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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Token Black
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Scott Malkinson
  • Coach
  • Mr. Adler
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Woman
  • Pricipal Victoria
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Agent
  • Aunt Jemima
  • Blond
  • WSPIC DJ
  • Farmer
  • FDA Agent 1
  • Jamie (voice only)
  • Jeff White
  • John Garner
  • Mark (voice only)
  • Michael Taylor, FDA
  • Researcher
  • Tom Vilsack
  • Programmers (1,2,3,4,5)
  • Soldiers (1,2)
  • Workers (1,2)

Script

Gluten Free Ebola
South Park Elementary, day. The boys are indeed back at school, their crowdfunding venture having fizzled on the fires of an offensive trademark. Students head to their classrooms. The main four come in looking bright and ready to go
Kyle
Hey guys!
Stan
Morning!
Cartman
How's it going, everybody?
Kyle
Sup, Jason? [Jason turns and walks away angrily]
Cartman
Hey dude. Sup? [they encounter Token, Craig, and Jimmy.]
Craig
What are you guys doing here?
Cartman
What do you mean? We're just... going to school.
Jimmy
I thought you guys said you didn't need school.
Token
Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags.
Kyle
Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out.
Craig
But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman
Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was-
Craig
[keeps pressing] You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves.
Kyle
We were- trying to be funny.
Jimmy
Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle. [Token, Craig and Jimmy split up, then everyone else goes their separate ways. Moments later, Wendy is shown at her locker]
Stan
[walks up] Hey Wendy.
Wendy
You're... back?
Stan
Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out.
Wendy
[sarcastic] Oh wow, I'm shocked.
Stan
So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie.
Wendy
You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be "free to chase your dreams".
Stan
Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing.
Wendy
Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be [does air quotes] "dripping in bitches"?!
Stan
Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? [Wendy closes her locker and faces him]
Wendy
I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! [turns around and walks away]
The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman looks around
Cartman
Dude, people are pissed off at us.
Kenny
(Yeah, it's fucking crazy!)
Kyle
Doesn't anyone understand the significance of "I'm sorry" anymore?
Cartman
Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance?
Kyle
Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school.
Faculty room
Pricipal Victoria
All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start?
Woman
Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again.
Mr. Adler
Awww, do we need Mackey here?
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing.
Principal Victoria
Well, you have to admit he does look a little better.
Mr. Adler
He doesn't look any different to me.
Principal Victoria
In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller?
Mr. Garrison
It's just the new diet fad! [a door opens]
Mr. Mackey
Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay?
Principal Victoria
Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now.
Mr. Mackey
I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing
Mr. Garrison
[exasperated, face in his hands] Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?
Principal Victoria
Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off.
Mr. Mackey
That's probably gluten, m'kay?
Coach
Oh, God!
Mr. Mackey
Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems,
Mr. Garrison
I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.
Mr. Mackey
See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off.
Principal Victoria
[surprized and interested] Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go.
The school gym, day. Gutted by the fire, but not condemned. The fourth graders are inside during their PE period. The girls jump rope, the boys try to make baskets through a badly damaged hoop. Other boys toss basketballs at each other, while Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit on the burnt bleachers.
Kyle
I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us.
Kenny
(Right. What the fuck is going on?)
Cartman
You know what we gotta do, guys? [gets off the bleachers] We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party
Kenny
(A party?!)
Cartman
Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool!
Kyle
Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever.
Cartman
Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them.
Kyle
[joins him on the floor] Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us.
Cartman
Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for...
Stan
[joins them on the floor] For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on!
Cartman
What?
Kyle
No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go.
Cartman
We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band!
Kyle
A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?
Stan
Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something.
Cartman
Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live.
Kenny
(This will be awesome!)
Cartman
So who do we throw the party for?
Stan
What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down. [Pink's "Get This Party Started" begins to play, which serves as transitional music to the next scene]
WSPIC 88.3, on air. The Camera pans down to the DJ
DJ
All right, that was "Get This Party Started" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys?
