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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Mrs./Mr. Garrison
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • News Reader
  • Bio Company Doctor
  • Denver County School board Representatives
  • Mrs. Miller
  • Rodriguez
  • Inner City School Students
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Linda Stotch
  • Scared women
  • Man in Steam Room
  • Malita
  • Sergeant Lou
  • Detective Mitch Murphy
  • Other Police officers
  • Italian Chef
  • The Penis Mouse
  • Thompson

Scripts

Eek, A Penis!
Mrs. Garrison's classroom. She's seated behind the desk, crying and pulling out tissue after tissue, baring her soul to the class.
Mrs. Garrison
It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know? [wipes away tears, then throws the tissue away] I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man
Butters
Are we gonna get tested on this?
Mrs. Garrison
This sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted.
Stan
[to Kyle] Dude, wanna do some math problems?
Mrs. Garrison
[tosses another tissue away, grabs another one] And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say "Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man," and he says "There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?" [gets up, and his chair topples over] Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?! [throws a bust] I'm a man! I deserve a God damned penis! [throws some tissues, some books, and an apple towards the class. Stan closes his eyes shut so nothing gets in them. Mrs. Garrison grabs her chair and crashes it through a window. Then he punches the wall, knocks the metal drawers over, and kicks the desk, grunting all the while]
Principal Victoria
[not seen] Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison! [he stops and looks up. He sees Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria, her arms crossed, at the door] Could we speak with you please?
Mrs. Garrison
[walks out of the classroom still sniffling] What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay? [Principal Victoria walks into the classroom and closes the door]
Mrs. Garrison
Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [walks away in a huff]
Principal Victoria
Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Cartman
[raises his hand] Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here.
Principal Victoria
Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? [no one else volunteers. Cartman stands on his chair and raises his left arm high]
Cartman
Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh!
Principal Victoria
Any other volunteers, perhaps?
Cartman
[now on his desk and stretching that left arm up higher] Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal.
Principal Victoria
All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class.
Cartman
Yes! [walks up next to Garrison's desk]
Principal Victoria
Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly. [leaves the classroom and closes the door.]
Cartman
[turns to the board and walks up to it. He grabs the wooden pointer and smacks it softly against his left palm] Well well well. Who's teacher now? [whips it against the floor] Yeahhh. Who's teacher?!
Kyle
You're not the teacher, fatass.
Cartman
That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [whips the pointer against the floor] Yeahhh. [whips the pointer against the floor again] Mmm yeah, you like that? [Kyle just rolls his eyes] All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here! [whips the pointer against the floor again] Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. [waves the pointer around a little and follows it with his eyes.]
Mrs. Garrison's house, day. She's laying on her sofa with her tissues, crying.
News Anchor
And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse [a picture of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back] genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest.
Mrs. Garrison
[now attentive] What?
News Anchor
But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses.
Mrs. Garrison
Holy Freaking Jesus.
Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".
Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison
Researcher 1
Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television. [Mrs. Garrison looks at the mouse] Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person.
Mrs. Garrison
Doctor, what about a penis?
Researcher 1
Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina.
Mrs. Garrison
No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?
Researcher 1
You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work.
Mrs. Garrison
I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis.
Researcher 1
All right. [Mrs. Garrison grins] All right, let's see what we can do.
South Park Elementary, day, Principal Victoria's office. Mr. Mackey is there, as well as two school officials
Principal Victoria
Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher.
Cartman
Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid!
Mr. Mackey
Uh, "commend" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?
Principal Victoria
[looks through some papers] After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them.
Cartman
[at ease] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning.
Principal Victoria
These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you.
Board Rep 1
[a black man] Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes.
Board Rep 2
[a white man] These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a shot?
Cartman
That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me?
The neighborhood bus stop. The bus pulls up and opens its doors. The boys walk out and turn right
Cartman
Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks.
Kyle
You're not an awesome teacher!
Cartman
Whatever. The whole class scored super-high on the test.
Kyle
The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it!
Cartman
Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk?
Kyle
Kenny's!
Kenny
(Yeah, that was my idea.)
Cartman
Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around.
Kyle
Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to fucking murder you! [walks away. Stan and Kenny follow. Cartman is scared, then he starts thinking]
Cartman
Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look.
Cartman's bathroom. He's standing on a stool checking himself out on the vanity's mirror. He whips out a partable hair trimmer and raises it to his hairline. He shaves his head down the middle...
