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Cast

Script

Freak Strike
Commercial.
Announcer
Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people [a shot of one dwarf walking, then of another being interviewed by Maury] all have horrible disfigurements, [a shot of a man with elephantitis getting some popcorn, then going down an escalator] and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! [Maury interviews a flatheaded man, a blond with stumps for arms wrestles with a brush in the shower]
Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television from the sofa.
Stan
Hm, that sounds pretty good.
"Kenny"
[walks in] (Hey guys. What's going on here?)
Stan
Hey Kenny! [the three boys grin]
"Kenny"
(Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!)
Cartman
That's awesome, Kenny. ["Kenny" removes his hood, and it's Butters]
Butters
Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead.
Kyle
Okay, Not-Kenny.
Butters
And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither! [takes off the coat and tosses it away] I should be able to be you guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat!
Stan
Shhh! Be quiet, Not-Kenny! The Maury Povich freak show is on.
Butters
Oh, all right, then. [takes a seat on the sofa between Kyle and Cartman]
Maury Povich show.
Maury
Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones.
Damla
[a blonde] Hello, Maury. [walks out. She has spindly legs, but no chest, abdomen or back. Think Mike Wazowski of "Monsters Inc." The boys are suitably disgusted]
Cut to Cartman and the boys.
Cartman
Aww, sick dude!
Cut to show.
Maury
[Damla climbs onto the guest chair] You're a very brave little girl, and I'm very proud of you.
Damla
[voice quivering] Thank you.
Maury
[leans forward] Can you tell the audience how miserable your life is?
Damla
Uh-uh, yes. It is.
Maury
[giggles] You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you?
Damla
Sometimes.
Maury
[puts his left hand on her forehead] Do people sometimes stare at you?
Damla
Sometimes.
Maury
[sits on the ground in front of her] Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing"?
Damla
Mmm-I don't know. [looks away and down]
Maury
Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music.
Damla
Yes.
Maury
Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance! [the studio audience applauds, music starts up to lead to commercial] All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman whose head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna give her a makeover!
Cut to sofa.
Kyle
This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after they joked about it. What a dick!
Cut to show.
Announcer
Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can exploit on the Maury Povich show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY!
Cut to sofa.
Stan
Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize!
Kyle
Cool!
Cartman
Oh YES!! [gets off the sofa and heads for the phone]
Butters
Oh, that'd be awesome! [Cartman dials the number]
Kyle
[he and the other two follow Cartman] Do you think they'll believe it?
Stan
What disease should we say?
Cartman
Shhh. Be quite, you guys! [talks to someone on the phone] Hello, is this Maury Povich? [beat] Oh, well who the hell are you? [beat] Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks? [Stan grins, Kyle stifles a laugh] Ye-right, people with disabilities? [beat] Yeah, I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your show. [beat] Great! [beat] Hih-his condition? [beat] Uh, he has a condition called "chinballalitis." [beat] Yeah, his balls actually hang from his chin. [Stan stilfes a laugh and closes his eyes, then Butters stifles a laugh. All of them giggle. Cartman tells the others] Shut uh- shut up you guys. [beat, then on the phone] Yes. [beat] Yes, of course he's very upset about it. [beat] Yes, he cries all the time. [beat] Miserable, uh huh. [beat] You wha- Really?
Stan
[drops his hands] What? [the others follow]
Cartman
Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow!
Kyle
Awesome!
Butters
Cool!
Cartman
Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show. [trying to be subtle] There will of course be a prize involved? [beat] Great. I'll call you back in an hour. [gladly] No, thank you. [hangs up] YES!
Stan
This is gonna be so funny!
Butters
Uh, it sure is!
Kyle
But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin?
Butters
Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin?
Kyle
Yeah.
Butters
Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters.
Stan
We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you think we were talkin' about?
Butters
We-ell hold on a second, you guys.
Cartman
[hops off the chair] Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.
Butters
Hang on now.
Kyle
Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters!
Butters
Wait! W-why does it have to be me??
Stan
It has to be you, Butters. Think about it.
Cartman
Yeah.