Kyle
Yeah, it's going to be this weekend.
Cartman
You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time.
DJ
Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?
Cartman
You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.
Stan
Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him.
DJ
Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel?
Scott
I actually have plans this weekend.
Cartman
"I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes."
DJ
All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question?
Craig
Are you guys making this up?
Kyle
Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live!
Craig
All the pizza we can eat?
Cartman
Believe it, dude.
Craig
All right, this better be good.
DJ
All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy!
Stan
Sweet!
DJ
Next caller, what's your question?
Principal Victoria
Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?
Stan
Excuse me?
Principal Victoria
Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us.
DJ
Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment?
Mark
Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like "Get your second-hand gluten away from me!"
DJ
All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys?
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face.
Cartman
What the hell is gluten?
Park County community center, night. Most everyone in town is at the meeting tonight.
John Garner
Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.
Randy
[To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?
John Garner
People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?
Mr. Garrison
Yes, thank you!
John Garner
Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.
Mr. Mackey
Then eat it!
John Garner
Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey
If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?
John Garner
[looks at the gluten, then at the audience, then moves the gluten to his lips] Yeah. Alright. [sips it down] Dup, dup. [his body contorts as he groans. Everyone in the audience begins to panic. He shows signs of burning up, and his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out of there and soon launches itself.]
Mr. Mackey
Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off. [people begin to leave the community center. The penis escapes and comes back to knock a man down]
Papa John's Pizza is shown. The townsfolk run right past it.
Stephen
[stops] Oh my God! These people don't even know! [faces the pizza joint] Hurry! You gotta go!
Mr. Garrison
[stops as well] Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there! [inside, two workers just stand around behind the counter] Get out of there!
Stephen
Get out! You're not safe!
Mr. Garrison
You gotta get out!
Stephen
Hurry! You gotta go!
The Marsh kitchen. Randy opens the cupboard and pulls everything out of it. Sharon does the same at another cupboard. They're both in a panic. Shelly and Stan appear at the kitchen entrance
Randy
What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars?
Sharon
Yes!
Randy
Hamburger Helper?
Sharon
That's all gluten!
Randy
There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon!
Sharon
Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having.
Randy
Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS!
Sharon
It's in the Triscuits too, Randy!
Stan
Wait, wait, ah I might need those.
Randy
This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!
Sharon
Don't forget the freezer!
Randy
Oh God! [now clearing the freezer] Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?!
Sharon
I don't know! Look at the ingredients!
Randy
Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you!
Sharon
All right, that's all of it!
Randy
You sure? All r- all right, you got those?!
Sharon
I can get both of these, yeah!
Randy
All right, come on! [a loaf of whole wheat sandwich bread falls out. Moments later, Randy comes back for it, then leaves again]
Kyle's room, night. Kyle is working on the party's budget when his phone rings. It's Cartman
Kyle
Hey Cartman.
Cartman
KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE!
Kyle
Dude, calm down.
Cartman
THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY!
Kyle
Who took all the pizza and the cake? [begins to notice flickering lights outside his window and hears an approaching crowd. All the gluten-tainted food that people have been bagging is being thrown into a bonfire] What the hell?
Cartman
KYYYLE!
A wheat field outside of town. Rolling hills of wheat are shown when the start turning brown. A flamethrower begins burning the field. A man wielding the flamethrower appears walking methodically through the field
Mr. Garrison
Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard!
Farmer
What are you doing to my farm?!?
Randy
You son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah! [knocks him down with a right punch to the right cheek]
U.S.D.A. Strategic Command Center, FDA approved, day.
Tom Vilsack
There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?!
Researcher
We're working as fast as we can, sir.
Tom Vilsack
[sighs loudly] Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?
Researcher
[they stop by a rat cage] We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect. [the rat is having an arousal it can't control. It flips over on its back and its penis wriggles out, and shoots off. The rat dies.]
Tom Vilsack
We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?
Researcher
No. We believe now that that's poppycock.
Tom Vilsack
[to everyone on the floor] All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis! [turns left and leaves. Another rat in the background loses its penis and dies.]
Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed with a slight cough. He blows his nose, and his door opens. the boys enter
Kyle
Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up.
Cartman
What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck.
Stan
We can't let our party suck.
Cartman
What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde.
Kyle
That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan?
Stan
[looks down, then] I'll be back. [turns and leaves]
Cartman
You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.
Kyle
Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up.
Cartman
[turns to his right side] There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse.
The Marsh house. The bell rings and Randy answers it.
Randy
Yes?
Worker 1
Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in?
Randy
Gluten expohn... oh not here!
Worker 2
Can we come in please?
Randy
Wuh sure! [shows them in. They enter and their gluten meters crackle as they go around the house]
Sharon
[coming down the stairs] What's going on? [one of the workers stops at the kitchen wastebasket and pulls out a pair of tongs. He rifles through the trash can with it and pulls out a Pabst Blue Ribbon can]
Randy
Well that's just a beer.
Worker 1
Oh Jesus.
Shelly
BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!!
Randy
[to Shelly] Shuut up, [to the worker] beer is bad for you?!
Worker 2
We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me.
Randy
Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick?
Worker 1
We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on.
Randy
No! Not Papa John's. [shakes his head] I don't wanna go to Papa John's! [shakes his head more violently] YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!!
Papa John's, day. It is now Gluten Quarantine Center 1, and Randy's the newest quarantine. Outside are one of the workers and a soldier
Randy
How long do I have to stay here?!
Soldier
Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir.
Randy
What am I supposed to eat?
Soldier
It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings. [the soldier and the worker walk away]
A Quarantine
How'd you get exposed? [it's a blond man on the floor] Bagels? Gravy?
Randy
Beer. I didn't know it had gluten.
Mr. Garrison
There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce. [his voice grows soft] Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce.
USDA headquarters, day
Jeff
We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain.
Tom Vilsack
And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?
Researcher
[approaches with an open laptop] We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years. [Shown is a food tray with dish and cup on it. The dish has larger portions for veggies and grains, smaller portions for fruits and proteins, and the cup is dairy, off to the side with the smallest portion] Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison [a skull and crossbones appears over the grains]. Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers.
Agent
Sir, the feds are here.
Tom Vilsack
Oh shit!
FDA Agent 1
Tom Vilsack?
Tom Vilsack
Yes?
Michael Taylor
Michael Taylor, FDA.
Tom Vilsack
Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem.
Michael Taylor
Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too!
Papa John's, day. Stan approaches the blocked entrance
Stan
Dad? Dad!
Randy
[appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan
Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something?
Randy
I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Stan
Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
Randy
How's your mom? Your, your sister?
Soldier 2
[appears next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go.
Stan
Nonono, not yet. DAD!
Randy
That's my son, you bastard!
Soldier 2
I'm sorry, all right?
Stan
Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
Randy
Staaan!
Stan
Let me talk to my dad! [the soldier finally hauls him away]
Randy
Staaaaaaan!
Cartman's room, night. He's asleep. A nightmare comes on, and visions of fellow students pass through his dream
Craig
You call this a party?! Your party sucks!
Token
Come on guys, let's go!
Jimmy
No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped! [the voices mount and soon he's lifted out of bed as one last kid says "What a loser" which echoes and fades away. He finds himself in bayou territory]
Aunt Jemima
Hello, Eric. [he sees her, on a porch, with a plate of pancakes] Come on over here, sugar.
Cartman
Aunt Jemima. [stands up and walks over]
Aunt Jemima
There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way.
Cartman
I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima.
Aunt Jemima
You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign.
Cartman
I don't even know what that means.
Aunt Jemima
When you're stuck, look to the pyramids.
Cartman
Are you going to eat those pancakes?
Aunt Jemima
They've got it wrong, child! [suddenly the scenery changes to the pyramids at Giza. Her voice takes on a cosmic tone, and Cartman spins in place] The world is upside down.
Cartman
Oooo, trippy...
Aunt Jemima
Tell then they've got's it backwards!
Cartman
They've got what backward? [everything vanishes into a gray field, then a golden triangle appears, then shatters. A kaleidoscope of kids appears, taunting him. Aunt Jemima's face shatters, revealing the golden triangle.]
Cartman
[he falls through his dream, surrounded by everything that has gluten in it] Noooo... [and suddenly wakes up] Oh Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck I want pancakes.
Papa John's, day. establishing shot. Inside Randy sits on a cot
Randy
You can't just keep us in here!
Mr. Garrison
[clanging] We're out. [holds up an empty tray] We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat.
