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Eat, Pray, Queef/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Annie Faulk
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Red
  • Tweek Tweak
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Mrs. Testaburger
  • Thomas Tucker
  • Regis & Kelly
  • Martha Stewart
  • Some men and women
  • Terrance & Phillip, Katherine & Katie
  • Bishop
  • Brian (Programming head)
  • Doctor

Script

[South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is shown as the bell rings, and the students pour into the hallway from their classrooms. They're all chatting about something imminent]
Cartman: Oh man, I thought that day would never end.
Wendy: Hey Stan, you wanna maybe study together after school?
Stan: What?! No way Wendy, today's the day!
Wendy: What day?
Butters: The day they're showin' Part 2 of last week's Terrance and Phillip show!
Clyde: They're gonna finally reveal who Phillip farted on to get out of jail.
Red: Oh God, that show is so dumb.
Cartman: Dumb?! Phillip farted in somebody's face super hard! But you don't know who until this week's episode!
Tweek: Eagh! This has been the longest week of my life!
Wendy: Why do boys think farts are so funny? They're juvenile and gross!
Cartman: No! No, nono, you're right Bebe! Farts totally aren't funny. [walks from his locker to the middle of the hall, turns around, farts, and walks back to his locker. A little girl walks into the fart fumes and all the boys laugh]
Little Girl: Eww! [Butters points at her and laughs cruelly]
Kyle: Come on guys, we gotta go! [leads the boys down the hall]
Jimmy: We're finally gonna learn the chocking truth of who Phillip f-farted on.
Cartman: Let's get to my house!! [the boys run out of school chattering away while the girls remain in the hall annoyed]
Wendy: God they're so stupid!
[Cartman's house, a while later. The boys walk into the living room and arrange themselves before the TV]
Stan: Oh boy!
Butters: This is gonna be great!
Craig: I've been waiting for this all week.
Butters: Oh boy!
Cartman: [walks in with some snacks for himself and spots Craig on the sofa] Ah ah ah, that's my seat, Craig.
Craig: Dude, I was here first.
Cartman: It's my Goddamned house, now get your bitch ass on the floor! [Craig moves to an empty spot on the floor as Cartman takes his place on the sofa]
Butters: Well it's on, it's on, itsonitsonitson!
[Graphics for the Canada Channel pop up onscreen]
Announcer: You are watching the Canada Channel, the only channel in Canada.
Announcer 2: Previously on Terrance & Phillip: Terrance farted on the American president, but Phillip took the heat. [A shot of Terrance farting on Barack Obama, who appears Canadian onscreen. The boys have a good laugh]
Phillip: [pleading his innocence as a prison guard shoves him into a cell] It wasn't me! [fart. The boys laugh again]
Announcer 2: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Terrance & Phillip: Blood Rage ["Part 2" appears, followed by "Special Presentation"]
Announcer: ...will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this Queef Sisters Special!
APRIL FOOLS! [A kazoo is heard]
Cartman: What?
Announcer 3: The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters. Katherine and Katie Queef. [a shot of them at the beach farting pink queefs] Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out their vaginas. [a shot of them queefing on a unicorn.] It's The Queef Sisters special on Channel Canada.
[A Canadian doctor's clinic. The sisters wait inside, their legs on stirrups. The doctor walks in]
Doctor: Alright Queef Sisters, it's time for your yearly PAP smear and vag exam.
Katie: Alright Doctor.
Katherine: I'm ready, Doctor.
Doctor: [walks over to Katherine] Now I'm just going to check for cysts. [lowers his face and moves in closer for a good look... QUEEF!] Awww! [backs up and hides his face. Katherine begins to laugh. Katie joins in]
Cartman: What the fuck is this?!
Doctor: Now listen heauh! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!
Katherine: I'm sorry, doctor. I had air trapped in my vagina.
Katie: Huhuhuhu!
Doctor: Well just don't let it happen again! Now I'm going to check for cysts. [lowers his head, quickly glances at Katherine, then lowers his head again. QUEEF! The doctor recoils again] Arh! [Katherine laughs, then Katie joins in. The boys watch this special and aren't moved.] Now stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! [goes back between Katherine's legs. QUEEF! The doctor hides his face again and the sisters laugh. The doctor is fed up and throws his notepad away] That's it! No PAP smear for you!