Butters
But fellas, if I go on Maury Povich, with- with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad.
Kyle
We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters
I'm sorry, but the answer is uh uh, uh uh, uh uh. [crosses his arms and looks away]
Stan
[looks away and up] Kenny woulda done it. [Butters reacts]
Butters
...So? I told you guys before: [with emphasis] I'm not Kenny.
Kyle
We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool.
Cartman
Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend.
Stan
[begins to walk and lead the others away] Well, come on guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand. [Butters now looks chastened]
Cartman
Yeah.
Butters
Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't find out?
The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers work on Butters.
Brunet Trekker
Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spirit gum.
Butters
Hey that spirit gum sure is stinky.
Stan
Where's you get the balls from?
Brunet Trekker
We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside.
Cartman
Nice.
Blond Trekker
Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair, [spins the chair around] and presto! [shows Butters' new look to the boys. Butters indeed sports a fake scrotum]
Stan
Wow!
Kyle
That looks awesome!
Butters
Aw, I feel silly.
Cartman
They look great on you, Butters. They really do.
Blond Trekker
I believe you owe us payment now? [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Stan
All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I
Brunet Trekker
Wooww!
Blond Trekker
They weren't lying!
The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room.
Kyle
[softly] Why the hell would they want that anyway? [drops to a whisper] Episode I sucked balls.
Cartman
Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls. [the Trekkers begin to fight over the tape. Butters checks his new balls self-consciously]
Blond Trekker
Here, damnit!
Brunet Trekker
Hey, hey! Stop it, man!
Denver Airport, next day.
Announcer
Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready for general boarding.
Stan
That's your flight, Butters.
Cartman
Okay, here's your ticket [hands it to Butters] and they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York. [pushes him forward]
Butters
Uh wait. [stops] You guys aren't comin' with me?
Stan
Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV.
Butters
[backs up into the lineup] Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go.
Cartman
God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys?
Kyle
Yeah, he sure is.
Stan
Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend! [pause]
Cartman
Buh-ters! Buh-ters!
Butters
[hesitant] Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow. [heads for the gate, then turns around. The boys wave at him. Butters looks down, then walks into the plane.]
New York, TV Studio, day.
Stagehand
Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer, and Man With No Face.
Butters
Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV before.
Man With No Face
[goes for some water] Yes, this is my sixth appearance. [drinks]
Stagehand
I'll come back in a bit, folks. [leaves]
Man with Foot on Head
Hey Roger! [the stagehand stops] What the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?!
Disfigured Country Singer
Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables.
Roger
I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take a seat on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute. [Butters looks at the others, then makes his way to a spot on the couch and sits down. A long silence follows]
Disfigured Country Singer
...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around. How long have you been on the circuit?
Butters
What circuit?
Man with Foot on Head
The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first one.
Butters
Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once?
Man With No Face
Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five times.
Disfigured Country Singer
[looks at the man with no face] You've only done Jenny once?
Man with Foot on Head
Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't even have their own hair people.
Man With No Limbs
I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.
Disfigured Country Singer
Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we all do talk shows for a living.
Man with Foot on Head
We all know each other and we kinda stick together to make sure our industry is protected.
Man With No Face
Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak.
Butters
[trembling] Oh they, they do, huh?
Disfigured Country Singer
Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows and then take our money away!
Man With No Limbs
We don't take kindly to that.
Butters
Well I can certainly see why.
Man With No Limbs
It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what they saw what we did to Lobster Boy.
Butters
Lobster Boy?
Man with Foot on Head
Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured people on TV.
Disfigured Country Singer
But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster.
Man With No Limbs
[grousing] Lying sack of crap.
Man with Foot on Head
So you know what we did to him?
Butters
What?
Man with Foot on Head
One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled him alive. [Butters stares, then an image of a lobster in a boiling pot appears, then vanishes]
Disfigured Country Singer
Now Lobster Boy is no more.
Butters
Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too. Those stupid fakers.
Man with Foot on Head
We're glad you agree.
Stagehand
Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next.
Butters
[hops off the couch and heads for the door.] Oh, Jesus, see me through this.
