Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!/Script

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The official script for "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Liane Cartman
• Grandma Cartman
• Grandpa Harold Cartman
• Uncle Stinky
• Jimmy, the fat bulldog
• Great-Grandma Florence Cartman
• Elvin Cartman
• Uncle Howard Cartman
• Unnamed Cartman's aunt
• Charles Manson
• Sharon Marsh
• Randy Marsh
• Shelly Marsh
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Carol McCormick
• Stuart McCormick
• Mall Hankey
• Police, with Chief Stevens
• Officer Bob
• Reporter Robert Pooner

Script

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!
	The Marsh house. The family is in the living room.
Sharon	The answer is "no", Stanley!
Stan	But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's Grandma's for the weekend!
Sharon	I'm sorry, Stanley, I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays.
Stan	But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
Sharon	I'll leave it up to your father.
Randy	[shrugs] Eh, it's fine with me.
Sharon	[ignoring him] The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!
Stan	I don't want your lame-ass supper!
Shelly	Ew! You're gonna get it now.
Sharon	[pointing to her right] Go to your room, Stanley! Right now! [Randy's angry now. Stan walks to his room and shuts the door]
Stan	[retrieving a backpack from his closet] Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight years old! [goes to his window, opens it, and stands on the sill] I don't need this stupid family anyway! [drops to the ground outside and leaves]
	Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing them off.
Sheila	It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
Liane	Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends.
Cartman	[to Kyle] Every time I go to my Grandma's house, she gives me a present. You watch: as soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me a big present, for no reason, except that I'm cool.
Kyle	That's nice, Cartman.
Stuart	[on bended knee, to Kenny] Now, remember, if they have left-over turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?
Kenny	(Okay.)
Stan	[walking up] Okay, let's go!
Cartman	Oh, I didn't think you were coming, Stan.
Stan	'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!
Sheila	[Kyle walks away] Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!
Stuart	[waving to Kenny] See you in a couple of days, son.
Cartman	[rushing past Kyle, who joins Stan on the back seat] Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: shotgun! [opens the door, only to find Kenny already there. They look at each other] Kenny, I called it shotgun! [Kenny stares back] Dammit, Kenny, get in the back! [Kenny moves not. Cartman points to the right] Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there. [no movement. Cartman points to the road] Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade! [Kenny is not moved. Cartman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar] Ken-ny. Kenny, look. Look! Go get it! [throws the bill away], Go get it! [Kenny hops out and Cartman jumps in] ha ha ha, you poor piece of crap. [Kenny gets the bill and hops into the back seat. Lo and behold, there is an elephant parade, with clowns and jugglers and... Liane drives off]
Stan	So, how far is it to Nebraska?
Liane	Around six hours.
Kyle	Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Liane	Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.
Stan	Yeah. Or, we could not.
Cartman	Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. How does it go?
Liane	Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
	4 HOURS LATER.
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Kyle	Please stop.
Liane and Cartman	Through white and drifted snow
Kyle	[insistent] Please stop!
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go
Cartman	[Kyle angrily kicks him into the dashboard] Argh!
Liane	Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
Cartman	[rubbing his nose] I guess, damn! [some traffic is seen]
Liane	Here we go, kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska. [Stan and Kyle go to Kenny's window to check it out. The first sign they see says, "Now leaving Colorful Colorado," on a mountain background with rainbow. The scenery changes abruptly from snow-covered mountains to fields of wheat. Once they pass the state line they see "You are now in NEBRASKA. ...Sorry." Nothing is seen on the horizon]
Stan	This is Nebraska?
Kyle	What's all that stuff?
Liane	Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods, and, Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity. You see, when Nebraska first became--
Cartman	We don't care, Mom.
Kyle	Hey, look! [enunciating a billboard] See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska... Wow! We have to go, dude!
Stan	[now seated] Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?
Kyle	[now seated] I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous.
Cartman	Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey! He's a piece of crap.
