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Cow Days/Script

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The official script for "Cow Days" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!


  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
  • Cows
  • Father Maxi
  • Toss-A-Ball Operator
  • Chamber of Farts Operator
  • Frank Hammond
  • Halfy
  • Bob, W.T.H.I.T! host
  • Tom and Mary
  • Cowgirl
  • Cow Memorial
  • Two Cowboys, one of them Mitchell
  • FBI sharpshooters
  • Jack McMack
  • Dr. Doctor
[A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and lady assistant stand near them]
Host: Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?
Tom and Mary: We're ready, Bob!
Bob: Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary: Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!
Tom: Oh, any where'd be great!
Bob: Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum? [the couple has 9 seconds to answer]
Tom: Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this. [grips his head with both hands as time runs out]
Mary: The upper vascular hood.
Bob: I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. [Tom and Mary exult] Fred tell 'em what they've won.
Announcer: Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado! [a cowgirl shows off the picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs]
Mary: Where?
Announcer: That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival. [A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions show up] Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows! [the audience is awed as a group of cows is shown] Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Bob: Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
Tom: What was second prize again?
Bob: That's all for now. See you tomorrow on [the audience joins him here] "Ooo, What The Hell Is That!" [the theme music plays them to commercial]
Mary: Ah shit!
[South Park rodeo. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels.]
[the carnival stage, on which Mayor McDaniels and her aides now stand]
Mayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days! [cheers go up. Mayor McDaniels and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them] As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow. [the crowd cheers wildly] And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!
Jimbo: [approaches the mic] This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial! [a curtain covers it still] Which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain! [the curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed, with a large clock attacked to its belly. It is now 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is up front, and Tom and Mary are next to him]
Mary: This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom: Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.
Mary: Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
Mayor McDaniels: Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
[the carnival gets underway. People mill around, the boys approach a booth that says "3 for $5"]
Toss-a-Ball Operator: Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.
Kyle: Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls. [fanfare and close-up of the dolls]
Stan: Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle: Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
Operator: Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan: Really?
Operator: Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves. [shows them the tag: "TERENSE AND PHILLUP" with the R backwards]
Cartman: Wwow!
Kyle: Dude, that kicks ass!
Cartman: [breathlessly] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
Operator: Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman: Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator: Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth. [duly shown]
Cartman: That's easy!
Operator: Okay, we've got a player!
Cartman: Ay! Check it out! [tossed the ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth] Damn it!
Operator: It's okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman: Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt! [fires away again, and misses]
Kyle: You suck, Cartman!
Cartman: I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle: Give me that! [takes the ball and throws it. It goes into the mouth, but falls out and away] Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator: It's gotta go through her mouth.
Kyle: But ih-
Operator: Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
Kyle: Here, give me some money, Cartman! [Cartman looks at him and starts laughing] Lend me money, fat boy!
Cartman: I only have three dollars left, asshole!
Kyle: Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom. [the boys walk off]
Jimbo: [onstage] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows! [the crowd cheers]
Kyle: [finds his parents] Mom, give me some money!
Sheila: Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
Kyle: I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila: Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out on the streets!
Kyle: I will if you give me money!
Sheila: Okay, here! [hands him some bills. Kyle moves away]
Cartman: Sweet.
[Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things to tell the guests]
Jimbo: [amid cheers] Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows. [the crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering] With that said, let's rock and roll! [the crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too] Everybody ready to run? [yes] Release the cows! [the corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth] They're loose! [leaves the stage]
Cows: [bewildered at the townsfolk] Mooooo?!
[The townsfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more.]
Ned: [runs into a phone pole and falls] Ow.
[One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole]
Jimbo: [runs by] Yeehaw!
[A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming]
[the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter]
Kyle: Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman: I only need one, dude. I only need one.
Operator: Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
Stan: What's that?
Operator: Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman: How much is it?
Operator: Just three tickets, boys. [into the mic] Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Kyle: Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator: Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman: Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five.
Kyle: No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman: Oh come on, you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle: You'd better be right, dude.
Cartman: I'm right!
Operator: [the boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in] Keep your hands inside at all times.
Kyle: Okay.
