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The official script for "Death" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Death
Stan's House.
Marsh Family

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear grandpa...

Marvin "Grandpa" Marsh
Uhhhhh.
Marsh Family

...Happy birthday to you.

Sharon
Now blow out the candles grandpa.
Grandpa blows, but nothing comes out but a low moan.
Sharon
Hurray!!!
Randy
How's it feel to be 102, paps?
Grandpa
Shoot me.
Sharon
Make a wish grandpa.
Grandpa
I wish I were dead
Randy
Ha, ha, ha, that's our silly grandpa.
Grandpa
I'm not being silly! Kill me. I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old.
Sharon
Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?
Shelly
I will.
Randy
Me.
Stan
It's eight o'clock, my favorite TV show is on.
Shelly
That showsh for babiesh, it'sh show shtupid.
Stan
Can I eat my cake in the living room mom? Please, can I?
Sharon
Oh, alright, but take your grandpa with you.
Stan
Aw, dammit!
Sharon
Language.
In front of the TV. Stan has his slice of cake with him.
TV Announcer
And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
Phillip Niles Argyle
Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.
Terrance Henry Stoot
Wait, before you do, pull my thumb.
Phillip pulls, and Terrance lets loose with a juicy fart. They both laugh.
Stan
Heheheh hehehe...
Grandpa
Uhhhhh
Grandpa lines a shotgun up to his face, but it leaves a big hole in the picture behind him when he shoots.
Grandpa
Ah, dammit!
Stan looks at him.
Granpa
How would you like to make a dollar Billy?
Stan
My name's not Billy grandpa, it's Stan.
Grandpa
Dammit Billy, do you want a dollar or don't ya?
Stan
Sure.
Grandpa
Ok. You just have to do one thing for me.
Stan
I'm not gonna kill you grandpa.
Grandpa
Why not?
Stan
'Cause, I'll get in trouble.
Grandpa
I killed my grandpa when I was your age.
Stan
Leave me alone grandpa.
On the TV there's a fart, and more laughter.
Grandpa
What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.
Kyle's House. Ike and Kyle are watching 'Terrance & Phillip'
Phillip
Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too.
Phillip farts, and they laugh.
Terrance
Ohhh, you farted.
Kyle is laughing pretty hard.
Sheila Broflovski
Kyle, bubbe, what are you watching?
Terrance
Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?
Phillip
I sure would Terrance.
Terrance
Alrighty then, here's a two-lip.
Terrance farts, and they laugh.
Sheila
What is this?
Kyle falls off the armchair laughing.
Sheila
It's horrible!
Kyle gets up off the floor.
Kyle
Dude, it's Terrance & Phillip.
Phillip knocks Terrance's head to one side.
Phillip
Take that you stupid dick.
Sheila
What did he say?
Terrance
You're an asshole Phillip.
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat?!!?
Laughter. She turns the set off.
Shiela
Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor!
Kyle
But everybody watches Terrance & Phillip.
Sheila with her arms akimbo.
Sheila
Oh really? Is that so?
Cartman's House.
Terrance
Oh no Phillip, looks like you're about to fart.
Phillip
You're exactly right Terrance. Oh.
Fart. Laughter.
Terrance
Oh no.
Laughter.
Cartman
Ha, ha, ha, that's sweet!
Liane
Eric dear? I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth.
Cartman
That's a bunch of crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Liane
Ohhh, okay hon.
Stan's House. Stan is going to bed, but before entering he reviews his chores for the morrow. Grandpa has added one more...
Stan
I'm not going to kill you grandpa!
Grandpa
Ingrate!
Stan
Good night grandpa.
Grandpa
You pompous son of a whore!
Mr. Garrison's Class.
Student
Huh huh, I had another ...
Cartman punches Kyle on the shoulder.
Kyle
Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Cartman
That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Clyde
Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?
Kyle
Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Cartman
Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Mr. Garrison
Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
Cartman
[Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?
Mr. Garrison
She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
Class
Yeahh, woohoo!
Mr. Hat
Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
That's right Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor.' They don't expand your minds.
Silence.
Mr. Garrison
You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
Kenny walks in.
Mr. Garrison
Kenny, why are you late to class?
Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive Diarrhea, signed -K'
Mr. Garrison
Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.
Addressing the class.