Kyle	It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to meet me!
Liane	That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's Grandma is right near the mall.
Kyle	Cool!
Cartman	How much further is it to Grandma's house? I wanna see what kind of present she got me.
Liane	About another hour, hon.
Cartman	Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so [angrily] I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present?!
Liane	Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
Liane and Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman	To Grandmother's house we go
Kyle	Oh, God! [Stan is dejected]
Liane and Cartman	The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
	Later... Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard approaching.
Cartman	Over the meadow and through the woods...
Liane	[stops the car] Here we are. [the boys pour out]
Kyle	Jesus Christ, finally!
Cartman	[runs to the front door] Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma! [knocks, rubs his hands together, and an elderly man opens the door. The boys come up behind Cartman]
Man	Oh, it's little Eric!
Cartman	Hi, Grandpa!
Grandpa	Look at how big you've gotten!
Grandma	Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
Cartman	Sweet. What is it?
Grandma	It's inside.
Cartman	Yes! Move it! [shoves Grandma off the porch. She screams on the way down]
Liane	[now inside with the boys] Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!
Everyone	[seven people] Hello!
Liane	These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family. This is Uncle Stinky.
Uncle Stinky	[brown curly hair, goatee, Fu Manchu mustache] Nice to have you heuh.
Liane	Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra [not shown], Fat Bob, Jimmy [bulldog], and great-grandma Florence. [with walker]
Florence	[Kyle recoils as she approaches the boys] Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies. [grabs Kyle and lifts him up]
Kyle	Agghh!
Liane	No, no, Florence, that's not Eric.
Florence	[releases Kyle] Oh, which one is he, then?
Stan	[pointing] He's the fat one.
Grandma	He's not fat, he's big-boned.
Cartman	[in sync] I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.
Kyle	[to Stan] That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Stan	Sick, dude.
Cartman	Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, shall we?
Grandma	Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays! [He gleefully rips it open]
Cartman	[not pleased] Wait a minute. This isn't a present, it's a shirt! [lifts it out]
Grandma	Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.
Cartman	[really upset] Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!
	The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is at the foot of the table, on its own chair.
Grandpa	Well, this is what the holidays are about. Family.
Stan	[dissenting] Yeah, right!
Grandpa	Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?
Stan	My family's dead! [Uncle Stinky, a baby, and Aunt Lisa gasp.]
Liane	[turns to him, hand to lips] Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
Kyle	Dude, your family died?
Stan	They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
Kyle	What?!
Cartman	I can't believe I got a stupid shirt! [he didn't have to wear it...] The holidays are bullcrap!
Liane	Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag during dinner? [places it in front of him]
Kyle	What is this??
Liane	[in his ear] Great-grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.
Kyle	[eyes shut] Sick, dude!
Liane	[now seated] Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little cousin Elvin?
Cartman	[flatly] Hi, cousin Elvin.
Elvin	[the baby, sucking on a Fudgecicle] Sweet.
Grandpa	[tapping knife on wine glass] Well, it certainly is nice we could all gather heuh for the holidays. Even Uncle Howard has joined us live via satellite from the state penitentiary. [the TV screen shows Uncle Howard at his own table, with a small meal]
Kyle	Whoa, dude! [Stan is surprised]
Grandma	You look good, Howard.
Howard	No I don't!
Liane	Hi, Howard.
Stan	[to Cartman] Dude, is he here every year like this?
Cartman	Yup!
Elvin	[tosses his Fudgecicle at the TV, and it slides down the screen] Sweet.
Kyle	[Great-Grandma urinates into the bag. He grimaces] Aaww!
Howard	Come on, let's eat already! They gave me extra bread and water!
Grandma	Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't even said grace yet. Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?
Florence	God-damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace? If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like, "Eh! I'm not saying grace! And if you ask me again, I'll kick you square [jabs the fork in the air] in the nuts!"
