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The official script for "Damien" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Damien
Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out.
Cartman
Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...
Kyle
What is this, Cartman?
Cartman
They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
Stan
Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?
Cartman
Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday...
Kyle
Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.
Cartman
That's right.
Stan
Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too.
Cartman
That's ri-aayy.
Pip
Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman
[darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!
Pip smiles hopefully.
Cartman
I shoved it up my ass!
Pip's hopes are dashed.
Cartman
Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!
moves on
Cartman
Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...
Mr. Garrison
[excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day.
Cartman
No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
Mr. Garrison
I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.
Cartman
Eeeeeeh!
Mr. Garrison
Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid] uh-uh, what's your name again?
New kid
Damien!
Ominous Voice

Rectus...dominus...

Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils.
Mr. Garrison
Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien?
Damien Thorn
The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison
Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.
Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside.
Damien
My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!
Ominous Voice

... rectus... cheesy poofs...

Mr. Garrison
Your father?
Damien
The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison
Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.
Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman.
Mr. Garrison
Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...
Cartman
Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?
Damien
Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
Cartman
Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?
Ominous Voice

Rectus... dominus...

Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor.
Cartman
Byah. Oof!
The desk goes out the window. The class sits up.
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Ominous Voice

Sancti...

Kyle
Damn, what a freak!
Cartman
[Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!
Ominous Voice

Cheesy poofs...

Damien
Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
Mr. Garrison
Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?
Damien blinks.
Cartman
Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble.
The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches.
Stan
Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?
Kyle
Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
Cartman
Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
Stan
Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Kyle
Yeah, that's weak!
Cartman
Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
Stan
Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away.
Cartman
Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Stan
Oh great, Green Mega Man it is.
Cartman
Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.
Damien arrives.
Stan
Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
Cartman
Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
Damien
Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Kyle
You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!
Damien walks off.
Cartman
Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.
Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him.
Cartman
Eeyy!
Damian walks over to where Pip is.
Pip
Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
Damien
Then I will call you Pip.
Pip
Right-o.
Stan
Hey new kid!
Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him.
Stan
Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
Kenny
(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
Damien
That does it! Woo-paah.
Points his index fingers at Kenny.
Ominous Voice

... rectus... dominus...

Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence.
Stan
What the... ?
Kyle
Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
Stan
A what?
Kenny
Quack-quack.
Cartman
Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!
Chef comes up behind them.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Stan
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How's it going?
Kyle
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Kyle
Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.
Chef
Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song,

We're all special in our own way
everybody's different, but that's okay,
'cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin,
different points of view, be tall or thin,
it doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin,

A psychedelic scene appears behind him.
Chef

With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been,

He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile.
Chef

Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...

He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria
Chef
What were we talking about again?
Kyle
The new kid.
Damian is standing on a table.
Damien
Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!
Ominous Voice

Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs...

Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks...
Stan
Whoa!
Chef
Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!
...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles...
Kyle
We told you, dude.
Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.
Chef
We've got to do something, children!
Mr. Hankey flies by, then K. C., then a cow. (think Twister)
Damien
Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!
Ominous Voice

... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus...

Stan, Kyle
Jesus?
The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in
Roland
Two minutes to air, Jesus.
Jesus
Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in.]
Stan
Jesus, Jesus!
Jesus
Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
Stan
No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
Kyle
Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.
Kenny
Quack-quack.
Jesus
Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Stan
This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.
Jesus
The Dark Prince?
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Yeah.
Jesus
So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.
Stan
[To Kyle.] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
Jesus
Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
Kyle
... K.
School playground
Groundskeeper
Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and a third student who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A fourth kid joins them later
Cartman
Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money...
A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends a redhead into another student as Bebe looks on.
Ominous Voice

Rectus... dominus... sancti...

Red
Aaaaa Bebe!
Bebe
Our slide!
Damien
Feel my wrath!
Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off K. C. and the black kid.
Pip
[As Damien torches the hobby elephants.] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.
Damien
I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!
He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off.
Pip
Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.
Ominous Voice

... Rectus... cheesy poofs...

