FANDOM



The official script for "Cripple Fight" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Eric Cartman
  • Stan Marsh
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Butters Stotch
  • Timmy Burch
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Token Black
  • Other Scouts
  • A Girl selling puppies
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Big Gay Al
  • Priest Maxi
  • Jimbo and Ned
  • Mr. Grazier
  • Mountain Scoutmasters
  • Field Reporter Chris and News Anchor Tom
  • Steve Black
  • Skeeter
  • Marc (Marc Shaiman)
  • Shoppers and other townsfolk
  • Joe, of Joe n' Friends
  • Steven Spielberg and Gloria Allred
  • Colorado Supreme Court Justices

Script

Cripple Fight
South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.
Randy
Well, you boys must be pretty excited: Your first night of Scouts.
Stan
It's gonna suck. There's gonna be like, new kids there we don't know.
Kenny
(Yeah.)
Stuart
Well, now, that's part of the fun.
Randy
Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
Stan
Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [all but Cartman laugh]
Cartman
That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
Stan
[calling to the back] Are you excited for your first night of Scouts, Timmy??
Timmy
Hyeah Timmay!
Cartman
Yeah, he's excited.
Park County Community Center, night, outside shot, then inside shot. The doors open and the group walks in. A shot of the many kids inside, then back to the doors. Butters walks up.
Butters
Hey, fellas!
Cartman
[flatly] Hey, Butters.
Butters
Boy, am I glad to see you guys! There's lots of kids here from other schools, and I don't know anybody.
Randy
Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the bar. We'll be back to pick you up at nine.
Stuart
You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader now. He's the man in charge.
Big Gay Al
[suddenly steps in] Hello scouts!
Stan
Hey, it's Big Gay Al!
Big Gay Al
Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you and your little friends' names on the list!
Timmy
Timmay!
Randy
You're the new scout leader?
Big Gay Al
[walks around the boys and stops behind the dads, hugging them] I just got transferred in. [lets go of the dads and moves further into the room] I think everyone's here now, so we can get started. [stops] Come on, Scouts. We've got work to do! [moves again]
Boys
Hooray! [they start moving, too]
Stan
See ya, Dad!
Community Center gymnasium. Three tables are set for the scouts to sit at. Big Gay Al walks up to his chair at the center table. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Timmy find empty spots on the outside of the table to the left. A small banner hangs from the center table: TROOP 69
Big Gay Al
Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses. [Randy and Stuart look on a bit longer, then turn around and walk out. Close-up on the table reveals four older scouts, two on either side of Big Gay Al] Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight. He's a brave little boy with disabilities who proves just by being here that Scouts are for everyone!
Timmy
[happily] Timmay!
Big Gay Al
So let's all give a big round of applause to little... Jimmy! [points to his right. Jimmy walks up using his crutches.]
Jimmy Valmer
Well hello everyone. [applause]
Timmy
Ji- Jimmay?
The bar, nearby. There's some argument going on inside
Stuart
Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think he should be a scout leader!
Randy
He got to where he is by being a good scout; maybe we should just leave him alone.
Stephen
Well how gay is he?
Stuart
He's really, really gay.
Token's father
Well then, I don't want my boy there, either. [more argument ensues]
Randy
So he's a homosexual. So what?
Stuart
I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy, but the big camping trip is next week! Are you sayin' you're fine with this guy campin' overnight, alone, with our boys??
Skeeter
You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they could end up all talk and all fem' and prancin' around like girls. [more argument]
Randy
Aw, that's ridiculous.
Priest Maxi
[walks in] People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice! As many of you know, I, myself, went through a... homosexual... phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man, and I can convert him back.
Man
[voice only] That's what you said about Peterson, and then you ended up having sex with him!
Man 2
[voice only] That's right.
Man 3
[voice only] You did.
Community Center gymnasium. The Scouts are well into their first activities
Big Gay Al
And so that's how to make banana-nut muffins. And now, as a very special treat, our very special friend Jimmy is going to do what he loves most: Motivational standup comedy. [Jimmy walks into view] Let's give him a big hand. [applause]
Jimmy
Wow, what a great audience. [applause dies down] Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability. I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much. I travel to different states and talk to kids about being proud of what they are. My mom says that God has a p-plan for everyone. I guess I was plan B. [the other kids laugh] You guys like im- personations? [applause]
Timmy
[displeased] Timmy.
