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Fun with Veal
A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondik steps off.
Ms. Choksondik
Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher.
Rancher
Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob.
Ms. Choksondik
Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
Kids
Hi, Rancher Bob.
Rancher Bob
I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me.
Kyle
[to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms.
Rancher Bob
Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death. [a shot of the cows looking back at the class.]
Cartman
They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him]
Rancher Bob
[leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head off.]
Kids
Eewwww!!
Kyle
Aw, dude. [Two workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind. Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up]
Rancher Bob
Hey, anybody want a free sample?
Cartman
[raises his arm up with glee] Memememee!
Rancher Bob
[now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here, boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the room beyond.] veal ranch. [the class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music from spritely to somber. A shot of the class, with some kids showing some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal.
Stan
Wait a minute. Veal is... little baby cows??
Rancher Bob
Yeppir.
Kyle
Then why the hell do they call it "veal"??
Rancher Bob
Well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might not eat it.
Stan
Yeah, I wouldn't have.
Butters
Huh, me neither.
Cartman
Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves] It looks delicious.
Kyle
What??
Cartman
Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too?
Rancher Bob
Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tomorrow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store.
Cartman
Alriiight!
Stan
Tomorrow morning? [a shot of the calves has Stan, Kyle, and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta help them.
Kyle
Yeah.
Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Cartman is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.
Stan
[knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst, Cartman.
Cartman
[responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan
[knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up!
Cartman
[wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are you guys doing??
Kyle
[opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go!
Cartman
Where are we going?
Stan
We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass!
Cartman
What? Why?
Kyle
'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!
Cartman
So?
Stan
So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us!
Cartman
Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me "fatass," "butthole," and "douchebag." I really don't feel like you guys's friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes]
Stan
We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together.
Butters
Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the "Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset."
Stan
[heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
Cartman
[sits up] Oho! So you need me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset!
Stan
[plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us?
Cartman
Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits]
Kyle
What?!
Cartman
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle
Screw you, Cartman!
Cartman
Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Stan
Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kyle
No!
Cartman
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Stan
Just do it really fast, and we can go.
Kyle
Have Butters kiss it.
Cartman
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts]
Kyle
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
Cartman
[laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome!
Kyle
Sick! I felt it on my face!
Stan
Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
Cartman
Hell, I'm not goin' with you! [lies back down and closes his eyes again]
Kyle
Hyaaaa! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him]
Cartman
Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues]
Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness.
Butters
Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: "Not for actual breaking and entering. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime."
Stan
Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work, Cartman?
Cartman
[heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve and lights the gas stream. A blue flame shoots out and the other boys jump back.]
The hole is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground.
Stan
[softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta.
Cartman
[peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.
Stan
[looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're gonna murder you.
Cartman
Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off.
Kyle
You need to freeze some of your ass off.
Cartman
O! At least I have an ass, Jew!
Kyle
What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the remaining calves]
Stan
Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch]
Butters
Huuh what's the matter?
Stan
They aren't leaving.
Cartman
See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks.
Kyle
Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how.
Stan
Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a shot of the calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back.
Butters
No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded.
Stan
Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house.
Kyle
Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?
Stan
I don't know.
Cartman
I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood.
Kyle
Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't have that much blood in him!
Butters
Eh yeah I do too!
Stan
[moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan]
Cartman
Eh! [follows]
The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it.
Cartman
Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the calf further across the ice]
Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the calves.
Cartman
Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer.
Stan
We won't have to. Butters said he had something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over.
Kyle
Butters had that at his house?
Butters
[enters carrying a box] Hey fellas!
Stan
Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it?
Butters
I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time!
Kyle
All right!
Butters
[reads the box] "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
Stan
What?
Butters
"Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!"
Kyle
Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?
Butters
Eh, you think it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works.
Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her.
Officer Barbrady
Hello, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon
Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?
Officer Barbrady
Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property.
Sharon
Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelly appear next to her]
Rancher Bob
I followed a calf-curling trail right to your house, ma'am.
Shelly
Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom.
Sharon
Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees]
Stan
Aw crap!
Sharon
Stanley, what are you doing with those calves?
Stan
[points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and approaches] That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people!
Randy
Stanley, they belong to him.
Stan
They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
Shelly
Let me hit him, Mom!
Sharon
Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice! [Stan looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in with Cartman, Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan
No!
Randy
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
Stan
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off to his right]
Sharon
Open this door, now!
Stan
[pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss my ass!
Butters
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
Kyle
You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back with a look of determination]
Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.
Sharon
I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person.
Rancher Bob
Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe. And when they come out I can take them back.
Sharon
I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life.
Rancher Bob
Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady
Me?? How did I get into this mess?
Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.
Kyle
So what happens now?
Stan
I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing.
Kyle
We're with you, dude.
Butters
Yeah.
Stan
[serious] Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now.
Cartman
I want out.
Stan
[glares] Shut up, Cartman.
Kyle
We're with you, Stan.