[they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanoes poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops]
Operator: So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS! [the car starts up again, and Cartman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet]
Cartman: Eh! God-damnit! [as they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs]
Stan: What the hell was that?
Operator: Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS! [the car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns] All right, boys. Ride's over.
Kyle: That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan: Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman: [as they step down] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle: That was a waste of money, Cartman!
Operator: Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
Kyle: We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman: Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money. [$12. Cartman gets into line, then goes back for the others] Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
[The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. Back in the line, the boys near the front of it]
Kyle: This ride better be good!
Stan: Yeah, this line is way too long!
Cartman: I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle: We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan: Here we go. [passes under a LINE RIDE banner]
Kyle: Finally!
Line Ride Operator: Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan: What ride?
Kyle: Yeah.
Line Ride Operator: This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
Kyle: Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line Ride Operator: That's five tickets, thank you very much. [a two-ticket discount! The boys pay up and leave with $7] Come see us again soon.
Stan: My ass we will!
Kyle: Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan: Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Photo Seller: Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride? [shows them the picture]
Cartman: How much?
Photo Seller: Just three dollars.
Cartman: Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet. [buys the picture, now has $4]
Kyle: You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman: What? This is cool.
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: It is, too! [they head back to Toss-A-Ball]
Operator: Can I help you boys.
Stan: We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator: O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
Kyle: How much do we have left, Cartman? [Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer] How much do we have left, Cartman?!
Cartman: Aah, three dollars.
Kyle: What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
Cartman: Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
Kyle: You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.]
Cartman: Ey! Seriously!
[A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again]
Kyle: Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry!
Kyle: Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman: [thinks a moment] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny: [pulls some out] (What? These?)
Stan: Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator: Sure, as long as they're good.
Kyle: Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
Kenny: (Nuh uh)
Kyle: Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny: (Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
Cartman: Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends! [Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls]
Kyle: Okay. Here we go. [throws the first ball into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away] Hey! That was right on target.
Operator: Sorry, kid. Try again.
Kyle: [throws the next ball in, but it bounces away] That does it! Shenanigans! [points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around] SHENANIGANS!
Operator: Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle: I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator: Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady: What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Officer Barbrady: Why?
Kyle: This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady: If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just. [raises his baton and points it at the operator] What do you have to say, carnival operator?
Operator: Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son. [reaches behind the counter and switches balls. Kyle gets a smaller one] Here you go. [Kyle tosses it, and it goes clear through the mouth] There, you see? We have a winner!
Kyle: It worked!
Officer Barbrady: Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
Stan: Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
Officer Barbrady: Barbrady!
Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
Officer Barbrady: You said Buttbaby. [the boys start laughing after a few seconds]
Cartman: Sweet.
Operator: Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
Kyle: No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator: Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
Kyle: What?!
Operator: You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade 'em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
Operator: Step on up, just five dollars to play!
Kyle: Damnit, I have to have those dolls! [walks off pissed. The others follow]
Stan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle: [something stops him] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5000. [the other boys look at him] Think about it, dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. That's 3000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman: What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle: [grabbing Cartman by the collar] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Cartman: O-kay, I'll get on the bull.
Kyle: All right! Now, come on! We have to practice! [walks away. The others watch him]
Stan: [to Cartman] He really wants those dolls.
Cartman: I guess, damn!
[Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11]
Mary: That ride wasn't very good.
Tom: Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary: You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
[the Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive]
[the town bar]
Stan: Alright, this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
Cartman: Hey, this is sweet.
Kyle: You gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
Cartman: I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan: We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go. [Kenny presses the switch. The mechanical bull starts to move]
Cartman: Ye-gah! [the bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up] Ow! [glass scatters all around] Son of a bitch!
Stan: How long was that?
Kyle: That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan: Damn it! [all go to Cartman] That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
Cartman: [whispering] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
Kyle: Get back on, fat-ass! You have to practice!
Cartman: [whispering] Seriously. Help. [none of the other boys moves] Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle: What'd you say, Cartman??
Cartman: [whispering] I hate you guys!
Kyle: I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman: [whispering] Hate you guys.
[The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.]
[the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on]
Rancher: Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle: Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher: Well, have fun, boys.
Kyle: Okay, Cartman. You ready?
Cartman: [hesitantly] Nnoo.