Jon Davis High School, day. Urban music plays as the establishing scenes go by. There are security scanners at the front door which all students pass through, and two security guards to go through their belongings if the students set off the scanners. The kids at this school are doing anything but studying: fighting, making out, smoking, throwing paper wads at each other...
A classroom. The students there are quite rowdy
Principal
[enters] Students, quiet! Quiet please! [a wad of paper goes her way and hits] Give me your attention!
Teen Boy 1
I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller. [the class laughs]
Mrs. Miller
[the principal] You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher.
Class
Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Mrs. Miller
This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez
Cartman
[dressed as Jaime Escalante] Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez. [holds up his left thumb] Your new teacher.
Teen Boy 2
What the hell is thiiis?
Cartman
I am here... to teach you calculuuus.
Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".
Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison
Researcher 1
Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.
Mrs. Garrison
Mr. Garrison! [they approach an incubator]
Researcher 1
Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis. [Mr. Garrison gazes into the incubator. A mouse is wrapped in gauze all over, and a penis is riding on its back]
Mrs. Garrison
Wow! My penis looks great!
Researcher 1
Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations.
Mrs. Garrison
How long before it's ready?
Researcher 1
Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon.
Mrs. Garrison
Let me see if it feels right in my hand. [opens the incubator door and reaches in...]
Researcher 1
No! Don't open the- [the mouse escapes]
Mrs. Garrison
Whoa no!
Researcher 2
Don't let it get out of the lab! [the mouse reaches the entrance and escapes when an unsuspecting researcher opens the door from outside]
Mrs. Garrison
Mah penis! [gives chase, and some researchers join him] Stop, penis! Come back here!
The classroom at Jim Davis High. Cartman hands out syllabi
Cartman
Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu.
Teen Boy 3
Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Teen Boy 4
Yeahhhh.
Cartman
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge
Teen Boy 5
Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! Fuck you! [the rest of the class voice their protests as well. Cartman turns his back to them and looks down]
Cartman
How do I reach these keeds? [faces the class, his left hand tucked under the left pant pocket] The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time. [holds up a picture] This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top.
Teen Girl 1
Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!
Cartman
No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy.
Teen Boy 6
This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat.
Cartman
Go ahead, the door's right there. [turns left] Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss youuu. [the boy walks to the door and leaves. Cartman turns away from the class and sighs, dropping the photo] How do I reach these keeds?
The community park. The boys are playing in the sand box, making a sand castle. They've brought their toy trucks along. Both Butters and Kenny are present. Mr. Garrison sees them and runs towards them.
Mrs. Garrison
Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? [the boys can't figure out what he's talking about.]
Kyle
What?
Mrs. Garrison
My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese. [runs off]
Butters
[rubbing his temples] Ow. That hurt my brains. [the pain gets worse] Oww.
Jim Davis High, another smoggy day. The boy who walked out of class is playing basketball alone in the school yard. He shoots and misses, and goes for the ball, but it rolls towards Cartman, who picks it up.
Cartman
Nice form, compadre. [walks towards the basket with the ball]
Teen Boy 6
Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating.
Cartman
Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game? [whistles] Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us? [a scoreboard is shown, and a boy on the platform looks over at him]
Teen Boy 7
Sure thing, Mr. C.
Cartman
[gets into position] Okay, you start on defense, amigo. [dribbles the ball for a few seconds, then whacks the boy on the right shin with a collapsible pointer]
Teen Boy 6
[falls down and grabs his right leg] AAAAH! [Cartman continues towards the basket and scores. The score is now 1-0 Visitors]
Cartman
Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo!
Teen Boy 6
You cheated!
Cartman
What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn. [the boy is on offense. He dribbles for a few seconds and moves to the basket, but Cartman again takes out his pointer and whacks the boy's left shin. The boy falls again, and Cartman steals the ball and scores again. The boy at the scoreboard updates the score: 2-0 Visitors] That's two to nothing, amigoo. [his opponent stands up]
Teen Boy 6
Fuck you, man, you can't do that!
Cartman
Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [throws the ball back at the boy]
Teen Boy 6
I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps off]
Cartman
Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing! [sighs] How do I reach these keeds?
Butters' house, day. Linda is washing dishes when she hears something squeak.
