Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride/Script

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The official script for "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Sparky
• Sylvester
• Clyde Donovan
• Rex
• Chef
• Pip Pirrip
• Bill Allen
• Fosse McDonald
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblansky
• Bartender
• Carl, Explosives Expert
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Jesus Christ
• Enrique, the Horse
• Frank Hammond and Phil
• Big Gay Al
• Richard Stamos
• Gamblers

Script

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
	Bus Stop.
Kyle	Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.
	A dog walks up to the boys.
Stan	Hiya, Sparky.
Kyle	[Looking] Who's that?
Stan	That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
Kyle	Wow! Cool!
Stan	Good boy, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?
Cartman	Eh. You're making me sick, dude.
Stan	He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
Cartman	No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
Sylvester	Arrrrrr.
Stan	He's not meaner than Sparky.
Cartman	Oh yeah? Let's see. Hey, Sylvester!
	Sylvester comes over.
Stan	Sparky'll kick his ass.
Cartman	I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
Kyle	You're on, dude!
	Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl.
Stan	That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!
	Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked.
Cartman	Huh. He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan	Sparky! Bad dog!
Kenny	(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)
Stan	What?!
Cartman	Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.
Stan	What do you mean?
Cartman	That dog is a gay homosexual.
	Stan looks back to study the situation, then...
Stan	He's just confused.
Kyle	I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
Kenny	(No, check his penis.)
	Kyle smiles.
Stan	Sick, shut up dude!
	Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away.
Cartman	Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.
	The bus pulls up.
	Football Field, sideline before school.
Chef	Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.
Kyle	Who's Middle Park?
Cartman	What's homecoming?
Chef	But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [silence] Now, let's start practice.
	Chef blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field.
Pip	Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?
Chef	Yes Pip, what is it?
Pip	Uh, I still don't have a helmet.
Chef	I know, Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.
Pip	Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?
Chef	Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.
Pip	Oh.
Chef	Sorry son, now get your ass in there.
	Out on the playing field.
Stan	Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. Hut-hut-hut. Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
Chef	[impatiently] Hike the damn ball!
	Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.
Pip	Aaaaaaaargh!
	Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo	Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef?
Chef	[distracted] Huh? Oh, fine, fine.
Jimbo	I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni.
Chef	Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo	That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
Chef	I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?
Jimbo	Middle Park by 70 points.
Chef	Hmmm...
	They look towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball.
Chef	I don't think we have a chance.
Jimbo	Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. [yells] Right Stanley?
	Stan turns to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes.
Stan	Huh?
	The ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle.
Jimbo	Atta boy!
Chef	Great pass, Stan!
Jimbo	Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie!
	On sideline after practice.
Chef	Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
Kyle	Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
Stan	Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.
Clyde	Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
Stan	Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!
Clyde	Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?!
Cartman	There he goes again.
Stan	Get down, Sparky! Down!
Cartman	Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
Clyde	Make him stop!
	Rex moves away with his tail between his legs.
Rex	Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
	Fosse and Bill pass by laughing.
Fosse	I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
Bill	Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Fosse	Gay dog.
	The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting.
	Mr. Garrison's classroom. Start of school.
Cartman	...and so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Mr. Garrison	Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-.
Cartman	Ah, dammit!
Mr. Garrison	Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat	Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
Mr. Garrison	Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.
Stan	Um, I'm not really prepared either.
Mr. Garrison	Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
Stan	Okay, uh... Asian culture has... plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-
Mr. Garrison	Excellent. A-.
Cartman	Eeyy!
Stan	Wow, cool!
Cartman	Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?
Mr. Garrison	Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.
Cartman	That's not fair!
Mr. Hat	Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it.
Cartman	Stupid puppet.
	Dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison	Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
	All students except Stan leave the room.
Stan	Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
Mr. Garrison	Well of course Stanley, what is it?
Stan	What's a... homosexual?
Mr. Garrison	Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.
	Stan sits.
Mr. Garrison	Stanley, gay people... Well. gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold, black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Stan	I guess.
Mr. Garrison	Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.
	Bus stop. The boys get off the bus.
Cartman	You guys see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass.
Kyle	You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.
Cartman	Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.
Stan	Shut up, dude!
	Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on.
Stan	Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Sparky	Bark, bark.