Butters
Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to.
Stan
Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman.
Kyle, Butters
Yeah!
Cartman
Yeah! Wait-what?
Stan's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents and Butters' parents have joined the other adults.
Sharon
And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promise them the calves will live free, in writing.
Sheila
Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me!
Sharon
Well excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple!
Sheila
HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs, stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your mother! You will open this door right now!
Kyle
[pause] ...No I won't.
Sharon
[gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila. [Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive.
Sheila
[turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry!
Kyle
Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!
Sharon
[folds her arms] Very persuasive.
Sheila
[starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
Stephen
[calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters, this is your father.
Butters
[to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
Stan
Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this.
Stephen
Butters? Answer me!
Butters
[to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me.
Kyle
Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them...
Stephen
Butters! Right now!
Butters
Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
Stephen
WHAT?!
Butters
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Stephen
[turns to the other adults] What's gotten into them?
Sharon
Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over!
Stan
This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until we know the calves will be safe.
Sharon
Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizzas and ice cream.
Cartman
[weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys.
Kyle
Cartman, stay away from that door!
Sharon
You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away, but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.]
Sheila
[pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!!
Stan
[sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather in]
Cartman
We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?!
Stan
Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in.
Kyle
But we will have to sleep, dude.
Stan
Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
Butters
[finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!
Stan
We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes! [one calf takes a dump on the carpet, another walks up and takes a piss on it]
Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the men try to remove the door with tools. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs.
Randy
Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house.
Sheila
Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
Liane
Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food.
Sharon
Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all.
Liane
Oh, all right.
Sheila
Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can.
Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk.
Butters
Good night, fellas!
Kyle
Good night.
Butters
[to the calves] Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Neptune. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.
Cartman
Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.
Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach.
Cartman
Can't go on. Need... food...
Kyle
We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad.
Cartman
There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf.
Stan
No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
Cartman
All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters. [points]
Kyle
[looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude.
Butters
Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole]
Stan
Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket] Dude!
Cartman
Food!
Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharon and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.
Sharon
Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?
Liane
Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer.
Sheila
Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out of the basket. Stan walks away with two apples.
Kyle
All right!
Stan
See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
Cartman
Look you guys! Beef jerky!
Kyle
Yeah! And fried chicken! [Stan sits at a corner with his apples.]
Stan
[sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed, where the other boys sit eating]
Kyle, Cartman
Mmmmm.
Stan
Dude, what are you guys doing?
Kyle
We're eating, dude.
Stan
You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?!
Kyle
Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.
Butters
Me neither.
Cartman
Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy.
Stan
[returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!
Cartman
Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the hungry man?
Kyle
[looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as well, but goes back to his apples]
Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard.
Kyle
You guys, check this out! [a TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news report from News 4]
Field Reporter
Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where four insane boy terrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle.
Butters
Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are. [Cartman looks at him, then slugs him hard] Eugh!
Field Reporter
Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say.
Thomas
[with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown]
Randy
We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers!
Field Reporter
The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with terrorists.
Butters
Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas.
Stan
No, this is exactly what we wanted.
Kyle
It is?
Stan
Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people.
Field Reporter
Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to "Puppies from Around the World."
The news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown, then another, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music is heard.
Stan
[the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it.
Butters
Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far.
Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.
Stan
[notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around]
Butters
[waking] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. [voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the window]
Voices
We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved
Kyle
Huh, what the hell is that?
Hippies
If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved.
For a... brighter tomorrow...
Cartman
Hippies!
Stan
What are they doing here?
Hippie
[on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real and your fight is just. [the other hippes start cheering]
Hippies
Hooray! Hooray!
Kyle
Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
Butters
Ew, they're all dirty.
Cartman
What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter.
Field Reporter
Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles]
Sharon
[not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps her hand to her forehead]
FBI Agent
Who's in charge here?
Officer Barbrady
I am. But I don't want to be.
FBI Agent
Where's the negotiator?
FBI Negotiator
Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad.
FBI Agent
All right, see what you can do.
Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs.
Kyle
Dude, are you okay?
Stan
Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to the others]
Butters
What is that?
Kyle
Dude, maybe we should end this.
Stan
No!
Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation.
Glen Dumont
Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a squad member gets on it]
Officer Barbrady
The terrorists already said there's no way they're coming out.
Glen Dumont
[receives the phone] Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology.
Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.
Stan
Hello?
Glen Dumont
Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?
Stan
Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do?
Kyle
Don't give him anything!
Stan
What do I say??
Cartman
[walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that! [takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike.
Glen Dumont
I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right?
Cartman
Sure, sure.
Glen Dumont
How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other.
Cartman
What do you have in mind?
Glen Dumont
Well, how about you send out one of the calves?
Cartman
Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike.
Glen Dumont
Just one, that's all we want.
Cartman
All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -
Stan
Cartman, no!
Kyle
Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them]
Cartman
[clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some guns and ammunition of our own.
