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Fun with Veal/Script

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  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Butters Stotch
  • Stan Marsh
  • Eric Cartman
  • Diane Choksondik
  • Sharon, Shelly, and Randy Marsh
  • Sheila and Gerald Broflovski
  • Linda and Stephen Stotch
  • Liane Cartman
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Rancher Bob Denkins
  • News 4 Field Reporter
  • Tom, Craig's Father
  • Hippies
  • FBI Agent
  • FBI Negotiator Glen Dumont
  • Michael Dorn
  • Dr. Doctor


[A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondik steps off]
Ms. Choksondik: Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher.
Rancher: Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob.
Ms. Choksondik: Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
Kids: Hi, Rancher Bob.
Rancher Bob: I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me.
Kyle: [to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms.
Rancher Bob: Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death. [a shot of the cows looking back at the class.]
Cartman: They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him]
Rancher Bob: [leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head off.]
Kids: Eewwww!!
Kyle: Aw, dude. [Two workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind. Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up]
Rancher Bob: Hey, anybody want a free sample?
Cartman: [raises his arm up with glee] Memememee!
Rancher Bob: [now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here, boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the room beyond.] veal ranch. [the class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music from spritely to somber. A shot of the class, with some kids showing some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal.
Stan: Wait a minute. Veal is... little baby cows??
Rancher Bob: Yeppir.
Kyle: Then why the hell do they call it "veal"??
Rancher Bob: Well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might not eat it.
Stan: Yeah, I wouldn't have.
Butters: Huh, me neither.
Cartman: Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves] It looks delicious
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too?
Rancher Bob: Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tomorrow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store.
Cartman: Alriiight!
Stan: Tomorrow morning? [a shot of the calves has Stan, Kyle, and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta help them.
Kyle: Yeah.
[Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Cartman is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.]
Stan: [knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst, Cartman.
Cartman: [responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan: [knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up!
Cartman: [wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are you guys doing??
Kyle: [opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go!
Cartman: Where are we going?
Stan: We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass!
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!
Cartman: So?
Stan: So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us!
Cartman: Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me "fatass," "butthole," and "douchebag." I really don't feel like you guys's friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes]
Stan: We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together.
Butters: Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the "Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset."
Stan: [heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
Cartman: [sits up] Oho! So you indeed me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Stan: [plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us?
Cartman: Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits]
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle: Screw you, Cartman!
Cartman: Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kyle: No!
Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.
Kyle: Have Butters kiss it.
Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts]
Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome!
Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!
Stan: Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
Cartman: Hell, I'm not goin' with you!
Kyle: Hyaaaa! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him]
Cartman: Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues]
[Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness]
Butters: Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: "Not for actual breaking and entereing. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime."
Stan: Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work, Cartman?
Cartman: [heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve and lights the gas stream. A blue flame shoots out and the other boys jump back.]
[The hold is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground]
Stan: [softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta.
Cartman: [peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.
Stan: [looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're gonna murder you.
Cartman: Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off.
Kyle: You need to freeze some of your ass off.
Cartman: O! At least I have as ass, Jew!
Kyle: What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the remaining calves]
Stan: Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch]
Butters: Huuh what's the matter?
Stan: They aren't leaving.
Cartman: See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks.
Kyle: Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how.
Stan: Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a shot of the calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back.
Butters: No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded.
Stan: Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house.
Kyle: Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?
Stan: I don't know.
Cartman: I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood.
Kyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't have that much blood in him!
Butters: Eh yeah I do too!
Stan: [moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan]
Cartman: Eh! [follows]
[The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it]
Cartman: Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the calf further across the ice]
[Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the calves]
Cartman: Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer.
Stan: We won't have to. Butters said he has something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over.
Kyle: Butters has that at his house?
Butters: [enters carrying a box] Hey fellas!
Stan: Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it?
Butters: I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time!
Kyle: All right!
Butters: [reads the box] "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
Stan: What?
Butters: "Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!"
Kyle: Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?
Butters: Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works.
[Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her]
Officer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Marsh.
Sharon: Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property.
Sharon: Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelly appear next to her]
Rancher Bob: I followed a calf-curling path right to your house, ma'am.
Shelly: Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom.
Sharon: Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees]
Stan: Aw crap!
Sharon: Stanley, what are you doing with those calves?
Stan: [points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and approaches] That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people!
Randy: Stanley, they belong to him.
Stan: They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
Shelly: Let me hit him, Mom!
Sharon: Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice! [Stan looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in with Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan: No!
Randy: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
Stan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the one who know we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off to his right]
Sharon: Open this door, now!
Stan: [pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss my ass!
Butters: Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
Kyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back with a look of determination]
[Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.]
Sharon: I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person.
Rancher Bob: Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe. And when they come out I can take them back.
Sharon: I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life.
Rancher Bob: Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Me?? How did I get into this mess?
[Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.]
Kyle: So what happens now?
Stan: I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing.
Kyle: We're with you, dude.
Butters: Yeah.
Stan: [serious] Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now.
Cartman: I want out.
Stan: [glares] Shut up, Cartman.
Kyle: We're with you, Stan.
Butters: Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to.
Stan: Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman.
Kyle, Butters: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah! Wait-what?
[Stna's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents have joined the other adults.]
Sharon: And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promosie them the calves will live free, in writing.
Sheila: Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me!
Sharon: We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple!
Sheila: HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs, stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your mother! You will open this door right now!
Kyle: [pause] ...No I won't.
Sharon: [gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila. [Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive.
Sheila: [turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry!
Kyle: Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!
Sharon: [folds her arms] Very persuasive.
Sheila: [starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
Chris: [calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters, this is your father.
Butters: [to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
Stan: Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this.
Chris: Butters? Answer me!
Butters: [to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me.
Kyle: Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them...
Chris: Butters! Right now!
Butters: Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
Chris: WHAT?!
Butters: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Chris: [turns to the other adults] What's gotten into them?
Sharon: Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over!
Stan: This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until know the calves will be safe.
Sharon: Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizza and ice cream.
Cartman: [weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys.
Kyle: Cartman, stay away from that door!
Sharon: You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away, but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.]
Sheila: [pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!!
Stan: [sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather in]
Cartman: We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?!
Stan: Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in.
Kyle: But we will have to sleep, dude.
Stan: Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
Butters: [finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!
Stan: We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes! [one calf take a dump on the carpet, another walks up and takes a piss on it]
[Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the men try to remove the door with tools. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs]
Randy: Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house.
Gerald: Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
Liane: Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food.
Sharon: Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all.
Liane: Oh, all right.
Sheila: Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can.
[Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk]
Butters: Good night, fellas!
Kyle: Good night.
Butters: [to the calves] Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Nepture. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.
Cartman: Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.
[Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach]
Cartman: Can't go on. Need... food...
Kyle: We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad.
Cartman: There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf.
Stan: No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
Cartman: All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters. [points]
Kyle: [looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude.
Butters: Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole]
Stan: Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket] Dude!
Cartman: Food!
[Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharan and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.]
Sharon: Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?
Liane: Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer
Sharon: Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
[Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out of the basket.. Stan walks away with two apples.]
Kyle: All right!
Stan: See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
Cartman: Look you guys! Beef jerky!
Kyle: Yeah! And fried chicken! [Cartman sits at a corner chewing on his apples.]
Stan: [sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed, where the other boys sit eating]
Kyle, Cartman: Mmmmm.
Stan: Dude, what are you guys doing?
Kyle: We're eating, dude.
Stan: You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?!
Kyle: Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.
Butters: Me neither.
Cartman: Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy.
Stan: [returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!
Cartman: Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the hungry man?
Kyle: [looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as well, but goes back to his apples]
[Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard]
Kyle: You guys, check this out! [a TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news report from News 4]
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where three insane boy terrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle.
Butters: Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are. [Cartman looks at him, then slugs him hard] Eugh
Field Reporter: Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say.
Craig's father, Tom: [with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown]
Randy: We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers!
Field Reporter: The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with terrorists.
Butters: Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas.
Stan: No, this is exactly what we wanted.
Kyle: It is?
Stan: Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people.
Field Reporter: Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to "Puppoies from Around the World."
[the news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown, then another, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music is heard]
Stan: [the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it.
Butters: Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far.
[Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.]
Stan: [notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around]
Butters: [waking] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. [voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the window]
Voices: We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved
Kyle: Huh, what the hell is that?
Hippies: If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved.
For a... brighter tomorrow...
Cartman: Hippies!
Stan: What are they doing here?
Hippie: [on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real and your voice is just. [the other hippes start cheering]
Hippies: Hooray! Hooray!
Kyle: Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
Butters: Ew, they're all dirty.
Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
[Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter]
Field Reporter: Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles]
Sharon: [not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps her hand to her forehead]
FBI Agent: Who's in charge here?
Officer Barbrady: I am. But I don't want to be.
FBI Agent: Where's the negotiator?
FBI Negotiator: Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad
FBI Agent: All right, see what you can do.
[Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs]
Kyle: Dude, are you okay?
Stan: Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to the others]
Butters: What is that?
Kyle: Dude, maybe we should end this.
Stan: No!
[Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation]
Glen Dumont: Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a squad member gets on it]
Officer Barbardy: The terrorists already said there's no way they're coming out.
Glen Dumont: [receives the phone] Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology.
[Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it]
Stan: Hello?
Glen Dumont: Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?
Stan: Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do?
Kyle: Don't give him anything!
Stan: What do I say??
