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Leftarrow "Insheeption/Script" "Coon 2: Hindsight/Script" "Mysterion Rises/Script" Rightarrow

Cast

  • Eric Cartman (The Coon)
  • Stan Marsh (Toolshed)
  • Token Black (TupperWear)
  • Butters Stotch (Professor Chaos)
  • Timmy Burch (Iron Maiden)
  • Bradley Biggle (Mint-Berry Crunch)
  • Clyde Donovan (Mosquito)
  • Kyle Broflovski (The Human Kite)
  • Kenny McCormick (Mysterion)
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Liane Cartman
  • Tony Hayward
  • BP Rig Men
  • DP Executives
  • Captain Hindsight and his Butler
  • Cajun Shrimper
  • Police Commissioner
  • Fire Captain and Crew
  • Officers
  • Rescuers
  • Man
  • Woman

Script

Coon 2: Hindsight
Cartman's basement/The Coon's headquarters, day. A tapestry there now says "COON aND FRiEndS." The camera pans down to show The Coon with seven new superhero friends
Coon
My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening. [begins pacing back and forth] I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and Friends to stop it. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Toolshed.
Toolshed
Why do we have to be called "Coon and Friends"?
Coon
[stops] ...What?
Toolshed
We all fight crime together. How come we're just your "friends"?
TupperWear
[steps forward] Yeah. We wanna be called "The Extreme Avenger League."
All
Yeah! That's right. Extreme Avenger League!
Coon
I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work.
TupperWear
Why not?
Coon
It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know.
Mosquito
Why can't it be Mosquito and Friends?
Coon
Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito!
Mosquito
Have, so.
Coon
[paces again] Look guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city. [stops] Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden.
Iron Maiden
Timmeh!
Coon
Let's work, people! [the other heroes begin to leave, but Coon holds one back] Uh, Mint-Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber? [takes Mint-Berry Crunch to a corner of headquarters, sits behind a desk and sighs] Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly what is Mint-Berry Crunch supposed to mean? [Mint-Berry Crunch's jaw drops] I, I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity. [Mint-Berry Crunch just looks at himself, then back at Coon] Mint-Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint-Berry Crunch part of your costume.
Mint-Berry Crunch
[looks at himself again] Like milk?
Coon
[annoyed] No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint-Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even- [an alarm sounds]
Alarm
Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.
Coon
Uh oh! [quickly leaves his chair. The superheroes meet up again in front of a big monitor, which is receiving video in Coon-O-Vision.] What's the alert, Mosquito?
Mosquito
There's like a big fire or something in town.
Coon
What? A fire? Coon volume up! [grabs the remote and clicks the up arrow for volume]
News 4 Reporter
There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck.
Coon
My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and Friends, let's head out!
Coon's Friends
Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go! [they begin to head out, but Cartman stops Mint-Berry Crunch again]
Coon
Yeah, uhh, Mint-Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the place, okay? Kewl. [Mint-Berry Crunch stays behind as the others leave]
Cartman's house, moments later. The boys come out of the basement
Coon
We've got to get downtown fast, Coon Friends! [walks up to Liane, who's sitting on the sofa reading a book, and stops] Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown!
Liane
Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs?
Coon
Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now!
Liane
Well, all right. [puts down her book and blanket] I guess I can get some groceries anyway. [rises and leads the boys out to the car]
Liane's car
Coon
Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time! [everyone gets in]
Liane
All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety?
Coon
Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes!
Liane
[bangs the center armrest with her right fist] Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere!
Coon
[exasperated] Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please? [Liane starts the car, and under his breath Coon says] Unbelievable! [crosses his arms]
Downtown. Fire trucks are everywhere and a few hoses fight the fire. Police are also present
Fireman
We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good!
Fire Captain
Those people are gonna die if we don't do something!
Liane
[pulls up] Oh my goodness, it's a fire. [the boys leave the car]
Coon
Come on, Coon Friends!
Liane
No- Eric, stay in the car, sweetie!
Fire Captain
Can we try a helicopter?
Fireman
The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes. [Coon and Friends walk up next to the firemen]
Coon
All right, what seems to be the problem?
Fire Captain
Get back, kids. It isn't safe.
Liane
[walks around looking for Cartman] Eric, poopsie?
Coon
Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon!
Mosquito
And friends!
Fire Captain
Keep those children back, Thompson! [Liane finds the boys and walks up to them]
Coon
Please sir, you must let us-
Liane
Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job.
Coon
Shut! Up! Mom! God!
Officer
Wait. Look! Up in the sky!
Fireman
It's him! My God, it's really him!
Fire Captain
He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight! [in the distance a superhero flies towards the town. He's wearing red and yellow tights and a black cope with a blue eye on it - looking behind]
Stan
Who's Captain Hindsight?
Announcer
Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age. [a series of comic book pictures follows] Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight! [the hero descends and lands next to the firemen]
Fire Captain
Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come!
Captain Hindsight
What's the skinny?
Fireman
There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them.
Captain Hindsight
Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it.
Fireman
Yes, of course.
Captain Hindsight
And then you see that building to the left?
