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Freemium Isn't Free/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Butters Stotch
  • Boy
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Marvin Marsh
  • Terrance & Phillip
  • Minister of Mobile Gaming / Beelzeboot (Canadian Satan)
  • Minister of Sports
  • Satan
  • Voice Notification
  • Announcer
  • News Canada (NC) 9 Reporter

Script

[South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is full of students. Kyle walks down the hallway. Jimmy passes him going the other way, but notices him and walks over.]
Jimmy: Oh! Hey Kyle! [Kyle looks over his shoulder] Kyle, hang on a sec. [He's holding his phone, on which is a Terrance & Phillip game]
Kyle: [turns to face him] Hey Jimmy. What's up?
Jimmy: Not much. I just wanted to make sure you heard the fuh-fantastic news. There's a new Terrance & Phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun.
Kyle: Oh. Really?
Jimmy: Yeah! And the most unbelievable part? It's totally free. You should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come. On. If it's free, why wouldn't you?
Kyle: [considers it for a moment] Cool. Thanks, Jimmy, well, I'll check it out.
Jimmy: You betcha, pal. [grins. Kyle turns and walks away and the grin fades. Jimmy turns and continues on his way]
[Close-up view of the Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game]
Announcer: The Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game. [The game goes from the splash screen to a layout of their town, starting at their house. Coins float over the streets, ready to be grabbed. The announcer pops into view] In this game, you are Terrance & Phillip. Can you collect all the Canadian coins? *poot* [disappears.]
[South Park Elementary, side entrance. Kyle has downloaded the game and is now playing it while Butters sits next to him on the steps and watches. Kyle taps on a coin...]
Announcer: That's one coin. Can you collect more? [Kyle taps on more coins on the screen] You've collected ten Canadian coins! [a big red 10 appears on a yellow star] Congratulations! [that word, also in red, appears above the 10] Hey, you're really good at this, guy!
Kyle: What?
Butters: Congratulations, Kyle.
Announcer: [pops up again] With Canada coins, you can buy stuff that helps Terrance & Phillip rebuild Canada. [only five buildings, all houses, are shown, with the rest of the area being undeveloped] Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk! [a Royal Bank price chart appears, with purchases going from 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents to 5700 for $50] How many Canadian coins would you like to buy?
Kyle: This is stupid!
Butters: Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one. [Kyle taps on the button and coins pop out at him]
Announcer: You buy 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents! You're amazing! Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada! Click to build a hospital here. [a floating red arrow pops up on the empty block across from Terrance & Phillip's house. Kyle taps on it and the hospital appears]
Terrance & Phillip: Yaaay!
Kyle: It's still stupid and now I paid 49 cents for it!
Cartman: [approaching wit Kenny] What are you two boners doing?
Butters: We're playing the Terrance & Phillip Freemium Game.
Cartman: I played that thing; it's fuckin' dumb. I ended up paying like five bucks.
Kyle: Who makes this crap?
[The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. It's a busy place, as suits go in and out of the building. A hockey skater zips by on the street with a puck. Inside, in a meeting room, two men are at a table. One of them is on a laptop while the other watches. The meeting room is ringed with curtains]
Minister: Oh! It's tewwific! That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day!
Prince: Where is the roof on this thing?
Terrance: [the double doors burst open and Terrance & Phillip storm their way in] What's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval?!
Minister: Ohh, Terrance & Phillip! How are Canada's two favorite buddies?
Phillip: What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance & Phillip mobile game?! Who do you think you are?!
Prince: Oh, I'm only the Prince of Canada! And this happens to be the Minister of Mobile Gaming.
Minister: We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game-eh.
Phillip: It's the dumbest game over! All you do is collect and spend Canadough!
Prince: Ey! We know the game's not great, but who cares? It's free!
Phillip: But it's not free! If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there, then it's not free!
Minister: [low voice] They see through the charade.
Prince: Uh oh, you think so?
Minister: I think they see through the charade, yes.
Prince: I'm pretty sure they can hear us too. [Yes, and they're not pleased one bit.]
Minister: Alright, fuck it! You've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up! [walks up to a large heavy rope and pulls on it. A bell sounds and the curtain around the room go up, revealing white boards that show how the mobile game is set up. Terrance & Phillip are suddenly bewildered] Allow me to explain the science behind micropay premium gaming. For years gaming was simple. You pay for the game and you enjoy. With mobile apps we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid. But if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded!
Prince: Free"mium". The "mium" is Latin for "not really."
