Fat Camp/Script

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"Pip/Script"

"Fat Camp/Script"

"The Wacky Molestation Adventure/Script"

The official script for "Fat Camp" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Kenny McCormick
• Eric Cartman
• Wendy Testaburger
• Bebe Stevens
• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Tolkien Black
• Liane Cartman
• Ms. Choksondik
• Mr. Mackey
• Mr. Garrison
• Principal Victoria
• Fat kids, including Horace Sanders, Chad, and Alice
• Camp Counselors Rick and Susan
• James Taylor
• Howard Stern and Johnny Knoxville
• Ms. Crabtree
• Dr. Doctor
• Druggie/Cartman Impostor/Kenny Impostor
• Jesus Christ
• Terrance and Phillip
• Chef
• Tom Green
• Mr. Sanders
• Mrs. Sanders

Script

Fat Camp
	South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms. Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.
Ms. Choksondik	Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today we are going to continue our biology lesson... dissecting an organism.
Class	Yeah! [There are new seating arrangements to note: Wendy now sits to Stan's left. Timmy sits in the back of the class. Pip sits behind Kenny. Two students not seen before join the class]
Bebe, New Kid	Woohoo.
Ms. Choksondik	[walks off] Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian manatee. [return with a large dolly stacked with manatee corpses. Stan and Kyle glance at each other] Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns of the sea.
Wendy	Uhh, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?
Ms. Choksondik	They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them. [pushes the dolly towards the class and hands the manatees out] Now, we don't have quite enough [one goes to Butters] manatees to go around, so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four. [Stan and Annie get manatees]
Butters	Hey! Ours is still alive!
Ms. Choksondik	[walks up and looks] Oh, hold on. [walks away. The manatee raises its head. Ms. Choksondik returns with a brick and brings it down hard on the manatee's head twice, killing it and exposing its brain. Butters is stunned. Ms. Choksondik returns to the front of the class] Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen.
Stan	[holding his knife] I can't do it, dude.
Kyle	Aw, don't be such a baby! [takes the knife, blinks, then offers it to Kenny] You do it, Kenny.
Kenny	(Nuh uh!)
Kyle	Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!
Kenny	(FIVE BUCKS???) [grabs the knife and starts cutting away]
Stan	Too bad Cartman's missing this. He must be really sick.
	The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV. Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into the chest
Phillip	Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved since the murder. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.
Terrance	I don't see anything.
Phillip	Look closer. [Terrance looks closer] Closer. [Terrance bends down further. Phillip holds Terrance's head down] Hunh-nh.
Terrance	I still don't see anything, Phillip.
Phillip	Waitwait. Hunh.
Cartman	I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's gonna happen?
Phillip	[grunts softly] Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic evidence is right around here. [grunts long, farts, and cackles. The camera pulls back to reveal Terrance standing on a stool. Phillip looks to see Terrance ready to fart on him. Terrance lets loose...] Ah! [...and Phillip is blown into a nearby wall, then falls on his side] Af!
Terrance	AAHahahahahahaaa!
Cartman	Whoa! That totally surprised me! [his mom looks at him] I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh.
Liane	Eh yes, sweetie.
Cartman	[sweetly] Mom, can you go make me a toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter ball? [grins]
Liane	Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself? [his grin vanishes] Mommy's [looks away] expecting [looks back] some company.
Cartman	God, I have to do everything around here!
	The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes his way out of the kitchen.
	The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself
Cartman	I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the- [blinks and looks up. In the living room now with his mom are Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Dr. Doctor.] What the hell's going on?
Liane	Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with you.
Mr. Mackey	Eric, your friends and your family are all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?
Cartman	[incredulous] What?!
Dr. Doctor	We believe that you might have a problem.
Cartman	You're God-damn right I have a problem! Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?!
Mr. Garrison	It's called intervention, Eric.
Liane	Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a weight-management retreat.
Cartman	Fat camp?
Dr. Doctor	Yes, fat camp.
Cartman	Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, [grabs his creation and drops the plate on the floor] but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!
Mr. Mackey	Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison	Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.
Cartman	[pleading] Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your family was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!