Jesus
Damien!
Damien
Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
Jesus
So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
Damien
Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.
Jesus
Let him come then. I shall stop him!
Damien
Behold! He is already upon us! [Clouds begin to conceal the sun.
Kyle
Ohh, dude!
Satan
Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Another whirlwind comes up.
Jimbo
What the hell's going on here?
A crowd begins to gather.
Father Maxi
Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
Blonde
What's happening?
Chef
Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!
Garrison leans onto him.
Chef
Not you, dammit!
Satan
Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Damien
Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!
Jesus
Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
Jimbo
Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!
The Crowd disperses.
Stan
You're gonna fight Satan?
Jesus
This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
Commercial
Who will win our souls?
An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis.
Commercial
Our Savior and Lord?
Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness.
Commercial
Or the Prince of Darkness?
A red demon looms over several fleeing people.
Commercial
It's the final battle between Good and Evil.
A black figure and a white one bump heads.
Commercial
And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95.
Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial
Cartman
Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!
Kenny
Quack-quack.
Stan
[To Kyle.] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?
Cartman
Cartman's birthday!
Kyle
We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
Cartman
You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
Stan
Well, come on. We we have to at least see the weigh-in.
Cartman
Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too
Father Maxi
When is Satan gonna show up?
The boys rush up.
Stan
Did the Devil show up yet?
Jesus
Not yet.
Kyle
Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?
Jesus
... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
Cartman
Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
Jesus
Oh.
Jimbo
We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince.
The crowd cheers.
Jesus
Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.
Father Maxi
You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.
More cheering. A pillar of fire appears.
Ominous Vocie

Rectus... dominus...

Jesus
Behold. The Evil One approaches.
Satan
Yeah.
He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size.
Mr. Garrison
Holy poop on a stick!
Satan
Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
Stan
Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
Jimbo
Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
Satan
Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!
Jesus
Oh - oh yeah??
Man in crowd
Damn.
Satan
I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Jesus
Oh yeah??
A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it.
Announcer
Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.
The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on.
Announcer
Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz.
The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment.
Chef
Ooh crap.
Jesus
Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
Satan
Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world.
The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away.
Jimbo
[Holding his ticket up.] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
Father Maxi
Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.
The crowd breaks up.
The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races
Man 1
Change my bet!
Man 2
I'm betting on the Devil!
Jimbo
I wanna change my bet to Satan.
Ned
Me, too.
Mr. Garrison
Wai-wa I was here first.
South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in
Mr. Mackey
Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?
Damien
Everybody hates me!
Mr. Mackey
Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
Damien
Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey
Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
Damien
Because I... burn them and kill them?
Mr. Mackey
Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
The playground. Bebe, K. C., the other blonde girl, and Clyde surround Pip
Clyde
I bet I can spit the most on him.
Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder.
Bebe
Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.
Spits, and it lands on his right eye.
Pip
Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
Stan
Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'
Cartman
[Sees Damien coming.] Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien
I a - pologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien.
Cartman
[Farts and moves away.] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!
Damien is angry, but restrains himself.
Stan
Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle
Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
Stan
Bubye, Fart-boy.
Kyle
See ya.
Pip
Good day, Damien. How are you?
Damien
Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
Pip
Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters
Jesus
Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-
Chef
Oh ooh.
A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing.
Jesus
I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.
Two men at the bar look at each other.
Jesus
In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!
Father Maxi
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
Jesus
Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
Father Maxi
Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
Jesus
I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
Father Maxi
Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
Mr. Garrison
Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
Jimbo
Yeah.
Father Maxi
Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.
Jesus turns and walks out.
Father Maxi
What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, crazy.
Two men that look like Bill and Fosse chortle behind him.
Man 3
He's so gay.
Man 4
Yeah.
The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.
Jesus
You're all a bunch of Judases!
Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
Stan
Hey, Jesus.
Jesus
What are you doing out so late, kids?
Kyle
We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
Jesus
Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?
Stan
Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
Kyle
Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
Jesus
No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present.
Reporter 1
Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
Satan
I will crush him like a little bug!
Reporter 2
Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?
Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth.
Don King
Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.
A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters.
Cartman
You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?
Stan
Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus
No way, dude!
Chef
[In the ring.] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
Stan
But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
Kyle
Yeah, you have to hit him.
Jesus
Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.
Chef
Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
Jesus
Give it your best sho- [Poof.] Oh! [Falls back to the floor.]
Chef
Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
Jesus
Anybody get the number of that truck? [Drops his head.]
Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard.
Liane
Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents.
Cartman
Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
Chef
Yup! Here's your present, children.
Hands Cartman his gift.
Chef
Well, uhnice party. Uh, see ya later.
Kyle
Hey, you just got here, Chef!
Chef
I know, but the fight is starting.
Stan
Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef.
Liane
Mmmmm.
Chef
Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit.
Damien
I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
Pip
Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
Damien
The other kids have always hated you?
Pip
Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me.
Damien gets an idea.
South Park Forum.
Michael Buffer
In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
The crowd cheers.
Michael Buffer
And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!
The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away.
Michael Buffer
Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
Referee
Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.
The bell rings.
Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow
Cartman
Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Stan
Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
Kyle
And neither were you, Pip!
Pip
Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-
Damien
Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.
His eyes flare up again.
Ominous Voice