Jimmy
How about Jimmy Stewart? "Merry Christmas, movie house." And John Travolta. "Oh my God, Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter, oh, oh my God, Mr. Kotter!"
Stan
Jimmy's funny, dude.
Butters
Yeah, well, he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world!
Timmy
[gets angry and crosses his arms] Hmph! [the doors open and in walk Randy and Stuart]
Stuart
Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock.
Randy
Come on, Stanley.
Big Gay Al
Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales in your respective neighborhoods to raise money. We'll meet back here next Tuesday, and see who raised the most. Good luck.
Stan
Hey, I have a great idea! Why don't we see if Jimmy wants to come be in our Scout club?
Cartman
Hey, yeah!
Timmy
[brushing off the idea] Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy. [camera pulls back to show Jimmy walking up]
Stan
Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake sale in South Park tomorrow?
Jimmy
Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, fellas.
Randy
[the other scouts leave] Come on, Stan.
Stan
Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.
Kenny
(Yeah, see ya.)
Stan, Cartman
Bye, Jimmy.
Jimmy
See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.
Randy's truck, night. Randy is taking the boys home.
Stan
You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!
Kenny
(Yeah!)
Stan
We told ghost stories, a-and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!
Cartman
Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale.
Stan
And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life! He's awesome!
Timmy
[outside, visibly upset] Yahahah!!!
Cartman
Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money in our bake sale.
Stan
Cartman, don't say "use him", you big silly goose. [Randy bears down on the brakes, causing Timmy to roll backwards and into the back window]
Timmy
Ah.
Randy
[to Stan] What did you say?!
Stan
[a bit softly, eyes fixed on his fater] I just... called Cartman a name- he's a, he's a silly goose.
Stuart
Uh huh!
Randy
You do not say "Big silly goose"! You call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan
Dad, I was just tryin' tuh-
Randy
Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!
Stan
[glances at Cartman] ...Asshole. [looks at Randy again]
Randy
That's better.
Cartman
Don't call me an asshole, you som' bitch.
South Park, next day, Camera pulls back to show a booth next to a stage. On the booth is a banner: "Mountain Scout Bake Sale," and Timmy, Kenny, Cartman, and Butters are manning the booth. Items for sale: cookies, cakes, and donuts. Butters mans the collection box. People walk by this way and that. On stage, Stan prepares to speak.
Stan
Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop number six nine. Uh, please stop by and give us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, our new best friend, stand-up comic Jimmy! [Jimmy walks up on crutches to the mic and begins]
Jimmy
Wow, what a great audience. I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired! [male laughter] What a terrific audience. You know, sometimes people ask me, "Are you angry at God for making disabled people?" I say, "No, I think the world is better with puh-President Bush." [laughter]
Sharon
[heartfelt] What a brave little boy.
Sheila
He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap! I love him! [Timmy, upset, sighs and crosses his arms]
Jimmy
Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting people here in South Park. [more people gather] H-how about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? "Goddamnit! God-. No, Kitty, that's my pot pie! Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!" [more laughter]
Cartman
Hehe, I don't sound like that.
Jimmy
And how about that school counselor? "Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad." [Mackey happily nudges a man to his right] "Uh. Drugs are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs are bad, okay? Okay?" [Timmy is stewing in his anger] Wow, what a great audience. "Mr. Hat. Be quiet, Mr. Hat. Mr.-" [Garrison grins] "Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. Hello- Mr. Hat" [more laughter] "I'm making Salisbury steak for lunch." [Chef looks flattered] "Salisbury steak for lunch." Eh. Uh. "Goddamnit, Goddamnit!" [more, stronger laughter and applause] And of course, my very favorite, "Timmy! Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, I'm living a lie! I'm living a lie, Timmy!" [the laughter and applause get louder, and Timmy gets livid] "Ti- Timmy, I'm living a lie. Heh, heh. Ah Timmy." Heh. Sometimes it's like, "Please, Timmy, learn a new word," heh. "Timmy! Tu-Timmy!" [more laughter]
Timmy
[angrily] Aaaaaaah! [Stan notices. Quickly, Timmy takes a cake half and throws it right at Jimmy, and it hits. Jimmy leans to his left, and stabilizes himself]
Jimmy
Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really take the cay. I really take the k-keh cake. [cheers and claps abound]
Man
Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my
Timmy
[wailing] Tiiimm-mmah!!!!!