Blond
[looks outside, then] They're just gonna let us starve to death?
Randy
They don't care about us. face it! We're already dead to them. [buries his face in his hands]
Blond
Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [stands up and walks towards the storage room]
Mr. Garrison
There's nothing left, I told you.
Blond
There's plenty of pizza dough.
Randy
Are you crazy?
Blond
I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck it's so good. [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more! ...it's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]
Randy
Oh my God, you... [the blond stops] but... you're okay.
Blond
You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!
Mr. Garrison
A setup? But by who?
Randy
Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who and get the word out.
Blond
Maybe Papa John can help us. If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can- [his penis quickly flies off and he dies]
Randy
Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers. He and Garrison go find seats]
WSPIC 88.3, on air. Stan is reading an announcement
Stan
There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have.
DJ
Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller.
Craig
I knew you guys were going to bail on the party.
Kyle
We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now!
Craig
Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you?
DJ
All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead.
Jamie
It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like.... telling everyone to go fuck themselves!
DJ
Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air.
Wendy
Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot?
Stan
I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but-
Wendy
So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.
Scott
That is correct, yes, I do.
Wendy
You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it?
Kyle
Jesus Christ, dude.
Stan
Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now...
Wendy
Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people!
Stan
We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid!
Wendy
Thought so. [hangs up. Stan lets his head fall on the table]
DJ
Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?
Cartman
KYYYLE!
Kyle
Cartman?
Cartman
KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMIDS!
USDA headquarters, day. Everyone is in a rush.
Tom Vilsack
It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die!
Jeff White
Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something.
Tom Vilsack
Who is this?
Cartman
My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid.
Tom Vilsack
The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure? [to the floor] Bring up the pyramid! [a programmer gets on it. An image comes up on screen, showing four food groups in four layers inside a pyramid. Grains take the bottom, widest layer, followed by fruits and vegetables, meat and dairy, and fats and oils narrowing to a point at the top]
Cartman
What, what is it? What is it for?
Tom Vilsack
We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups.
Programmer
Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved.
Tom Vilsack
The pyramid down't work. We already tried it.
Cartman
It's upside down.
Tom Vilsack
What?
Cartman
Sir, the pyramid is upside down.
Tom Vilsack
Turn the pyramid upside down.
Programmer 2
You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the-
Tom Vilsack
Flip the damned food pyramid!
Michael Taylor
This is NOT FDA-approved!
Tom Vilsack
It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT! [the programmers get on it]
Programmer 3
Sir, we've got a match.
Programmer 4
Nutrition is stabilizing!
Programmer 5
We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir! [everyone cheers]
Tom Vilsack
Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter.
The awesome party, day. The boys came through, everyone in town is there. Mr. Garrison serves steaks with large bars of butter to Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. "We love you Scott." Photo booth, soda station
Craig
[with butter on a stick] Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party.
Kyle
Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man.
Scott
[approaches with a plate of butter on a stick] Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?
Kyle
We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us. [Scott walks away]
Tom Vilsack
We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again.
Cartman
Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like.
Tom Vilsack
We're gonna get a better view of the stage.
Cartman
Yeah yeah, enjoy the party. [takes a couple of steps and notices the ghost of Aunt Jemima over a fence. He waves at her. She waves back.]
Jeff White
Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde!
Clyde
I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.
Jimmy
Yeah, she isn't as hot in person.
Randy
[dressed up as Lorde]

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Stan
Hey Wendy, you havin' fun?
Wendy
Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off.
Stan
Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me.
Wendy
You're so transparent, Stan.
Stan
What does that mean?
Wendy
You wanna dance? [he looks back at her, smiles, and goes to dance with her.]
Randy

We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah.

End of Gluten Free Ebola
  1802: "Gluten Free Ebola" edit
Story Elements

Gluten • "Get the Party Started" • USDA • FDA • Aunt JemimaWSPIC 88.3 FMPapa John'sTom VilsackJohn Garner • Jeff White • Lorde

Media

ImagesScriptsVideo

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighteenth Season