Kyle: Open the gate! [Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left]
Cartman: All right, get down. This is my kind of bull-ride.
Kyle: [whispers to Stan] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman: Yeah, this is sweet!
Stan: What are you going to do?
Kyle: Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan: Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. [the snowball leaves Kyle's hand and hits its target. The bull starts bucking in pain]
Cartman: Eeyy!
Kyle: That's better.
Stan: Hold on, Cartman!
Cartman: Ey! Seriously, you guys! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing! [the bull throws him off] Mother f- [lands in the snow in front of them]
Kyle: Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough! [no response]
Stan: Come on, Cartman. [no response]
Kenny: (Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
Kyle: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing! [kicks Cartman] Get up! [waits, then kicks him again] Get UP! [Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale]
Stan: You okay, dude? [nothing. Cartman sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo] Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
Kyle: Dude, I think we broke him.
[Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area]
Dr. Doctor: Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan: What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor: Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Kyle: ..Oh.
Stan: But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor: What?
Kyle: We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor: No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep. [turns and walks away]
Kyle: [waits until the doctor is gone] Damn it!
Stan: [now with Kyle and Kenny in his recovery room] Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman: Bân xưa, Lee bân xưa! (rough translation: Old friends, Lee old friends!)
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan: Oh, he's fine, dude.
Kyle: You think?
Cartman: Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan: Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
[The Running of the Cows is ended and Jimbo is onstage.]
Jimbo: All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you! [the crowd stands silent] Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked. [nothing. Jimbo now looks around] Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial! [people start buzzing]
Mary: [Officer Barbrady comes up behind the couple] Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady: Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists. [cuffs them both and takes them away]
Mary: Oh my God!
[At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.]
Stan: How's he doing?
Kyle: He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman: Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan: Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
Stan: Cool. [they cross paths with an soldier and his wife]
Cartman: Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
Soldier: Huh?
Cartman: Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier: Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
Cartman: Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
Soldier: Beat it, kid! Come on, honey. [they walk away]
[the Chamber of Farts again.]
Chamber of Farts Operator: Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen! [a crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is gone]
Stan: Jesus, dude!
Kyle: Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan: [looks at the others present] Oh, hell!
Kenny: (I don't know where he went!)
Stan: Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny: (Okay.)
[South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten]
Tom: Hoh, it's so cold here.
Mary: Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom: Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
Mary: You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom: Yeah, and at least we've got our health. [a rat runs by]
[Ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field]
Grey Hat: I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
Mitchell: Where are they again?
Grey Hat: Just right up over this ridge. [they reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.] That's what they've been doin' all morning, just sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell: Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
Grey Hat: [ponders] Hm. Cow cult.
[back at the carnival, rodeo riders try out their luck. One of them loses his luck when his horse throws him off]
Announcer: The grand-daddy of 'em all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bull-riding event. Grand prize: $5000!
Stan: Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
Kenny: (I don't know, can't find him.)
Kyle: He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
Kenny: (I know, I know!)
Cartman: [off-camera] Hello, prease! Hello!
Stan: [points to him] There he is!
Cartman: [emerges from the crowd in hot-pink two-piece outfit, orange purse, blush, and Oriental wig] Sucky-sucky, five dorrah.
[back at the police station jail, Tom and Mary just sit and wait..]
[Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on the ridge]
Grey Hat: Here they are, just like we told you. [cows are gathered before a giant cow buddha statue]
Jimbo: [now standing before the cows] Okay, that's enough-a that! You cows need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows! [the cows stand still] All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
Ned: [reaches for his whip and cracks it] Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies! [cracks the whip again, and strikes a cow. The cows lurch forward] Bad cows stay! Stay! [these cows are pissed. They rush in and pound him into the ground] AAAAAH!
Jimbo: [hollering] Holy crow! Play dead, Ned!
Grey Hat: [still on the ridge, casually] I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell: I reckon.
[the boys now have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride]
Kyle: Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
Stan: Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
Cartman: Sucky-sucky five dollah.
Announcer: Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack! [the crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation] Three, two, one. [the gate opens and Jack goes forth]
Jack: Yeehaw! Yehoo! Yeehaw! [the bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air] Aaaaaaaa! [lands on the horns of another bull and dies]
Announcer: Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. [a shot of the boys, then of Cartman] Up next, number 14, Ming Li!
Cartman: Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer: Here we go!
Stan: Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle: What do you mean?
Stan: I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer: Let her go! [the gate opens and Cartman goes forth]
Cartman: Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle: Hang on, Cartman! [Cartman is still on the bull]
Announcer: Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull! [Frank Hammond! His partner looks bored] I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean. [the partner simply blinks]
Cartman: Aaah! Ten dorrah! [still on. The crowd cheers] Ten dollah, soldier boy!
Announcer: She's setting a new world record!
Crowd: [jumping up and down] Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
Cartman: [the bull finally bucks him off] Gaaah! [he ends up in the snow. The bull comes and kicks him like a football] Heeee!
Stan: [up on the fence with Kyle and Kenny] Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle: Go help him, Kenny!
Kenny: [climbs down and is about to enter, but] (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!) [the bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards! [a clown picks Cartman up and carries him off]
Announcer: And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today! [his partner, rather disgusted at the announcer, taps his mic until it falls] The winner of the bull-riding contest, Ming Li!
Cartman: [the clown places him in a barrel] Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
Stan: We did it, dude, we did it! [Kyle smiles]
[the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows]
Agent: Freeze, cows! [the cows look up, startled] The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns! [Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them]
Jimbo: You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
Agent: You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer! [Ned opens the back door. There's just no way..] Move! [The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left. She walks away]
Jimbo: Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow! [she walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them]
Agent: [sensing what'll happen] Oh, dear Jesus, no!
Cow: [walks off and falls] Mooooo!
Jinbo: [in horror] Nnoo! [the other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one] They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! [the suicides continue] Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity! [weeps into his hands]
Agent: This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
[Tom and Mary still wait in jail]
[The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball]
Toss-A-Ball Operator: Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
Stan: Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle: How many ball does that get us?
Cartman: [still Ming Li] Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator: Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You will?
Stan: Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden? [the operator starts tossing down the dolls]
Kyle: We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman: Ten dollah? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle: What are we gonna do with them?
Stan: [a Terrance head falls off as he turns] We should- [looks down with Kyle at the head, horrified]
Kyle: ..What the-?
Stan: Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs! [A Phillip leg falls off]
Kyle: After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS! [Barbrady, Garrison, and others show up]
Officer Barbrady: What's all this?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
Mr. Garrison: You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
Father Maxi: Yeah, and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts Operator: Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect? [everyone starts arguing all at once, except Barbrady and the boys]
Officer Barbrady: Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
Townspeople: Yeah!
Officer Barbrady: Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
Line Ride Operator: ..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady: Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans! [the town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch]
[One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area]
Mayor McDaniels: You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo: Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: And the cows? Are they all back, too?
Jimbo: They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [sobs]
Mayor McDaniels: What?!
Jimbo: Oho, it was awful! [weeps] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
Mayor McDaniels: Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo: [still sad] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. God I need a cold beer and a burger. [hears the crowd and perks up] What's all the ruckus over there? [sees the townsfolk beat on the carnival people]
Mayor McDaniels: Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo: Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
[The police station]
Officer Barbrady: All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with- [voice wavering] Oooooh? [Tom and Mary are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats are eating parts of them away.]
Jimbo: Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
Officer Barbrady: [nervously] Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo: Aw, I forgot all about 'em.
Officer Barbrady: Uh me, too.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Officer Barbrady: I didn't?
Mayor McDaniels: No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Officer Barbrady: Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls]
Stan: [with Terrance doll] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
Kyle: [with Phillip doll] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
Cartman: [arrives, back to normal] What are you guys doing?
Stan: Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman: Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours. [notices the dolls] Hey, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan: Oh-h. Nowhere. [he and Kyle start giggling]
Cartman: Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle: No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
Leonardo DiCaprio: [his limousine pulls up] Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again. [pulls away, and Stan and Kyle laugh even harder]
Cartman: Oh! Son of a bitch!
[End of Cow Days]

  213: "Cow Days" edit
Story Elements

Jennifer Love HewittMing LiLeonardo DiCaprioFederal Bureau of Investigation


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South Park: The Complete Second Season

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