State Mountain Scouts of America headquarters, day, outside shot. Inside, three men sit behind a table - a tribunal.
Head Scoutmaster
Well, this is it. We've simply gotten too many complaints from concerned parents about him. I'm afraid we don't have a choice.
Big Gay Al
[enters the room] Hi ya fellas! [waves his left arm quickly]
Head Scoutmaster
How are you today, Scout?
Big Gay Al
I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised over $600 for the event. Yippie!
Head Scoutmaster
Uh, Big Gay Al, it's recently come to our attention that you are... gay.
Big Gay Al
Well, stop the presses. Did you figure that out all by yourselves, silly buns?
Scoutmaster 1
Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the Scouts have a policy that openly gay men cannot belong.
Head Scoutmaster
We are left with no options, Mr. Al. I'm afraid you are hereby... out of Scouts.
Big Gay Al
[Softly. Somber music plays.] Out of... Scouts?
Head Scoutmaster
We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.
Big Gay Al
But I've been in Scouts since I was nine - it's a... huge part of my life.
Scoutmaster 2
Uh, you must understand that Scouts is a private club. A club that follows certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral.
Big Gay Al
I see...
Head Scoutmaster
It's nothing against you personally
Big Gay Al
What if I promise not to be gay anymore? [holds up a pinky] Pinky swear.
Scoutmaster 2
We think it's best you just... move on.
Big Gay Al
[rejected] Right. Move on. [turns around, sighs, and walks out]
South Park streets, day. Timmy sits on the sidewalk as Jimmy ambles towards him.
Jimmy
Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, very much. I've been detecting some a-animosity towards me lately, and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.
Timmy
[holding a gift] Timmih.
Jimmy
What's that?
Timmy
Hur livin' a lah, Timmih. [presents the gift]
Jimmy
A present? You got me a p-present?
Timmy
Timmih!
Jimmy
...[takes the gift] Gee, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you've been jealous of my talent. [opens the present] If you work at it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable as I am, huh? [pulls out the contents] Wow, a parka. [an orange one] You-you didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.
Timmy
[all smiles] Tim-Timmy.
Jimmy
Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits. [Timmy grins with anticipation as Jimmy dons the parka. Next shot is of Jimmy looking suspiciously like Kenny] This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. Well, I'll see you around. [turns around to walk away]
Timmy
Timmih! [grins]
As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner, and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him. He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo and Ned appear atop a building across the street
Jimbo
There he is! Kill him! Kill him! [Ned fires three times] Oh, wait, that's not him. [the two men withdraw, and Jimmy keeps walking]
Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.
Jimmy
[calling back] Thanks again, Tim-Tim.
Timmy
[thwarted] Tim-Timmay!
Big Gay Al's house, night. Quite colorful front lawn, with fountain, flowers, a flower strip down the middle of the driveway. Soft music plays. Inside, Al sits on his bed looking over framed photos of his Scouting career. Scout Troop 417 - 1988, Camp White Swallow - 1974, his Scout medals, a picture of a black man dresed as Superman. Al sighs and looks over at his Scout uniform. He walks over and takes it down, then walk to his dresser and puts the uniform away in one of its drawers
Big Gay Al
Ah, bye, Scouts. [closes the drawer. The camera pans to show a man playing a piano] Okay, okay, Marc, stop playing now.
Marc
Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to come over and play sad songs for you to pack to, and then ya yell at me.
Big Gay Al
[approaching] I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed everything away, so just... well, play something uplifting, like... "I'm gonna put all this behind me and make it okay" music.
Marc
[starts playing sprightly music] Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have her. She's too fat for me.
Big Gay Al
Oh! [buries his face in his left hand] Jesus, Marc.
Park County Community Center, night. A group of men stand outside. The head Scoutmaster exits the building with a big, beefy, decorated Scout leader
Head Scoutmaster
Parents, this is the new Scout leader, Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over for the homosexual.
Randy
Nice to meet you.
Mr. Grazier
Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other. Your wife and mine are friends.