Mr. Garrison
Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
Kenny is waving his hand frantically.
Mr. Garrison
Yes Kenny, what is it?
Kenny
(I have to go pee.)
Mr. Garrison
I thought you just came from the bathroom.
Kenny
(I did, I gotta go again...)
Mr. Garrison
Okay okay, go ahead.
Kenny goes in the restroom.
Mr. Garrison
As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
Throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny moans loudly. Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture.
Stan
Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there Kenny!
Mr. Garrison
Pay attention children!
Pounds on the lectern.
Mr. Garrison
I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever.
Cartman
What?
Clyde
Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever?
Kyle's face drops.
Mr. Garrison
That's right children. Are there any questions?
Stan raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison
Yes, Stanley?
Stan
Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?
After a moment of reflection.
Mr. Garrison
What, what do you mean?
Stan
My grandpa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should.
Kyle
Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna.
Stan
Really??
Kyle
Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all.
Stan
Wow!
Cartman
Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!
Stan
So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole.
Kenny
(Oh my God!)
Kenny runs into the bathroom and releases a large splatter of diarrhea.
Kenny
(Owww!) [Splatterrrrr!]
School Cafeteria.
Cartman
Man! I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance & Phillip today. I think I'm already having withdrawal.
He starts convulsing and making seizure related sounds.
Stan
Don't worry dude, we can all go watch it at my house. My parents don't get home until late.
Kyle
But won't your grandpa be there?
Stan
Yeah...
Cartman
Just kill 'im dude, maybe he'll give you some money.
Chef
Hello there children.
Stan
Hey Chef.
Chef
How's it goin'?
Stan
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Stan
Chef, is it okay to kill your grandpa?
Chef
You can't kill my grandpa Stan, he's already passed on.
Stan
No, I mean, kill my grandpa.
Chef
No, I don't think that's okay Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal.
Stan
See, I told you dude.
Kyle
Well, yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die, cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?
Cartman
Yeah, like assisted suicide. What about that?
Stops himself twice before responding
Chef
I don't want to touch that with a forty foot pole.
Stan
What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this.
South Park PTA Meeting.
Sheila
And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean.
She puts the tape in and starts the VCR.
Terrance
Hey Phillip, guess what?
Phillip
What?
Rips a fart.
Terrance
Fart.
Sheila
Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny.
Randy
Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh.
Other PTA members stare at Randy in shock. He looks around chagrined.
Sheila
Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor...
Loud, juicy fart comes from the little boys room. Mr. Garrison exits.
Mr. Garrison
Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters.
Amid peals of laughter.
Townsman
Ha ha, green apple splatters.
Stan's House.
Grandpa
Uhhhh.
Stan
Hi grandpa, I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay.
Grandpa
Billy, help grandpa stick this fork in the outlet.
Stan
No grandpa, I'll get in trouble.
Grandpa
Kill me, God dammit!
Stan
No, I can't even kill a deer.
Grandpa
Well then, have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me can't ya?
Cartman
I would never kill somebody... not unless the piss me off.
Seizing the opportunity.
Grandpa
Ohh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
Cartman
What!
Grandpa
That's right.
Stan
Grandpa!
Grandpa
And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
Cartman
Hey!
Grandpa
Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.
Cartman
You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
Grandpa
That's the spirit Tubby.
Restraining Cartman.
Stan
Come on Cartman, he's just trying to get to you.
Cartman
Don't talk about my mom like that!
Dragging Cartman away.
Stan
We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.
Grandpa
I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, Fatso?
Cartman
Ah, I can't believe that son of a bitch!
Stan
Here Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes.
Cartman
Oooh, Snacky Cakes, god dang.
Stan
I don't know what to do dude, my grandpa really wants to die.
Kyle
I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance.
Stan
Hey, yeah!
Stan's House, kitchen.
TV Announcer
And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access.
Jesus
Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Jesus presses a button on the phone.
Jesus
First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'.
There's an echo.
Caller
Yeah, is this Jesus?
Jesus
Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback.
Caller
Oh, sorry.
Caller fixes the echo.
Caller
Uh, this is Martin...
Jesus
Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know.
Martin
How the hell'd you know that?
Jesus
Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?
Martin
Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and-
Jesus
Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance.
Martin
Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus.
Jesus presses a button on the phone.
Jesus
Next caller, you're on the air.
Stan
Jesus?
Jesus
Yes my son?
Stan
Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?
Jesus
My son...
Stan
Yes?
Jesus
I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
He presses a button on the phone.
Jesus
Next caller.
Stan
Goddammit!
Jesus
I heard that.
Stan
What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Cartman
Hey you guys, Terrance & Phillip is on!
Kyle
Yeah, hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?
Stan
Kyle, don't be such a butt-hole!
Cartman
Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer.
Kyle
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman
Oh, biiitch.
Turns around and hoists his ass up to simulate a woman with a big ass.
Cartman
Your—mom—is--a--bi-bi-bii-biittchh.
TV Announcer
And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
Terrance
Hey Phillip, would you like to eat some beans.
Phillip
Oho yeah, I love beans.
Cartman
Uh oh, I bet I know what's coming.
Grandpa
Billy, would you mind holding this for grandpa please?
Stan
Okay grandpa, okay, just get out of the way of the TV.
Terrance
Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart.
Phillip
Well, don't fart on me Terrance.
Cartman
Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again.
Kenny
(Oh my God!)
Kenny runs to the bathroom.
Cartman
Hey, you're gonna miss it Kenny.
After receiving the dreaded fart.
Phillip
You're such an asshole, Terrance.
Terrance
Haha, that I am!
Laughter.
Disgusting diarrhea sounds.
Kenny
(Ow!)
Cartman
Hurry up Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart.
Shelly
Jesus! What the hell are you doing?
Stan
We're not watching Terrance & Phillip, I swear. I, I mean, Cartman was watching it.
Shelly
No, I mean, what the hell are you doing to grandpa?!
Stan traces the rope and realizes that Grandpa has hung himself, but hasn't died.
Grandpa
Tug - a - little harder, Billy.
Stan
Aaah!!
Releases the rope. Grandpa falls to the ground, landing on his side.
Grandpa
Uh, ow.
Shelly
You little jerk!
Slugs Stan in the face
Shelly
You were trying to kill grandpa! I'm telling mom!
Grandpa
Dammit! I was so close.
Some time later the kids are the ones on television.
TV Announcer
Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather.
Talk Show Host
Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?
Stan
We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and...
Talk Show Host
Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame.
In front of Tom's Rhinoplasty.
Sheila
These boys minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!
Crowd
Woooo!
Townsman
Huh? Oh god! Oh god!
Runs into a Port-a-Potty for some quick relief.
Sheila
We have to stop this smut from going on the air. We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met. New York, here we come!
Sound of a deep, wet, sonorous fart.
In front of Cartoon Central.
Cartoon faces of Tragedy and Comedy adorn the signs.
Sheila
We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children!
Loud cheering from the crowd.
Sheila
We want more quality television, like Full House.
More cheering.
In line to use the Port-a-Potty.
Randy
Oh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.
The Mayor exits the Port-a-Potty.
Randy
Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Mayor McDaniels
I just had a brown baby boy.
Laughter.
Stan's House, in disarray. Kyle is jumping on the sofa, Stan and Cartman are tossing the football, and Kenny is flying a kite.
Stan
Dude, this is sweet, not having parents around.
The others scramble to the sofa and start jumping.
Kyle
Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever.
All
Whoopeee!
Grandpa
Come here Billy, I want to show you something.
Stan
Aww, do I have to?
Grandpa
Yes you do, you little pecker! I realized that the reason you won't kill me...
Stan jumps off and follows Grandpa towards his room.
Grandpa
...is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy, but now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be a grandpa.
They both enter, Grandpa shuts the door.
Stan
Hey, what are you doing?!
Grandpa loads a cassette into a tape player.
Outside the room with Kenny and Cartman
Kyle
What are they doing in there?
Cartman
I don't know.
Grandpa
Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready Billy?
Stan
Uh, I guess.
Grandpa starts the tape, which plays a bit of Muzak that evokes Enya's 'Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)'
Stan
Okay, you, you can let me out now.
Grandpa
Not just yet.
He turns up the volume.
Stan
Let me out grandpa!
Stan tries to open the door.
Stan
I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time.
Singer
Grandpa
That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grandpa.
Stan falls out of the room, looking very haggard.
Singer

'Gonna fly, gonna fly, gonna fly'

Grandpa turns off the radio and follows.
Stan
Eh, grandpa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand.
Grandpa
So now will you kill me Billy?
Stan
Sure I will grandpa, I will.
In front of Cartoon Central, New York.
Liane
Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working.
Sheila
It'll work, it has to.
Townsman
Look! It's the president of the network.
John Warzog
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warzog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.
He clears his throat a couple of times.
John Warzog
Fuck you.
A slight pause.
John Warzog
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.
He turns back towards the building.
Sheila
Hey, you will not get away with this!
He moons the crowd. They gasp in shock. He goes inside and shuts the door.
Sheila
That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'.
Liane
Ohho, Carol, where are the Porto-Potties?
Sheila
Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool?
Liane
[Lustily.] Ohhh, yes, indeedy.
They laugh.
Outside of Stan's house.
Stan
Okay grandpa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest. [To Kyle.] You got the cow all tied up?
Kyle
Yep, all done.
Stan
'Kay, come on guys.
The boys struggle to lift the cow over grandpa's head.
Cartman
Why don't we just shoot him?
Stan
You dumbass Cartman, it has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted.
Kyle
Yeah, stupid!
Grandpa
That's good Billy, a little higher now.
Cow
Moooo!
In front of Cartoon Central.
Sheila
The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready?
Mr. McCormick positions himself in front of a large sling shot.
Sheila
Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!
Mr. McCormick is flung into the front of the Cartoon Central building, splattering into bloody death. The crowd gasps.
Sheila
We will all follow suit, one by one if that's what it takes.
Sounds of abdominal pain as people line up to the Porto-potties.
Outside of Stan's house somewhere.
Stan
Are you ready grandpa?
Grandpa
Does the pope crap in the woods?
Officer Barbrady drives up. He is staring at the scene of a cow dangling above Grandpa by a rope. Stan stands off to the side, knife in hand, ready to cut the rope.
Police Radio
7 Mary 5, code 6 - 105 North Avenue 52.
Cow
Mooo!
Officer Barbrady
Carry on.
He starts the car back up and drives away.
Stan
Ok, here we go. Bye grandpa, it was nice knowing you.
Grandpa
Uhh, cut the damn rope already!
Sounds of thunder. Lightning flashes. Death appears and disappears.
Stan
What is that?!
Kyle
Well, it, it looks like...
All
Death!
Death
Mrrrrr!
He points at them.
Grandpa
It's about time you lazy-ass son of a whore.
Death approaches grandpa.
Grandpa
Come on, let's go.
Death continues past grandpa, towards the kids.
Grandpa
What the...?
Stan
Hey, he's coming towards us.
Kyle
Why is Death coming after us?
Death
Mrrr.
Kids
Ahhh!
The kids run into Stan's house and towards his room, Death in hot pursuit. Stan struggles to open the door.
Cartman
Aaaah, runrunruuun!
They enter the room. Stan bars the door with his body.
Death
Mrrr.
Death bangs on the door.
Kyle
What are we gonna do?
Death
Mooorrrr!
In front of Cartoon Central.
Newscaster
As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors.
Sheila
Here Carol, I think it's your boy.
Sharon
Oh thanks. What is it Stanley-hon, did you break something?
Stan
Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!
Sharon
Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there.
Stan
Yeah, but, mom!
Sharon
Here honey, talk to your father.
Randy
Did you turn the heat down?
Stan
Dad, Death is coming!
Randy
Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather.
He hangs up.
Stan's room. Death is trying to enter.
Death
Mrrrr!
Stan
Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place.
Kyle
Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids.
Kenny
(You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)
Kyle
Totally dude.
Stan
Good point man.
Death
Mrrrr!
Death cuts through the door with his scythe.
Stan
Ahhhh!
Kyle
Quick, jump through the window.
Cartman
Ehh, eh, ehhhh!
Kenny pushes Cartman out the window and follows.
Death
Mrrrr!
South Park Main Street.
Kids
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Death is following the kids on a tricycle. Grandpa tries to keep up on his electric wheelchair.
Grandpa
Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
Kids
Aaaah!
Kyle sees Death close to Kenny.
Kyle
Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Grandpa
Come over here you son of a whore!
Death ignores him, but something in T.V. World makes Death take a second look. Terrance and Phillip are on TV floating in spacesuits. There are seven screens - a giant central one flanked by three smaller ones on each side.
Phillip
Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?
Terrance
Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check?
Farts. Canned laughter.
Phillip
Oh, you farted.
Death laughs.
Terrance
Ohho God.
Death is laughing uncontrollably.
Terrance
Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?
Phillip
No Terrance, why don't you tell me?
Terrance
Well, it smells like, a dirty fart!
Laughter. Death laughs.
Stan
[Noticing.] Hey look!
After Terrance farts.
Phillip
Oh, there's one.
The kids go back to watch the show with Death. They are all laughing.
In front of Cartoon Central.
Newscaster
Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is...
He puts his hand to his earphone.
Newscaster
Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!
The door to Cartoon Central opens. The president emerges wearing a gas-mask.
Townsman
Wait, wait.
John Warzog
Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces ... has worked.
Shot of a large pile of crap lying in front of the two Porto-potties.
John Warzog
Therefore, today we will be officially taking Terrance & Phillip off the network and replacing it with reruns of She's the Sheriff, starring Suzanne Sommers.
The crowd cheers.
John Warzog
Now get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you!
The crowd continues to cheer.
Townsman
Huh, oh no!
He is launched, and he leaves a bloody mess on the sign.
Sheila
At last, now we can return to normality.
Television store in downtown South Park.
Terrance
Hey Phillip.
Phillip
Yes Terrance?
Terrance
Is there a penny stuck in my butt?
Phillip
Well I don't know, Terrance, let me check.
Cartman
Uh oh, don't look there, Phillip, you're gonna get farted on.
Static appears on the TV, and then a new screen comes up.
TV Announcer
We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.
Loud Static. Death is upset and resumes his mission.
Death
Mrrrrr!
Kids
Ahhh!
South Park Main Street. Death turns and touches Kenny, and Kenny falls over, dead.
Kyle
Oh my God, they killed Kenny. You Bastard!!!
Stan
Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time.
Grandpa
Hey, you were supposed to kill me!
Death
Mrrr.
Grandpa
That's not fair, Goddammit! My grandpa asked me to kill him and I did it.
Death points a cold finger up the street. From a misty haze emerges an incredibly haggard looking ghost of a man.
Stan
Whoa!
Great-Great-Grandpa
Billllyyyy...
Grandpa
Grandpa?
Great-Great-Grandpa
That's right, Billy.
Grandpa
My name's not Billy, grandpa. And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?
Great-Great-Grandpa
I asked you to kill me Billy, but I was wrong. And now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo.
Grandpa
Limbo?
Great-Great-Grandpa
I was wrong to put you in that position Billy, just like you're wrong to put Little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. You must wait to die of natural causes.
Grandpa
But I've been waiting for 25 years.
Great-Great-Grandpa
Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo. Natural causes Billy, natural causes...
Death, Great-great-grandpa and Kenny's ghost fade away into the mist.
Stan
Come on you guys, let's go home.
A rat comes up and takes Kenny's corpse away.
Stan's House.
Sheila
Here they are!
Randy
Well, we did it son, we fought a battle for your well being, and won.
Stan
What do you mean?
Sharon
We got Terrance & Phillip taken off the air.
Cartman
You son of a bitch, your mom sucks!
Sheila
But look what they put on.
Turns on the TV.
TV Announcer
And now back to She's the Sheriff.
Cartman
Ohhh, God, No!
Suzanne Somers
You are the one behind all these shenanigans.
Dude
Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it.
Sheila
What did he say?
Suzanne
Up yours, butt-munch.
Sheila
Whatwhatwhaaat!!!
She turns on her heel and takes up her sign.
Sheila
Come on everybody, back to New York!
The Marshes follow her out the door.
Kyle
Hey Stan, now that Terrance & Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment?
Stan
I don't know. We, we could start breathing gas fumes.
Cartman
My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool.
Kyle
Hey, why don't we watch some of those porno movie thingies?
Stan
Cool!
Cartman
Yeah!
Grandpa wheels up wearing a touristy shirt, carrying an Africa brochure.
Stan
What are you doing grandpa?
Grandpa
I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know that over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?
Stan
That's my silly grandpa.
All laugh. Kyle farts.
End of Death


  106: "Death" edit
Story Elements

Death (character)Marvin MarshStan MarshCartoon Central • "Gonna Fly"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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