Glen Dumont
What? I, I can't do that.
Cartman
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen Dumont
No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman
Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Glen Dumont
[trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see what I can do.
Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff.
Glen Dumont
Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a box of ammunition towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it] Almost there.
Randy
[arrives with Sharon] What is that?
Glen Dumont
We're giving the boys some guns in return for a calf.
Randy
What?
Sharon
You're giving my baby guns?
Glen Dumont
[snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me!
Cartman
[answers the ringing phone] Hello.
Glen Dumont
Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain.
Cartman
All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf. [in the background, Kyle takes out the guns, tossing them to Butters]
Glen Dumont
Well, ha- how about you send out two calves?
Cartman
Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?! [Butters assembles a machine gun while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on his face]
Stan
O-ogh...
Cartman
We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving his gun around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges]
Glen Dumont
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.
Cartman
Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else! [Kyle tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy]
Glen Dumont
What do you have in mind?
Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began.
Glen Dumont
A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting a missile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle wait by the window again]
Sheila
You're giving them a missile??
Glen Dumont
[losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust!
Stan's room.
Kyle
[dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's getting worse, you guys.
Cartman
Mike, speak.
Glen Dumont
How are we doin'?
Cartman
We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us?
Glen Dumont
Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word "veal" to "tortured baby cow." [holds up an FDA document]
Cartman
Good, good.
Glen Dumont
But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota.
Cartman
Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
Glen Dumont
Now, now please can, can we get you to come out? [Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute]
Outside Stan's house, night.
Glen Dumont
All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them.
Adults
Yes! All right! Woohoo!
Officer Barbrady
Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.
FBI Agent
They're coming out now?
Glen Dumont
Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico.
Sharon
What??
Glen Dumont
And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck. [beat] In full makeup.
Randy
Jesus Christ!
FBI Agent
All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!
Glen Dumont
All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples.
FBI Agent
Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, they'll come out and then, we could take them.
Officer Barbrady
But isn't that dishonest?
FBI Agent
Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen?
Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.
FBI Agent
All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
Michael Dorn
[aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at three in the morning, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town. [folds his arms] What the hell is going on?!
FBI Agent
I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got terrorists making demands and we need your help.
Michael Dorn
This is highly unusual!
FBI Agent
[on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International.
Cartman
And Worf?
Michael Dorn
My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf.
Kyle
[rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked!
Stan
[looking very weak and with a few more sores on his body] It... did?
Kyle
They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!
Stan
Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up]
Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.
Cartman
Step back! Tell those men to step back!
FBI Agent
Do it!
FBI Agents
[lowering their weapons and stepping back] Mmrrrr.
Hippies
All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
Cartman
[heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, and you must refer to me as "Captain."
Michael Dorn
Where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman
No. See, you must say, "Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?"
Michael Dorn
Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman
You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves.
Michael Dorn
This whole thing is ridiculous!
Cartman
[correcting Dorn] "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"
Michael Dorn
[beat, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. [starts up the engine]
Cartman
[calls out] Okay, all set!
An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story — from the camera of another News 4 helicopter.
Field Reporter
Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom.
Ground view, inside the trailer.
Butters
Okay Cartman!
Ground view, on the street.
Cartman
Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off]
Boys
All right!
Inside the trailer.
Butters
We're going! [Kyle grins]
Kyle
Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out of the way.]
In the cab. Police cars follow the semi.
Cartman
Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!
Michael Dorn
We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads!
Cartman
[correcting gently] "Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?"
Michael Dorn
Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads.
Cartman
Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers.
Inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor.
Kyle
Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on.
On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch.
FBI Agent
Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it! [another agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole thing comes to a stop]
Cartman
[looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!!
FBI Agent
[approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up!
In the trailer.
Kyle
Oh no! No!!
In the cab.
Cartman
What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn
I'm NOT killing anybody!
Cartman
Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.
Stan
We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
FBI Agent
[On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive.
Michael Dorn
Can I go now?
Officer Barbrady
Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you.
Rancher Bob
Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him] Well, it doesn't matter now.
Officer Barbrady
What do you mean?
Rancher Bob
In the twenty-four hours since the word "veal" was officially changed to "little tortured baby cow" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'.
Butters
Really?
Rancher Bob
Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life.
Kyle
Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan?? [Butters appears next to them]
Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.
Dr. Doctor
He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
Randy
Vaginitis?
Dr. Doctor
It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
Kyle
Whoa, dude.
Dr. Doctor
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Cartman
Thank God we stopped it in time.
Stan
Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
Butters
Hear hear.
Sheila
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Stephen
I'll say!
Butters
Aw, we're still grounded?
Kyle
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Gerald
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
Stephen
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
The Boys
All right!
End of Fun with Veal


  605: "Fun with Veal" edit
Story Elements

Baby CowsVaginitisMichael DornGlen DumontFederal Bureau of InvestigationHippiesSusanne Sommers Calf Exerciser

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season