Cartman	Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen.
Stan	He just needs some training, that's all. Sit, Sparky.
	Sparky sits.
Stan	Good boy, now shake.
	Sparky shakes.
Stan	Good boy. Now, don't be gay.
	Stan waits for the command to sink in.
Stan	Don't be gay, Spark. Don't be gay.
	Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls.
Kyle	Did it work?
Stan	I don't know.
Cartman	He still looks pretty gay to me.
Bill	Huh, huh.
Fosse	Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?
Bill	Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbra Streisand concert. [they laugh] Stupid little gay dog.
Fosse	Gay dog.
Stan	Come on you guys, I have an idea.
	Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well.
Jimbo	I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
Bookie	Are you crazy?
Jimbo	No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
Gambler 1	I want to put all my money on the Cows.
Gambler 2	Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too if they guarantee it.
Gambler 3	Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.
Female Gambler 1	I got 500 on the Cows.
Female Gambler 2	Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.
Jimbo	Whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now uh...
Gambler 4	You better be right about this, Jimbo.
Jimbo	Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.
Ned	Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo	Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?
Bookie	You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
Ned	I love that song.
Jimbo	'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.
	In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.
Stan	Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-
	Stan notices a pink scarf on Sparky.
Stan	Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!
	He grabs the scarf.
Stan	No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi.
	The crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out.
Kyle	Ooh-la-la.
	Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her.
Cartman	There he goes!
Stan	Atta boy, Spark! Get her!
	Sparky climbs atop Fifi.
Stan	Yes!
	Sparky pulls Fifi's collar off and into the air, catching it around his neck.
Stan	Ah crap! Now what do I do?
Kyle	Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
Cartman	No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote the sodomies in France.
Kenny	(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)
Stan	I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
Kyle	Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.
Stan	Like who?
	Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV.
TV Announcer	And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Jesus Christ	Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Robert	Yeah, is- is this Jesus?
Jesus	Yes my son.
Robert	This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
Jesus	Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert	Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since- I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins too, that was really nice of you.
Jesus	Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Stan	Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.
Jesus	My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-
	The station's logo pops up.
TV Announcer	That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
Stan	Damn it!
Kyle	What'd he say?
Stan	I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
Cartman	Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!
Stan	Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle	Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
Stan	No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!
	Outside, Sparky overhears this.
Stan	I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!
	Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone.
	On the sideline at practice.
Chef	Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts.] Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.] Just like makin' sweet love to the football. Feelin' naughty with the football. Mmmm.
Kyle	Uh, Chef?
Chef	Spank it, ever so gently.
Kyle	Chef.
Chef	Spank it.
Kyle	Chef!
Chef	Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.
Pip	Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef	No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
Pip	Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
Chef	That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
Pip	No um, I guess not.
	Carl's Bombs And Explosives and Accessories.
Jimbo	What we wanna do here, Carl, is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
Carl	What moment would that be?
Jimbo	Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.
Carl	What high F?
Jimbo	You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah.
Carl	Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?
Jimbo	No, dammit! The aaaaah!
Carl	Aaaaahh?
Ned	Aaaaahh.
Jimbo	Aaaaahh!
Carl	Aaaaahh.
Jimbo	Great.
Carl	Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
Ned	Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo	You got it.
Carl	Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
Ned	Aaa - dooo...
Jimbo	Aaaaahh!
Carl	Alright, yeah, okay...
	On the sideline at practice.
Chef	What's the matter, Stan? You seem down.
Stan	I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
Chef	Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
	Coming up to see what's the matter.
Mr. Garrison	Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef	Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison	What do you mean?
Chef	Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison	What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.
Chef	Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison	I just act that way to get chicks, dumbass.
	Chef looks puzzled, wondering.
	On the field.
	Kyle runs up from behind.
Kyle	What's the matter dude?
Stan	I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
Cartman	Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow!
	Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al	Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.
	Sparky looks at him.
Big Gay Al	Have you been outcast?
	Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al	Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?
	Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al	Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.
	Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up.
Stan	Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
Kyle	Wow, it's been like two days.
Stan	I think he might've run away.
Cartman	Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!
Kyle	We'll help you look for him after the game, Stan.
Stan	I'm not playing.
Kyle	You what?!
Stan	I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [leaves]
	Middle Park Elementary School.