Stuart
Your wife, huh?
Head Scoutmaster
Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.
Randy
[nudges Stuart, who then smiles] Well, I guess we're off to the bar until nine, then.
Mr. Grazier
Gonna go pound some brews, huh?
Inside, Jimmy entertains the troops with more of his comedy skit as the men talk outside
Jimmy
And so I said to him, "Hey, I- I may be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf." [the other scouts laugh] Wow, what a terrific audience. Well, for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer from the audience, very much. How about you, Timmy?
Timmy
[resisting] Timmay.
Jimmy
Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim. [the boys laugh, and Jimmy approaches] Timmy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him a hand, very much. Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too. [laughter. Timmy gets angry when Jimmy offers him a Dr. Seuss-like hat.] Here, Timmy, put on this silly hat. [Timmy throws the hat down. Jimmy picks it back up and offers it again.] Just for a second, Timmy. [Timmy throws the hat back at him, an dhe picks it up again] Don't be a jerk, Timmy. [approaches with the hat, but Timmy smacks him away] Hey, don't push me!
Timmy
Timmih! [turns his chair to face Jimmy directly]
Cartman
Cripple fight! [the other boys cheer, but Mr. Grazier bursts through the doors]
Mr. Grazier
That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats! [the boys turn left and go to their seats]
Cartman
Awww!
Mr. Grazier
Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mr. Grazier! [paces back and forth between tables] Together we are going to become the best! The sleekest! The most polished Scout troop in all of Colorado! Isn't that right! [there's no answer] When I ask you a question you will answer "Yes, Scoutmaster!" Do I make myself clear?!
Scouts
Yes, Scoutmaster!
Mr. Grazier
Good! Now, the first activity for this evening will be... [hushed] naked pictures [brings forth a camera] I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked, in case we need them, for later.
Scouts
Awww.
Mr. Grazier
Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whining platoon! "We don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!"
Cartman
[to Kenny] Man, this guy sucks.
Mr. Grazier
Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!
Community Center gym, later. The pictures have been taken and the Scouts are dressed and at table.
Mr. Grazier
Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this meeting with a little puppet show. [pulls out a smiling Scout hand puppet] Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared. He's always ready. Now, here's a little Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier took naked pictures of him. Look what happens. [pulls out a hammer with his left hand and whacks away at the puppet on his right hand. The Scouts are frightened] Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw! [his right hand is bleeding, leaving a small pool of blood under the puppet] Do I make myself clear, Scouts?!
Scouts
Yes, Scoutmaster! [the parents enter to pick up their boys]
Mr. Grazier
[now hiding his right hand] Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's all the time we have for tonight, Scouts. We sure had a great time, didn't we?
Scouts
Yes sir Scoutmaster! [the troops break and go to their parents. Mr. Grazier walks over to Randy and Stuart, with his right hand behnd his back]
Randy
Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape.
Stuart
Yeah. Now they're acting like men.
Mr. Grazier
Well, you know what I say about kids: They're all pink on the inside.
Randy
You bet.
Stuart
I heard that.
Randy
See ya, Mr. Grazier. [Randy and Stuart walk out. Mr. Grazier waits till they're gone and then pulls out the pictures he'd just taken and reviews them]
Big Gay Al's house, night, living room. Al is on the couch unkempt, covered in a blanket, watching TV, and devouring ice cream. The door bell rings
Big Gay Al
Go away! I'm dead! [the door closes, and soon the South Park troop comes into view and stands in front of him]
Butters
Oh, well, here he is.
Stan
Big Gay Al, what are you doing?!
Cartman
Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch and come be our scoutmaster again!
Big Gay Al
I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out of Scouts.
Stan
Kicked out? Oh no!
Cartman
But you have to come back. We hate our new scout leader.
Big Gay Al
Really? wull-why?
Butters
[pause. Stan and Cartman look to him] We can't tell you.
Big Gay Al
Why not?
Butters
[approaches the kidney-shaped table and demonstrates] Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no! [Al is shocked at the implication]
Stan
Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go on a camp trip with this guy next week.
Big Gay Al
Boys, there's nothing I can do. The Scouts don't allow homosexuals.
Jimmy
Well then that settles it! Fellas, what we're gonna hafta do is try to ch... change the Scouts' rules, very much.