Liane	Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat. [Cartman is stunned. A piece of Pop Toasties falls on the floor]
	South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs is now on the blackboard.
Ms. Choksondik	And now we will be removing the spleen. Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a qu-
Principal Victoria	[opens the door and peeks in] Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick word with you?
Ms. Choksondik	[puts down the pointer and goes towards the door] Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, children. I'll be right back. [opens the door and exits.]
Kyle	[working on his manatee] Aw, dude, check this out. [pulls out the spleen with some scissors]
Stan	[off-screen] That's so gross.
Kyle	Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?
Kenny	(I'm not eatin' that!)
Kyle	I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
Stan	I'll throw in five.
	South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks to Ms. Choksondik there.
Principal Victoria	And so apparently there's been a little mixup. The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the frogs were meant to come here.
Ms. Choksondik	Oh dear.
	South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the kitty...
Butters	I'll throw in a dollar!
Bebe	I've got three.
Kyle	Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!
Stan	[off-screen, enticing] Forty-one bucks. [Kenny jumps up and starts eating it. The others groan and moan] Eww-ho-hoo! He did it!
Ms. Choksondik	[returns to the front of the class] Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats. Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together. [the kids blink with surprise]
	A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called "Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center." The Cartman station wagon drives into the camp
Liane	...And it has basketball courts and tennis courts, and you can call Mommy any time you want. [Cartman has been looking away all this time. She looks at him] Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad. I'm sure you're going to have a good time. And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin. [the station wagon pulls up to the Hopeful Hills REGISTRATION building]
Male Counselor	Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here. This must be Eric Cartman.
Liane	Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
Male Counselor	Oh, we'll change that. [bends down next to the passenger window] Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Cartman	Well, I'm pissed off, Rick! How are you?
Rick	I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get you oriented. [stands up and Cartman exits the car] I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.
Liane	Oh. [bows and opens her arms to hug Cartman] Well, goodbye, sweetie.
Cartman	[darkly] Don't touch me! [moves away a bit]
Rick	Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at each other.
Brunette	[to Cartman's right] Have you got any candy?
Cartman	No.
Taller Boy	[to Cartman's left] My mom says I ain't to eat no candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
Rick	[walks up to the group enthusiastically] Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business! Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is [jumps] fun, right gang?
Taller Boy	Right.
Rick	Wait a second. [holds his right hand to his ear] Do you kids hear something? [drops his hand] I could've swore that-
Pink Monster	Raaarrrr!!! [a woman in costume]
Rick	Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!
Pink Monster	I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow! [starts hopping around]
Rick	Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise! [holds up an EXERCISE paddle, strikes the monster on the head with it, and tosses it away] And... Proper Diet. [does the same with a PROPER DIET paddle]
Pink Monster	Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me. [falls over on her side]
Rick	I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we kids?
Taller Boy	Yeah! [Cartman glares at him]
Rick	Well, hold on a second. Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend, Susan, [she pops out of the costume] who's another weight counselor! [she jumps out in front of the costume and exults]
Taller Boy	Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
Cartman	[miffed] Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?!
	South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.
Kyle	[walks up with Butters] What's the matter?
Stan	Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made him sick. [Clyde and Tolkien come in from the right, Wendy and Bebe come in from the left. Stan comforts Kenny.]
Kyle	Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it. [Stan jumps back as Kenny starts vomiting the spleen up. Stan and Kyle watch in shock]
Kids	Eewww.
Stan	Well, at least you got it out of your system.
Kyle	Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! [Butters looks at him] How much, Kenny?
Kenny	(WHAT?!)
Kyle	I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.
Butters	Huh-I'm in for five!
Stan	Oh, you guys!
Clyde	I've got three.
Tolkien	Six!
Butters	Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos. [Kenny takes it and opens it up, then bends to scoop the vomit up into the thermos]
Kyle	That's 19 bucks, Kenny! [more kids gather]
Kenny	(Ungh.) [goes ahead and eats his vomit]
Kids around Kenny	AAAAA!
Kids around Timmy	Waugh.
Kyle	Kick ass, dude!
Stan	You know, dude, there might be something to this.
Kyle	Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff.