Linda
What is that? [turns around and looks. The modified mouse runs across the kitchen floor; she screams and hops onto a footstool, then lifts up her skirt] Eeeek! Eeeek! [the mouse runs across the floor again, in the opposite direction] Eeeek! Eeeek! [hops off and runs to the living room entrance] Stephen! Stephen come quick!
Stephen
[reading the paper with a pipe in his hand] What is it, dear?
Linda
A penis is loose in our kitchen!
Stephen
A penis?
Linda
Yes! It just ran across the floor!
Stephen
Now darling, calm down.
Linda
Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house!
Stephen
Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises. [Butters smiles. Stephen gets up from his armchair and walks to the kitchen. Butters joins him. The mouse runs across the floor again]
Linda
There! There, you see it?
Stephen
Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.
Linda
I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases. [the mouse runs across the floor again]
Butters
Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis!
Stephen
Your teacher's penis?
Butters
Yeah, that must be his.
Stephen
Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?
Butters
[didn't quite get it until...] Huh?
Jim Davis High School, day
Cartman
Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. [hops onto a box so he could write on the chalkboard. He draws a video camera aimed at a box marked D] When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defense. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can- [the errant student returns]
Teen Boy 6
I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try.
Cartman
Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack. [the student takes his seat] All right. Now, when Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: "I mis-interpreted the rules." It's what you must also say when caught cheating! "I mis-interpreted the rules." Say it with me.
Class
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman
Good. Again.
Class
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman
Again!
Class
"I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman
Now you sound like white people!
Class
[now with pounding fists] "I mis-interpreted the rules!"
South Park Supermarket. Stephen and Butters have finished shopping and are packing the groceries into their car. Mr. Garrison is talking to them
Mrs. Garrison
What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?!
Stephen
Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out.
Mrs. Garrison
Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere!
A Woman
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! [the three guys look up]
Mrs. Garrison
Holy Crap! [takes off after the sound.]
The Komfort Inn. The screaming woman stands on a box while her husband looks at her annoyed
Woman
Eeeek! Eeeeeek!
Husband
Carole, get down from there!
Woman
Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek!
Husband
I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it.
Mrs. Garrison
[pops into view] You saw a penis?!
Woman 2
[inside the Inn] Eeeeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison rushes in]
The Komfort Inn Fitness Room. Mrs. Garrison finds the woman standing on a chair with her legs crossed
Woman 2
Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek. [the mouse runs across the floor and Mrs. Garrison gives chase. The penis-mouse runs down the hall and into a steam room]
Mrs. Garrison
[runs down the hall] Come back here, penis! [enters the steam room and looks around] There you are! Got you! [backs out of the steam room holding a penis... which is attached to a man. Garrison looks at the penis more closely, then at the man's face] Hey, you're not my penis. [the man punches her across the face] Ogh! [the penis-mouse runs out. Garrison lets go and gives chase again] There it goes! Stop you!
Cartmanez' class. He's giving the class the answers for the upcoming test
Cartman
The answer to #27 is 5.
Class
[repeating] The answer to #27 is 5.
Cartman
The answer to #28 is 14.
Class
"The answer to #28 is 14."
Teen Girl 2
Man, what's the point? [grabs her books and heads for the door] What's the point of any of this? [cries and exits]
Cartman
All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back. [leaves the classroom and looks around for the girl] Melita! Melita, hold on. [walks up to her] You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you?
Melita
There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it.
Cartman
[sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [turns around and faces her] All right, let's go get you an abortion.
Melita
No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong.
Cartman
Abortion isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you?
Melita
That cheating is good?
Cartman
Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself. [Melita turns right and walks off a bit] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.
Melita
I don't know, Mr. C.
Cartman
Mexicans are told not to cheat. "Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child." So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns. [walks around to face her] It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest.
Park County Police Station, day. Mr. Garrison files a police report
Sgt. Yates
[taking notes] And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? [a police sketch artist works on a portrait]
Mrs. Garrison
That's right.
Officer Harris
Long whiskers or short?
Mrs. Garrison
Short, and little fluffy ears.
Officer Harris
Fluffy ears, okay.
Mrs. Garrison
Think you got it, Mitch?
Mitch Harris
I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows his sketch to Garrison: it's Mickey Mouse with a giant boner under his shorts]
Mrs. Garrison
[disappointed] No, no, not like that! That's just silly. [an officer walks into view]
Officer
Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
Sgt. Yates
What is it?
Officer
Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese.