South Park streets, day. The six boys are picketing on the sidewalk. Cartman carries a picket: "Scouting is for everyone!" Butters and Kenny carry a fold-up table between them
Stan
What do we want?
Boys
Gays in Scouts!
Stan
When do we want it?
Timmy
Timmih!
Stan
What do we want?
Boys
Gays in Scouts!
Stan
When do we want it?
Timmy
Timmih!
Stan
What do we want?
Randy
[slowly, as the boys and Stan continue] Oh, no.
Boys
Gays in Scouts!
Stan
When do we want it?
Timmy
Timmih!
South Park streets, day, further down the street. The six boys continue picketing.
Stan
What do we want?
Boys
Gays in Scouts!
Stan
When do we want it?
Timmy
Timmih! [the boys approach Henry's Supermarket]
Stan
Alright, this looks like the perfect place to get some signatures. [a little girl stands at the market's entrance]
Little Girl
Puppies. Puppies for sale.
Cartman
[moves over to her] Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination work to do! [takes her box and looks inside, then tosses it away. She goes after the box]
Stan
Alright, let's set up. [the table's legs come down and Cartman's picket is hung in front of the table. A mic and sound system are set up next to the table. A customer exits the market, and Stan whips out a petition board] Ah hi, we're here to collect signature in support to force the Scouts to accept gays? [the customer gets away, but another one comes] Uh, hello, gays in Scouts? [the customers ignore him] Goddamnit! [All the while Timmy looks down angrily at Jimmy]
Butters
Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale, very much?
Stan
That's a great idea! [takes the mic] Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment, stand-up comic, Jimmy!
Jimmy
[takes the mic] Wow, what a great audience. For my first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer. Come on up here, Tim-Tim. [Jimmy gets the big hat and turns to give it to Timmy, only to see him wheel away. Jimmy follows, and they end up in a parking lot away from the market] Timmy, when I tell you to do something, you do it!
Timmy
Timmih!
Jimmy
Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!
Timmy
Timmay!
Jimmy
Put on the hat!
Timmy
[smacks the hat down] Timmay!
Jimmy
Pu-put it on!!
Stan
Dude, this looks like it could get ugly. [he and Cartman leave the table and go towards Jimmy and Timmy. Timmy and Jimmy face off and start circling each other]
Timmy
[makes a fist] Timmih. Timmih.
Jimmy
Not this year.
Timmy
Timmih, Timmih.
Cartman
Cripple fight!
Timmy
Haaa.
Jimmy
Come on. Come on!
Timmy
Timmih.
South Park Church. A service is on, and organ music plays
Cartman
Cripple fight! [after a moment, the congregants get up and leave]
Henry's Supermarket, inside. Shoppers mill about, getting their items
Cartman
[on speakers] Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have... cripple fight. Cripple fight outside! [the shoppers abandon their carts and exit]
Parking lot. Timmy delivers the fist blow, to Jimmy's head, but Jimmy delivers four blows back with his crutches. The third one turns Timmy's head to the left. The fourth one turns Timmy's head to the right and forces the wheelchair backwards. Jimmy recovers and the rivals approach each other anew
Jimmy
Come on!
Jimmy jumps up and delivers a blow to Timmy's face, but Timmy responds with four quick blows - a right hook, two left jabs, and another right hook - sending Jimmy to the ground face first.
Jimmy
[struggling to get up] Uh.
Stan
Jesus Christ, dude! [a crowd begins to gather]
Susan
Oh my God!
Man 5
Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll run out of steam soon. [Jimmy gets up quickly and faces Timmy again]
Timmy
Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy
[swipes at him, but Timmy blocks] Huah!
Timmy
Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy
[swipes at Timmy again, but Timmy blocks] Come on!
Timmy
Timmih!
Jimmy
No! [swipes at him again, but Timmy blocks and quickly delivers a blow to the face, drawing fist blood] Ow!