Cartman	Amen. [his feelings exactly]
All	Ah-men. [all dig into the food. Bits and pieces being to fly everywhere]
Kyle	[watching the mess] Jesus, dude! [Kenny stuffs his food into a paper bag, and Jimmy growls longingly]
Grandpa	No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie! [Jimmy growls] No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!
Cartman	Bad Jimmy!
Grandma	No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie! [Stan and Kyle stare in awe. Jimmy growls, and a hail of "No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!"s descends on him]
Stan	Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here.
Kyle	I know what you mean. [Kenny packs the last of his meal away]
	Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.
Kyle	[jumps up] Arrggh! [Stan wakes up]
Stan	What, dude? [Cartman wakes up]
Kyle	Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house, and it was filled with Cartmans!
Stan	Kyle, we are in a house filled with Cartmans.
Kyle	Oh. Arrggh! [thump. Kenny's awake. More sounds, of breaking glass.]
Stan	What was that?
Kyle	I heard it, too.
Cartman	Whatever it is, it's getting closer. [Stan pinches him] Ow! What the hell was that for!
Stan	I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming. [Kyle walks behind Stan and punches Cartman]
Cartman	Ow!
Kyle	[moving back to his sleeping bag] I wanted to make sure, too.
Cartman	Yuhwell, you're not dreaming! [Kenny flies at him with a punch] Ey! Cut the crap!
Kyle	Dude, it's coming through the window! [the window flies open and light streams in. A fat figure jumps in and the kids scream. Cartman goes for the light switch and the light goes on. A surprised prison escapee is what he sees]
Cartman	Uncle Howard!
Uncle Howard	Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here.
Cartman	Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!
Stan	We thought you were in jail.
Howard	Yeah, well I'b I busted out. [shows off the broken cuff chain]
Cartman	Wow, cool!
Howard	Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Cartman	Okay.
Howard	If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids.
Cartman	Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? Hahahaha.
Howard	[turning to the window] Come on up, it's okay. [another man pops up and makes his was in] Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry, he's a good guy.
Inmate	[turns around] Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson. [the boys express some shock, but then fall silent]
	The next day. Manson looks out the window.
Manson	I can't wait to get out among the pigs [turns to Howard] and raise some hell.
Howard	All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a while.
Manson	When I stand up on the mountain and say, "Do it!", it gets done! And it it don't get done, then I'll move on it! And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.
Howard	All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV or something. [Manson sits before the TV and turns it on.]
Announcer	Now back to, "It's A Wonderful Life".
George Bailey	You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you are? You're a little bitch. [Potter looks up] That's right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?
Stan	[snaps his fingers] Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get to the mall.
Cartman	[waking] What?
Kyle	We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall, Cartman.
Cartman	[putting his coat on over his BEEFCAKE muscle shirt] All right, keeps your pants on.
Howard	Hey, bring us down some food, all right?
Cartman	[follows the boys up the stairs] Okay. [puts on his cap]
	The living room. Football is on.
Stinky	[eating popcorn] Come on, Team!
Cartman	Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Announcer	Touchdown!
The Adults	Yeah!
Cartman	[insistent] Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody please take us?
Announcer	And these Cornhuskers have the ball on the 50-yard line!
Cartman	[pops up in front of Stinky] Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?
Stinky	Not now, Eric. [notices a play] Hold him! He has him! Where's the flag?!
Cartman	Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take us!
Stinky	I said "no," and I mean "no!" Respect my authorituh!
Cartman	[leaves grumbling] Damn his Goddamned authorituh!
Announcer	With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-
	SPECIAL REPORT.
Reporter	We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
Stinky	What?!
Reporter	["NEBRASKA NEWS"] Mass murderer and extremely nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison! Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late '60's. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fucking face in for me, and then call the police. And now back to the game.
Announcer	And they've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds! [NEB 23, ARK 16]
The Adults	Oh, weak!
Grandma	[the boys walk past her] Eric, I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while.
Cartman	I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
Grandma	Won't yo do it for Grandma?