Maury Povich Show promo.
Announcer
Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of our favorite disfigured people [four scenes: first, the man with the foot on his head is talking to the girl with rapid aging disease and disfigured country singer, then the disfigured country singer is shown eating a subway sub, then the man with no face shows his disfigurement, and finally Butters' shadow is shown in profile] and introduce you to some new ones.
Stan's living room. The boys watch TV..
Stan
Here he comes.
Kyle
This is gonna be awesome!
Maury Povich Show, new segment.
Maury
Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin.
Cartman
Testicles and scrotum! [laughs gleefully]
Maury
Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park Colorado. [Butters looks out timidly at the audience from behind the curtain, then heads for the guest chair.] Thanks so much for coming on our show.
Butters
Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose.
Maury
So, is it tough being ...different?
Butters
Uhhh, yeah.
Maury
And do all the kids at school make fun of you?
Butters
[forgetting why he's supposedly made of] They sure do. They always say to me, "Butters, you're not Kenny." But I never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do that-
Cartman
Uh oh, we're losin' him.
Butters
I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh deal with it.
Maury
Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you because of your condition?
Butters
Uh what condition?
Maury
[terse] You have balls that hang off your chin.
Butters
I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that.
Stan, Kyle
Phew.
Cartman
Oh, that was close.
Maury
What names do they call you at school?
Butters
Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!" [Stan and Kyle grin, Cartman laughs hard]
Maury
And do they call you "freak" and "weirdo"?
Butters
Well yeah, I s'pose.
Maury
[sits on the floor and draws closer] Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched earth?
Butters
Uh, sure.
Maury
Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you.
Stan, Kyle
Wait, here it is, here it is!
Cartman
The present.
Maury
Because you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world!
Butters
Oh really?
Kyle
Wow!
Cartman
Did he say "the... largest putt-putt golf course in the world"?
Maury
Go on, you're going right now!! [Butters hops off and walks away happily]
Stan
But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and we don't!
Kyle
Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!
Cartman
Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over! That asshole!
Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone.
Cartman
Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? [beat] Yes, I'm calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls hanging from my chin. [strokes his "balls"] I'd like to come in and talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?
Operator
[just painted the fingernails on her right hand and is having them dry] I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now. We're looking for people for a new topic.
Cartman
What's the new topic?
Operator
Please help my out-of-control child.
Cartman
Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!
Operator
Really? [pulls out a notepad and starts taking notes] Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are?
Cartman
Uh, sure!
Operator
Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age?
Cartman
Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and potpourri, and queazies.
Operator
Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in with you, we'd love to fly you out.
Cartman
[stunned] ...my, my mom?
Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind his back.
Cartman
Mmoooomm?
Liane
Yes, sweetie?
Cartman
Could you do me a favor?
Liane
What's that, my little man?
Cartman
Could you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest putt-putt golf course in the wwoooorrlldd?
Liane
Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gum drop.
Cartman
I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you?
Liane
Of course I do.
Cartman
Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful mother.
Liane
Sweetie, don't.
Cartman
Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother. [turns around and walks out] Such a beautiful mother.
Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard about the show. Stephen has his arms folded in front of him.
Linda
Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!
Butters
[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.
Stephen
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!
Butters
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.
Stephen
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!
Linda
Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!
Butters
[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]
Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself.
Butters
Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
Stan
[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
Butters
Oh Jesus! They were??
Stan
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
Butters
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
Stan
I- told them where to find you.
Butters
What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein' a real freak!
Stan
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]
Butters
Oh Jesus no. [hops off his dresser and walks away from the window] They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, I've gotta get outta here! [reaches his bedroom door, but turns around] Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a pickle! [the doorbell rings.]
Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks look around.
Man with Foot on Head
Napoleon? [the disfigured country singer goes for the knob and opens the door.]
Disfigured Country Singer
Napoleon Bonaparte? [leads the other freaks in. Butters quickly prepares his false scrotum...] I think he's up here. [opens the door, and Butters grins back at them with one hand on the dresser and a suave pose. His balls are back in place]
Butters
Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?
Disfigured Country Singer
There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin.