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging. They stop
Rick	Doing great kids! Come on! [they resume jogging and the fat kids lumber to the top of the hill panting behind them. Cartman stops and droops]
Cartman	[resumes jogging] This... is... bullcrap!
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall, after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids
Rick	Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How about you, gang?
Cartman	[in withdrawal] I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to die here.
Susan	[cheerfully arrives with a loaded plate] I hope you all left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody! [serves a plate of the stuff to everyone there, starting with Cartman's table]
Brunet Boy	[to Cartman's left] Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
Cartman	[shoves his plate to the boy] Take it! I can't eat this crap!
Blonde Girl	[to Cartman's right] Me neither. I have to have sugar or I'm going to die.
Cartman	[to the girl] Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.
Brunet Boy	I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?
Cartman	Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin
Cartman	Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free. [sees the entrance and races for it. He exits and races through the meadow until he reaches a road.] We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor moms and friends, or do we start a new life on the run? [an ice cream truck approaches him] An ice cream truck! Hey wait! [races up to the truck. The driver exits the cab] Boy, am I glad to see you!
Driver	Can I interest you in some ice cream?
Cartman	You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!
Driver	[goes to the back of the truck, opens the doors, and pulls out one pop.] Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind? [points to the inside of the truck. Cartman looks]
Cartman	Hunh? [is lifted up] Uuh! [and tossed into the truck. The doors are closed behind him, and he looks up. Before him sit four other kids who have tried to escape]
Boy 1	[on bench at left] They tricked us again, huh?
Cartman	[stands up] Aw, God-damnit! [turns] LET ME OUT OF HMYA! [pounds on the back doors]
Driver	Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time. [drives into camp]
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later. The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return to their bunks
Boy 1	They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand. But they always fool us.
Taller Boy	Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of money for some candy. [Rick and Susan pop into the campers' cabin.]
Rick	Hey kids!
Susan	Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight.
Rick	Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it. And you have to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave.
Susan	[bends forward sweetly a bit and cocks her head to the left] There is no escape.
Rick	So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets, and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE WEIGHT!
Eric	[pissed off] Aw, damnit!
	South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of the Broflovski parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March, Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.
Gerald	That's what being young is all about.
Mr. Garrison	[at the same time] But that's not the question.
Liane	Thanks for coming, everybody.
Mr. Mackey	Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? Is Eric having trouble at his weight-management camp?
Stan	We knew he wouldn't make it.
Liane	Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed up and surprised me last night. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you... the new Eric Cartman. [steps to one side as Cartman enters]
New Cartman	Hey, dudes!
Kyle	Whoa! [the others look stunned]
Stan	I don't believe it.
Liane	Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp. [everyone gathers round Cartman]
Mr. Mackey	Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!
Principal Victoria	Congratulations. How do you feel?
New Cartman	I feel awesome!
Kyle	What did they do with all the fat? There must have been enough to last an Eskimo family months.
New Cartman	You know, Kyle? There was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me. But now I'm totally slim and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm [leans a bit to eye Kyle's belly] a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy! [stands erect] Heh heh. Just kidding, Kyle.
Liane	I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who wants some?
Cartman	Memememeee! [the group heads for the kitchen while Stan and Kyle stay behind]
Kyle	Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan	Did you like the old one?
Kyle	Good point.
	Jesus and Pals
Announcer	And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access.
Jesus	[with the new Cartman] Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea. You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.
New Cartman	No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works.
Jesus	A little boy who overcame the odds. Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! [the studio audience applauds] Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick, who is going to eat dog crap. Kenny? [Kenny enters with Stan, Kyle, and a dog. Music begins as a spotlight falls on Kenny. The dog turns his ass to Kenny and craps. A musical riff plays as Kenny picks the crap up and the audience groans with disgust. Some of them cover their eyes. Kenny lifts the crap dramatically into the air a wailing female joins the music. Another riff plays as Kenny swallows the crap. A small pedestal appears under him and pushes him up and around. The audience groans some more, Kenny finishes off the crap, and the audience beings to cheer. The new Cartman is pissed]
New Cartman	God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!
Jesus	[hesitant] Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
Kenny	[gracious] (Sure!)
Man 1	Do it again!