Jimbo	[whispering] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned	[louder] Okay.
	They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse.
Jimbo	Hello there, Enrique.
Ned	What are we doing here?
Jimbo	Well Ned, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot. But this year, we're gonna booby-trap it instead.
	Jimbo puts the bomb on Enrique's back.
Jimbo	And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", BOOM!
	Enrique gets wide-eyed.
Jimbo	No more Middle Park players!
	Jimbo and Ned laugh, and Enrique starts to tremble.
Jimbo	God damn, I love football!
	Stan is in the stormy mountains.
Stan	Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
	South Park Elementary.
	The Middle Park Cowboys exit the bus.
Cowboys	Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
	South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.
Frank Hammond	Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.
	Pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines.
Frank	Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach, looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
Chef	[between his teeth] Oohh, come on, Stan...
Pip	Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
Chef	No Pip, I'm sorry!
	Stormy mountains.
Stan	Sparky! Sparky!
	South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin.
Referee	Play ball.
Chef	You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
Kyle	But I never practiced quarterback.
Chef	Well it's a little late for that bullcrap now.
Frank	Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslovski.
Mr. Garrison	Hey hey, where is little Stanley?
Mr. Hat	Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
Jimbo	Ned, look!
	Middle Park's mascot, Enrique, is shown.
Jimbo	They've got Enrique on their sidelines, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
Ned	Yay.
	Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al	Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
Stan	Fine, how are you?
Big Gay Al	I'm super, thanks for asking.
Stan	My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
Big Gay Al	Well, let's see. Come on in. [they enter]
Stan	Do you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al	We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.
Gay Lion	Rooaar.
Big Gay Al	And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
Stan	Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
Big Gay Al	Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance?
	They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail.
Vocalist	Oww, we can both be gay!
	In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss.
Kyle	Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!
Huddle	Break!
	At the line of scrimmage.
Cowboy 1	You guys are toast.
Cowboy 2	Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
Cartman	We'll just see about that.
Kyle	Set, set.
	Cartman farts long and nasty right into Kyle's face. Kyle quickly retreats.
Kyle	Damn it Cartman!
Chef	What's the matter?
Kyle	Cartman farted!
Cartman	No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
Chef	Come on Kyle. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
Kyle	No way dude!
Chef	Hike! The! Ball!
	Kyle is back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.
Kyle	Ah, dude, weak.
Cartman	That's right, you get back there.
Kyle	Hike!
Frank	Ball snatched! Middle Park blitzes!
	Screaming as Kyle is tackled.
Frank	Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.
Jimbo	Hell's bells.
Frank	Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
	Phil quickly covers the mic.
Phil	Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
Frank	Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
Townsman 1	We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
Jimbo	Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, heheh.
	Big Gay Al's Big Gay Dance Floor.
Vocalist	...both be gay.
	Stan is dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky.
Stan	Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
Sparky	Ruff.
Stan	I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
Sparky	Barr.
Stan	Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.
	Sparky follows Stan.
Stan	We can work on making you not gay together.
	Sparky stops and sits.
Stan	Sparky?
Big Gay Al	Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
Stan	What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al	Come this way, I have to show you something.
	South Park Football Field, second quarter.
Frank	With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
Kyle	Hut, hut.
	Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball.
Frank	Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
	Phil muffles Frank.
Phil	Dude! Now that is not cool.
Frank	Sorry, sorry.
	Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
Big Gay Al	Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.
	Stan looks at the boat.
Big Gay Al	Step aboard, Stanley.
	He and Sparky step aboard the boat.
Big Gay Al	Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
	South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show.
Frank	And the South Park Cows are set to receive...
	The Cowboys kick off.
Frank	There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.
	Kenny weaves through the special teams.
Frank	He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
Cowboys	Hold him, hold him!
	Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms.
Cowboys	Hold him, hold him!
Cowboy	Yaaah!
	A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.
Frank	The little running back is down. I think he's...
	Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.
Frank	Yes, he's been decapitated.
Kyle	[gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
Phil	Hah, that's gotta hurt, Frank.
Frank	Ouch-a-roo!
Chef	Hey, come on! That was roughing! At least let us scrape him off the field!
Frank	Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread, not by a long shot.
	Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
	The boat-ride begins the passage through several animatronic scenes.