Man with Foot on Head
We've got big news! The union is striking.
Butters
[relaxes] The union? Oh, that's why you came?
Disfigured Country Singer
We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up.
Butters
Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded.
Man with Foot on Head
Grounded for what?
Butters
For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'. [strikes the pose again] Ah I'm not grounded.
Man With No Face
Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world,
The Freaks
Unite! [Butters looks at them]
Maury Povich show.
Announcer
Today on Maury Povich: These moms [three are shown. Only Liane grins] don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids! [a fat blonde girl is shown, then Cartman's school picture] Young boys and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child pornography!
Maury
[on his stool] We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control. [the woman next to him blows her nose] Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is already doing drugs and having sex with older men. [Vanessa begins to bawl]
Studio Audience
Ooohhhhhhhh.
Maury
Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her toooo... do her homework.
Vanessa
[sobbing] She says she hates me. She, she calls me "retard"? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it. [sobs some more]
Studio Audience
Aawwwwww. [music starts up]
Maury
Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! [she steps out and the awws turn into boos]
Vanity
Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you! [moons the audience, and an OOPS! bubble appears over the area. Vanity then walks up to her mom and slaps her hard across the face. Vanessa winces in pain]
Maury
Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen.
Some audience members
Yeah! [the rest cheer, then a chant rises from the din] Maury! Maury!
Vanity
Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit. [the audience boos and she holds up her middle fingers, which are blurred] Fuck you, cocksuckuhs!
Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.
Cartman
Jeez, that girl is pissed off.
Stagehand
[enters] Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes. [leaves]
On stage.
Vanessa
[weeping] Why can't you just listen to me and love me [Vanity slaps her] Ow!
Vanity
Shu' up! Shut the fuck [slap] up, you dried-up skank! [slap. Vanessa weeps again]
Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.
Liane
I'm glad you're not like that, poopsie-kins.
Cartman
[under his breath] But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize. [leaves the room and finds the stagehand] Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's wardrobe?
Stagehand
Second door on the right.
Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2".
The Freaks
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
Brothers and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like [shown] Woman with Crablike Body, [shown] Incredibly Obese Black Person, [shown] Man with Brains Outside of Head, and [shown] Liza Minnelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks while they make tens of thousands of dollars.
The Freaks
Yeah!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed! They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows! So we must picket those other guests!
The Freaks
Yeah!
Butters
Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys.
Hammerhead Man
You're not gonna picket?
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
Who's not gonna picket? [the crowd parts and all hands point to Butters]
Disfigured Country Singer
Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket. [lowers his left arm]
Butters
Well it's just that my parents are... I can't picket!
Man with No Limbs
[emerges from the crowd] Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?
Butters
NO I I'm not a scab.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man.
Incredibly Obese Black Man
Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
[looks at Incredibly Black Obese Man, then says flatly] ...Oh, right. My bad.
Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.
Announcer
And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on the Maury Povich show!
Maury
Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it.
Studio Audience
Awww.
Vanessa
Why won't you kids behave? [Vanity stands and smacks her across the face]
Vanity
[shakes her mom around by the neck] Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to you! [slaps her again and sits down]
Maury
So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child?
Liane
Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle.
Maury
Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look. [a video starts up with Cartman dolled up as a slut moving around to hip-hop music]
Cartman
Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Studio Audience
[gasps, then] BOOOO!!
Liane
Oh, he's such a cutie.
Maury
Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman! [steps out from behind the curtain and immediately gives the finger to the audience]
Cartman
Wha'evah! Wha'evah! [walks up to a seat next to his mom's and sits there] Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!
Maury
Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do?
Liane
Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear.
Cartman
[under his breath] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs.
Liane
Oh, I mean, sex and drugs.
Studio Audience
Oooohhh!
Cartman
[hops off his chair and tries the audience] What-evah! What-evah! [snaps his left-hand fingers back and forth] I'll do what I waunt!
Vanity
Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs!
Cartman
Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! [sits back down]
Vanity
What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
Cartman
What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt!
Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2".
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
What do we want?
The Freaks
Better prizes!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
When do we want them?