Katherine: But doctor, what if I have cancer?
Doctor: You should have thought of that before you queefed in my face three times! [A shot of the boys confused, with Cartman getting mad]
Butters: They, uh they aren't gonna show part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip show?
Katie: Doctor, my sister is just being difficult. Maybe you can just examine my cervix instead.
Doctor: Well alright, let me check for cysts. [goes over to Katie and lowers his head. QUEEF! He backs out] Nooo! [the sisters laugh] That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! [walks out the door]
Katherine: Oh Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.
Katie: I guess so Katherine.
Cartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
[The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip have just watched the same episode the boys did.]
Phillip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Terrance: Queef Sisters?!
Network President: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.
Terrance: You replaced our show with this?! But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!
Phillip: That's sick!
Network President: You think farts are funny; why not queefs?
Terrance: Because babies come from there!
Network President: Eh, look guys, women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience! You know, women empowerment and the get-go. So we want to try to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gotten stale!
[South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is in the hall talking on his cell phone surrounded by other kids.]
Cartman: No! No! As a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for thirty-five minutes! Well we want some Goddamned answers, that's what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Phillip conclusion, you asshole?!
Wendy: [walks up to Stan] What's going on?
Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network 'cause they put something really gross on TV!
Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air from their vagina into a man's face?! No! No! See, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde: I threw up on my way home.
Cartman: Clyde threw up on his way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?! [more girls begin to appear]
Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman!
Red: What happened?
Butters: They didn't show part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! [crosses his arms] They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! Don't call me buddy! I'm not your buddy! [the girls have heard enough and leave]
Bebe: I can't believe they're this upset.
Red: God, they're annoying!
Annie: I don't even know what a queef is.
Wendy: It's when a woman blows air out her vag, Annie.
Annie: Oh.
Red: You know that girl Samantha Dunskin, she can make herself queef whenever she wants.
Bebe: Really?
Wendy: Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
[meanwhile, just behind them, Cartman has Butters write out a letter as he dictates and paces around the floor]
Cartman: And to that end, by resorting to filth and garbage, the Canada Channel has thusly...
Kyle: Robbed us of our innocence.
Cartman: Yes, that's good.
Butters: [writing left-handed] Robbed us of our innocence... [the girls return]
Wendy: Hey guys, we have a little surprise for you.
Stan: What? [a girl moves to the front of the group, and lets loose a queef into Butters' face. Butters is stunned and tries to get the queef off his face as if it were skunk musk]
Butters: Oh God, oh my God no! [runs down the hall and out the front doors of the school, still screaming and trying to get the queef off, then runs all the way home. He runs in, leaving the front door open and his father puzzled. He runs upstairs and into his room, slamming the door shut.]
Stephen: Butters?
[The Marsh house, later. Randy is talking on the phone, as Sharon listens in, worried.]
Randy: Oh my God, well how is he doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Huh okay, well thank you for telling me, Mr. Stotch, I'll spread the word. Yoeah, you take care. Bye. [hangs up the cordless phone] We need to cancel our plans, Sharon. There's gonna be an emergency all-parent meeting at the school tonight. [starts to go upstairs]
Sharon: Why? What happened?
Randy: [backs down a couple of steps] A girl at school, she... queefed on one of Stan's friends today. [goes on upstairs. She looks on for a few seconds]
Sharon: ...So?
[Stan's room. Stan is sitting at the edge of his bed moping. Randy knocks on the door, then opens it to peek in. He then walks up to Stan and sits next to him on the bed]
Randy: Hey pal. I heard about what happened at school today. You wanna talk about it?
Stan: Butters was just sitting there, Dad. He... he didn't even know it was coming.
Randy: I know, pal. Sometimes... bad things happen to good people. But you know Butters is still Butters, and he needs you guys right now more than anybody.
Stan: It was so gross, Dad, I mean, what if another girl at school tries-?
Randy: Hey, we're getting all the parents together and we're gonna take care of this, okay? Nothing like this will ever happen again.
