Cow Days/Script

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The official script for "Cow Days" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mayor McDaniels
• Officer Barbrady
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblanski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Gerald Broflovski
• Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
• Cows
• Father Maxi
• Toss-A-Ball operator
• Chamber of Farts operator
• Frank Hammond
• Halfy
• Bob, W.T.H.I.T! host
• Tom and Mary
• Cowgirl
• Cow Memorial
• Two cowboys, one of them Mitchell
• FBI sharpshooters
• Jack McMack
• Dr. Doctor

Script

Cow Days
	A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and his assistant stand near the contestants.
Host	Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?
Tom and Mary	We're ready, Bob!
Bob	Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary	Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!
Tom	Oh, anywhere'd be great!
Bob	Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?
	A 9 second count-down begins.
Tom	Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this.
	Tom grips his head with both hands as time runs out.
Mary	The upper vascular hood.
Bob	I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
	Tom and Mary are overjoyed.
Bob	Fred tell 'em what they've won.
Fred the Announcer	Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado!
	A woman dressed as a cowgirl shows off a picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs.
Mary	Where?
Fred the Announcer	That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.
	A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions appear.
Fred the Announcer	Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows!
	The audience Awww's as a group of cows is shown.
Fred the Announcer	Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Bob	Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
Tom	What was second prize again?
Bob	That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...
	The audience joins him in saying.
Bob and Audience	Ooo, What The Hell Is That!
	The theme music plays before they cut to commercial.
Mary	Ah shit!
	South Park rodeo. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels, nearby on the carnival stage, Mayor McDaniels and her aides are standing.
Mayor McDaniels	Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!
	Cheers go up. Mayor McDaniels and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them.
Mayor McDaniels	As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow.
	The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels	And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!
	Jimbo walks up to the mic.
Jimbo	This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!
	A giant curtain covers a large object.
Jimbo	Which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain!
	The curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed. It's wooden, buddhaesque, in appearance, a dark gold color, with a large clock encased in its belly. The clock shows 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is at the front of the crowd, as are Tom and Mary.
Mary	This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom	Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.
Mary	Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
Mayor McDaniels	Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
	The carnival gets underway. People mill around, the boys approach a booth that says "3 for $5".
Toss-a-Ball operator	Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.
Kyle	Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
	A fanfare plays as a close-up of the dolls are shown.
Stan	Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle	Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
Operator	Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan	Really?
Operator	Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.
	The operator shows the boys the tag, which reads "TEЯENSE AND PHILLUP"
Cartman	Wwow!
Kyle	Dude, that kicks ass!
Cartman	[Breathlessly.] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
Operator	Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman	Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator	Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.
	A wooden board featuring a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt's face is shown, a gaping hole where her mouth should be.
Cartman	That's easy!
Operator	Okay, we've got a player!
Cartman	Ay! Check it out!
	He tosses a ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth.
Cartman	Damn it!
Operator	It's okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman	Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
	He chucks another ball at her, and misses.
Kyle	You suck, Cartman!
Cartman	I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle	Give me that!
	Kyle takes the final ball from Cartman, and throws it. Direct hit, it goes into the mouth, but falls out and away.
Kyle	Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator	It's gotta go through her mouth.
Kyle	But ih-
Operator	Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
Kyle	Here, give me some money, Cartman!
	Cartman looks at him and starts laughing.
Kyle	Lend me money, fat boy!
Cartman	I only have three dollars left, asshole!
Kyle	Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom.
	The boys walk off.
Jimbo	[Still onstage.] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows!
	The crowd cheers. Kyle has found his parents.
Kyle	Mom, give me some money!
Sheila	Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
Kyle	I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila	Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out on the streets!
Kyle	I will if you give me money!
Sheila	Okay, here!
	She hands him some bills, and he walks off.
Cartman	Sweet.
	Back on stage, Jimbo gives more instructions to the crowd, which is still cheering.