The Freaks
Now!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
What do we want?
The Freaks
Better prizes!
Butters
[muttering along] Better prizes.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
When do we want them?
The Freaks
Now!
Butters
Never. [approached the Man with Terrible Skin Condition] Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
Napoleon, you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together.
Butters
But I gotta get back to my family.
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
[drops his sign and drops on one knee next to Butters] We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your heart. [back to the freaks] What do we want?
The Freaks
Better prizes!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
When do we want them?
The Freaks
Now!
Butters
Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse. [joins the others in the strike. Several police cruisers pull up and police pour out of them]
Police Captain
Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along.
Man with Foot on Head
Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket.
Police Captain
I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as a union. You'll have to go.
Middle Dwarf
What are you saying? That because of our appearance our organization is less important?
Police Captain
Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people.
Man with Foot on Head
...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the big guns! Prepare the video sabotage!
Butters
Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh.
Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.
Announcer
Who is the most out of controlled child? We're back with Maury.
Maury
We're here, talking with moms who think their children are out of control.
Vanity
What evah!
Cartman
I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury
[walks to the third woman on the panel] Now let's meet Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old.
Studio Audience
Aawwww.
Joline
Mmhmm, that's right Maurih.
Maury
Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! [Chantal crawls out amid audience boos. The camera focuses on her diaper. Chantal reaches Joline, who picks her up and sits her on the chair next to hers] So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You say she flirts with older men? [Chantal plays with her rattle]
Joline
Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked!
Studio Audience
Ooohhh!
Vanity
Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
Cartman
What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury
Wow, that is out of control!
Joline
Why, just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody!
Studio Audience
Boooo! [Chantal drops down and starts wiggling.]
Joline
You see? [Her diaper drops, then her top.] There she goes. There she goes. [Chantal shows her butt to the audience] OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!
The screen behind them sputters and changes. The Maury Povich logo disappears.
Man with Foot on Head
[appearing] Attention Maury viewers.
Maury
What the hell is this? [another image replaces the one of Man with Foot on Head]
Elephant Man
A lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with "freak" freaks, and not just with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from the South. That's what we mean when we say, "Look for the True Freak label" [his image fades to that of the True Freak label]
Butters and the Freaks

[Butters sits atop a True Freak label box and starts off] Look for the True Freak label
[four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show
[a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember somewhere,
[a shot of the audience] our union's growing
[a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed the kids.
[a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house-
We work hard, but who's complaining?
[a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With TFU we're making our way!
[a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label,
[a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.!
[the Maury Povich logo is restored]

Maury
Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway-
Man
They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. Come on, honey. [takes her hand and leads her out. Other audience members begin to grouse and leave]
Maury
[pleading] Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too!
Cartman
[hops off his chair and steps forward] Whatevah! I'll crap in Maury's pants! [more audience members leave]
Cameraman
Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet.
Maury
Ah, those damned freaks! [throws his microphone against the back wall and heads for the exit]
Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps out. The freaks stop and wait.
Maury
I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you repay me?! [the freaks simply look back at him] Very well. Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate! [goes in and slams the door shut. A few seconds later the freaks cheer their victory]
Man with Foot on Head
We did it! The strike worked!
Man with Terrible Skin Condition
Now we can go on with our careers!
Butters
Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home. [drops his sign and moves off. An angry Cartman catches up to him]
Cartman
Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time! [rips the balls off Butters' chin. The freaks react immediately and fall silent]
Butters
Oh. Double hamburgers.
Man with Foot on Head
Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off!
Incredibly Obese Black Man
Get him!
Cartman
Aaahh! [three freaks trail behind with a boiling pot of water]
Incredibly Obese Black Man
Get him! Get him! [the freaks charge at Cartman, who runs off in fear]
Butters
Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this time. [a taxicab pulls up and screeches to a halt]
Stephen
[quickly exits the cab with Linda] Butters!
Butters
[anticipating] Oh I know.
End of Freak Strike


  601: "Freak Strike" edit
Story Elements

Maury PovichVanityChantalTrue Freaks Union

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Sixth Season