Cartman	All right. Give me $10. [she reaches into her purse and gives it to him]
Elvin	[licking another Fudgecicle] Kick ass!
	The basement. Manson is still watching the TV.
George Bailey	Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!
Howard	Chuck, can you turn that thing down?
George Bailey	Hello, movie house! ["Gone With The Wind" is playing there] Hello, burger parlor!
Manson	You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie, from the lyin' pigs that consider me the witness-!
Howard	Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!
Cartman	[coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
Kyle	Yeah, they do!
Stan	All families suck ass!
Cartman	Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon buns. [hands the bag to Howard]
Howard	[digging in] Wow, sweet!
Manson	Heyyy!
Kyle	Dude, we have to get to the mall!!
Elvin	You guys, seriously!
Howard	What's the matter?
Cartman	My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us.
Howard	Oh, bummer.
Manson	I'll take you! [a heavy note sounds]
Howard	Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials.
Manson	Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement! I want some action!
Kyle	Good for you, Charlie!
Manson	[to Cartman] Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's car!
Stan	Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Cartman	Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people. [walks away]
	Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon.
Manson	All right, boys, keep your heads down! [they get into the wagon, Manson hot-wires it, and steps on the gas] We're goin' to the mall!
Boys	Hooray!
	South Park, the Marsh house.
Sharon	I just can't believe he would go without our permission!
Randy	Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmother's. Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.
Sharon	Well, I hope for his sake you're right. [calls Liane]
Liane	Hello?
Sharon	Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?
Liane	Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were dead, Sharon.
Sharon	Wwhat?!
Liane	Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.
Sharon	[irate. Shelly is now present] Get the car, Randy! We're going to Nebraska!
Shelly	Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!
	Mall of Nebraska.
Kyle	[jumping up and down to get a better look] Do you see him?
Stan	Not yet. I think we still have a ways to go.
Kyle	I can't wait to see him! [a kid looks back] He's gonna be so glad we came!
Kid	I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
Kyle	That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
Cartman	How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
Elvin	Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
Cartman	And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
Kyle	So?!
Cartman	So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
Kyle	Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
Manson	[to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny	(Okay) [they walk off]
Stan	I really like that guy.
Cartman	Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin. [Elvin looks at his hands and sees nothing to lick, then begins to cry] God damnit, be quiet, Elvin! Shut up, Elvin! [grabs a stick and whacks him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink] No, Elvin, bad Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
	Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are looking around.
Manson	[explaining things to Kenny] Folks need to understand that I am terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, another holiday special.
Voice-over	And now, back to "The Grinchy Poo" [a shot of Grinchy Poo stealing a decorated tree]
Narrator	Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree up But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two "Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?" And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick...
	Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in Hankey kisses, approaches the boys.
Hankey Elf	All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland! [voice dripping with bitterness]
Kyle	[elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!
Mall Hankey	Howdy ho, boys.
Stan	[after a pause] Mr. Hankey? [his elves lift the boys onto Hankey's lap]
Mall Hankey	Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
Kyle	You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Mall Hankey	Sure I am! Howdy ho!
Stan	You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Mall Hankey	Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know. Howdy ho!
Hankey Elf	You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
Kyle	This is not Mr. Hankey! [a picture is taken] This is a fake! [gasps from other kids and adults. A boy cries]
Mall Hankey	It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!
Kids	[a crowd now, they wave back] Hoowwdy ho!
Kyle	Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this? To children?
Mall Hankey	[softly] Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every shopping mall. There is no real Mr. Hankey.
Kyle	[insulted] What?! What did you say?!
Stan	Oh, boy. You've done it now.
Mall Hankey	Huh??
Kyle	[stands and rips off the mall Hankey's helmet] Behold! Here's your false prophet!
Kids	[gasp] Boo! [throw plastic Hankey's at the mall Hankey]
Mall Hankey	Ow!
Kids	Die!
Mall Hankey	Ow!