Jimbo	Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows.
	The crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering.
Jimbo	With that said, let's rock and roll!
	The crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too.
Jimbo	Everybody ready to run? Release the cows!
	The corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth.
Jimbo	They're loose!
	Jimbo leaves the stage, the cows look bewildered at the townsfolk.
Cows	Mooooo?!
	The townsfolk scream wildly, while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more. Ned runs directly into a telephone pole and falls.
Ned	Ow.
	One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole.
Jimbo	[Running by.] Yeehaw!
	A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming.
	Back at the carnival, a ride named "Chamber of Farts" stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter.
Kyle	Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman	I only need one, dude. I only need one.
Operator	Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
Stan	What's that?
Operator	Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman	How much is it?
Operator	Just three tickets, boys.
Chamber of Farts Ride	Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Kyle	Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator	Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman	Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five.
Kyle	No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman	Oh come on, you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle	You'd better be right, dude.
Cartman	I'm right!
	The boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in.
Operator	Keep your hands inside at all times.
Kyle	Okay.
	They go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanoes poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops.
Chamber of Farts ride	So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS!
	The car starts up again, and Cartman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet.
Cartman	Eh! God-damnit!
	As they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs.
Stan	What the hell was that?
Chamber of Farts ride	Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!
	The car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns.
Operator	All right, boys. Ride's over.
Kyle	That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan	Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman	[As they step down.] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle	That was a waste of money, Cartman!
Operator	Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
Kyle	We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman	Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money.
	Cartman is down to $11.00, as he goes to get in line for the ride.
Cartman	Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
	The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. In the other area of the carnival, the boys are nearing the end of the line for the ride.
Kyle	This ride better be good!
Stan	Yeah, this line is way too long!
Cartman	I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle	We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan	Here we go.
	The boys pass under a banner that reads "LINE RIDE"
Kyle	Finally!
Line ride operator	Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan	What ride?
Kyle	Yeah.
Line ride operator	This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
Kyle	Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line ride operator	That's five tickets, thank you very much.
	The boys leave with $6.00 remaining.
Line ride operator	Come see us again soon.
Stan	My ass we will!
Kyle	Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan	Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Photo seller	Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride?
	They are shown the picture.
Cartman	How much?
Photo seller	Just three dollars.
Cartman	Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet.
	They are now left with $3.00.
Kyle	You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman	What? This is cool.
Kyle	No, it's not cool!
Cartman	It is, too!
	They head back over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Operator	Can I help you boys.
Stan	We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator	O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
Kyle	How much do we have left, Cartman?
	Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer.
Kyle	How much do we have left, Cartman?!
Cartman	Aah, three dollars.
Kyle	What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
Cartman	Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
Kyle	You son of a bitch! Aaargh!
	Kyle lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.
Cartman	Ey! Seriously!
	A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again.
Kyle	Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman	Well, I'm sorry!
Kyle	Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman	[Thinks a moment.] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny	[Pulls some out.] (What? These?)
Stan	Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator	Sure, as long as they're good.
Kyle	Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
Kenny	(Nuh uh.)
Kyle	Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny	(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
Cartman	Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends!
	Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls.
Kyle	Okay. Here we go.
	Kyle chucks the first ball directly into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away.
Kyle	Hey! That was right on target.
Operator	Sorry, kid. Try again.
	Kyle throws the next ball in, again directly on target, but it too bounces away.
Kyle	That does it! Shenanigans!
	He points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around.
Kyle	SHENANIGANS!
Operator	Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle	I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator	Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady	What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle	Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Officer Barbrady	Why?
Kyle	This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady	If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just.
	Barbrady raises his baton and points it at the operator.
Officer Barbrady	What do you have to say, carnival operator?
Operator	Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son.
	The operator reaches inside the counter and switches balls to give Kyle a smaller one.
Operator	Here you go.
	Kyle tosses it, and it soars through the mouth.
