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"Hell on Earth 2006/Script" | "Go God Go/Script" | "Go God Go XII/Script" | 
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Cast
- Stan Marsh
- Kyle Broflovski
- Eric Cartman
- Kenny McCormick
- Butters Stotch
- Dougie O'Connell
- Liane Cartman
- Linda Stotch
- Mrs. Garrison
- Principal Victoria
- Mr. Mackey
- Richard Dawkins
- EV Games clerk
- Mr. and Mrs. Triscotti
- Linda Triscotti
- Unified Atheist League (UAL)
- Shvek, a medic, an analyst
- United Atheist Alliance (UAA)
- Allied Atheist Alliance (AAA)
Script
| Go God Go | |
| South Park Mall, dawn. One red car is seen on the parking lot. | |
| EV Games. Advertisements for the upcoming Nintendo Wii are plastered all over the windows. Cartman paces the floor in front of the store | |
| [under his breath] Come ohhhn! Come ohhhn! Oh, for the love of God, how much longer?! [his mom arrives] | |
| There you are, Eric. What are you doing here? | |
| I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. | |
| When does it come out? | |
| Three weeks. Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! | |
| [takes him by the hand] It's time for school. | |
| [yanks his hand away and runs back to the store] No Mom, you don't understand! I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months. And now, every day time is slowing down. It's like... waiting for Christmas... times a thousand. | |
| Eric, you're just going to have to be patient. [pulls him away again] | |
| Noo!! Nooo!! | |
| South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison's voice is heard | |
| Principal Victoria, it is wrong! [she's at the principal's office, her back to the principal's desk.] It is wrong and I simply will not do it! [walks back to the desk] I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies! [pounds the desk for emphasis] I am NOT teaching evolution in my class!! [Mr. Mackey is also present] | |
| Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it. | |
| Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey!! I'm a woman! | |
| M, m'kay. Ya-you realize evolution has been pretty much uhhh... proven. | |
| I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff! | |
| Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything. | |
| Mrs. Garrison's classroom, later. The kids are chatting and moving about the classroom. Cartman is blabbering incoherently | |
| How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?! | |
| It's still three weeks. | |
| Oh God... [shivers like someone in withdrawal] Okay, how long now? | |
| Will you shut up already?! [Mrs. Garrison enters and isn't too happy about her lesson] | |
| All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution. | |
| Oh boy! | |
| Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP. [nobody says anything] But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this: [goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer.] In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its [waves his left hand limply] mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. [points to a rodent] retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a... monkey fish-frog... And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and... that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and... that made you! [faces the class. A new girl is seated in the front row, looking around] So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations! | |
| [hopping out of his chair and running out] HEHHH! I can't take it anymore! HAAAAAH! | |
| Yeah? You see? I knew that would happen. | |
| EV Games, next time. Cartman again paces the floor in front of the store. | |
| Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! [a store clerk notices and walks over] | |
| Look, kid, for the fortieth time, pacing in front of the store isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster. [he goes back inside, and Liane walks up] | |
| Eric, you're coming home right now! | |
| Can't I just stay and... look at the sign a little longer? | |
| It's almost bedtime. If you sleep then time'll go by faster. | |
| Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15. | |
| Oh God! | |
| He throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. He peeks at the clock, then squeezes his eyes shut again, turns over... Moments later he's on his pillow, his left leg dangling over the foot of the bed. Next, he's on his belly, looking over the foot of the bed. Next, he's tossing and turning, and sees the time now: 2:16. He gets up and walks to the wall calendar, where he has Nov. 19 marked - a Sunday, the day the Wii comes out. Halloween is marked off, so it's now less than three weeks. He logs onto the Internet and fires up his browser - he gets an ad for the Wii, coming in three weeks. He's now downstairs watching early-morning TV. He paces in front of the TV, then heads for the fridge. Finding nothing to eat, he goes back upstairs and looks at the clock in his room: 2:18. He throws down the clock and throws a fit | |
