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The official script for "Cow Days" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
  • Cows
  • Father Maxi
  • Toss-A-Ball Operator
  • Chamber of Farts Operator
  • Frank Hammond
  • Halfy
  • Bob, W.T.H.I.T! host
  • Tom and Mary
  • Cowgirl
  • Cow Memorial
  • Two Cowboys, one of them Mitchell
  • FBI sharpshooters
  • Jack McMack
  • Dr. Doctor

Script

Cow Days
A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and his assistant stand near the contestants.
Host
Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?
Tom and Mary
We're ready, Bob!
Bob
Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary
Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!
Tom
Oh, anywhere'd be great!
Bob
Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?
A 9 second count-down begins.
Tom
Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this.
Tom grips his head with both hands as time runs out.
Mary
The upper vascular hood.
Bob
I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
Tom and Mary are overjoyed.
Bob
Fred tell 'em what they've won.
Fred the Announcer
Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado!
A woman dressed as a cowgirl shows off a picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs.
Mary
Where?
Fred the Announcer
That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.
A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions appear.
Fred the Announcer
Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows!
The audience Awww's as a group of cows is shown.
Fred the Announcer
Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Bob
Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
Tom
What was second prize again?
Bob
That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...
The audience joins him in saying.
Bob and Audience
Ooo, What The Hell Is That!
The theme music plays before they cut to commercial.
Mary
Ah shit!
South Park rodeo. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels, nearby on the carnival stage, Mayor McDaniels and her aides are standing.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!
Cheers go up. Mayor McDaniels and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them.
Mayor McDaniels
As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow.
The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels
And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!
Jimbo walks up to the mic.
Jimbo
This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!
A giant curtain covers a large object.
Jimbo
Which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain!
The curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed. It's wooden, buddhaesque, in appearance, a dark gold color, with a large clock encased in its belly. The clock shows 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is at the front of the crowd, as are Tom and Mary.
Mary
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom
Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.
Mary
Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
Mayor McDaniels
Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
The carnival gets underway. People mill around, the boys approach a booth that says "3 for $5".
Toss-a-Ball Operator
Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.
Kyle
Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
A fanfare plays as a close-up of the dolls are shown.
Stan
Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle
Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
Operator
Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan
Really?
Operator
Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.
The operator shows the boys the tag, which reads

"TEЯENSE AND PHILLUP"

Cartman
Wwow!
Kyle
Dude, that kicks ass!
Cartman
[Breathlessly.] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
Operator
Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman
Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator
Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.
A wooden board featuring a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt's face is shown, a gaping hole where her mouth should be.
Cartman
That's easy!
Operator
Okay, we've got a player!
Cartman
Ay! Check it out!
He tosses a ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth.
Cartman
Damn it!
Operator
It's okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman
Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
He chucks another ball at her, and misses.
Kyle
You suck, Cartman!
Cartman
I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle
Give me that!
Kyle takes the final ball from Cartman, and throws it. Direct hit, it goes into the mouth, but falls out and away.
Kyle
Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator
It's gotta go through her mouth.
Kyle
But ih-
Operator
Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
Kyle
Here, give me some money, Cartman!
Cartman looks at him and starts laughing.
Kyle
Lend me money, fat boy!
Cartman
I only have three dollars left, asshole!
Kyle
Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom.
The boys walk off.
Jimbo
[Still onstage.] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows!
The crowd cheers. Kyle has found his parents.
Kyle
Mom, give me some money!
Sheila
Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
Kyle
I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila
Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out on the streets!
Kyle
I will if you give me money!
Sheila
Okay, here!
She hands him some bills, and he walks off.
Cartman
Sweet.
Back on stage, Jimbo gives more instructions to the crowd, which is still cheering.
Jimbo
Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows.
The crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering.
Jimbo
With that said, let's rock and roll!
The crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too.
Jimbo
Everybody ready to run? Release the cows!
The corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth.
Jimbo
They're loose!
Jimbo leaves the stage, the cows look bewildered at the townsfolk.
Cows
Mooooo?!
The townsfolk scream wildly, while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more. Ned runs directly into a telephone pole and falls.
Ned
Ow.
One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole.
Jimbo
[Running by.] Yeehaw!
A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming.
Back at the carnival, a ride named "Chamber of Farts" stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter.
Kyle
Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman
I only need one, dude. I only need one.
Operator
Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
Stan
What's that?
Operator
Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman
How much is it?
Operator
Just three tickets, boys.
Chamber of Farts Ride
Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Kyle
Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator
Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman
Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five.
Kyle
No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman
Oh come on, you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle
You'd better be right, dude.
Cartman
I'm right!
The boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in.
Operator
Keep your hands inside at all times.
Kyle
Okay.
They go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanoes poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops.
Chamber of Farts Ride
So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS!
The car starts up again, and Cartman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet.
Cartman
Eh! God-damnit!
As they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs.
Stan
What the hell was that?
Chamber of Farts Ride
Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!
The car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns.
Operator
All right, boys. Ride's over.
Kyle
That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan
Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman
[As they step down.] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle
That was a waste of money, Cartman!
Operator
Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
Kyle
We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman
Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money.
Cartman is down to $11.00, as he goes to get in line for the ride.
Cartman
Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. In the other area of the carnival, the boys are nearing the end of the line for the ride.
Kyle
This ride better be good!
Stan
Yeah, this line is way too long!
Cartman
I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle
We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan
Here we go.
The boys pass under a banner that reads

"LINE RIDE"

Kyle
Finally!
Line Ride Operator
Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan
What ride?
Kyle
Yeah.
Line Ride Operator
This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
Kyle
Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line Ride Operator
That's five tickets, thank you very much.
The boys leave with $6.00 remaining.
Line Ride Operator
Come see us again soon.
Stan
My ass we will!
Kyle
Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan
Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Photo Seller
Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride?
They are shown the picture.
Cartman
How much?
Photo Seller
Just three dollars.
Cartman
Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet.
They are now left with $3.00.
Kyle
You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman
What? This is cool.
Kyle
No, it's not cool!
Cartman
It is, too!
They head back over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Operator
Can I help you boys.
Stan
We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator
O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
Kyle
How much do we have left, Cartman?
Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer.
Kyle
How much do we have left, Cartman?!
Cartman
Aah, three dollars.
Kyle
What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
Cartman
Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
Kyle
You son of a bitch! Aaargh!
Kyle lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.
Cartman
Ey! Seriously!
A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again.
Kyle
Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman
Well, I'm sorry!
Kyle
Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman
[Thinks a moment.] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny
[Pulls some out.] (What? These?)
Stan
Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator
Sure, as long as they're good.
Kyle
Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
Kenny
(Nuh uh.)
Kyle
Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny
(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
Cartman
Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends!
Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls.
Kyle
Okay. Here we go.
Kyle chucks the first ball directly into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away.
Kyle
Hey! That was right on target.
Operator
Sorry, kid. Try again.
Kyle throws the next ball in, again directly on target, but it too bounces away.
Kyle
That does it! Shenanigans!
He points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around.
Kyle
SHENANIGANS!
Operator
Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle
I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator
Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady
What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle
Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Officer Barbrady
Why?
Kyle
This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady
If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just.
Barbrady raises his baton and points it at the operator.
Officer Barbrady
What do you have to say, carnival operator?
Operator
Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son.
The operator reaches inside the counter and switches balls to give Kyle a smaller one.
Operator
Here you go.
Kyle tosses it, and it soars through the mouth.
Operator
There, you see? We have a winner!
Kyle
It worked!
Officer Barbrady
Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
Stan
Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
Officer Barbrady
Barbrady!
Stan
Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
Officer Barbrady
You said Buttbaby.
The boys start laughing after a few seconds.
Cartman
Sweet.
Operator
Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
Kyle
No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator
Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
Kyle
What?!
Operator
You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade 'em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle
You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
Operator
[Ignoring them, speaking to the crowd] Step on up, just five dollars to play!
Kyle
Damnit, I have to have those dolls!
He walks off pissed. The others follow.
Stan
This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle
[Something stops him.] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bull-riding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5,000.
The boys look at him.
Kyle
Think about it, dude: $5,000. That's 1,000 set of balls. That's 3,000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman
What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle
[Grabbing Cartman by the collar.] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Cartman
O-kay, I'll get on the bull.
Kyle
All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!
Kyle walks away. The others watch him.
Stan
[To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.
Cartman
I guess, damn!
Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11.
Mary
That ride wasn't very good.
Tom
Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary
You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
The Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive. Meanwhile, at a nearby bar.
Stan
Alright, this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
Cartman
Hey, this is sweet.
Kyle
You gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
Cartman
I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan
We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.
Kenny presses the switch, and the mechanical bull starts to move.
Cartman
Ye-gah!
The bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up.
Cartman
Ow!
Cartman shattered the glass, which scatters all around.
Cartman
Son of a bitch!
Stan
How long was that?
Kyle
That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan
Damn it!
They all walk over to Cartman.
Stan
That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
Cartman
[Whispering.] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
Kyle
Get back on, fat-ass! You have to practice!
Cartman
[Whispering.] Seriously. Help.
None of the boys step forth to help him.
Cartman
Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle
What'd you say, Cartman??
Cartman
[Whispering.] I hate you guys!
Kyle
I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman
[Whispering.] Hate you guys.
The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.
Elsewhere, the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on.
Rancher
Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle
Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher
Well, have fun, boys.
Kyle
Okay, Cartman. You ready?
Cartman
[Hesitantly.] Nnoo.
Kyle
Open the gate!
Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left.
Cartman
All right, get down. This is my kind of bull-ride.
Kyle
[Whispers to Stan.] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman
Yeah, this is sweet!
Stan
What are you going to do?
Kyle
Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan
Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.
Kyle chucks a snowball at the bull's testicles and gets a direct hit. The bull starts bucking, pissed off.
Cartman
Eeyy!
Kyle
That's better.
Stan
Hold on, Cartman!
Cartman
Ey! Seriously, you guys! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing!
The bull throws him off.
Cartman
Mother f-
Before he can finish, he is thrust into the snow in front of them.
Kyle
Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough!
No response.
Stan
Come on, Cartman.
No response.
Kenny
(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
Kyle
No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!
Kyle kicks Cartman.
Kyle
Get up!
Kyle waits a moment, then kicks him again.
Kyle
Get UP!
Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale.
Stan
You okay, dude?
Cartman says nothing, he sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo.
Stan
Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
Kyle
Dude, I think we broke him.
Later, at Hell's Pass Hospital, in the waiting area.
Dr. Doctor
Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan
What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor
Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Kyle
..Oh.
Stan
But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor
What?
Kyle
We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor
No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
Dr. Doctor turns and walks away.
Kyle
Damn it!
Now in Cartman's room.
Stan
Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman
Bân xưa, Lee bân xưa!