Operator	There, you see? We have a winner!
Kyle	It worked!
Officer Barbrady	Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
Stan	Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
Officer Barbrady	Barbrady!
Stan	Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
Officer Barbrady	You said Buttbaby.
	The boys start laughing after a few seconds.
Cartman	Sweet.
Operator	Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
Kyle	No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator	Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
Kyle	What?!
Operator	You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade 'em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle	You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
Operator	[Ignoring them, speaking to the crowd] Step on up, just five dollars to play!
Kyle	Damnit, I have to have those dolls!
	He walks off pissed. The others follow.
Stan	This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle	[Something stops him.] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bull-riding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5,000.
	The boys look at him.
Kyle	Think about it, dude: $5,000. That's 1,000 set of balls. That's 3,000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman	What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle	[Grabbing Cartman by the collar.] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Cartman	O-kay, I'll get on the bull.
Kyle	All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!
	Kyle walks away. The others watch him.
Stan	[To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.
Cartman	I guess, damn!
	Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11.
Mary	That ride wasn't very good.
Tom	Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary	You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
	The Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive. Meanwhile, at a nearby bar.
Stan	Alright, this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
Cartman	Hey, this is sweet.
Kyle	You gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
Cartman	I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan	We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.
	Kenny presses the switch, and the mechanical bull starts to move.
Cartman	Ye-gah!
	The bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up.
Cartman	Ow!
	Cartman shattered the glass, which scatters all around.
Cartman	Son of a bitch!
Stan	How long was that?
Kyle	That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan	Damn it!
	They all walk over to Cartman.
Stan	That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
Cartman	[Whispering.] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
Kyle	Get back on, fat-ass! You have to practice!
Cartman	[Whispering.] Seriously. Help.
	None of the boys step forth to help him.
Cartman	Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle	What'd you say, Cartman??
Cartman	[Whispering.] I hate you guys!
Kyle	I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman	[Whispering.] Hate you guys.
	The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.
	Elsewhere, the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on.
Rancher	Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle	Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher	Well, have fun, boys.
Kyle	Okay, Cartman. You ready?
Cartman	[Hesitantly.] Nnoo.
Kyle	Open the gate!
	Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left.
Cartman	All right, get down. This is my kind of bull-ride.
Kyle	[Whispers to Stan.] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman	Yeah, this is sweet!
Stan	What are you going to do?
Kyle	Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan	Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.
	Kyle chucks a snowball at the bull's testicles and gets a direct hit. The bull starts bucking, pissed off.
Cartman	Eeyy!
Kyle	That's better.
Stan	Hold on, Cartman!
Cartman	Ey! Seriously, you guys! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing!
	The bull throws him off.
Cartman	Mother f-
	Before he can finish, he is thrust into the snow in front of them.
Kyle	Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough!
	No response.
Stan	Come on, Cartman.
	No response.
Kenny	(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
Kyle	No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!
	Kyle kicks Cartman.
Kyle	Get up!
	Kyle waits a moment, then kicks him again.
Kyle	Get UP!
	Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale.
Stan	You okay, dude?
	Cartman says nothing, he sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo.
Stan	Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
Kyle	Dude, I think we broke him.
	Later, at Hell's Pass Hospital, in the waiting area.
Dr. Doctor	Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan	What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor	Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Kyle	..Oh.
Stan	But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor	What?
Kyle	We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor	No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
	Dr. Doctor turns and walks away.
Kyle	Damn it!
	Now in Cartman's room.
Stan	Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman	Bân xưa, Lee bân xưa! (rough translation: Old friends, Lee old friends!)
Stan	What?!
Cartman	Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan	Oh, he's fine, dude.
Kyle	You think?
Cartman	Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan	Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
	Back at the festivities, the Running of the Cows has ended, and Jimbo is onstage.
Jimbo	All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!
	The crowd stands silent.
Jimbo	Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked.
	Nothing. Jimbo now looks around.
Jimbo	Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!
	People in the crowd start buzzing, as Officer Barbrady approaches Tom and Mary from behind.
Mary	Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady	Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.
	Officer Barbrady cuffs them both and takes them away.
Mary	Oh my God!
	At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.
Stan	How's he doing?
Kyle	He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman	Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan	Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle	Yeah, I think so.
Stan	Cool.
	The boys pass by a man in uniform, and his wife.
Cartman	Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
Soldier	Huh?
Cartman	Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier	Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
Cartman	Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
Soldier	Beat it, kid! Come on, honey.
	They walk away, an announcement over the loudspeaker gets the attention of carnival-goers.
Chamber of Farts Operator	Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!
	A crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is lost among the mass of people.
Stan	Jesus, dude!
Kyle	Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan	Oh, hell!
Kenny	(I don't know where he went!)
Stan	Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny	(Okay.)
	South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and seemingly forgotten.
Tom	Hoh, it's so cold here.
Mary	Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom	Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
Mary	You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom	Yeah, and at least we've got our health.
	A rat runs by.
	Over at a ranch, two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field.
Grey Hat	I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
Mitchell	Where are they again?
Grey Hat	Just right up over this ridge.
	The ranchers reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.
Grey Hat	That's what they've been doin' all morning, just sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell	Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
Grey Hat	[Ponders] Hmm. Cow cult.
	Back at the carnival, rodeo riders test their skill. One of them loses when his horse throws him off.
Announcer	The grand-daddy of 'em all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bull-riding event. Grand prize: $5000!
Stan	Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
Kenny	(I don't know, can't find him.)
Kyle	He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
Kenny	(I know, I know!)
Cartman	[Off-camera.] Hello, prease! Hello!
Stan	[Points to him.] There he is!
	Cartman emerges from the crowd, now wearing a hot-pink two piece outfit, orange blush, and an oriental wig.
Cartman	Fucky-sucky, five dorrah.
	Back at the police station, Tom and Mary still sit and wait.
	Back on the hill, Jimbo and Ned have joined the two ranchers.
Grey Hat	Here they are, just like we told you.
	Jimbo has had enough of the Cows' shenanigans.
Jimbo	Okay, that's enough-a that! You cows need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows!
	The cows are unphased.
Jimbo	All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
	Ned lashes out his whip which makes a loud crack.
Ned	Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!
	He lashes out again and makes contact with a cow, this causes the herd to move in on him.
Ned	Bad cows stay! Stay!
	The cows are pissed. They rush in and trample him into the ground.
Ned	AAAAAH!
Jimbo	Holy crow! Play dead, Ned!
Grey Hat	[Still on the ridge, casually.] I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell	I reckon.
	Back at the rodeo, the boys have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride.
Kyle	Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
Stan	Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
Cartman	Fucky-sucky five dollah.
Announcer	Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!
	The crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation.
Announcer	Three, two, one.
	The the gate opens and Jack goes forth.
Jack	Yeehaw! Yehoo! Yeehaw!
	The bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air.
Jack	Aaaaaaaa!
	He lands, gored by another bull's horns, and dies.
Announcer	Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. Up next, number 14, Ming Li!
Cartman	Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer	Here we go!
Stan	Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle	What do you mean?
Stan	I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer	Let her go!
	The gate thrusts open, and "Ming Li" goes forth.
Cartman	Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle	Hang on, Cartman!
Announcer	Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull!
	Frank Hammond, his, partner, looks bored.
Announcer	I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean.
	Frank Hammond simply blinks.
Cartman	Aaah! Ten dorrah!
	Still riding the bull, the crowd cheers on.
Cartman	Ten dollah, soldier boy!
Announcer	She's setting a new world record!
	The crowd jumping up and down begin to chant.
Crowd	Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
	The bull finally bucks Cartman off.
Cartman	Gaaah!
