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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Craig Tucker
  • Announcer
  • Betsy MacIntosh
  • Child singers
  • Dean Howland
  • Betsy Donovan
  • Roger Donovan
  • Mr. Peters
  • Ms. Williams
  • Postman
  • Postmaster
  • Sarah McLachlan
  • Secretary
  • Singer
  • Denny's Waiter
  • Phillip

Script

Crack Baby Athletic Association
A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buddhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terrance and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip, causing Stan and Kyle to laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show.
Phillip
That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance [sharts on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh]
Kyle
[through his laughter] Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done!
Stan
I know! This is awesome!
Kyle
I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose]
Announcer
Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on]
Singer
So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear]
Kyle
Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away] super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away!
Stan
What?
Kyle
Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed]
Sarah McLachlan
These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.
Stan
Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away]
Kyle
Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a doctor carries a baby in order to calm him down]
Sarah McLachlan
Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you.
Stan
Awww dude, awwww.
Kyle
Aaaggh, God.
Sarah McLachlan
Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling]
Kyle
I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away]
Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle
Nurse
It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.
Kyle
What exactly can I do to help?
Nurse
Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see.
Kyle
Oh it's, it's so sad.
Nurse
Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman]
Cartman
Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle
[at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here?
Cartman
I'm volunteering.
Kyle
[remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?!
Cartman
[firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.
Nurse
Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart.
Kyle
Why do you have a video camera?
Cartman
I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away]
Ms. Williams
Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him]
Kyle
I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit?
Ms. Williams
Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately.
Kyle
Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction]
As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together.
Kyle
What's going on?!
Butters
[startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair]
Cartman
Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes]
moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle
Cartman
Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital.
Kyle
So what are you doing?!
Cartman
What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well.
Kyle
Alright, what is it?!
Cartman
Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you!
Kyle
Why do you need me?
Cartman
Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Dammit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second!
Kyle
I knew you were doing something terrible!
Cartman
What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?!
Kyle
Lots of people will when I tell them!
Cartman
We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around]
Kyle
You what?
Cartman
Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack.
Kyle
A thousand dollars.
Cartman
Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time.
Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them
Cartman
After you. [the other four enter.]
Kyle
There's a big wait to sit down.
Waiter
Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir.
Cartman
Come on. [the other boys follow]
a table. The boys are seated and enjoying their meals
Cartman
We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
Kyle
Jesus Christ.
Craig
It's awesome.
Cartman
It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials.
Butters
Every single night.
Cartman
Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert.
Kyle
Wow...
In the back seat of a limo
Cartman
We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights.
In a karaoke bar. Butters is rapping and dancing to a teleprompter
Butters

I like that boom boom pow
Them chicks be jackin my style
They try and copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now
I'm so 2008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom boom boom
That future boom boom boom
Let me get it now

End of Crack Baby Athletic Association
  1505: "Crack Baby Athletic Association" edit
Story Elements

Crack Baby Athletic Association (CBAA)EA SportsSlash • "Boom Boom Pow"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifteenth Season