Man 2	Do it again!
Man 3	Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
New Cartman	This is ridiculous! [picks at his eye]
Jesus	So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had this... talent?
Stan	We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.
Jesus	I can't say I approve of this, my children.
Kyle	[he and Stan look at Jesus for a moment] Huh? Why not?
Jesus	Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could do. For money. He's a prostitute.
Man 4	I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.
Man 5	Yeah!
Man 6	Yeah! Go for it!
Stan	[to Kyle] What's a prostitute?
Kyle	I don't know.
	South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Craig, Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive for their lunches.
Chef	[behind the sneeze guard, as usual] Hello there, children!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny	Hey, Chef.
Stan	Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef	[ponders, then displeased] Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rimjob, Chef?" [the boys blink. Stan and Kyle look at each other] For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"!
Stan	Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Chef	[pleased] It sure is! Thank you.
Stan	Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef	Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.
New Cartman	[joins the other boys] Lunchtime! I'm starved!
Chef	Oh my God. Eric?
New Cartman	That's me.
Stan	Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.
Chef	Why do you need to know what a prostitute is anyway?!
Stan	Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?
Kenny	(Yeah. Am I?)
Chef	Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute.
Kyle	Why?
Chef	Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who... you could pay for certain services.
Stan	Like what?
Chef	Like keeping you company. Understand?
Stan	No.
Chef	You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman. But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just wants to talk and talk and talk and talk. [begins singing] But a prostitute is someone who would love you No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, children. [the new Cartman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Annie, Tolkien, Clyde, Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen] That's not why you pay a prostitute, no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards. [Principal Victoria arrives and listens] That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor.
James Taylor	[enters next to Chef playing a guitar] A prostitute is like any other woman They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well. [the new Cartman goes into the supply room and starts packing donuts into his backpack]
Chef	And that's why I say-
Chef and James Taylor	Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-
Chef	Oohhhh [they stop when they see Principal Victoria, who has crossed her arms in anger] ...James Taylor, what the hell are you doin' in here?! Singing' about prostitutes to the children! Get out of here! [James leaves, but Principal Victoria is not satisfied.] ...These children tricked me!
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night. After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman sneaks out and rides a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance, and approaches the gate
New Cartman	[a shadow falls on him] Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.
Cartman	Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
New Cartman	Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.
Cartman	Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
New Cartman	Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
Cartman	What?!
New Cartman	I'm the one risking my ass, running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!
Cartman	Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.
New Cartman	Twenty.
Cartman	[soft gasp] Suck my balls, 20!
New Cartman	Fine! Then I shall bid you good day! [turns aside to get his bike]
Cartman	Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just remember that your parents think that you're in the drug rehab center next door! You blow your cover and we're both screwed! [the new Cartman looks trapped]
	The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place
Student 1	[bursts through the door] You guys! You have to check this tape out!
Student 2	[on the sofa] Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow.
Student 1	No, dude, check this out! It's a video: this kid, he does all kinds of crazy stuff. [pops the video into the VCR and turns on the TV] Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction site and stayed there for four days! [the screen shows Kenny standing in a pool of poo under the toilet and looking at the camera]
Other Students	Whoa! [the screen shows a construction worker heading for the Porto-Potty. He enters and sits on the toilet, and a long log of poo descends from his nether regions]
Kenny	[the poo lands square on his face] (Ow.)
Student 1	Oh, gro-hoss
Student 3	Sick!
Student 2	That's awesome! [rushes out to the hall and hollers] Hey guys! Check this out!
	The Krazy Kenny Show, live
Announcer	[graphics come up animated, with letters exploding behind the show's logo] Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show! [four spotlights roam the stage] And now here's your host, the kid who will do anything to himself for money, Krrrra—a--a-a-azy Kenny! [Kenny appears and goes to the center of the stage, The spotlights converge on him as music reaches climax] Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers and ...wash your hair with battery acid. The question in all our minds is, who-haht are you gonna do next? [the audience cheers]
Kenny	(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body sensual massage.)
Announcer	Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!
Man 1	Oho! Yeah!
Man 2	Woohoo!
	Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a bottle of massage oil and begins massaging him
Audience	Awww! Awgh!