Kid 1	Get out! [the kids rush the chair and attack Hankey and his elves]
Kids	[background] You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get out!
Girl	You lied to me, Mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
Mother	Uh, well, yes, but-
Girl	I will not forget this, Mother. I will not forget this, ever. [turns and walks away]
Kid	This is revolution! [more rioting. Two kids prepare a Molotov cocktail. The blond kid lights it, the one in yellow-trimmed blue cap chucks it at the Lollyland setup. It goes up in flames]
Mall Hankey	[getting out of the way] Wah-hahow!
Security Guard 1	Uh oh, they're rioting again. [the other guard raises an eyebrow. Three kids smash a bench into an electronics store window. Two of them take a TV and the third goes further inside]
	Back at the Sweet Box...
Narrator	And all the poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sang They sang all the same And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.
Manson	[pleased with the special] Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good. [Kenny looks at him]
	At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall and everyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it.
Officer 1	What's happening?
Officer 2	Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again. [the kids and the officers race at each other and do battle. Brimmy leaves this graffiti on the wall: "No more lies!" and runs away. Am officer gives chase. Another officer pumps a tear gas canister into the crowd and the kids fall from the resulting gas]
Cartman	[the boys regroup] I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
Manson	[arriving] Well, how was it?
Kyle	It was a fake!
Manson	Oh, I'm sorry.
Kyle	Cartman was right! The holiday season is for idiots!
Stan	Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?
Manson	Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone. [a happy face replaced the swastika] Look!
Cartman	Oh, uh that's pretty cool.
Stan	Hey. Where's Kenny?
Manson	Oh. He's... around.
Kenny	[arriving] (Hey guys, what's up?)
Stan	Oh, hey Kenny.
Manson	Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange Smoothie.
The Boys	Ooooo!
Officer	Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson! [the officer rush towards him]
Manson	Run for your lives, boys! [no time for a Smoothie. All head for the mall doors and rush out to the station wagon]
Cartman	[outside, falling behind with Elvin] Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously. [the officers follow]
Officer	Come back here, God damnit! [Manson and the boys get in the station wagon and Manson backs up all the way to the highway, jumping the curb] He's getting away! [the officers get into their cars and pursue Manson]
Manson	Keep your heads down, kids! [an officer fires into the wagon and the back window breaks]
Cartman	Ey! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Kyle	I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey ever found out, he'd be so pissed!
	Grandma's house. A news bulletin is heard.
Announcer	We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Reporter	A high speed car chase is happening right now on interstate 3. We go now to our live sky-fi helicopter.
Sky-fi Reporter	Ron, it looks as though the chase is proceeding west down the interstate.
Grandma	Oh, that looks a lot like your car, Harold.
Sky-fi Reporter	We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages, all of whom are children [Manson sideswipes another car, which loses control and stops. The police drive around it] My God, what is this world coming to? Well, we'd like to take a moment to tell you that this car chase is being brought to you by Snacky S'mores [a beaver roasting one appears], the creamy bonbon s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
	The highway. More shots taken at the wagon.
Manson	They're gaining on us! [more shots, and Elvin tosses his Fudgecicle out]
Officer	Fudgecicle! [swerves to avoid it. Two other patrol cars jump over his and burst into flame upon landing]
Elvin	Kickass! [other cars take up the pursuit and fire at Manson]
Kyle	God, I hate the holiday season! [more shots]
	Manson pulls into Grandma's driveway. Grandma stands outside.
Grandma	[the kids rush past her] Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?
Manson	Get in the house!
Grandma	Alrighty, then. [walks in as the cops pull up]
Cartman	Lock the door! [Terrance and Phillip are on]
Big Blonde	Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!
Harold	What's going on?
Stan	There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us!
Stinky	Quiet down, we're watching television. [Terrance and Phillip laugh]
Terrance	Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift! [opens it]
Phillip	That's right, Terrance. This is the season for sharing. [farts on the gift, and both laugh]
Howard	[appears with rifle in hand] The cops are here!