(rough translation: Old friends, Lee old friends!)

Stan
What?!
Cartman
Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan
Oh, he's fine, dude.
Kyle
Cartman
Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan
Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
Back at the festivities, the Running of the Cows has ended, and Jimbo is onstage.
Jimbo
All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!
The crowd stands silent.
Jimbo
Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked.
Nothing. Jimbo now looks around.
Jimbo
Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!
People in the crowd start buzzing, as Officer Barbrady approaches Tom and Mary from behind.
Mary
Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady
Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.
Officer Barbrady cuffs them both and takes them away.
Mary
Oh my God!
At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.
Stan
How's he doing?
Kyle
He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman
Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan
Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle
Yeah, I think so.
Stan
Cool.
The boys pass by a man in uniform, and his wife.
Cartman
Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
Soldier
Huh?
Cartman
Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier
Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
Cartman
Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
Soldier
Beat it, kid! Come on, honey.
They walk away, an announcement over the loudspeaker gets the attention of carnival-goers.
Chamber of Farts Operator
Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!
A crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is lost among the mass of people.
Stan
Jesus, dude!
Kyle
Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan
Oh, hell!
Kenny
(I don't know where he went!)
Stan
Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny
(Okay.)
South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and seemingly forgotten.
Tom
Hoh, it's so cold here.
Mary
Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom
Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
Mary
You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom
Yeah, and at least we've got our health.
A rat runs by.
Over at a ranch, two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field.
Grey Hat
I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
Mitchell
Where are they again?
Grey Hat
Just right up over this ridge.
The ranchers reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.
Grey Hat
That's what they've been doin' all morning, just sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell
Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
Grey Hat
[Ponders] Hmm. Cow cult.
Back at the carnival, rodeo riders test their skill. One of them loses when his horse throws him off.
Announcer
The grand-daddy of 'em all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bull-riding event. Grand prize: $5000!
Stan
Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
Kenny
(I don't know, can't find him.)
Kyle
He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
Kenny
(I know, I know!)
Cartman
[Off-camera.] Hello, prease! Hello!
Stan
[Points to him.] There he is!
Cartman emerges from the crowd, now wearing a hot-pink two piece outfit, orange blush, and an oriental wig.
Cartman
Sucky-sucky, five dorrah.
Back at the police station, Tom and Mary still sit and wait.
Back on the hill, Jimbo and Ned have joined the two ranchers.
Grey Hat
Here they are, just like we told you.
Jimbo has had enough of the Cows' shenanigans.
Jimbo
Okay, that's enough-a that! You cows need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows!
The cows are unphased.
Jimbo
All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
Ned lashes out his whip which makes a loud crack.
Ned
Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!
He lashes out again and makes contact with a cow, this causes the herd to move in on him.
Ned
Bad cows stay! Stay!
The cows are pissed. They rush in and trample him into the ground.
Ned
AAAAAH!
Jimbo
Holy crow! Play dead, Ned!
Grey Hat
[Still on the ridge, casually.] I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell
I reckon.
Back at the rodeo, the boys have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride.
Kyle
Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
Stan
Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
Cartman
Sucky-sucky five dollah.
Announcer
Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!
The crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation.
Announcer
Three, two, one.
The the gate opens and Jack goes forth.
Jack
Yeehaw! Yehoo! Yeehaw!
The bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air.
Jack
Aaaaaaaa!
He lands, gored by another bull's horns, and dies.
Announcer
Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. Up next, number 14, Ming Li!
Cartman
Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer
Here we go!
Stan
Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle
What do you mean?
Stan
I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer
Let her go!
The gate thrusts open, and "Ming Li" goes forth.
Cartman
Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle
Hang on, Cartman!
Announcer
Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull!
Frank Hammond, his, partner, looks bored.
Announcer
I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean.
Frank Hammond simply blinks.
Cartman
Aaah! Ten dorrah!
Still riding the bull, the crowd cheers on.
Cartman
Ten dollah, soldier boy!
Announcer
She's setting a new world record!
The crowd jumping up and down begin to chant.
Crowd
Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
The bull finally bucks Cartman off.
Cartman
Gaaah!
He ends up in the snow, where the bull comes and kicks him like a football.
Cartman
Heeee!
Stan
Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle
Go help him, Kenny!
Kenny starts to climb over the fencing into the ring but has second thoughts.
Kenny
(Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!)
The bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear.
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
A rodeo clown picks Cartman up and carries him off.
Announcer
And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today!
His partner, rather disgusted, taps his mic until it falls.
Announcer
The winner of the bull-riding contest, Ming Li!
The rodeo clown places Cartman in a barrel.
Cartman
Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
Stan
We did it, dude, we did it!
Kyle smiles. Elsewhere, the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows.
Agent
Freeze, cows!
The cows look up, startled.
Agent
The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!
Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them.
Jimbo
You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
Agent
You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer!
Ned opens the back door to the trailer.
Agent
Move!
The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left, walking away.
Jimbo
Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!
The cow walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them.
Agent
Oh, dear Jesus, no!
The cow walks off the cliff, where it falls to its death.
Cow
Mooooo!
Jimbo
Nnoo!
The other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one.
Jimbo
They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!
Jimbo weeps into his hands.
Agent
This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
South Park Police Station, Tom and Mary still wait in jail. Back at the carnival, the boys walk over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Toss-A-Ball Operator
Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
Stan
Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle
How many ball does that get us?
Cartman
[Still Ming Li.] Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator
Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle
You will?
Stan
Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?
The operator starts tossing down the dolls.
Kyle
We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman
Ten dollah? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle
What are we gonna do with them?
Stan begins to answer but before he can, the head of the Terrance doll which he is holding simply falls off.
Stan
We should-
He looks down with Kyle at the head on the ground, horrified.
Kyle
..What the-?
Stan
Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!
One of the Phillip doll's legs falls off.
Kyle
After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!
Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison, and a small crowd show up.
Officer Barbrady
What's all this?
Kyle
Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
Mr. Garrison
You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
Father Maxi
Yeah, and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts Operator
Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect?
Everyone starts arguing all at once, except Barbrady and the boys.
Officer Barbrady
Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
Townspeople
Yeah!
Officer Barbrady
Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
Line Ride Operator
..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady
Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans!
The town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch.
One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area.
Mayor McDaniels
You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo
Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels
And the cows? Are they all back, too?
Jimbo
They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [Sobs.]
Mayor McDaniels
What?!
Jimbo
Oho, it was awful! [Weeps.] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
Mayor McDaniels
Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo
[Still sad.] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. God I need a cold beer and a burger.
Jimbo hears the commotion from the nearby crowd and perks up.
Jimbo
What's all the ruckus over there?
He sees the townsfolk beating on the carnival people.
Mayor McDaniels
Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo
Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
Back at the police station.
Officer Barbrady
All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with- [Voice wavering.] Oooooh?
Officer Barbrady notices the remains of Tom and Mary, who are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats have begun eating parts of them.
Jimbo
Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
Officer Barbrady
[Nervously.] Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels
Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo
Aw, I forgot all about 'em.
Officer Barbrady
Uh me, too.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Officer Barbrady
I didn't?
Mayor McDaniels
No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Officer Barbrady
Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Stan
[With a Terrance doll.] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
Kyle
[With a Phillip doll.] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
Cartman
[Arrives, back to normal.] What are you guys doing?
Stan
Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman
Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle
Really? What about?
Cartman
Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours.
He notices the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman
Hey, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan
Oh-h. Nowhere.
Stan and Kyle start giggling.
Cartman
Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle
No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
A limousine pulls up and Leonardo DiCaprio is at the window.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again.
Stan and Kyle laugh even harder, as the limo drives off.
Cartman
Oh! Son of a bitch!
End of Cow Days


  213: "Cow Days" edit
Story Elements

Jennifer Love HewittMing LiLeonardo DiCaprioFederal Bureau of Investigation

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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