Stan	Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
New Cartman	This is so juvenile. [bites a licorice stick. He has a box of donuts on his lap, and he and Kyle have licorice sticks]
Kyle	Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you? [takes a donut]
Stan	Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?
New Cartman	Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to- take home?
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night. Rick is in the campers' cabin
Rick	Alright campers, good work today. Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet. [opens the door, exits, and closes the door]
Susan	[waiting] All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
Rick	I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight.
Susan	We'll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!
Rick	They'll do it.
Susan	They'll do it!! [the counselors leave. Inside the cabin Cartman looks out the window, watching them leave]
Cartman	[turns around] Alright, they're gone! [walks to his bed and pulls out a suitcase from underneath] The Cartman store is open! [the other kids leave their bunks and head for Cartman]
Blonde Girl	[first in line, hands him some money] Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.
Cartman	[quickly as he hands the goods over] Two donuts and a pack of licorice. [she walks away,and a big, tall boy is next] Well, Tony, the usual? [Tony, with squinty eyes, blinks and Cartman gives him the usual. Tony walks away. Another boy walks up, crying] Why are you crying, Chad?
Chad	[sobbing] 'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right in front of me like this. [sobs some more. Cartman moves away a bit] All my life I've been fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight. I want to, but I can't help myself. [breaks down]
Cartman	[comforts Chad] Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need? You need a friend.
Chad	[wipes away his tears] I'd, I do?
Cartman	Yes. [dangles a chocolate in front of him] A chocolate friend. [Chad begins to howl] Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. [opens the wrapper to expose the aroma and tempts him] Look at how yummy and sweet he is. [Chad, still sobbing, takes the candy bar and starts eating. Cartman bides his time] ...There you go. That'll just be four dollars. [Chad hands him the money and finishes the candy bar. Cartman just watches] ...There you go.
	A Krazy Kenny Show promo
Announcer	This week on Pay Per View [a yellow starburst appears with "PAY PER VIEW" on it, then another starburst with Kenny standing behind Ms. Crabtree], Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus and [a shot of Kenny inside the uterus] stay there for six hours. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!
	The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio, with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are posters, one of which is of Elton John. Two loves dolls are in the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern
Howard Stern	Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy Kenny.
Tom Green	Hey, Howard.
Howard Stern	Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View special this week, where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hours.
Johnny Knoxville	[stammering] Wow!
Howard Stern	Now, some people that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give me oral sex right now.
Tom Green	I'm in.
Johnny Knoxville	Me too.
Kenny	(And me!)
Howard Stern	Oh.
Tom Green	Fine! I'll do it for 40!
Johnny Knoxville	30.
Tom Green	[points at Johnny] 20!
Kenny	(...Ten bucks!)
Howard Stern	Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.
Tom Green	Damnit. I'm out.
Johnny Knoxville	Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
Howard Stern	Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...
Rick	And we're gonna reach for the sky... [has arms high above his head]
Campers	[follow through] Woo-aagh.
Rick	And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
Campers	[follow through] Woo-ugh.
Rick	And up to the sky... [arms high above his head]
Campers	[follow through] Woo-aagh. [Cartman and the camper to his right perform a quick transaction - Cartman hands him a pastry for a few bucks.]
Rick..	And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
Campers	[follow through] Woo-ugh. [a couple enters the yard with their son, the taller camper Cartman got annoyed with early on. Susan catches up]
Susan	Please, Mr. Sanders. [Rick rises quickly]
Mr. Sanders	No! I have had it!
Rick	What's happening?
Susan	Horace's parents want to take him home.
Rick	Oh! But he's not ready yet.
Mr. Sanders	Look at what you've done to my boy! You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet, he could be thin! When we told you it was his genetics!
Rick	They can lose the weight if they try.
Mr. Sanders	Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner! [a shot of the campers] Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!
Susan	Please, sir, if you give us one more week,...
Mr. Sanders	Your time is up!
Mrs. Sanders	Yeah, your time is up!
Mr. Sanders	And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell them to come claim their kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of time!
Horace	But, Dad, I...