Grandma	Howard!
Harold	How did you get out, son?
	Outside. The officers have hunkered down.
Police Chief	[on the bullhorn] All right, Manson, we know you're in there! Come out peacefully, and we'll shoot you!
Officer	[whispers into the chief's ear] Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss.
Police Chief	[whispers back] Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. [on the bullhorn] Come out peacefully, and we won't shoot you! [Howard and Grandma peek out]
Grandma	Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut.
Howard	[points the rifle at her] Get down, Ma!
Manson	Hey, man, don't point a gun at your own mother!
Howard	What the hell is wrong with you, Manson? You're acting all funny! Everybody just sit down and shut up! We're not going back to the big house!
Harold	Well, Howard, you've done it again! You've ruined Christmas!
	Outside Grandma's house. The press shows up.
Field Reporter	This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. [the camera zooms in on Grandma's house] We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical, [zoom out], so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block [SPF 200]. Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.
	Off camera, the Marshes drive up and get out. Sharon approaches the police.
Sharon	What's going on here?!
Chief Stevens	We've got a critical situation, ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage.
Sharon	Is this the Cartman residence?
Chief Stevens	Yes, ma'am.
Sharon	Give me that! [grabs the bullhorn and] Stanley! This is your mother!
	Inside
Stan	Oh ooh.
Kyle	What's your mom doing here, dude?
Sharon	[outside] Young man, I have had it! You have disobeyed me for the last time! [Grandma, Howard and Manson look out the window. They turn to face Stan.]
Howard	Wow, she's really pissed.
Manson	[pointing] I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.
	Outside.
Sharon	What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?!
Stan	[from inside the house] ...Sorry.
Robert Pooner	Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh [picture shown] is in BIG, big trouble. He apparently disobeyed his parents, left home without telling them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is very disappointed with him.
Howard	Damn it! What are we gonna do?
Florence	Sshhhh! We're watching television.
	Terrance and Phillip are teasing a reindeer with a red nose - Rudolph. Terrance runs up and farts on its face, and the deer flinches. Terrance runs back as both men laugh.
Phillip	[running up] Waitwaitwaitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
Terrance	[running up] Check out this one. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]
Phillip	[running up] Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
Terrance	[running up] Okay, here I come, okay. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]
Phillip	[running up] Okay, waitwait waitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
	The living room.
Chief Stevens	[outside, with bullhorn] Come out with your hands up!
Howard	Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back door on this house?!
Harold	Well, there's that old window in the bathroom; you could probably squeeze through there.
Howard	That's it! We're going out the bathroom window! Come on, Manson!
Manson	But I gotta see what happens.
Howard	Come on, damn it! [Manson hurries, panting] Well, it's good seeing you all. Don't move until we're gone or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.
The Adults	Happy holidays. [Uncle Howard and Manson leave]
Stan	[walks to the window, looks out, sees his parents, then turns to Kyle] Dude, they're gonna kill me.
Chief Stevens	[outside] All right, Manson, this is it! We're coming in after you! There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed, and a lot of innocent people are gonna die! You've got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!
Officer	1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,...
	The bathroom. Howard works on the window.
Howard	["3, Marshmallow," The window opens] All right, it's open! Let's go!
Stan	[walking in] 'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.
Manson	Huh?!
Stan	Please, I don't wanna go back with them.
Manson	But Stan, your mother and father are out there!
Stan	I know! They've come to punish me. All they wanna do is make me pay for comin' to Nebraska in the first place.
Howard	All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's go. [starts going through the window. Stan steps on the toilet seat, but Manson stops him.]
Manson	Stan, I wanna talk to you about family. [Uncle Howard is out.]
Stan	What?!
Howard	[popping up] What?!
Manson	You see, I had a family once. At least, I called them my family. Really, they were nothin' but a gang of people I thought were my friends. Ah after we killed a bunch of people together, I realized that my real family was who took care of me, and who took the time to care about what I did.