Minister: It's a simple cycle. A never-ending loop based on RPG. Explore -> Collect -> Spend -> Improve. But whereas those just use the concept of XP or Experience Points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. Money. Money. Money money money money.
Prince: It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun.
[The Marsh house, evening. Randy and Sharon have Stan on the sofa]
Randy: You're in big trouble, Stanley! Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?! [whips out a phone bill. Sharon's arms are crossed]
Stan: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much.
Randy: You didn't realize! What are "Canadian coins"?
Stan: You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough.
Randy: Stan, just because I make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough!
Stan: I'll pay you back for it, okay?!
Randy: How?!
Stan: I don't know, I'll figure it out! Jesus Christ!
[The master bedroom, later. Randy changes into red pajamas while Sharon is already in her white ones sipping some water.]
Randy: Can you believe him?! He knew how much he was spending! He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter! [Sharon lies down] I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa.
Sharon: Wull whattaya mean?
Randy: [faces Sharon] Dad's always had a gambling problem. He's got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow... passed those demons down to Stan?
Sharon: Well then you certainly have some of those problems too with drinking.
Randy: had a problem, but I was able to stop. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him that... doesn't... allow him to stop.[dramatic exit music]
[Back to the Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming.]
Minister: And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles. Entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing chachings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency-
Prince: So they'll forget they're spending money.
Minister: -and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.
Phillip: We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it- just at least be fun?
Minister: No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun. [the Prince gives Terrance and Phillip each a check.]
Terrance: What's this?
Prince: Your checks of course. For ten million American dollars. Each.
Terrance: So this is- Everyone is doing this?
Minister: Ehhhveryone is doing it.
Phillip: It's just the way things are going?
Minister: It's the way things are going!
Terrance: Well, I guess if everyone is just paying forty cents at a time it can't be that bad.
[Stan's bedroom, day. Stan is playing the Terrance & Phillip mobile game in bed]
Terrance: [in the game] Hey Phillip! [Stan's bedroom door opens and in walk Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman]
Stan: Ohhh hey guys.
Kyle: You... missed school today?
Stan: Yeah, I just wasn't feelin' the best.
Kyle: Did you play the Terrance & Phillip freemium game all day?
Stan: Well yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do?
Cartman: How much money did you micropay today, Stan?
Stan: Nothing! Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough. But check it out, I unlocked the stadium in Toronto. [smiles]
Kyle: You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium?
Stan: You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play?
Cartman: Yes.
Stan: It's just something to kill some time. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out.
Kyle: Waitwaitwait, Jimmy told you about this game?
Cartman: Jimmy told me about this game.
Kyle: Kenny, who told you about this game?
Kenny: (Jimmy.)
Kyle: Dude, what?!
Cartman: The?!
Kenny: (Fuck?!)
[A street corner in South Park, near a fast-food restaurant. Jimmy stands there with phone in hand. He spots someone.]
Jimmy: Pssst. Hey, kid. Come over here. [a boy crosses the street and stands next to him] Yeah, come on over. Ch-check this out. You looking to have some fun?
Boy: What do you mean?
Jimmy: The Terrance & Phillip mobile game. [whips it out] All the cool kids are usin' it.
Boy: Aw, I don't know.
Jimmy: Come, on, just try it out. You can be Terrance or Phillip or both. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff. [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny appear at the other end of the block and spot him, then walk towards him a few seconds later] It's the perfect thing if you're bored. And honestly, the best part about it, is it's free. I mean, come. On. Why wouldn't you download it, and just try it out? [the boys reach him]
Kyle: Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?
Jimmy: Why sure fellas. [the boy turns left and walks away] Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid.
Kyle: [walks up to him] Dude, what are you doing?!
Jimmy: Just hangin' out. What are you up to?
Kyle: You need to stop recommending that app to people!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: Everyone we know says they heard about it from you!
Jimmy: I just think it's a fabulous app, that's all.
Cartman: It's not a fabulous app! It's fuckin' stupid!
Kyle: [crosses his arms] Let me ask you something, Jimmy: What happens on level 2 after you get the Ontario Nugget?!
Jimmy: [on the spot] Alright alright! I never played it. I stay away from the stuff.
Kyle: You just push it on other people?!
Jimmy: They pay me to!
Kyle: Who, Jimmy?! Who pays you?!
[The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Prince looks out over the new construction going on in the city, then turns around]
Prince: You've both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game.
Terrance: Ahh, listen, ahh, we've been talking it over, and we really are uncomfortable with this freemium thing.
Minister: Oh. Ah what is the matter?
