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Fat Butt and Pancake Head/Script

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Cast

  • Stan
  • Kyle
  • Cartman
  • Kenny
  • Butters
  • Bebe
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Slave
  • Liane Cartman
  • Latino Endowment Council members
  • Make Your Own Video cashier
  • BHI President and Aides
  • Men at Oscar celebration in "Jennifer Lopez"'s dream
  • Female Fan at concert
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Police Officers
  • Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
  • Mitch Connor

Script

Fat Butt and Pancake Head
South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court.
Kyle
[wearing an argyle sweater] ...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him]
Principal Victoria
[approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.
Mr. Mackey
[as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ]
Kyle
Cool.
Principal Victoria
All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd]
Cartman
[approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez.
Kids
Jennifer Lopez?
Kyle
No way.
Cartman
[shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accent and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets]
Principal Victoria
[taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos.
Cartman
Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh si, si. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress.
Cartman
Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh si si si. I like it very much.
Cartman
[fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Saright.
Cartman
That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman
Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
si si. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman
Nono, Jeh-
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Heh-
Cartman
Jeh-
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Heh-
Cartman
Jeh
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Jeh
Cartman
Jennifer Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Hennifer Lopez [members of the council laugh and clap]
A Council Member
Hahahahaha, oh my.
Cartman
Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy.
Cartman
And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.]
South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way.
Cartman
Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
Kyle
It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture.
Cartman
Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.
Kyle
No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over!
Cartman
[walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Aww, that makes me muy triste.
Cartman
Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh si si, very much.
Cartman
Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh si, si si, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand]
Cartman
Is nice?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Is very nice. He's so handsome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises]
Kyle
[swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it!
Cartman
Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court.
Kenny
(Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court]
South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Mmm, tacos! So yummy!
Kyle
Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman!
Cartman
Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.
Kyle
She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo!
Kenny
(Heheehee, heheh yeahah)
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a "U R Da Star", a music-video shop]
Kyle
Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman!
Cartman
I agree. Those places are stupid.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
It's not stupid. I need to make music video.
Stan
[to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off!
Cartman
Hey, I'm on your guys' side.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow]
Kyle
God dammit! [follows reluctantly]
Cashier
Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
How much to make a video?
Cashier
Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape.
Cartman
Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh please! Come on, guys!
Kyle
Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!
Cartman
All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier]
Kyle
That's not what I meant!
Cashier
All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Something hot and spicy.
The cashier puts on various music tracks, first song is a rock song.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Spicier.
Next is Latin song
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Spicierrr!
Next song is a Latin mix. This is agreeable, so the video is made.
"Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses" is shown, The hand has its costume on hanging down from it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez


Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Don't think that just because I got a lot of money
I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey!
Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.