| Agh! That does it!! I am not waiting three weeks!! | |
| The bus stop, later in the morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus. | |
| You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me. | |
| Dude you don't look so good, Cartman. | |
| I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me. | |
| Well there's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient. | |
| [assertively] No. There is something I can do. | |
| (What?) | |
| All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right? [turns around] I think I figured out how to do it. | |
| Do what? | |
| Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me. | |
| No. | |
| It's simple science, Kyle. | |
| You'll die, retard! | |
| I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!! Don't you see this is my only chance!! | |
| Dude, no way. | |
| Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you. | |
| I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself! [walks away in a huff] | |
| South Park Elementary, day. The new girl, her parents, and Mrs. Garrison are in the principal's office. | |
| Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?! | |
| I told you this would happen, didn't I?! | |
| Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that- | |
| We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did! | |
| I hear ya. | |
| Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class. | |
| You most certainly will! | |
| But Dad, I want to learn everything. | |
| No you don't! Shut up! [takes his daughter and leaves the room] | |
| Well, I told you. We should leave evolution out of the classrooms. | |
| It has become obvious to me that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it! I'm having you replaced! Mr. Dawkins! [Mr. Dawkins enters the office] | |
| Re-replaced?? | |
| Richard Dawkins is a world-renowned evolutionary scientist. | |
| [courteously] Charmed to meet you. Ms... | |
| Shut up, faggot! Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class! | |
| You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins with whatever he needs! | |
| Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Richard Dawkins is the guest teacher now. He takes some chalk and . | |
| Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us. [although all the kids have pencil and paper out ready to take notes, only Kyle is actually writing anything as Dawkins lectures. Mr. Dawkins himself delivers his lecture in a scholarly voice.] | |
| Whatever. | |
| [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air. | |
| [relating Dawkin's points to his own] Retarded fish-frogs. | |
| [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification. | |
| Well, you're a faggot! [the look of shock returns to Dawkins.] Continue. | |
| You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright. | |
| So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys. | |
| [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well yes, basically, we are. | |
| Do you see monkeys at the zoo?! They crap in their hands and throw it at people! | |
| Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact! | |
| What about the fact that by believing this crap, you're gonna go to hell?! Doesn't that bother you a little? | |
| Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist. | |
| [rises and walks up to him] AHA! I've got you, you snake in the grass!! I found you out!! | |
| I never covered it up. | |
| And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?! [begins to dance around like a monkey, hooting and hollering. He lowers his pants and poops into his left hand.] | |
| What on earth are you doing?? [now Butters is the one taking notes] | |
| Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!! [throws the log of feces at Dawkins and gets him on his forehead and on the left side of his sweater] | |
| AAAH! | |
| The principal's office, once again. | |
| Principal Victoria, I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins about the incongruity of some scientific statements. | |
| Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom. | |
| What?? | |
| Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary. This woman is very opinionated but, she does care about her students. | |
| Very well. But there is to be no more throwing of feces. Understood?? | |
| Waiting area outside the office. Garrison and Dawkins walk in | |
| Ms. Garrison. Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please? | |
| What?! | |
| Look, I know you think we're at war, but I want you to know I admire your passion. | |
| [softens immediately] You d-you do? | |
| I've never met a woman with so much... fire | |