Cartman: [walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that! [takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike.
Glen Dumont: I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right?
Cartman: Sure, sure.
Glen Dumont: How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other.
Cartman: What do you have in mind?
Glen Dumont: Well, how about you send out one of the calves?
Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike.
Glen Dumont: Just one, that's all we want.
Cartman: All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -
Stan: Cartman, no!
Kyle: Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them]
Cartman: [clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some guns and ammunition of our own.
Glen Dumont: What? I, I can't do that.
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen Dumont: No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Glen Dumont: [trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see what I can do.
[Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff]
Glen Dumont: Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a box of ammunition towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it] Almost there.
Randy: [arrives with Sharon] What is that?
Glen Dumont: We're giving the boys some guns in return for our calves
Randy: What?
Sharon: You're giving my baby guns?
Glen Dumont: [snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me!
Cartman: [answers the ringing phone] Hello.
Glen Dumont: Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain.
Cartman: All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf. [in the background, Kyle takes out the guns, tossing them to Butters]
Glen Dumont: Well, ha- how about you send out two calves?
Cartman: Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?! [Butters assembles a machine gun while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on his face]
Stan: O-ogh...
Cartman: We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving his gun around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges]
Glen Dumont: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.
Cartman: Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else! [Kyle tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy]
Glen Dumont: What do you have in mind?
[Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began]
Glen Dumont: A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting a missile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle wait by the window again]
Sheila: You're giving them a missile??
Glen Dumont: [losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust!
[Stan's room]
Kyle: [dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's getting worse, you guys.
Cartman: Mike, speak.
Glen Dumont: How are we doin'?
Cartman: We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us?
Glen Dumont: Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word "veal" to "tortured baby cow." [holds up an FDA document]
Cartman: Good, good.
Glen Dumont: But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota.
Cartman: Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
Glen Dumont: Now, now please can, can we get you to come out? [Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute]
[Outside Stan's house, night]
Glen Dumont: All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them.
Adults: Yes! All right! Woohoo!
Officer Barbrady: Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.
FBI Agent: They're coming out now?
Glen Dumont: Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico.
Sharon: What??
Glen Dumont: And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck. [beat] In full makeup.
Randy: Jesus Christ!
FBI Agent: All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!
Glen Dumont: All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples.
FBI Agent: Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, thay'll come out and then, we could take them.
Officer Barbrady: But isn't that dishonest?
FBI Agent: Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen?
[Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.]
FBI Agent: All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
Michael Dorn: [aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at three in the mornng, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town. [folds his arms] What the hell is gong on?!
FBI Agent: I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got terrorists making demands and we need your help.
Michael Dorn: This is highly unusual!
FBI Agent: [on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International.
Cartman: And Worf?
Michael Dorn: My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf.
Kyle: [rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked!
Stan: [looking very weak and with a few more sores on his body] It... did?
Kyle: They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!
Stan: Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up]
[Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.]
Cartman: Step back! Tell those men to step back!
FBI Agent: Do it!
FBI Agents: [lowering their weapons and stepping back] Mmrrrr.
Hippies: All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
Cartman: [heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must refer to me as "Captain."
Michael Dorn: Where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman: No. See, must say, "Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?"
Michael Dorn: Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman: You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves.
Michael Dorn: This whole thing is ridiculous!
Cartman: [correcting Dorn] "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"
Michael Dorn: [beat, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. [starts up the engine]
Cartman: [calls out] Okay, all set!
[An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story — from the camera of another News 4 helicopter]
Field Reporter: Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom.
[Ground view, inside the trailer]
Butters: Okay Cartman!
[Ground view, on the street]
Cartman: Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off]
Boys: All right!
[inside the trailer]
Butters: We're going! [Kyle grins]
Kyle: Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out of the way.]
[in the cab. Police cars follow the semi]
Cartman: Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!
Michael Dorn: We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads!
Cartman: [correcting gently] "Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?"
Michael Dorn: Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads.
Cartman: Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers.
[inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor]
Kyle: Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on.
[On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch]
FBI Agent: Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it! [another agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole thing comes to a stop]
Cartman: [looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!!
FBI Agent: [approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up!
[in the trailer]
Kyle: Oh no! No!!
[in the cab]
Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn: I'm NOT killing anybody!
Cartman: Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
[Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.]
Stan: We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
FBI Agent: [On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive.
Michael Dorn: Can I go now?
Officer Barbrady: Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you
Rancher Bob: Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him] Well, it doesn't matter now.
Officer Barbrady: What you do mean?
Rancher Bob: You see, in the six days since the word "veal" was officially changed to "little tortured baby cow" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'.
Butters: Really?
Rancher Bob: Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life.
Kyle: Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan?? [Butters appears next to them]
[Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.]
Dr. Doctor: He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
Randy: Vaginitis?
Dr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Dr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Cartman: Thank God we stopped it in time.
Stan: Well, I guess we learned somethng today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
Butters: Hear hear.
Sheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Chris: I'll say!
Butters: Aw, we're still grounded?
Kyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Gerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
Chris: That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
The Boys: All right!
[End of Fun With Veal.]

  605: "Fun with Veal" edit
Story Elements

Baby CowsVaginitisMichael DornGlen DumontFederal Bureau of InvestigationHippiesSusanne Sommers Calf Exerciser


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South Park: The Complete Sixth Season

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