[South Park Elementary Gymnasium, night. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey wait for all the parents take their seats on the bleachers]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, parents, some of you have already heard, but most of you have not, m'kay? We've had a terrible incident occur at the school. Apparently a young girl uh, went up to a young boy here at the school, m'kay, and queefed in his face. [immediately people begin whispering to each other]
Gerald: How did this happen?
Stuart: Where were the teachers?!
Mrs. Testaburger: Whoa, whoa whoa, wait a minute. Are you saying we're all here just because a girl queefed on a boy?
Man: Just?!
Thomas: We're here to find out why?!
Randy: The question is, how do we send a message to other girls in the school so this doesn't happen again! [more murmuring ensues]
Principal Victoria: Now hold on a minute, I think we're being a little drastic here. You know, I probably see a boy in my office once a week for farting on a girl. [the men look at each other]
Randy: What does that have to do with anything? [the women begin to murmur in reaction to that question]
[Live with Regis and Kelly. The camera pulls back in the sign to reveal the studio audience]
Regis: Our next guests have really taken America by storm. Their hit show is being tuned in by women all over the world. Please welcome the Queef Sisters! [Regis and Kelly stand up to greet the sisters as the sisters go onstage]
Katherine: Oh hello Regis.
Katie: Hello Kelly. [QUEEF. The sisters laugh]
Regis: So, uh, gals, ...you seem to really like queefing.
Katherine: Well Reeg, it's like this: we think that queefing is a perfectly normal female bodily function. Why not have fun with it? [rips out a new queef and laughs. The audience applauds and cheers]
Regis: But I mean really, isn't queefing a bit juvenile?
Katie: Men enjoy farts, so why shouldn't women enjoy their queefs?
Katherine: That's right. We've written all about it in our new feminist book, Eat, Pray, Queef.
Kelly: Well I think that what you gals are doing for the feminist movement is amazing. And that's why women all over America stand behind you. [lets loose a most robust queef]
Regis: D'ohhh! [walks offstage covering his nose as the sisters laugh.]
[The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip are there once again.]
Network President: Terrance and Phillip, you've put on a terrific show for many many years. You've made Canada Channel what it is today. You're fired.
Terrance & Phillip: Fired?!
Network President: Sorry guys, but this queefing thing is really catching on. [grabs some gift-wrapped boxes from under his desk and carries them to Terrance & Phillip.] Queef Sisters' ratings are through the roof, and to pay them what they're asking we've gotta get rid of you. Goodbye. Here's some cookies. [hands them the boxes]
Terrance: Brian, don't do this!
Phillip: You can't let Canada Channel be soiled by that perverse garbage! You know it's sick!
Brian: [prepares himself a drink and walks by his window] Yes, I know it's sick. To be honest, I gag every time one of them lets out a queef. [turns around and glares at the duo] But it's money Goddammit and this channel needs it! I'm sorry, Terrance & Phillip, your show is done!
[The Martha Stewart show.]
Martha: I always love when Spring is on the way. Such a fun and inspiring time to decorate. Just like most women out there I've really gotten into queefing lately. [holds up some scissors and construction paper, and the camera pulls back to reveal her genitalia] It's a lot of fun and interesting ways we can decorate our queefs and just make them more dynamic for the holidays. What we're gonna do is just... cut out some paper... like... this... [snips away] and cut out little stars and little moon shapes, [puts those stars and moons into her vagina] and we're gonna just... jam those... up... and they have custom simple little sparkles from the hobby stores; they come in... little tube which make them very easy to just... [puts the sparkles into the vagina as well] shoot... right up the ol'... there we are.. And of course you can feel free to add little flowers or maybe some festive Easter grass. But the point is that when we're done we can... let one rip. [she queefs and the stars, moons, and sparkles pop out in a fireworks display. She grins] See how pretty that was? It's a good thing.
[the segment ends. Next, the Marsh house, day. The Marshes are enjoying a meal. A small sound is heard and Sharon smiles. Stan and Randy freeze, then Randy looks at Sharon]
Randy: What was that?
Sharon: Oh, excuse me, I... [stifles a giggle] I, I had a little air trapped. [Shelly begins to giggle]
Randy: Oh my God, did you just...? At the table?