| Well I... [begins preening] I do bring down a woman's wrath now and again. [slight giggle] | |
| So much boldness in a woman. So beautiful. [snaps out of it] I'm sorry, I'm sure you have a husband, but I- | |
| No! N-no! My, my husband is g-gone, dead. | |
| Would you then... consider having dinner with me tonight? | |
| Well, [preens again] well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something. [Dawkins smiles, Garrison smiles back] | |
| The hallway. Kids are milling around. Around the corner comes Mrs. Garrison, jumping joyfully | |
| I've got a date! I've got a date! My first real date with a real man since my sex-change operation! [skips away, towards the front doors] Oh boy, what'll I wear?! [opens the doors and skips out] Hey everybody! | |
| Cartman's house, day, kitchen. Humming, Liane enters the kitchen with groceries and snacks, including doughnuts. She sets them down on the counter, takes an ice cream and heads for the freezer. She opens the freezer door | |
| [in the freezer] Ey! | |
| [jumps back in surprise, dropping the ice cream] Whoa! | |
| Close the door, I'm trying to freeze! | |
| Eric, get out of there. [tries to pull him out, but he kicks her hand away] | |
| [resisting all of Liane's efforts] No! No, it's too soon! | |
| [pulls him out of the freezer] Now Eric, this has gone far enough! [sets him down and goes down on a bended knee] You need to learn to be patient! | |
| A door opens and Butters appears. Before him is Cartman, dressed in heavy jacket. Cartman has some equipment on his back and an ice pick in his right hand. | |
| Butters, get your coat. We gotta go. | |
| Go where? | |
| You're gonna help me freeze myself. | |
| [looks at Cartman a while, then] Okay. [walks away to get his coat, smiling] | |
| The Rockies, far from town. Two small figures walk forward in the snow. The camera gets progressively closer, and the figures turn out to be Cartman and Butters | |
| Well, how come we've gotta come all the way out here? | |
| [stops and begins digging ] Butters, if anyone else comes upon my frozen body, they'll try to unfreeze me right away. [finishes digging a hole, tosses the ice pick away, and prepares to step down into it] I have to be hidden. [removes his jacket and gives it to Butters] That's good. [begins to gather the snow around him and then faces Butters, who's shocked at this turn of events] And no matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me until the day the Nintendo Wii comes out. Do you got it?! | |
| Eric, are you sure this is a good idea? | |
| No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea | |
| [not so sure, casts his eyes down] Yeah...I guess it is... | |
| All right, you got the spot figured out? You're not gonna lose where I am, right? | |
| I got it. [looks around] Big Tree. Oval Rock. | |
| All right, now get out of here. You can't freeze too, or else we're both screwed. [Butters looks at Cartman once more, then leaves. Butters turns to look at Cartman again] Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything! | |
| Oh jeez! [turns around and walks away quickly] | |
| [all alone now] Yes. Come on. Freeeze. Freeeze. | |
| Buca di Faggoncini, evening. Mr. Dawkins and Mrs. Garrison are having dinner there. | |
| So I told my gynecologist, "you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you!" [they both laugh at the story.] | |
| Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman I have ever met! It's almost like you're one of the guys. | |
| Hehyeah, almost. | |
| You have so much spunk, so much life... If only you were an atheist. | |
| Well... Well, you know, I'm... I'm open to stuff. | |
| Why is someone as outspoken as you given themselves over to the whole God thing? | |
| Oh I'm not... I'm not totally into the whole God thing. I just... I just think, you know, you can't disprove God. | |
| Well what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster: Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven? | |
| [Thinks a moment] You're riiight. It's so simple! God is a spaghetti monster. Oh thank you, jeez! My eyes are opened! [stands up] Hey everyone, I'm an atheist! | |
| Really?? Oh that's wonderful! | |
| No, I totally get it now! Evolution explains everything! There is no great mystery to life, just evolution and God's a spaghetti monster! Thank you, Richard! | |
| You're so welcome! | |
| Would you like tuh... [preens again] head over to my place for dessert? | |
| Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. | |
| Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants! | |
| Oh Ms. Garrison! | |
| Yeah, pound my monkey hole, Richard! Yeah, I'm a monkey all right! | |
| In the Rockies, Cartman slowly freezes. The camera closes in | |
| Nin-ten-do. I'm coming. I'm coming, Nin-ten-do. | |