Mr. Sanders	What?! [Horace looks at Cartman, who look back concerned]
Horace	...Nothin'. [he and his parents turn right and walk away]
Susan	We're in trouble, Rick.
	South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Tolkien, Clyde, Butters, and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test, with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by small curtains.
Kyle	Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?
Ms. Crabtree	HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
Kyle	Six hours.
Ms. Crabtree	HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!
Kyle	Great.
Stan	[enters and runs to the stage] You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!
Kyle	For what?
Stan	For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
Butters	Who-what's a hummer??
Stan	I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!
Kyle	Three months?! But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!
Stan	I know! [Kyle gets an idea. He and Stan descend the steps to talk to the new Cartman, who stands nearby]
Kyle	[sits next to the new Cartman. Stan sits by Kyle's other side] He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
New Cartman	You know, maybe we've all learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame. [Kyle looks at him with suspicious anger]
Kyle	...Alright, that does it! [rises and backs up a bit] This has been bothering the hell out of me! [reaches for the new Cartman's cap and pulls it off, revealing a puffy head of hair. Stan registers shock] I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!
New Cartman	Uh oh.
	The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives
Announcer	Well, we've seen him do just about every disgusting thing in the book, and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours! [the audience jumps and applauds] Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
Ms. Crabtree	I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to my coot since I was 16!
Audience	[jumping, cheering] Hooray!
Announcer	Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him as the-
	The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman, now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.
Kyle	Don't worry, dude. You're gonna do great.
New Kenny	[pulls the hood off his face] No way! I'm not doing this!
Kyle	Oh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!
New Kenny	But this isn't fair!
Stan	[walks up and puts the hood back on the new Kenny] Deal, druggie!
New Kenny	(But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there!)
	The Krazy Kenny Show, later
Announcer	And here he is, Kenny McCormick! [Kenny enters, waves to the audience as it cheers, and walks towards Ms. Crabtree. Kenny parts the little curtains and the audience quiets down. The audience reacts as Kenny climbs into the uterus] We can watch him on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny? [four monitors frame the stage prop behind Ms. Crabtree. Above her is a digital timer. Inside the womb, Kenny holds his right thumb up]
Carol	That's my boy! [Stuart smiles]
	Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day. The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are fat, too.
Rick	Good-bye, Chad.
Chad's Dad	We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
Rick	Naturally.
Susan	Good-bye, Alice.
Alice	Good-bye. Thank you.
Rick	Oh, don't thank us. We failed you.
Cartman	[off to one side] ...65, 66, 67... [counting the dollars he's collected during his stay]
Chad	[at the back door of the car, turns around] Wait a second! This isn't right! [other campers and their parents stop] It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!
Cartman	[through gritted teeth] Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!
Horace	No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good job. We've just been cheating.
Other campers	Yeah.
Horace	I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna make excuses no more.
Girl	Me neither.
Other campers	Yeah. [newly overjoyed, Rick and Susan grin and look at each other]
Horace	If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.
Rick	Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
Mr. Sanders	Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're all done you can teach me a thing or two, huh son? [rubs his son's hair; Horace looks up and grins at him]
Cartman	You know? You guys are right. I'm sick of being the fat kid, too. I've been making excuses all my life. But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard, and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight! [grins hopefully]
Susan	Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.
Campers	Yeah.
Cartman	What?!
Rick	Bubbye. [turns around and walks into the registration building with Susan. The rest of the campers follow them in.]
Cartman	Well, screw you, fatasses! [begins sobbing, and pulls out a donut from his pocket. He eats at it between sobs.]
	The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...
Audience	Four, three, two, one!
Announcer	He did it! Come on out, Kenny! [nothing happens] You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there. [nothing] Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push. [Ms. Crabtree breathes in and pushes down. The new Kenny comes out of the uterus and slides down the steps of the stage]
Audience	OOOOHHHHHH!
Dr. Doctor	He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.
Ms. Crabtree	I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
Stan	[pointing] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort of.
Kyle	Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s look-alike. You bastards!
Announcer	Well, he gave his life for our amusement. One little boy who dared to be different. Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick. [Ms. Crabtree pushes down and another boy, wearing glasses, descends] Who was that?
End of Fat Camp