Sharon: [chuckles] Pardon me. [Shelly giggles]
Stan: Mom, gross! [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]
Randy: Okay, that's enough, girls! Alright? I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon: [giggles and pats her face down with a napkin] Sorry, it's just ...it's kind of funny how much it bothers you.
Randy: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really funny!
Stan: Stop it, Mom!
Randy: Yeah okay? Let's just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Sharon: [giggling] Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [smiles. The family resumes eating quietly until another queef is heard. Sharon and Shelly crack up while Stan and Randy stare at them]
Randy: Sharon! Marsh!
Sharon: Ex-cuse me.
Shelly: Hey Mom, do you like Australia? 'Cause that was the Great Barrier Queef. [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]
Randy: That's it, I'm leaving! [leaves the table and heads for the front door]
Stan: I'm going too. [follows Randy]
Sharon: Oh! Oh please, Randy! How many times have you farted in bed and held my head under the covers?!
Randy: That's completely different!
Stan: Yeah it's different, Mom!
Sharon: Alright, tell me exactly where the line is. Er, okay, how about this? I have a friend Abbie. She had a baby boy and it farted.
Randy: [giggles a bit] Heh, yeah?
Sharon: But she was actually still pregnant with the baby boy and it farted inside her.
Randy: [giggles with Stan] Yeah?
Sharon: And then the gas from the baby's fart traveled down and shot out her vagina, haHA. [Randy and Stan glare at her]
Randy: Come on Stanley, let's go. [they turn and head out the front door]
Sharon: Oh! Oh, so when does that stop being funny?!
Randy: It stopped being funny the second that air came out her vagina, Sharon! [exits the house and slams the door shut]
[The Queef Sisters' house, living room. Katie is on the sofa putting nail polish on the nails of her left foot]
Katie: Look Katherine, I made queef cookies!
Katherine: But those are just ginger snaps, Katie. [Katie queefs on the cookies and voila! The sisters laugh. The doorbell rings] Could you get that, Katie? [queefs on Katie as Katie walks by to get the front door. They giggle. Katherine opens the door and sees Terrance & Phillip staring at her angrily, with their arms crossed over their chests]
Katie: Oh my God! Look, Katherine! It's Canadian television stars Terrance & Phillip!
Katherine: [jumps to her feet] Oh my God, they're famous! [walks up besides Katie] Well hello sirs! It is such an honor to meet you! Oh Katie, I'm getting all goosebumpy and queefy. [queefs twice. The sisters laugh]
Katie: [queefs] Wooo.
Phillip: May we come in, please?
Katherine: Oh certainly, though I feel we look a mess. [Terrance & Phillip walk in and look around]
Terrance: Very nice place you have here. Network must be paying you well.
Katie: Oho yes, the show is going aboat as well as it could. [queefs]
Terrance: All right, enough with the queefing! We didn't come for a social call!
Phillip: That's right! We've come to kill you! [Terrance pulls out a gun and aims it at them, and they gasp]
Katie: Why kill us? We love you.
Terrance: Because you've reduced Canada Channel to smut and toilet humor!
Katherine: Oh. Well I suppose if we're going to die, we should die by the hands of our idols.
Terrance: Your idols?
Katherine: We grew up watching you. You meant the world to us. We used to fantasize about pleasing you in all different ways. Know that it is an honor to die by your hand. [the sisters shut their eyes and wait to be shot]
Terrance: [turns around] I don't think I can do it, Phillip. [Katie opens her eyes]
Phillip: Why not? [Katherine opens her eyes]
Terrance: Because I'm suddenly finding myself strangely attracted to Katherine.
Phillip: What?! That's crazy, Terrance! Katie is obviously the hot one. [they look over their shoulders at the sisters]
[Butters' bedroom, day. He's in bed with an ice pack tied down around his head]
Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh. [Cartman enters leading the other boys in class. He's carrying a box]
Cartman: Hey Butters. How you holding up, man?
Butters: Oh. Hey fellas.
Cartman: We got you a present, Butters. I'll put it here on your nightstand 'cause none of us want to touch you since you got queefed on.
Butters: Aw thanks.