| his hearbeat stops as he expels one last puff of air. The camera pulls back as wolves howl in the night. Night turns to day. Cartman's face has turned blue. An avalanche knocks down the tree and covers up the oval rock Butters is supposed to check for when he returns. It also buries Cartman, who is in pajamas. A time-travel sequence begins, which takes him forward in time to the year 2546. There, the block of ice that contains him is picked up and thawed. Three curved surfaces come together to form an egg around Cartman, and the egg is moved to a bed. The three pieces fall apart and disappear. Three items appear - an electronic eye, a small pump, and a vibrator. | |
| We have a pulse. [Cartman comes to, coughs, and sits up. The aliens gather around] | |
| Can you... understand me? | |
| Where am I? | |
| My name is Shvek. You are safe. | |
| Safe where, butthole?! | |
| My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock, but... it is the year 2546. | |
| [looks around] What?? | |
| You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years. [Cartman jumps off the bed and runs to the nearest window, where he sees a city unlike any he's seen before.] | |
| Butters? Butters, you black asshole?! [suddenly looks tired.] | |
| Please be careful. You are frail. | |
| Is the Wii out? Where's the Wii? | |
| [brings up a holoscreen and presses a few buttons on it. A picture of the Wii appears] Ahh, Nintendo Wii. A primitive gaming device used in his time. | |
| Primitive? It has motion-control controllers, asswipe! | |
| Young man, you don't seem to understand. [goes down on one knee] Your family, your friends, everyone you knew, has been dead for over 500 years. | |
| I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii! | |
| We don't play videogames in our time. There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii. | |
| No... [looks up at the ceiling and] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! | |
| South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Dawkins is back teaching about evolution. Mrs. Garrison looks quite enamored | |
| You must understand, children, that we are dealing with VERY large numbers here. | |
| [thinking] That's my man. | |
| So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen. | |
| That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God. | |
| Careful darling. The school board doesn't like it when we- | |
| Well there could still be a god. | |
| What?! | |
| Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why? | |
| [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class! [leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?! | |
| I wasn't talking about spaghetti. [Mrs. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class.] | |
| Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down next to the blackboard, goes for a dunce cap, and places it on Stan's head. The cap reads "I HAVE FAITH"] | |
| Mrs. Garrison's house, night. She and Mr. Dawkins are in bed. She runs her fingers through Mr. Dawkin's chest hair. | |
| Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right. | |
| What?? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion. | |
| Yes, but to be so bold about it... [looks away] I've just never seen a woman with such... balls. | |
| [gets up and sits on Mr. Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world. | |
| Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God. | |
| You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you. | |
| Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again. | |
| Oh, all right. [lowers the blanket and the breasts appear. The implants... are not balanced. The left nipple is huge and lower compared to the right one, and the stitches are still visible.] | |
| Oh yeah, baby! Oh-hm. [begins to shake his head between the breasts, which has the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up.] | |
| OHOH YEAH!! AHHH!! [Mr. Dawkins revs up again] | |
| Butters' house, day. He and Dougie play in the backyard as Professor Chaos and General Disarray. Toy action figures and various toy vehicles litter the yard | |
| Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes! | |
| [fires at the action figures] Pehpew Pehpew! [walks over and kicks them down] | |
| Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos! Hahaha! | |
| Butters? [she appears at the sliding door entrance with two policemen behind her] Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman in the past few days, have you? | |
| [a bit afraid, slowly] Who, me? | |
| It's very important, Butters. He's missing. You haven't seen or heard from him? | |
| [looks right, then left, trying to figure out what to say...] No ma'am. | |
| Okay. [closes the sliding door and walks away with the officers] | |
| Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this anthill! [Butters turns and joins him] | |
| Geh-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question? | |
