Crack Baby Athletic Association/Script

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Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Craig Tucker
• Announcer
• Betsy MacIntosh
• Child singers
• Dean Howland
• Betsy Donovan
• Roger Donovan
• Mr. Peters
• Ms. Williams
• Postman
• Postmaster
• Sarah McLachlan
• Secretary
• Singer
• Denny's Waiter
• Phillip

Script

Crack Baby Athletic Association
	A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buddhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terrance and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip, causing Stan and Kyle to laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show.
Phillip	That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance [sharts on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh]
Kyle	[through his laughter] Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done!
Stan	I know! This is awesome!
Kyle	I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose]
Announcer	Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on]
Singer	So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear]
Kyle	Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away] super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away!
Stan	What?
Kyle	Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed]
Sarah McLachlan	These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.
Stan	Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away]
Kyle	Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a doctor carries a baby in order to calm him down]
Sarah McLachlan	Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you.
Stan	Awww dude, awwww.
Kyle	Aaaggh, God.
Sarah McLachlan	Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling]
Kyle	I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away]
	Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle
Nurse	It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.
Kyle	What exactly can I do to help?
Nurse	Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see.
Kyle	Oh it's, it's so sad.
Nurse	Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman]
Cartman	Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle	[at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here?
Cartman	I'm volunteering.
Kyle	[remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?!
Cartman	[firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.
Nurse	Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart.
Kyle	Why do you have a video camera?
Cartman	I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away]
Ms. Williams	Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him]
Kyle	I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit?
Ms. Williams	Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately.
Kyle	Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction]
	As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together.
Kyle	What's going on?!
Butters	[startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair]
Cartman	Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes]
	moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle
Cartman	Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital.
Kyle	So what are you doing?!
Cartman	What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well.
Kyle	Alright, what is it?!
Cartman	Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you!
Kyle	Why do you need me?
Cartman	Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Dammit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second!
Kyle	I knew you were doing something terrible!
Cartman	What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?!
Kyle	Lots of people will when I tell them!
Cartman	We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around]
Kyle	You what?
Cartman	Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack.
Kyle	A thousand dollars.
Cartman	Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time.
	Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them
Cartman	After you. [the other four enter.]
Kyle	There's a big wait to sit down.
Waiter	Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir.
Cartman	Come on. [the other boys follow]
	a table. The boys are seated and enjoying their meals
Cartman	We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
Kyle	Jesus Christ.
Craig	It's awesome.
Cartman	It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials.
Butters	Every single night.
Cartman	Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert.
Kyle	Wow...
	In the back seat of a limo
Cartman	We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights.
	In a karaoke bar. Butters is rapping and dancing to a teleprompter
Butters	I like that boom boom pow Them chicks be jackin my style They try and copy my swagger I'm on that next shit now I'm so 2008 You so 2000 and late I got that boom boom boom That future boom boom boom Let me get it now
End of Crack Baby Athletic Association