Stan: Butters, I'm afraid things have gotten worse. All the women suddenly think that... queefing is funny.
Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh!
Kyle: Calm down Butters! The men are taking action. But we need to take your picture.
Butters: My, my picture?
Cartman: You're going to be the face of queef abuse, Butters, so that we can make people open their eyes.
[License place BM 475. The camera pans up to reveal Terrance driving Phillip, Katherine and Katie down a country road. They pass a sign saying "Entering CANADIAN WINE COUNTRY. Over THREE WINERIES to explore." The four continue down the road until they reach Canadian White Wine Winery. They go in and sample the wine. Terrance finishes his glass and farts into it. The two men laugh. The foursome get back on the road. Sometime later, Katie queefs on Terrance]
Terrance: AAH! [the sisters laugh. The foursome then stops at Canadian Red Wine Winery. Inside they sample more wine and a flatulent sound is heard]
Phillip: Dammit I'm trying to enjoy my wine, Katie!
Terrance: No, that was me, Phillip. I farted.
Phillip: Oh. [Both men laugh. The foursome leave and get back on the road. Terrance is still driving. They're all drinking straight from bottles]
Katherine: Oh, this is a dream come true. I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip. [Terrance brakes angrily]
Terrance: Phillip?! I'm Terrance!
Katie: What? I thought you were Terrance.
Phillip: No, I'm Phillip!
Katherine: Oh dear. [they continue down the road, sipping from bottles. Phillip is now driving with Katherine up front while Terrance sits in back with Katie. Katie tosses her bottle back onto the road and starts making out with Terrance.]
[The House of Representatives. Some of the boys, their parents, and South Park Elementary staff are presenting their case]
Stephen: A disgusting, violating trend is taking over our city, our state, our nation. Queefing has become an acceptable evil.
Cartman: Last week at our school, a girl queefed right into our friend's face. That is why we are here to tell you [points to the poster] it's not a joke.
Stan: On television us children are starting to see and hear more and more graphic queefing.
Randy: [walks into view with a mic] I would like to take this opportunity to explain why farts are funny and queefs are not. Men have always joked about farts and we in fact name our farts. We have The Squeaker [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a squeaking fart, then speaks into the mic again] And then there's The Foghorn [moves the mic to his ass and lets out two farts that sound like a foghorn, then speaks into the mic again] and the "Don't be scared" [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a series of farts that sort of sound like "Don't be scared", then speaks into the mic again] and of course there's the-
Woman: Excuse me. [another woman hands her a mic] Well if that really is your argument, it isn't a very sound one. Women name their queefs too.
Other Women: That's right! We do.
Woman: For instance, we have the Sneezing Unicorn. [moves the mic to her vagina and makes it sneeze, then speaks into the mic again] and The Resuscitator [moves the mic to her vagina and makes a sound like an air pump]
Cartman: Sick! Stop it, lady!
Randy: Th-that's not the same! We've got the Chinese Firecracker! [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a sputtering fart that sounds like a Chinese firecracker]
Woman 2: That's all well and good, but we can do the Road Warrior. [moves the mic to her vagina and...]
Road Warrior Queef: Nooo! We go iiin! We kiiill! No more talk! We kiiill! Soon, my dog of war, but we have to do it my way. [switches to another voice] Losers! Losers wait!
Males: [covering their noses] AWWW!
Randy: Jesus Christ!
[The Queef Sisters' house, night. In the dark, Phillip is naked and running away from something. A vase flies at him and shatters against a wall.]
Phillip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?! [evades another vase, which shatters against another wall]
Katherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! [flings a third vase at him]
Phillip: Ugh! You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
Katherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! [a light turns on. Terrance and Katie are in a bed next to them]
Terrance: Could you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here.
Phillip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!
Terrance: SICK!
Katie: Well what's the big deal? I've been queefing in this bed the entire time.
Terrance: What?! Gross! [punches her on the face with his left fist]
Katie: How dare you?! [punches him back]
Katherine: Get out! Get out both of you! [begins pushing Phillip towards the door] We never want to see you again! [kicks his ass. Soon, both men are out of the bedroom]
Terrance: After everything we've been through? [Katie gives them the last push, shuts the door, and sobs. Katherine joins her, they hug each other, and they queef separately]
[The terrace at the Queef Sisters home. Terrance & Phillip stand at the banister, naked and smoking cigarettes.]