| Okay. | |
| Well, um, can... Can anything bad happen if you completely freeze yourself and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later? | |
| [long pause] ...Yeah. | |
| Well, like what? | |
| ...Like, you die. | |
| ...Die?? | |
| Well yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die. When you wake up three weeks later you can be unfrozen, but you're still dead. | |
| Oh hamburgers!! [runs away] | |
| the Rockies. Butters and Dougie reach the spot where Cartman is frozen. Butters calls out to Cartman | |
| Eric! Eric! | |
| You just left him here?! Without a jacket or anything?! | |
| He told me to! | |
| He's dead for sure. | |
| Wait! [looks around.] It's all different. Nothing's in the same place! | |
| Oh my God... | |
| [begins to dig frantically through the snow] Uh, eh, Eric! Eric! | |
| [trying to stop him] Butters ButterButterBUTTERS! [Butters stops and looks at him] We have to get out of here! | |
| What?? | |
| Nobody is ever going to find his body. You've got to never say anything about this, do you understand?! He's dead, and if they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail! [runs off] | |
| But I just did what he told me! | |
| Come on, we have to leave!! | |
| Oh, jumping Jesus! [follows Dougie. They head back to town] | |
| Back to the future. Cartman sits at a desk | |
| This is terrible. Five hundred years in the future. [puts his head in his hands and starts to weep. A door slides open and three of the aliens enter the room] | |
| Eric, I have good news for you. We may have found you a Nintendo Wii. | |
| What?? [hops onto the desk] Really?? [jumps down and exults] YES!! YES!! | |
| It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology at New New Hampshire. | |
| So I'm not too late! Come on, let's go! | |
| Well, there's just... th-there's something we need from you first. | |
| A meeting room. The three future humans talk to Cartman there | |
| You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason. | |
| Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs and we don't unfreeze them. But you... are special. | |
| I know I'm special. This isn't news to me. | |
| You lived in a time when a great event happened. A glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete. Now, the entire world is atheist. | |
| [strokes his chin and thinks] And this gives me a Nintendo Wii how? | |
| We believe that somebody you knew in your time was the person who first started our wonderful group: The Unified Atheist League. | |
| Who? [the medic is about to reply when something shakes the building they're in] | |
| What in Science's name was that?! [outside, an enemy ship first at the building and leaves a hole in it. The ship docks at that hole and the invaders pour into a cargo room. The UAL members and Cartman enter the cargo room at the other end.] | |
| Oh no! It's the United Atheist Alliance! | |
| Oh Science, help us! [a laser battle between the two groups begins] | |
| [yellow hair, green suit] Science damn you, Unified Atheist League! | |
| Who are they?? | |
| The Alliance Atheists. We're at war with them. [the battle rages on, with laser shots going back and forth. The laser shots turn out to be syringes which inject the victim with poison. Once the load is fully inside the body, the head explodes. Men on both sides explode and die.] | |
| [a syringe gets him] No! [his head explodes] | |
| Jesus Christ! | |
| Hahahaha, you believe in a supernatural being. [gets a syringe to the neck] Oh my Science. [his head explodes and the battle is over. The UAA closes in on Cartman, its guns drawn] | |
| I'm just a little boy from the past who wants to play Nintendo Wii. | |
| The UAA ship's bridge. Cartman enters with UAA members escorting him. | |
| Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance! | |
| [black hair] Onscreen. | |
| Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance! We have the time child! | |
| Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance! | |
| Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the atheists in control! | |
| It won't make a difference! This is the dawning of the sea otter! Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy! | |
| What?? | |
| Otters! The time has come! Sound the nafferty! | |
| The nafferty! [a giant otter walks over to a very fanciful horn and blows into it.] | |
| [rises on a platform and turns around. A lens drops down from a contraption he has to his left ear and lands on his nose] So, it begins! | |
| End of Go God Go | |
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|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Story Elements |
Nintendo Wii • Richard Dawkins • Allied Atheist Alliance (AAA) • United Atheist Alliance (UAA) • Unified Atheist League (UAL) | ||||
| Media |
Images • Script • Extras • Watch Episode | ||||
| Release | |||||