Phillip: It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect. [Terrance jumps up and farts on Phillip, who laughs.]
Prince: But just look at all the things we're getting to build. Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan.
Terrance: We're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford.
Minister: Hoh non! Well, we certainly wouldn't want that! [gasps] Oh! I have an idea! How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and, we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in "moderation"?
Prince: Ohhhhh. [claps furiously]
Phillip: Do you really think that would help?
Minister: Of course! The alcohol industry does it all the time!
[Live commercial for alcohol. A montage of people enjoying alcohol and the good life that often accompanies it.]
Announcer: You. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. You're hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass, drink, ass, money, you in a tuxedo, threesomes, vodka, pussy, drink, drink, drink, you, drink, Vegas, fun, pussy, you, in a tuxedo, fucking this girl, vodka, drink drink drink drink it all you fucking pussy! MORE TUXEDOS, MORE CARS, MORE PUSSY, MORE VODKA, DRINK DRINK DRINK! [screen goes black with "Drink Responsibly" in white on it] Please drink responsibly.
[Three Feathers Casino, day. The camera pans from left to right. Randy appears in the far end of the casino and walks to the right]
Randy: Come on. This way, Stan. I want you to see this. There you go. [Stan catches up] That's your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar? All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. [they approach Marvin] Come on Dad, we're going home.
Marvin: [playing at a 25 cent Lucky Unicorn slot machine] Ah, go away.
Randy: Do you know what you've done to your grandson? You've infected him with your bullshit!
Marvin: What are you talkin' about?
[The Marsh house, some time later, day. Randy is pacing the floor in front of the sofa as Stan and Marvin sit and listen]
Randy: I just don't understand what is wrong with you two! What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?!
Stan: It's just...
Marvin: It's fun.
Stan: Yeah, it's fun.
Randy: It's not fun! You two have demons you're trying to compensate for!
Marvin: Well what about you?! You're havin' a glass of wine!
Randy: I'm not having a glass of wine, I'm having six! [walks up to a small buffet cabinet on which sit six different glasses of wine, from syrah to rosé] It's called a tasting, and it's classy![Marvin looks away]
Stan: Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but I don't have to. I'll prove it.
Marvin: [faces forward] Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop.
Randy: All right. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore. [gulps down the glass of Merlot] HM. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. *uurp*
[Jimmy's house. He stands by a window contemplating]
Jimmy: Is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their feh-f-free time? I was just a middleman. [turns around and walks across the room] People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. I'm not the one who made it.
Kyle: But you accepted money from the Canadian government! To push a freemium game on us! Why would they do that?!
Jimmy: How do you get people addicted to crack? You give it away for free. You give away a little taste and then... and then some people... can't stop themselves.
Cartman: [approaches Jimmy and grabs him by the shirt collar] And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! How could you sell out your friend?!
Jimmy: I needed the money, alright?! [Cartman releases him and he walks off a bit] I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest because it was free. I love the sparkly little gems. The sounds they made when I got new ones. Then I made my first in-app purchase. Before I knew it I had spent my allowance, then my birthday money, I LOST my CRUTCHES!
Kyle: You have your crutches!
Jimmy: It's a figure of speech with crippled people. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much.
Cartman: That makes sense.
Kyle: You're saying these games do this on purpose?!
Jimmy: [faces the boys] Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? It's called a trigger. A quick image to trigger the addict's brain. They know exactly what they're doing.
[Stan's bedroom, night. He's awake in bed looking at the ceiling. The first notification comes in on his phone]
Voice Notification: Hey buddih. Come on, guy. [Stan turns to his left side and the notification disappears, but just as he closes his eyes another one follows.] Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy. [Stan takes his pillow and puts it over his head. The third notification comes in] We've just given you 5000 Canadian coins. [Stan quickly looks at his phone] Enjoy you Canadough.
Stan: ...Free? [puts his pillow back on the mattress, grabs the phone and starts playing again]
[The Marsh kitchen, day. Randy and Stan are in it]
Randy: What is wrong with you, Stan?! You said you stopped buying Canadough!
Stan: I didn't think I spent that much. I, I clicked on a few micropays and it just kinda added up.
Randy: $26,000??? Do you know how many songs I have to write to make back that much money?!
Stan: One?
Randy: Oh, it's just nothing' to you, isn't it?!
Stan: No, no, it's not.
Randy: You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay?!
Stan: I don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer!