	He ends up in the snow, where the bull comes and kicks him like a football.
Cartman	Heeee!
Stan	Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle	Go help him, Kenny!
	Kenny starts to climb over the fencing into the ring but has second thoughts.
Kenny	(Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!)
	The bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear.
Stan	Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle	You bastards!
	A rodeo clown picks Cartman up and carries him off.
Announcer	And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today!
	His partner, rather disgusted, taps his mic until it falls.
Announcer	The winner of the bull-riding contest, Ming Li!
	The rodeo clown places Cartman in a barrel.
Cartman	Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
Stan	We did it, dude, we did it!
	Kyle smiles. Elsewhere, the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows.
Agent	Freeze, cows!
	The cows look up, startled.
Agent	The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!
	Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them.
Jimbo	You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
Agent	You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer!
	Ned opens the back door to the trailer.
Agent	Move!
	The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left, walking away.
Jimbo	Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!
	The cow walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them.
Agent	Oh, dear Jesus, no!
	The cow walks off the cliff, where it falls to its death.
Cow	Mooooo!
Jimbo	Nnoo!
	The other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one.
Jimbo	They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!
	Jimbo weeps into his hands.
Agent	This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
	South Park Police Station, Tom and Mary still wait in jail. Back at the carnival, the boys walk over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Toss-A-Ball Operator	Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
Stan	Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle	How many ball does that get us?
Cartman	[Still Ming Li.] Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator	Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle	You will?
Stan	Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?
	The operator starts tossing down the dolls.
Kyle	We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman	Ten dollah? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle	What are we gonna do with them?
	Stan begins to answer but before he can, the head of the Terrance doll which he is holding simply falls off.
Stan	We should-
	He looks down with Kyle at the head on the ground, horrified.
Kyle	..What the-?
Stan	Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!
	One of the Phillip doll's legs falls off.
Kyle	After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!
	Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison, and a small crowd show up.
Officer Barbrady	What's all this?
Kyle	Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
Mr. Garrison	You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
Father Maxi	Yeah, and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts operator	Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect?
	Everyone starts arguing all at once, except Barbrady and the boys.
Officer Barbrady	Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
Townspeople	Yeah!
Officer Barbrady	Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
Line ride operator	..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady	Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans!
	The town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch.
	One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area.
Mayor McDaniels	You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo	Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels	And the cows? Are they all back, too?
Jimbo	They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [Sobs.]
Mayor McDaniels	What?!
Jimbo	Oho, it was awful! [Weeps.] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
Mayor McDaniels	Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo	[Still sad.] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. God I need a cold beer and a burger.
	Jimbo hears the commotion from the nearby crowd and perks up.
Jimbo	What's all the ruckus over there?
	He sees the townsfolk beating on the carnival people.
Mayor McDaniels	Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo	Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
	Back at the police station.
Officer Barbrady	All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with- [Voice wavering.] Oooooh?
	Officer Barbrady notices the remains of Tom and Mary, who are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats have begun eating parts of them.
Jimbo	Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
Officer Barbrady	[Nervously.] Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels	Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo	Aw, I forgot all about 'em.
Officer Barbrady	Uh me, too.
Mayor McDaniels	Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Officer Barbrady	I didn't?
Mayor McDaniels	No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Officer Barbrady	Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
	The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Stan	[With a Terrance doll.] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
Kyle	[With a Phillip doll.] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
Cartman	[Arrives, back to normal.] What are you guys doing?
Stan	Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman	Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle	Really? What about?
Cartman	Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours.
	He notices the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman	Hey, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan	Oh-h. Nowhere.
	Stan and Kyle start giggling.
Cartman	Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle	No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
	A limousine pulls up and Leonardo DiCaprio is at the window.
Leonardo DiCaprio	Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again.
	Stan and Kyle laugh even harder, as the limo drives off.
Cartman	Oh! Son of a bitch!
End of Cow Days