Cashier
You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, gracias, "Machel"! [the cashier's tag reads "Michael"]
Cashier
Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!
Kyle
Can we go now, please?!
Cartman
Yeah, I wanna leave.
Kyle
Stop it, Cartman!
Cartman
What?
BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco.
BHI President
She's fantastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair]
Aide 1
[with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez.
Aide 2
[in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo.
BHI President
Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.
Aide 2
I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl.
BHI President
No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo.
Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it.
Cartman
Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to "her"]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, si si siiih. Allo!
Cartman
What do they want?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear.
Cartman
S'awright?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
S'awright. [returns to "her" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams "her" head off]
Cartman
What? What?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh my God I can't believe it!!!
Cartman
[puts the phone to his ear] Hello, are you still there?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
They want to sign me to the record company!
Cartman
You want to sign Ms. Lopez?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh my God, it's happening for me!
Cartman
Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
We're gonna be famose!
Cartman
Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off]
Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad.
Cartman
There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, si si siiih.
Cartman
[scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.
Cartman
Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow...
His dream begins at the bus stop
Cartman
"Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!" [in class, sitting next to each other] "You were wrong, Kyle!" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] "Nananananaaana!" [on the bus ride home] "Hahahahahaaaha!" [images of Kyle come forth, crying] "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.
An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it.
Man 1
Ms. Lopez! Up here!
Man 2
Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!
Man 3
Jennifer, over here.
Man 4
Jennifer!
A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor.
Female fan
[stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh.
BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up.
BHI President
Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.
Jennifer Lopez
[carrying a toy poodle takes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five.
BHI President
Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopez, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label.
Jennifer Lopez
What? Oh no you di'n't!
Aide 1
We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ..."talent".
Jennifer Lopez
[pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?!
BHI President
Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records.
Jennifer Lopez
Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where is she come from?!
Aide 1
Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.
Jennifer Lopez
I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican!
BHI President
Whatever. Look, it's nothing personal, we just think you need to move on.
Aide 2
Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous.
A limousine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver.
Reporter
And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck.
Ben
[sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby?
Jennifer Lopez
Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses it out the window.]
Ben
What?? Who could replace you??
Jennifer Lopez
[tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver!
Driver
[looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to?
Jennifer Lopez
Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!!
South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window.
Cartman
[runs up] Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle! [Slience.]
Kyle
[decide to answer] ...What?
Cartman
[approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!
Stan
What are you gloating about?
Cartman
Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to record an album next week.
Kids in Class
Wow, really?
Kyle
No!
Cartman
[a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals.
Butters
[pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school!
Mr. Garrison
Butters, will you pay attention, please?
Butters
Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!
Cartman
Jennifer Lopez?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Yes?
Butters
Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too!
A boy
Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window]
Mr. Garrison
Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.]
Mr. Slave
Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?
Mr. Garrison
Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow]
South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself.
Principal Victoria
Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
Mr. Mackey
Here she comes! Here she comes!
Jennifer Lopez
Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?!
Principal Victoria
[Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids?
Jennifer Lopez
[begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd]
Jennifer Lopez
[looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman while pointing at him] You go' a problem?!
Cartman
Not me!
Jennifer Lopez
Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful]
Jennifer Lopez
What the hell is that?!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
Jennifer Lopez
That? That's what replaced me?!
Cartman
I'm sure it was just a mistake.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place!
Cartman
Shut your God-damned mouth!
Jennifer Lopez
[picks Cartman up by the scruff of his jacket] You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?!
Cartman
Nobody!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos!
Jennifer Lopez
Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand]
Cartman
Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!
Jennifer Lopez
You'd better stop!
Cartman
I will!
Ben
[walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go.
Bebe
Wow, Ben Affleck.
Ben
We should be getting back to the... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez]
Jennifer Lopez
Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny!
She drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limousine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time with his hands up against the glass as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses.
Kyle
Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson.
Cartman
Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.
Kyle
Good.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould.
Kyle
Aw, God-dammit!
Cartman
Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Ohsisisi, senor.
Kyle
That does it. I'm out. [walks off]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses!
Music Lab Recording Studios, night.
Aide 1
All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez

Baby let's make a run for the border,
I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.
I know exactly what I'll order
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

BHI President
Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez

I need to make a run for the border,
If you pay I'll take off my top.
Do you remember what I want to order?
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.
Yeah-eah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!

Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez

Don't think just because I got money
I won't still give you taco-flavored kisses, honey.
I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes
Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses-

Cartman
What the hell are you doing?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I'm practicing my dancinngg!
Cartman
Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Dancing!
Cartman
Sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Dancing!
Cartman
[slowly, whiney] Sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[slowly, invitingly] Dancing!
Cartman
Moooommm! [Cartman's mother enters the room]
Liane
What's the matter, sweetie?
Cartman
Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!
Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door.
Cartman
[real tired] He-yesss.
Ben
Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez.
Cartman
[hides his left hand] She's not here right now.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben?
Ben
Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeply, then shows his hand to Ben]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Ben!!! Oh, you brought me roses!
Ben
Jenny, ah Jenny I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowers the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
Ben
I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.
Ben
Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!
Cartman
NO!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?!
Cartman
I'm not going out in his car.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have.
Cartman
I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework. [Ben stars picking his nose]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Don't you dare [becomes unintelligible]
Cartman
I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Okay, Ben, let's go!
A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile.
Ben
Let's spend the whole day together!
A soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Cartman looks tired. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The National Inquisition.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez

Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Tacos......