Jimmy recoups and delivers a back-handed blow to Timmy with his right crutch, then measures Timmy and swings the crutch back and launches Timmy out of his chair. Timmy quickly scrambles back to his chair, but Jimmy whacks him away again. Camera movements get more dynamic. Timmy rolls over and Jimmy walks up to him and offers his left hand
Jimmy
Timmy? Timmy? [Timmy takes his hand and slowly rises to his feet. Jimmy helps him into the chair]
I told you to put on the HAT!! [swings his right crutch and blows Timmy out of the chair again. Jimmy walks up to Timmy and pulls him up by the hair, and swings the right crutch at him, but Timmy blocks it and holds both crutches down]
You dirty motherfucker! [hits Timmy with the crutches, and Timmy responds with a headbutt, knocking Jimmy down. Timmy goes down himself]
Man 5
[just arriving] What's goin' on?
Man 6
[turns to answer] Some kind of gay pride rally.
Timmy gets a hold of Jimmy and delivers a right cross. Jimmy responds by striking Timmy with both crutches, then grounding his crutches and swinging his legs up to strike Timmy agian. Next, Jimmy tries to pull Timmy off the wheelchair head first, then tries to get a reverse headlock on Timmy. Timmy breaks out of it and delivers a blow. They each try a headlock on the other, but the effort forces the wheelchair backwards, and they both fall out.
Timmy
Lah-livin' a lie!
Jimmy chokes Timmy for a bit, then rises to jump on him. Timmy tries to force Jimmy off by pushing Jimmy's face back, but Jimmy bites Timmy's fingers. Timmy cries in pain, then flips Jimmy off overhead. Jimmy scrambles up on his crutches as Timmy tends to his bitten hand, and strikes Timmy again, and again. Jimmy then swings his legs into Timmy and flies off - a flying kick. Timmy rises and jumps on Jimmy, grabbing his head and ramming it into the ground twice, then performing an eye gouge. Jimmy works around it and throws Timmy off, then jumps on him, driving a knee into Timmy's crotch five times, shot from various angles. Jimmy struggles to get up, and Timmy trips him.
Channel 4 News report
Reporter
Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's Supermarket where five brave little boys are holding a rally to support gays in scouting. The rally is drawing so much attention that people from all over the country are taking media notice.
Farmer
Those boys have shown me the light. I never knew the Mountain Scouts was a hate group.
Joe
[host of Joe n' Friends] This is a wake up call to America. We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!
South Park Bar. People are looking at the report
Randy
Oh, God, they're actually pulling it off.
Reporter
[voice only] The rally has also caught the attention of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such films as Always and 1941.
Cut to Channel 4 News report
Steven Spielberg
[at his desk] I salute those boys and their courage. I am hereby cutting all my funding to the Scouts!
Reporter
The rally has also caught the attention of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred.
Gloria Allred
[at her desk] It is a disgrace that these homophobes are allowed to discriminate. [rises from her chair and pounds the desk] I am taking this case on, personally!
Reporter
With this kind of support, Tom, these boys are sure to have a victory for gays. Back to you.
Tom
Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI has finally caught the child molester known as Mr. Slippyfist. [pictured is Mr. Grazier being arrested, then his mug shot] This sick child molester was found with disturbing graphic photos of young boys naked, which we will show you now.
Cut to South Park Bar for reactions. The men are stunned
Tom
[voice only] Here's one. And here's another.
Stuart
Kenny?
Randy
Oh my God.
Tom
Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch! Here's one right here.
Jimmy and Timmy have taken to throwing each other all over the place. Jimmy and Timmy land on a car and tumble down to the ground beside it. The camera follows the action closely. Jimmy picks Timmy up and throws him back on the car, then swings his right crutch at Timmy, striking him, and strikes him again on the return swing. Timmy punches Jimmy with his left fist, sending Jimmy spinning around. Jimmy swings at Timmy again, but Timmy ducks and catches Jimmy in a sleeper hold, holding on for a few seconds. Jimmy escapes, then picks Timmy up high and brings him down upon the left knee for a back-breaker. Timmy rises and responds with a neck-breaker, knocking Jimmy out. Both boys lay there, motionless.
Man 6
Alright, boys, break it up.
Colorado Supreme Court, day, exterior shot. Inside, the justices enter and take their seats
Bailiff
All rise.
Chief Justice
In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming show of support, it is the ruling of this court that the Scouts must allow Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!
Crowd
Alright! Yeah! Woohoo! [more cheering]
Randy
Well, we'va all learned an important lesson. That just because somebody's gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest children. Straight people do that too.