Rectus... dominus...

Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.
Small demons grab Pip.
Ominous Voice

... Sancti... cheesy poofs...

Pip
Aaaa!
He is launched like a rocket.
Pip
Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!
He gives off fireworks.
Kyle
Wow!
Stan
Whoa, that was cool!
The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud.
Kyle
Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
Cartman
Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]
South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place.
Satan
Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents.
Cartman
Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves.] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[She leaves.] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS? [Thumps the table in anger.]
Kyle
It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman
YOU SON OF A BITCH! [Lunges towards Kyle.]
Kyle
[As he is pinned by Cartman.] Aaaaa!
Cartman
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP! [Slapping him around by now.]
Kyle
They were all out of 'em dude!
Cartman
I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
Kyle
[At the same time.] Aaaaaaaa!
Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard.
Cartman
That's it! Party is over!
The kids look glum.
Cartman
Everybody go home!
He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away.
Cartman
GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT!
Stan and Kyle stop.
Stan
Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
Cartman
Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!
Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house.
Damien
Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
Stan
Aaanh, he does this all the time.
Chef
Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!
Pip descends from above.
Pip
Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.
South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.
Jesus
Oh!
Backs up helplessly.
Satan
Fight, dammit!
Gives him another right to the face.
Jesus
Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh!
Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner.
Stan
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [The round ends.] You've got to fight, Jesus.
Jesus
Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
Kyle
Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.
Jesus
It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
Stan
Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him.] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
Kyle
Uuuuh. Stan?
Stan
Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
Kyle
Stan.
Stan
She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
Kyle
Stan!
Stan
[Turning to Kyle.] What?
Kyle
Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.
Stan
[Thinks a moment.] ... Really?
Kyle
Yeah, dude!
Stan
Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.
Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him.
Stan
You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'.
Jesus
... Who said that?
Stan
You did, Jesus.
Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan.
Jesus
You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo.
Kyle
Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
Stan
Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
Kyle
Hmmm.
Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them.
Satan
Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
Jesus
Okay, pal. You asked for it!
The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief.
Satan protecting his ribs.
Satan
Ooooooh, you got me.
He drops flat on his back.
Referee
One... Two... Three...
Jimbo
No way! He barely touched him!
Referee
... Seven... Eight.
Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.
Referee
... Nine... Ten. You're out!
The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory.
Stan, Kyle
Our Savior!
Michael Buffer
The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
Satan pops right back up.
Mr. Garrison
Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
Jimbo
Yeah!
Satan
Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?
The crowd wonders.
Satan
Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!
Satan dances out of the ring.
Father Maxi
I don't believe this!
Mr. Garrison
Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
Satan
[Now on the Forum floor.] Farewell, fools!
Jimbo
Man, that guy is a jerk.
Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring.
Stan
[Over the microphone.] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
Mr. Garrison
Boy, did we get screwed.
Chef
Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
Jesus
Aw heck. [Puts his halo back on.] Do I have a choice?
The crowd cheers with relief.
Jimbo
Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!
Kenny is highlighted.
Jimbo
Ih-it's comin' right for us!
Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle
You bastard!
Damien
Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.
Rats swarm all over Kenny's head.
Stan
You're leaving already?
Damien
I have to. My dad's always on the move.
The rats leave also.
Stan
Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle
Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan
Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though.
Liane
More pie, hon?
Cartman
Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.
End of Damien


  108: "Damien" edit
Story Elements

Damien ThornSatanJesusSports Book

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ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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