Mrs. Garrison
Wall come on! [runs out. The two other officers follow him]
Buca de Faggoncini Italian Restaurant, night. Diners are eating their meals, and a small penis-mouse appears on the floor
Woman 2
[quickly jumps onto her chair and lifts up her skirt] EEK!
Man 2
[looks around] What's the matter?
Woman 2
A penis!
Woman 3
[quickly jumps onto her table and lifts up her skirt] A penis? Where?
Woman 4
There it is! [quickly jumps onto the table at her booth and lifts up her skirt] Eek! [the other women at the restaurant do the same thing, and soon all you hear are "Eek, a penis!"]
Mrs. Garrison
[enters the restaurant followed by the three officers] Where is it?!
Mitch Harris
Look, there! [points to the mouse as it heads to the kitchen. A waiter doesn't notice the mouse passing by him]
Mrs. Garrison
Come on! [he and the officers run to the kitchen]
Chef
What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen? [wields a rolling pin]
Mrs. Garrison
[entering with the cops] Huy! Don't you dare kill my penis! [the mouse leaves through an open window] Crap! We've gotta go back around!
Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wooden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon
Mouse
Someone somewhere is loving me tonight
Looking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.
Penis
Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair
Mouse
Feelin' my despair
Penis
And this same moon is
Penis, Mouse
[together] making them think of that-.
Mrs. Garrison
There it is! [the mouse runs away. Garrison gives chase again, with the cops and the chef joining him. The mouse runs to the sewer and drops in] No! Nooo! [dives after it, but can't reach far enough in to get it] No! No!
Mitch Harris
There's not a chance now.
Mrs. Garrison
No we, we can find it! [looks intensely down through the grate]
Sgt. Yates
Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men. [they leave. Garrison stands up, beat]
Cartmanez's classroom. Mrs. Miller and Cartman stand before the class.
Mrs. Miller
Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit. [a quick cheer goes up] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating.
Cartman
Uh what?
Mrs. Miller
The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [turns right and leaves the classroom]
Teen Boy 8
Monitor us in a private room?
Teen Boy 3
Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along.
Teen Boy 2
I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing!
Cartman
Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them.
Teen Boy 8
[stands up] Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all!
Cartman
How do I reeeach these keeeeds?! [the boy, cowed, slips back into his seat. Cartman faces the board] Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, "Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat." You know what happened? [dryly] They lost. [faces the class] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives.
Teen Girl 1
Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
Cartman
You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water.
A bus stop across the street from Buca de Faggoncini, night. Mrs. Garrison is on her back on the bench, crying
Mrs. Garrison
You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [a squeaky thing is heard. Garrison notices and stops crying] Well what the? [raises her head and looks down, then looks towards her feet. The mouse that has been fleeing all night is now struggling to get on the bench] Why... it's my penis. [the mouse is now wholly on the bench] My penis came back. But why? [the mouse moves closer. Mrs. Garrison lowers her left hand to the bench. The mouse walks onto her hand, and she lifts it up] I guess it's true. What's that old saying? "If you love your penis, let it go..."
Jim Davis High School Auditorium. Mrs. Miller addresses the audience while Mr. Cartmanez' class stands behind and to the left of her
Mrs. Miller
The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100% [their parents applaud. Melita and a short boy look at each other]
Teen Boy 6
Uh, can we say something?
Mrs. Miller
Sure. [leaves the podium. The short boy reaches for a plaque and hands it to the taller boy, who now takes the mic]
Teen Boy 6
We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez! [Cartman, standing far from the podium and off to one side, walks up to the podium and reaches the mic. The students gather 'round him and clap as adults take pictures.]
Cartman
[basking in the success] I reeached these keeeds.
South Park Elementary, main entrance. Everyone is gathered there for a special occasion
Principal Victoria
Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison. [everyone claps as Mr. Garrison makes his return]
Mr. Garrison
Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. [the mouse that grew his penis climbs onto his right shoulder, the penis having been removed from it and attached to Mr. Garrison. Garrison turns around] But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man.
A Teacher
Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
Mr. Garrison
Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot! [Thompson is dumbfounded. Garrison turns around and jumps up to click his heels] Yeah! I'm back!
End of Eek, A Penis!


  1205: "Eek, A Penis!" edit
Story Elements

Ms./Mr. GarrisonMr. CartmanezJim Davis High SchoolKomfort Inn • "Someone, Somewhere"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Twelfth Season