Stan	But they don't care about me, they just want to punish me.
Manson	If they don't care about you, would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
Stan	[pondering] I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. Thanks. [they hug]
Howard	Now can we go??
Manson	No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something to say. [walks out the bathroom door]
Howard	Oh, weak!
	The living room. Manson walks in.
Manson	Folks, I apologize for this whole mess. I'm going to surrender. Somebody show the police a white flag.
	Outside. The countdown continues.
Officer	[on the bullhorn] 90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow [to Police Chief Stevens] This is making me hungry for marshmallows [on the bullhorn] 92-Marshmallow [the front door opens and the police get into positions. The flag appears, followed by Kenny, carrying it]
Chief Stevens	Look out, he's got a white flag! [his officers fire away, killing Kenny and breaking the flagpole in half]
Manson	[peering out] Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat kid!
Kyle	[peering out] You bastards! [the police don't react. Everyone now pours out of the house]
Chief Stevens	[surprised] They're surrendering!
Cops	[run up and handcuff the pair] Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under arrest, buddy. [two of them beat on Kenny's corpse]
Blond Cop	All right you, spread 'em! [puts the cuffs on Kenny]
Chief Stevens	[helping in Manson's arrest] You're going back to prison to rot, Manson!
Manson	Good! I deserve to!
Chief Stevens	What??
Manson	[hands behind his back] I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed, but at least I'll make an example for anyone else thinking that crime [softly] is an answer.
Chief Stevens	Stop that. [the officer releases Manson]
Manson	You see, I get it now! I finally understand what the holidays are all about. Boys, don't you see? You can't let things get you down during the holidays, because being happy is what the holidays are all about!
Kyle	Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.
Manson	I've been such a bastard all these years, and I finally understand. And it it it feels great! If I feel like- I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. You see... Holidays are that special time When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy Forget about being angry for a day [picks Elvin up] Remember how it felt to be a child Opening presents on Christmas mornin' That's the way that we should all feel now So I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy Holidays
Everyone Else	Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy Holidays
Manson	Happy Kwanzaa, too From me to you Happy Holidays, you guys.
Chief Stevens	Happy Holidays, Bob.
Officer Bob	Happy Holidays, Chief.
Chief Stevens	Come on, Manson. You belong in jail. [finally cuffs him]
Manson	You're darn right I do.
Howard	[being cuffed] Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and Dad. I hope you can forgive me.
Grandma	Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.
Grandpa	Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison, son.
Howard	I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for all your help.
Cartman	See ya, Uncle Howard. [mad] Thanks for being such a great role model for me. [very softly] Piece of crap.
Stan	I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom.
Sharon	Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday back home.
Stan	Really?
Randy	Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
Stan	Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?
Robert Pooner	[wrap up] And so, Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell. Everything is back to normal, and I guess the only thing left to say is, God bless us, everyone.
	Nebraska State Penitentiary.
Manson	[in a cell with three other mates, reading from his latest book] "And I guess that's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. All I hope is that I don't make mankind lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers in the world. There's rapists and thieves. But those are the vast minority. The majority of mankind is made up of caring people, who try every day to do what they think is right. And that's the spirit of the season." What do you think, guys?
Inmate	It sucks, just like all your other books. [Manson puts his book next to the others and walks off: "AH, MILAN," "OBSERVATIONS FROM THE FOREST," "Are You There God? It's Me. Manson"]
Manson	Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy Holidays.
Inmate	Shut up! [Manson turns off the lights. Soon, noise is heard outside the cell]
Manson	What was that? [turns off the lights] What the?! [surprised to see the Cartmans and the boys inside the cell]
Cartmans/Boys	Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! [Grandma bears a cake. Manson melts, smiling. End credits soon roll] "Hark," the herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King Peace on earth, and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled" [Manson joins them] Joyful all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies With angelic host proclaim...
Stan	Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
End of Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!