Ben
Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But...
Ben
But what?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass?
Ben
[pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh Ben. Beennn.
Ben
Jenny, can I kiss you?
Cartman
[reacts] NO!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own]
Cartman
Aw, God dammit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to "Jennifer Lopez" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude!
Ben
Mmm, just like tacos.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.
Ben
You're so hot, baby.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I make you hot, Ben?
Ben
Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! ["Jennifer Lopez" bobs up and down]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again]
Ben
Oh God, Jenny!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, Ben, I adore you! [Cartman looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...]
Cartman
OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!!
Ben
But I love her!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Ben!
Ben
Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I love you, Ben!
Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez

Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood.
Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP!

Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water. "Jennifer Lopez" knocks it onto the floor] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Aide 2
Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine!
Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby]
Jennifer Lopez
[stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier]
Cartman
Aww crap.
Jennifer Lopez
You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand]
Cartman
OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!
Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand.
Dr. Doctor
Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers.
Liane
Oh dear.
Dr. Doctor
But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased]
Cartman
I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, hello guys.
Kyle
Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?
Cartman
Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
Kyle
I hate you. [turns right and walks out]
Liane
Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest.
Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left.
Cartman
EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up]
Liane
[enters with a cup of coffee and wearing a pink robe] What is it, sweetie?
Cartman
Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
Liane
Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with you.[backs out of the room and closes the door.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Buenos dias, my love.
Ben
Good morning, baby.
Cartman
You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love.
Cartman
What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!!
Ben
Should we tell him the news?
Cartman
What news?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I think we should tell him.
Ben
It's S'aright?
Cartman
S'aright.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
S'aright.
Ben
We're getting married!!
Cartman
Oh, balls!
Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings.
Kyle
Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.]
Cartman
[sad] Guys, I need to talk to you.
Stan
What's the matter?
Cartman
I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.
Kyle
So stop doing it!
Cartman
Stop doing what?
Kyle
You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here!
Cartman
Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and "Jennifer Lopez" emerges coughing]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
Kyle
Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand doesn't need to breathe!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
You try being in an oven mitt for two hours!
Kyle
I can see your lips moving!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
I can see your lips moving too, culo!
Kyle
See?! I just saw your lips move!
Cartman
Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
Stan
What's she doing?
Kyle
Come here! [drags Stan off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?!
Stan
I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
Kyle
Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, [Kyle does a pretty solid impression of Cartman] "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
Stan
Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us feel dumb?
Kyle
YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room]
Stan
Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you.
Cartman
Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Oh no you don't!
Cartman
Quiet, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle
Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out]
Cartman
Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door]
Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something.
Ben
There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and then...]
Aide 1
Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs]
Jennifer Lopez
[disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.]
Ben
Don't you hurt her!
BHI President
We'll sue you!
Kyle
Oh Jesus.
A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers draw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable.
Police Officer 1
Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up]
Aide 1
Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made]
Police Officer 2
All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.
Ben
[rushes up to "Jennifer Lopez"] Jenny! Oh, I thought I was going to lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight!
Aide 2
Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive]
Ben
Our love is like rain!
Jennifer Lopez
That's what you said about me, asshole!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Quiet!
BHI President
Get her out of here!
Jennifer Lopez
Fuck you!
Police Officer 2
Shut up, picante pants!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am.
BHI President
You're not?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Connor. [everyone, including Kyle, gasps]
Police Officer 2
Who's Mitch Connor?
Mitch Connor
Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of runnin'.
Kyle
[exasperated] Oh no, no, no.
Mitch Connor
I've been a cheat all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.
Kyle
Stop. It.
Mitch Connor
Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder]
Police Officer 2
Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he too leaves.]
Kyle
[the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor?
Cartman
I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle
[resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible.
Cartman
[dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda!
A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar.
Manager
Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce will go on. [a man carrying a large bowl walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her]
Jennifer Lopez
[jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead!
Manager
Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people.
Jennifer Lopez
Get a what with who?
Manager
Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later?
Jennifer Lopez
[begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies!
Coworker
Yeah. Meee too.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez
[as credits roll]

Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Tacos...

End of Fat Butt and Pancake Head


  705: "Fat Butt and Pancake Head" edit
Story Elements

Jennifer LopezBen AffleckMitch Conner • "Make a Run for the Border" • "Taco Flavored Kisses" • "Taco Flavored Kisses for My Ben"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Seventh Season

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