Terrance: [sighs] What the hell am I going to do, Phillip? She makes me so mad sometimes.
Phillip: Katherine just won't stop queefing, but I don't know if I can live without her.
[Terrence and Phillip enter the house]
Terrance: Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Phillip: Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you.
Katie: Oh Terrance. [they hug]
Katherine: Phillip! [they hug and move towards Katherine's bed. Each couple starts fucking immediately, with the men on top]
[Stan's house, morning. A rooster crows somewhere. Randy steps out to pick up the newspaper. He yawns and reaches down...]
Randy: [gasps] Oh my God! [the headline reads "QUEEFING BANNED! ROAD WARRIOR QUEEF SEALS IT!"] Ohmygod! Stan! [turns around and closes the door, then runs to the foot of the stairs] Stan, we did it! Colorado Senate moves to ban queefing!
Stan: [coming down the stairs] No way! We did it?! [twirls around] Yeah!!
Randy: Alright son! Yeah!!
Sharon: [coming in from the kitchen with Shelly] What's going on?
Randy: [thrusts the paper in Sharon's face] HA! Read it and weep, Sharon! No more queefing!
Sharon: [resigned] Well, ...congratulations, guys. Looks like you got us. Good job.
Randy: Aw come on. [tries to lighten the mood] Just because you can't queef anymore...
Sharon: You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you? Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys. [begins to sob] For getting your way... again. [she and Shelly turn around and head back to the kitchen]
Stan: Mom, we didn't mean... [he and Randy are stunned. Randy walks to the sofa and sits down.]
Randy: [exhales] Boy oh boy. I think we might have screwed up royal, Stan. [Stan follows him to the sofa and sits next to him]
Stan: Yeah. We all got so caught up in how we felt that we didn't realize... women actually cared about something a lot deeper.
Randy: Stan, let's call the guys together. Maybe we can make this right.
[A recording booth, later. Randy appears alone and starts to sing]
Randy: There's a time in our lives when we must listen to the oppressed.
Randy, Stan: And realize we've been keeping women down.
Mr. Mackey: They have power and they have courage.
Stephen, Butters: And we must all stand by the belief,
Gerald, Kyle: That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef.
The Males: Fly free. Free to queef aloud; fly free. Let every queef show that you’re proud.
Randy: You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief.
The Males: You are woman now, and you are free to queef.
Cartman: It's time for equality. We must give them the respect they deserve.
Mr. Garrison: They're just the same as you and me. Their rights must be preserrrr-r-r-rrrved.
The Males (Randy): Queef free (Queef free). Every woman has the right; queef free (Queef free). Let your queefing stars shine bright.
You are woman, hear you roar (queef free), queefing too loud to ignore. Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight!

Ah-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, queef free.

[Scenes shown during the song: A fire department captain, a car mechanic, a firefighter, a lab technician, a baker, a flight attendant, a doctor, a paramedic, Hillary Clinton, with a queef coming out of her, a dog with five or six puppies at her teats, a pharmacist, a hotel worker, a mother, and an athlete.]
[A Canadian cathedral, day. Inside this magnificent church are Terrance & Phillip and their brides.]
Bishop: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. [Katherine jumps up and queefs on him] Nooo! [the sisters laugh]
Phillip: Stop it, Katherine! This is a serious moment!
Bishop: Therefore what God has joined together let no man- [Terrance jumps up and farts on him. Phillip laughs. Katie jumps up and queefs on Terrance]
Phillip: Aww. sick! [Terrance jumps up and farts on Katie. Phillip laughs. Katherine comes up and queefs on him. He farts on the bishop]
Bishop: That's it! I now pronounce you farts and queefs! [the couples laugh as the bishop quickly leaves, Canadians laugh]
[End of Eat, Pray, Queef.]


  1304: "Eat, Pray, Queef" edit
Story Elements

Samantha DunskinQueef SistersMartha Stewart • "Queef Free"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season

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