Big Gay Al	You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.
	The tips of the Japanese soldiers' swords touch.
Big Gay Al	Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!
	Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his pistol.
Big Gay Al	Whoa! Oh gosh, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.
	Doors open to reveal a scene reminiscent of 'It's a Small World'.
Boat Ride Singers	We're all gay, and it's okay, 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's okay, hey, to be gay!
Big Gay Al	Sooo, what do you think, Stan?
	Still singing. ...It's okay to be gay...
Stan	This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand.
	Still singing. It's okay to be gay. Shalala waylaylay shalala waylaylay. It's okay to be gay.
Big Gay Al	[to himself] Isn't this precious?
	South Park Football Field. Halftime.
Frank	And now, here to sing the touching song Loving You, is the one and only, John Stamo-...s' brother...
Audience Member	Alright Richard!
	Music starts up.
Richard Stamos	Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful, -doo-n-doo-n-doo-doooo- Aaaaah!
	His voice cracks and the music stops.
Richard	Aaaaah!
Jimbo	What the hell?!
Richard	Aaaaah!
	His voice wavers.
Jimbo	He didn't sing the high F!
Mr. Garrison	Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.
Jimbo	Ned... We're gonna to get our asses kicked.
Richard	Lalalalala lalalalala lalalalala lala la la lala...
Mr. Garrison	[heckling] It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
	Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Stan	Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al!
Sparky	Ruff!
Big Gay Al	No problem, kids! Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
Stan	No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!
	They start to walk off.
Big Gay Al	Oh Stan?
	They stop.
Big Gay Al	When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
Stan	I will Big Gay Al, I will.
	They depart.
	Bell dings.
Big Gay Al	Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]
	South Park Football Field, fourth quarter.
Kyle	Hike!
Frank	And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...
Mr. Garrison	I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo.
Mr. Hat	Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.
Townsman	You're a dead man, Jimbo!
	A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.
Frank	Well, this should just about wrap it up for-
	Stan and Sparky come onto the field.
Frank	Wait a minute, what's this?
Jimbo	Yeah! Yohooooh!
Frank	It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
Chef	Where the hell have you been Stan?!
Stan	I've been getting my best friend back.
Chef	Just get in there boy!
Jimbo	Give 'em hell, Stanley!
	Stan takes his place on the field as Jimbo looks to the heavens, and prays aloud to himself.
Jimbo	Jesus? Now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
	In the first row of the stands.
Jesus	Leave me alone.
Stan	Hike!
Frank	Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
Kyle	Hey Stan! Ah, I'm open, I think!
Stan	Mph!
	Stan throws the ball.
Frank	And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid!
Kyle	Oof.
	Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.
Frank	Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
	Frank recoils.
Phil	Dude!
	The crowd cheers as Kyle scores.
Frank	Touchdown!
Jimbo	Yeah! Wooo!
Frank	The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!
	Frank swats his mic away.
Jimbo	Yeah! Woohoo!
	Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard.
Townsman	Speech!
Frank	Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
Stan	Uh... It- it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
Crowd	Yeah, alright!
Stan	And maybe... we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd	Wooooh!
Stan	And it's okay to be gay!
	The crowd falls silent.
Jimbo	What?!
Stan	Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
Mr. Garrison	What the hell is he talking about?
Frank	Uh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
Stan	I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.
	The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief.
Stan	It's true, I'll show you.
	At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen.
Stan	But it was here. It was all right here. There- there was a techno dance club...
Cartman	Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.
	The missing animals suddenly appear.
Townswoman	Oliver! I thought you ran away all those months ago!
Townsperson 1	Sidney!
Townsperson 2	Willy!
Townsperson 3	Carlos!
	Big Gay Al is suddenly at Stan's side.
Big Gay Al	I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
Stan	Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
Big Gay Al	I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.
	He pops his suitcase open and climbs into it.
Big Gay Al	Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.
	He presses a button, and the suitcase closes.
Stan	Wow!
	The suitcase flies off.
Richard	You guys, you guys! I can do it.
Mr. Garrison	Do what?
Richard	Loving you, Is easy cause you're beautiful, Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
Jimbo	No!
Richard	Aaah!
Enrique	Mroo-
	BOOM!
End of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride