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Dead Celebrities/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski
  • An Officer
  • Announcer
  • Dr. Carroll
  • Dr. Land
  • Dr. Phillips
  • Flight Attendant
  • Man 1
  • Man 2
  • TAPS (Jason, Grant, Kris, and another member)
  • The Tiny Miss Pageant Judge, Contestants, and their Moms
    • Brandy's Mom
    • Jessica's Mom
    • Heidi and her Mom
    • Kylie and her Mom
    • Lady Judge
    • MC
  • The Dead Celebrities and the Purgatorial Plane
    • Billy Mays
    • David Carradine
    • Bea Arthur
    • DJ AM
    • Ed McMahon
    • Farrah Fawcett
    • Michael Jackson
    • Patrick Swayze
    • Walter Cronkite

Script

[The Broflovski house, night]
Gerald: [voice over] You have been very very naughty! [a shot of Kyle's parents having sex in bed] You're a naughty girl! [begins to grunt with every thrust]
Sheila: Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty! [joins in the grunting for a few seconds] Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh! [their bedroom door opens]
Gerald: [quickly turns around and faces the door] What the?! ...Ike! [Ike is at the bedroom entrance looking scared. He's dragging a puppy plushie around] Ike, get back to bed right now!
Ike: I'm scared. There's a ghost.
Gerald: Uh not this again. [angrily] Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts!
Ike: But Daddy I saw the-
Gerald: No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got it?! [Ike turns left and walks out of view, his head hanging]
Sheila: Gerald, what has gotten into him?
Gerald: [sighing] Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he he's just freaked himself out.
[Ike's room, moments later. The moon fills the room with dim light and a tree outside the window casts a moving shadow onto Ike's bed. Ike sits in his bed nervously. He looks outside the window, and the tree's branches rap at his window in the high wind. Ike looks around and shuts his eyes. His mobile playset begins to turn slowly. A loud sound wakes Ike and then he gasps. A ghost makes its way towards the window from outside, passes through it slowly, then lunges at him. As soon as the ghost is at the foot of the bed, it becomes recognizable as Billy Mays, the late TV pitchman.]
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser.
Ike: AAAAAAAAA!
Billy Mays: Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? Don't just rub 'em, Megascrub 'em!
Ike: Billy Mays, NO! [jumps out of bed and runs into his closet. The camera pans out...]
Billy Mays: [...and Billy is in the closet too] Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.
Ike: [runs out of the closet, through his room, and into the hallway.] MMOOMMMYYY! [runs towards the stairs and passes another room. Another celebrity appears in the entrance] AAAAAA! Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett! [runs to a door opposite the room and opens it. A man appears hanging from the ceiling in that room, wearing fishnet stockings] AAAAAA! David Carradine! [runs away from that room and heads for the stairs, but stops in his tracks and gasps]
Billy Mays: [walking up the stairs] Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It, the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again. [Ike backs away towards his room]
Ike: NOOOOO!
Kyle: [comes out of his room] Ike! Ike, what?!
Ike: Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away! [Kyle looks, but nothing is there] Make him stop! [buries his face in Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him] Make him stop, Kyle!
[The office of one D. Land, Ph. D., Psychiatrist, day. Inside, the psychiatrist has Ike on a couch and is trying to get him to open up]
Dr. Land: Now Ike, your family is very worried about you. Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist. Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay.
Ike: No, it's... it's a secret.
Dr. Land: Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else.
Ike: [turns his head to the right to look at the doctor] I see dead... ce-le-bri-ties.
Dr. Land: You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news?
Ike: I see them walking around. They talk to me.
Dr. Land: Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?
Ike: Just Ed McMahon. [Ed McMahon's ghost looks at Ike over Dr. Land's right shoulder, then turns right and walks off]
Dr. Land: How often do you see dead celebrities?
Ike: All the time. [blinks a few times]
[Cartman's house, day. Cartman has the remote control and is flipping through channels]
Cartman: 'Sup, Jew?
Kyle: Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's still seeing dead celebrities.
Cartman: HA! What a dumbass! [Kenny mumbles a question]
Kyle: I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He was screaming the name "Billy Mays" over and over again.
Cartman: Billy Mays? Billy Mays?! [hops off the sofa] Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?
Stan: Dude, I don't even know who that is.
Cartman: The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy? He died four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh for the love of Christ, here! [quickly flips through the channels until a Billy Mays commercial appears] Here here! This, this is him!
[Commercial. Mays is in a laundry room]
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle [shows off two Chipotle burritos], but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your underwear [shows off bloodstained underwear].
Man 1: [holding a burrito in his right hand] I love Chipotle. But getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear is a nightmare. [a shriek is added for emphasis]
Billy Mays: [now near a washer and dryer] Well now there's a product that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear. Chipotl-away. [shows off the bottle, which says Chipotlaway. What follows is a demonstration of how the product works] Just one Chipotle burrito [shown] can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood [a quarter cup of red liquid is poured onto the briefs], but Chipotl-away [a couple of squirts of it makes the liquid vanish] makes your underwear clean [a towel is used to remove the liquid and product] and ready for more. [a man is shown stocking up on briefs, but they slip from his arms] Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new. [a pair of black hands smooths some briefs out over a table, then puts the Chipotle burrito on it] Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of it.
Man 2: [leans down towards the burrito and smiles at the camera] Mmm, Chipotle. [gives a thumbs up and begins to eat off his underwear]
Billy Mays: Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want [two women eat burritos on a park bench.], and still have underwear that sparkles and shines [one of the women holds up a pair of clean panties, which sparkle and shine]. Order right now!
[TV promo.]
Cartman: That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time.
Kyle: What?! Are you serious?!
Cartman: Look Kyle, if there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest, then I wanna help however I can.
Kyle: Dude, why the hell would you DO that?!
Cartman: Because he was a great person, Kyle.
Kyle: NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?!
Cartman: ...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just who to call...
[An episode of Ghost Hunters.]
Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters [a cemetery is shown]: a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities. [a shot of Ike floating across the screen, with various backdrops behind him] Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the gayest show in the fucking world; Ghost Hunters!
Jason: Alright, tell us what we got this week, Kris.
Kris: We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm-
Jason: Wait, what? What was that? What was that?
Grant: I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop*
Jason: Is there a ghost here?
[TAPS heads out to South Park in two SUVs.]
Jason: Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts?
Kris: Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them.
Jason: Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there look. What is that? What is that?
Grant: I think that's just a cigarette lighter.
Jason: Oh, right, okay. May be.
[TAPS has made it to South Park. They are in the Broflovski house at night, in the dark. No lights are on except for flashlights]
Jason: We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that?
Kyle: What was what?
Jason: Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that?? [a shot of the Broflovskis living room TV]
Grant: I'm pretty sure that's their television.
Jason: Oh man I am really scared. [looks at his groin. Grant's flashlight and the camera quickly aim at it] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this? What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants! [he peed his pants]
Grant: I see it!
Jason: W... what is it?!
Grant: Oh God I'm so scared! [begins to whimper] I'm so scared.
Jason: Look! Look, it's got you too! [points to Grant's groin, then says to the cameraman] Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity!
Grant: It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh. [the urine reaches the floor and starts spreading out]
Jason: Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you getting this??
Stan: Are you guys fucking serious?
Jason: Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind behind both of us! [such melodrama!]
Grant: Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my pants now. [Well...]
Jason: Oh it smells!
[The Broflovski house, outside. The front door opens and the four ghost hunters run out screaming]
TAPS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
[The Broflovski house, inside. The lights are back on. Ike hangs his head and walks off to his left, sighing. He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs. Kyle follows him and sits next to him]
Kyle: Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothing for you to be afraid of.
Billy Mays: [his ghost suddenly appears with a new pitch] Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station.
Kyle: It's all just in your head, Ike.
Billy Mays: The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders
Ike: AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!! [the other boys look at each other]
[Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike is in a recovery room while the older boys wait in the lobby on red couches]
Kyle: I just... don't understand it.
Stan: It's gonna be alright, Kyle.
Kyle: But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?
Cartman: Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it doesn't matter.
Kyle: But of course it matters, because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear. [to Stan] Do you understand this?
Stan: Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood.
Cartman: Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.
Dr. Carroll: Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to have sent him into some kind of coma.
Stan: Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts?
Dr. Carroll: Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things. [Dr. Phillips, a female, walks in and addresses the boys]
Dr. Phillips: The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never sensed anything like it. [Stan and Kyle look at each other as Dr. Carroll walks away] I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory.
Kyle: Purgatory? What's that?
Dr. Phillips: [steps closer to the boys] Sometimes when people die, they can't quite accept what has happened to them. And so before they reach the afterlife, they go to a place called "purgatory." It is a temporary plane of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet. It's like, a terrifying limbo.
Cartman: [concerned] Oh my God... poor Billy Mays...
[Ike's room. Dr. Phillips turns on the various monitors to measure Ike's vital signs... and to call out the ghosts]
Dr. Phillips: I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known. [the needles on an Ectograph 500 begin to move back and forth, producing some readings]
Billy Mays: [only his voice is heard] Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product.
Cartman: Billy Mays! [makes his way to the front of the group] It's him!
Billy Mays: Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?
Cartman: Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays!
Walter Cronkite: No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us!
Dr. Phillips: To which celebrity am I addressin' now?
Walter Cronkite: This, is Walter Cronkite.
Dr. Phillips: All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.
Farrah Fawcett: We know that!
DJ AM: Yeah! Of course we know that!
Patrick Swayze: There's only one person here who's not cooperating!
Walter Cronkite: That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down!
Michael Jackson: ...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead.
Stan: Uh oh.
Walter Cronkite: You are dead!
Michael Jackson: No, I just have a skin condition.
Dr. Phillips: Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead.
Kyle: What?
Dr. Phillips: He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or you're gonna lose your little brother.
Kyle: Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory.
Michael Jackson: Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm white.
Kyle: Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems.
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper.
The Boys (except Cartman) and Dr. Phillips: Shut up, Billy Mays!
Stan: You're dead, Mr. Jackson!
Michael Jackson: No, that's, that's just ignorant.
Stan: Accept it! [the various machines start convulsing and sparking]
Michael Jackson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Phillips: He's in too much denial! [a ball of plasma condenses in front of her and shoves her out a window on the top floor of the hospital.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [She flies through the air across the street and lands a half block away in the middle of another street. She dies on impact. The boys then gather around Ike and pull the wires off his face]
Kyle: Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please! [Ike's eyes slowly open] Eh there you go. That's good. [Ike looks around] Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother.
Ike: [with Michael Jackson's voice] Nooo. No, that's ignorant. [the boys' jaws drop] Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive.
Kyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?!
Ike: Wee, I'm a child! [jumps up] I knew I was a child. See? Come on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree! [jumps off the bed and runs out of the room]
Kenny: (Holy shit, dude!)
Kyle: Comoe back here! [the boys give chase]
[A park across the street from Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike runs to a tree in the park and tries to climb it]
Kyle: Hey! Heeey!
Ike: Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee!
Stan: Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is not your body!
Ike: Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play! [hops off the tree trunk and starts dancing] Hee! Hee hee! [begins to moonwalk] Hee hee hee! [arrives at the swing set and hops on a swing]
Kyle: Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory!
Cartman: Including the late and very talented Billy Mays!
Ike: No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do this? [hops off the swing and dances some more] Hoo! Dawdaby daw! Shamon! [Kyle looks at his friends and leads them away out of Ike's earshot]
Kyle: What the hell are we going to do??
Ike: [still dancing] Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee!
[The Plane of Purgatory]
Ed McMahon: Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?!
Passengers: Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on!
Flight Attendant: [into an intercom mic] Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least another 96 hours
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!
DJ AM: Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man!
Flight Attendant: We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but for now you have to stay on this one.
Walter Cronkite: That's it! I have to go to the bathroom!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened!
Walter Cronkite: You've been saying that for three months now! [sits back down]
[The four boys are now in Stan's room, and Stan is browsing around for information]
Stan: Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts... [Kenny makes a comment] ...setting traps for ghosts, no...
Kyle: [still trying to make sense of Cartman's ...problem] Okay, here's the one part that really makes no sense to me: [puts both his hands on the table and spreads his fingers out] the first time you saw blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed?
Cartman: [rolls his eyes up in thought] Was I alarmed? [closes his eyes] Yes. [opens them and looks at Kyle] I believe I was.
Kyle: So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as Chipotaway?
Cartman: [correcting him] Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry. [Kyle's jaw drops in alarm]
Kyle: Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your underwear?
Cartman: Yes!
Kyle: And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more?
Cartman: Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal! [Kyle puts his hands down below the table] People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy with the golden butthole! [points to Stan]
Stan: Here here here it is: possession by a ghost. A ghost that enters and then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be.
Kyle: What has Michael Jackson always tried to be?
Cartman: A child... and a female. And white.
Ike: Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee.
Stan: So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl.
Kyle: Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants? [Kyle looks at his friends, then down at the floor. His friends look at each other. Yes, Kyle...]
[A Holiday Inn, day, at Lynchburg. "Lynchburg Welcomes The Tiny Miss Pageant". Inside, the contestants are being introduced. The stage is small, with two bouquets of flowers with balloons attached, one at each end of the stage.]
MC: Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica. [Jessica comes out wearing lots of makeup, a big head of hair, and a pink pageant dress. There's a smattering of applause]
Jessica's Mom: [clapping] Alright Jessica! Woohoo! [Jessica stops and shows off to the audience]
MC: Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy [who comes out in a yellow dress]
Brandy's Mom: Yeah Brandy! Work it girl!
MC: Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine.
Brandy's Mom: [whispering loudly] Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy. [Brandy dutifully blows a kiss to the judges and grins. A balding judge grabs the kiss with his left hand, then reaches down to his groin with that hand and begins to masturbate. Brandy steps off the stage and walks away]
MC: And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike walks on stage in a small pink dress and blond wig]
Kyle: Go on by, Michael. [Kenny mumbles something]
Cartman: Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it!
Stan: Yeahhhh!
MC: Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant.
Ike: Ignorant.
Cartman: God I hope this works.
[Purgatory. The celebrities are still waiting to take off to the next plane]
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-
Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!
Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!
David Carradine: That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some Goddamned answers!
Walter Cronkite: Why isn't anybody telling us anything?!
Pilot: Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.
Walter Cronkite: Well it's about fucking time!
Pilot: Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more available.
DJ AM: But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We should be able to move on now!
Flight Attendant: Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the gate.
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!
[Tiny Miss Pageant, later]
Ike: Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me.
Stan: [approaching the judges' table] Excuse me, uh, if you could do us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really important.
Kylie's Mom: It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face.
Kylie: Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants. [another contestant is dancing onstage in a cheerleading outfit. She finishes her routine on her knees. The male judge on the right is taking pictures while the one on the left is masturbating even harder. The lone female judge is just evaluating as usual]
MC: All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us. [Ike steps onto the stage again and sings]
Ike: I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.
And I know you all want to be a little white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee. [begins to moonwalk] Hohhh
[the male judges are masturbating furiously]
Stan: Dude, the two male judges love her.
Kenny: (Yeah.) [the doors fly open and a bunch of police officers stream in...]
An Officer: All right, that's about enough! [...and haul away the male judges. The female judge looks on somewhat bewildered]
Kyle: Aww crap!
Cartman: Hey, what the F?!
[Tiny Miss Pageant, later]
MC: All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores.
Kyle: We're totally screwed! [Brandy and her mom walk by. Brandy's actually a redhead] They took the two best judges away!
Stan: Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring the entire time.
Heidi's Mom: You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you.
Kyle: Aw dide, this is hopeless!
Kenny: (Son of a stinking bitch!)
Cartman: Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge. [a shot of the judge] She's eating Chipotle.
Kyle: [not making the connection] So what?!
Cartman: So maybe she doesn't know. [grabs Kyle by his coat collar] Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am, I see you're eating Chipotle.
Lady Judge: Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except I-... [looks down in embarrassment]
Cartman: Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear?
Lady Judge: How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter. [turns her back to him] I'm just gonna have to give it up.
Cartman: What if you didn't have to give it up?
Lady Judge: Excuse me?
Cartman: I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today.
[Tiny Miss Pageant, even later]
MC: And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike looks around gratefully as the audience applauds. The judge and the MC approach him. The judge gives him the crown and the MC gives him the trophy. The boys congratulate him]
Kyle: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah!
Stan: Woohoo!
Cartman: Good job Ike! [one of the contestants stomps her foot and cries, then walks off stage]
Heidi: [passing by the audience chairs] I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy. [her mom stops for a moment and slaps her across the face]
Ike: Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won, this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally at rest! I'm free! [Ike passes out standing up with his mouth open wide and Michael's ghost rises out of him, with a ghostly trophy. The judge and MC notice something and look up. Ike wakes up, shakes his head, and looks at himself. Then, in his regular voice] Holy shit! What the heck am I wwwearing?
Kyle: Ike! [runs up to him. The other boys follow] Ike, you're back!
Ike: Kyle, what the heck is going on?
Kyle: It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay.
Cartman: Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can now rest.
[Back in purgatory, a woman yawns]
Michael Jackson: Wee, I'm free! I'm free! [floats down into his seat]
Farrah Fawcett: Hey he's here! He's here!
Bea Arthur: Oh, finally.
Others: He's here! He's back!
Flight Attendant: All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on. [everyone claps]
Michael Jackson: Did you all see my crown? [the plane finally rises up and away]
Billy Mays: Finally! Finally we can all move on!
[Hell. The purgatory plane alights here]
Flight Attendant: All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate.
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!
[End of Dead Celebrities.]


  1308: "Dead Celebrities" edit
Story Elements

Billy MaysChipotlawayMichael JacksonPurgatoryGhost HuntersChipotle Mexican Grill • "Just a Little Girl"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Thirteenth Season

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