Randy: I am not chugging beer! [walks up to the breakfast table on which are eight glasses of wine and eight of beer, paired up. He's gone through four pairs already] I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers with a French wine pairing! It's called a smorgaswein, and it's elegantly cultural! [plops the fifth lager into the fifth wine glass and chugs down the pair, then blows a whistle while shaking his head with his hands. Stan has nothing to say.]
[Kyle's house, day. Stan walks over to it and rings the doorbell. Kyle answers the door.]
Stan: Okay, I need help. [sometime later Cartman, Kenny and Jimmy arrive, and Stan picks up where he left off. The conversation moves to the living room, and Kyle gives Stan a comforting tap on the right shoulder] There is something different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. I don't understand.
Jimmy: Fellas, can I have a moment with Stan, please?
Kyle: Sure. Come on, guys. [he, Cartman and Kyle walk away]
Jimmy: This is my fault, Stan. I should have never told you the game was fuh fufuh fan-fantastic.
Stan: It's not your fault. It's something to do with my family. It's like a curse.
Jimmy: I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, I know. I'm an addict too. But I got help.
Stan: How?
Jimmy: What all the addiction programs say is true. You've gotta reach out to a higher power, Stan. You've gotta get down on your knees, and you've gotta say "I have a problem." And you've gotta ask that higher power for help. [Stan is left deep in thought]
[The Broflovski kitchen, at the same time. The other boys are in there waiting for Jimmy and Stan]
Kyle: [brainstorming] We have to find a way to get the word out! People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems! There has to be a way that we can get to the news company, and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then-
Cartman: It's done. [he had been texting on his phone]
Kyle: Wuh, what's done?
Cartman: The word is out. [shows him the phone] "Terrance & Phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts." I tweeted it. [glances at his phone's screen] It's trending.
[The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. Terrance & Phillip burst through the doors again]
Terrance: You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?!
Prince: You what?
Minister: Now hold on, Terrance & Philip, there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.
Phillip: But there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses!
Terrance: You didn't build a mobile game, you built an addiction machine!
Prince: Minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot?
Minister: Alright, alright, you've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. [pulls down on the heavy rope again and new, prepared whiteboards come down over the used ones. The doors close and the room gets dim.] The truth is, a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay two hundred bucks for a game that's not even worth forty cents.
Terrance: But then all our profits come from people with problems.
Minister: Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke.
Phillip: [snorts the bump] Okay, but we still won't stand for this!
[Stan's room, night. He's kneeling by the side of his bed, looking up at the moon. Then he gets to prayer]
Stan: I don't know if you're listening, but... I guess I have something inside me that I can't control. Something... kind of dark. Please... help show me the way? [a bright, fiery light appears behind him and he turns to look at it. Satan emerges from it]
Satan: You have summoned the Prince of Temptation! For what purpose?!
Stan: Whoa shit. Uhhh, I have addiction demons and I don't understand them.
Satan: Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul! [moments later he's on Stan's bed, the fiery light gone] So you got dopamine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable, like eating, sex, and that's just nature, right? Like rabbits and fish and shit. They need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce.
Stan: Okay.
Satan: But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, it's not fuckin' rocket science, this stuff.
Stan: So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?
Satan: Fuck no! It's like, okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way, you know, you've been eatin' gluten and shit, and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked, and now you're diabetic forever, right? So like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, ummm, a dopamine fuckup, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life.
Stan: So what does that mean? I I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?
Satan: Yeah, that's pretty much what it means.
Stan: The addict people said something about me filling a hole.
Satan: Well who's not filling a fuckin' hole? Right? You know, I mean what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time?
Stan: Yeah, no, this is great.
Satan: Okay, let me get some visual aids. Gimme juuust a sec.
[The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Minister continues with his lecture]
Minister: Here is a fact: 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics, freemium games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.
Phillip: Oh God, he just doesn't stop!
Terrance: Who IS this guy?!
Minister: We're building a new Canada with micropayments from addicts! Who cares?! You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?! They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted, they're counting on it!! It's the same with us! But we've got our eye on every addict's screen! [the whiteboards begin to dissolve into the walls, with the words floating around independently]Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats!
Phillip: Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate?!
Minister: Hohon, I'm much worse than the Devil. [he transforms into a Canadian devil and floats up towards the ceiling] I'm the Canadian Devil. [laughs]
Terrance: Oh dear God! It's the Canadian Devil!
Phillip: Beelzeboot!
Beelzeboot: You discovered my plan, but too late! [lets out a flaming turd] Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!
Terrance: Oh no!
Prince: Oh, what have I done?!