Crowd
Yeah! [more cheering. Timmy and Jimmy, bruised and battered, sit next to each other]
Chief Justice
And furthermore, the Scout elders will be put into stocks for three days, so they can see how it feels to be outcast!
Crowd
Hooray, yeah, yeah! [more cheering]
Stan
We did it! We did it!
Gloria Allred
I did it! I did it! Haha! [the press gathers in around her.]
Colorado Supreme Court, day, outside. Gloria Allred is holding a press conference at the top of the steps at the courthouse
Gloria Allred
Today is a great day for democracy. The Scouts have been exposed for the vile gay bashers they are. [each of the three Scout elders is in a stock, and underneath each one is written "HOMOPHOBE" The crowd throws stones at them.] And we all it all to me, and these six brave little boys [the big bird comes down and plucks Kenny right up. The other kids, Al, and Gloria move aside and return, the kids stunned] five... brave little boys. And now, here to take his official oath back in Scouts is Big Gay Al. [moves aside]
Big Gay Al
[as the crowd cheers] Thank you all very much. But I don't want this. [the crowd quiets down and gets confused]
Crowd members
What's he saying?
Stan
Huh?
Big Gay Al
Look, I appreciate what you kids did; I really do. But this isn't what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay. And I'm proud to be in a country where I'm free to express myself. But freedom is a two-way street. If I'm free to express myself, then the Scouts have to be free to express themselves, too. I know these men. They are good men. They are kind men. They do what they think is best for kids. No matter how wrong we think they might be, it isn't right for us to force them to think our way. It's up to us to persuade, and help them see the light, not extort them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts' funding. The Scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids. That's why I love them. I will continue to persuade them to change their mind, but this is the wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts their right to not allow gays into their private club.
Man
Uh, Hooray!
Another Man
Hooray, hey!
Stan
So wait, did we do good?
Butters
Uh yeah, ah I think so.
Cartman
Eh, we kick ass.
Big Gay Al
[approaching the boys] Come on kids, let's go get some ice cream! [moves along]
Gloria Allred
[at the mic] You can't do this! You homophobe!
Jimmy
Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important lesson, too, very much. There is room for more than one handi-capable person in Scouts.
Timmy
Timmih.
Jimmy
I'm glad we're best friends now. See ya at Scouts. [walks off]
Timmy
Tim-mih.
Timmy's house, exterior shot. Inside, Timmy is working on his computer in his room. He's working the keyboard and the mosue like an experienced user. He sings:
Timmy
Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih. [on screen is a picture of Timmy and Jimmy, in a Photo Wiz program. Timmy traces a cutout around Jimmy's head] Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih, Timmih Timmih Timmih. [he clips the head off and moves it to the right, and grins] Aaaaah.
Stan
[stops at Timmy's room and enters. Timmy stops work to listen] Timmy, come on! We're gonna be late for Scouts! [walks out]
Park County Community Center, day. Inside the boys are seated around the table, and a new Scoutmaster, the head Scoutmaster, is present
Head Scoutmaster
Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader. Everything is going to be just fine. No naked pictures.
Timmy
[rolls up to the scoutmaster] Uh, Timmih.
Head Scoutmaster
Yes, Timmy? [Timmy hands him an envelope, which he opens. He takes out a picture] Oh dear. Jimmy?
Jimmy
Yes?
Head Scoutmaster
You know our policy: I'm afraid you're... out of Scouts.
Jimmy
Out of Scouts? [the scoutmaster shows a picture of two naked men holding each other close from the waist down and looking at the camera. The paler man has Jimmy's head pasted over his]
Timmy
[with eyes half-closed, waves at Jimmy and grins] Tim-mih.
Jimmy
What? [the two other Scoutmasters come up behind Jimmy, pull him out of his chair, and carry him towards the entrance] Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!
Stan
Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.
Butters
Me neither. [the two Scoutmasters prepare to toss him out the doors]
Jimmy
No! No! [the Scoutmasters toss him a good distance]
Timmy
[triumphantly] Timmay!
End of Cripple Fight


  503: "Cripple Fight" edit
Story Elements

Big Gay AlJimmy ValmerTimmyGloria AllredMr. GrazierMarc Shaiman • "Too Fat Polka"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifth Season