Beelzeboot: Heheheh! Hahaha! [lets out a flaming turd]
[Stan's room, night. Satan continues his talk with Stan, this time with a small whiteboard]
Satan: So basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff.[puts the whiteboard aside] Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?
Stan: I guess so, but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there?
Satan: You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal, I have to put temptation out there too so people have free will and all that shit. But you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay.
Voice Notification: *Ding* Ey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough?
Satan: What's this?
Stan: That's what I've been addicted to. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications. [Satan taps the screen, stands up, and plays the game]
Satan: What, you just collect coins?
Announcer: How much money can you buy today?
Satan: No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute. Who put this out?
Stan: Ah, Canada?
Satan: Oh that son of a bitch! He's always doing this shit! I tell him, "temptation has to be nuanced!" but he goes and does this crap again! I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that alright?
Stan: ...Okay. [Satan proceeds to possess Stan] Aaaaahhh!
[The Marsh living room, moments later. Randy and Sharon are on the sofa. Randy wears a beer hat with two cans of gluten-free PBR attached to it, one by each ear]
Randy: Oh pass interference! Interference! [points at the TV. Stan walks by]
Sharon: Stan, where are you going? [Randy looks over]
Stan: [with Satan's voice] I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me. [continues out the door]
Randy: Told ya. Kid's got demons. I don't do that. [Sharon looks at him]
[The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, under a fiery sky.]
NC 9 Reporter: Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight. When the Prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the Canadian Devil.
Beelzeboot: [flies up to the microphone] Hey, guy, I'm the Canadian Devil. [lets out a flaming turd and flies back into the Department]
NC 9 Reporter: The Canadian Devil now has complete control of the soul of every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada, and therefore, the world. [Beelzeboot goes to torture Terrance, Phillip, and the Prince, who now hang from chains tied to the ceiling]
Beelzeboot: Heh heheheh, I stab you. [Satan, now in Stan's body, appears outside the meeting room and blows the doors off, then walks in]
Satan: Beelzeboot! Once again you lack any sense of nuance!
Phillip: Who the fuck is that?
Beelzeboot: Well well, my overachieving doppelganger! You're no match for Canadian Satan! [lets out a flaming turd]
Satan: Return from whence you came! [purple balls of energy appear around his hands, and they produce two beams of flame which carry Beelzeboot out into the sky]
Beelzeboot: Ow! Watch it, guy! [the battle continues in the sky]
NC 9 Reporter: Sadly, a shocking turn of events here as the actual Devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the Canadian Devil! This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, let's ask the Minister of Sports in Edmonton. [The Canadian Minister of Sports appears on split screen]
Minister of Sports: Well of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the Canadian Devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years.
Canadian: Screw that, go Canada!
Satan: Enough, Beelzeboot! Thy end has come. [the balls of energy reappear and this time he aims the flames down at Beelzeboot. He destroys the Department in the meantime. flaming skulls appear and go back into the pit Satan created]
[The neighborhood park, day. Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle play basketball there when the ground next to them opens up and a bunch of red arms lift Stan out, repairing the court just before Stan lands on it.]
Kyle: Hey dude.
Stan: Hey.
Kyle: Y-you alright?
Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay. [turns away and walks off the court]
Cartman: Cool.
[Canada. There's a huge celebration, and the Prince steps up tp the podium]
Prince: My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together: that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian Devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [cheers erupt from the crowd]
[The Marsh dining room. Grandpa and Stan are playing a board game]
Stan: I'm gonna move here and here, and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie.
Marvin: Well okay, good idea. [Stan rolls the dice]
Randy: [stops by with an ornate silver cup] What are you gaywads doin'?
Stan: We're playing board games, so that Grandpa avoids the casino and I avoid freemium apps.
Randy: Well all right! Good for you guys. Tell you what, I'll join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine. [takes a seat]
Stan: That's not a glass, that's a trophy, that you won, for drinking.
Randy: It's not drinking. It's called a White Zinfandel Sipping Sprint, and it's competitive. Get off your high fuckin' horse.
Stan: Your turn, Grandpa. If you roll a five or a six, you can kill these zombies. [Marvin takes the dice and rolls them]
Randy: You guys wanna put some money on it? [Stan bangs his head on the table.]
[End of Freemium Isn't Free.]
  1806: "Freemium Isn't Free" edit
Story Elements

The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming • Canadian SatanTerrance and Phillip Give Us Your Money Mobile Game SatanTerrance and Phillip • Drink Responsibly PSA • Possessed Stan Marsh • Smorgasvein

Media

ImagesScriptsVideo

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighteenth Season

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