Fire Captain
Yes.
Captain Hindsight
They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to. [stands up tall] Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone! [takes off]
Fireman
Thank you, Captain Hindsight!
Officer
Thank youuu!
Fire Captain
All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up. [the firemen and officers quickly pack up and leave, but the building keeps burning. Coon and Friends can only watch helplessly as trapped residents scream.]
The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating quietly
Randy
Whoa, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon?
Sharon
Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died.
Randy
It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous!
Sharon
Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter.
Randy
I mean, hello!
Stan
Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said.
Randy
Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace. [an alarm sounds]
Alarm
Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they look around for the source of the alarm, then get up and enter the living room]
Randy
What the hell is that? [they stop in front of the alarm] Who put that there?
Alarm: Alert
Seriously. All Coon Friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously.
Stan
[backs up towards the stairs] Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room?
Sharon
[distracted] Well sure, Stan. [Stan goes upstairs] Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy?
Randy
I don't know.
Sharon
Well take it down. It's noisy.
Randy
I can't. I don't know what happened to all my tools. [the alarm stays on as they look at each other in wonder.]
The Coon's headquarters, day. Toolshed enters the basement, revving his drill
Coon
Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start.
Toolshed
Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house?
Mosquito
Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it.
Coon
The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out.
TupperWear
So what's the huge catastrophe?
Coon
What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?!
The Human Kite
Yeah, so?
Coon
So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends!
Toolshed
Oh Jesus...
Coon
[walks up to a hidden computer, which is actually a prop] I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's like some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us!
Professor Chaos
Hey fellas? [the boys turn to see him] Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days. [he's in the Coon's holding cell, with a light outside by which he could see.]
Coon
You aren't going anywhere, Chaos!
Professor Chaos
Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now. [pulls the bucket into view] And I ain't got nothin' to eat.
Coon
You've got poop, don'tcha? [goes back to the other boys] Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends?
Mysterion
Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends?
Coon
I CARE!
Mysterion
Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene.
Coon
There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!
Marine Sanctuary, day. A pelican rests on a sign at the end of a string of buoys. It takes off as a huge freighter floats by and breaks the string in two. It's a BP Oil ship
BP Man 1
All right, this looks like a jolly good place.
BP Man 2
Yes. Let's let her rip. [a crane operator pulls some levers, releasing a cable which enable a giant drill to descend into the water. The drill hits the sea bottom and all the marine animals there scatter.]
BP Man 3
That's it, lads. Collect that oil! [the drill hits some rock and shakes from the impact]
BP Man 4
Uh oh! [oil begins to ooze out of the hole into the ocean. It quickly reaches the surface and lots of dead fish pop up immediately] Oh deah.
BP Man 3
Oh, don't tell me we did it again?
The McCormick house, night. Stuart and his wife are in bed asleep; their bedroom window is open. An alarm goes off and they jump out of bed, frightened
Alarm
Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they exit the room and see the alarm in the hallway] All Coon Friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and Friends alert. [Kenny appears and is ready to go. He turns away and is carrying a small back pack over his right shoulder. He goes to a far window and climbs out]
The Coon's headquarters. The Human Kite, Mysterion, Mint-Berry Crunch, and Mosquito enter it and come down the stairs
Coon
Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up! [raises the volume. On screen is the BP oil spill]
The Gulf, in Coon-O-Vision
Reporter
It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile.
Man
It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from contaminatin' everything.
Woman
Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go?
Cajun Shrimper
Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp!
Coon Headquarters
Mysterion
My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf!
The Human Kite
We've got to help those people!
Coon
Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and Friends.
Mint-Berry Crunch
Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor! [Cartman looks at him in disbelief]
The Gulf. As rescuers clean up as best they can, one of them looks up in the sky
Rescuer 1
[a woman] Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight! [Captain Hindsight flies towards the rescuers and they begin cheering]
Coon
Oh no!
Captain Hindsight
What seems to be the problem?
Rescuer 2
It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned.
Rescuer 3
If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans.
Captain Hindsight
[thinks] Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling?
Rescuer 3
Yes.
Captain Hindsight
It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill!
Rescuer 2
Aha!
Rescuer 4
Yesss, YESSS.
Captain Hindsight
Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke.
Rescuer 2
I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight.
Captain Hindsight
[thinks] Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve!
Rescuer 5
My God, he's right!
Captain Hindsight
My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need!
Rescuer 4
God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!!
Coon Headquarters
Coon
Goddammit! We have got to get that guy into Coon and Friends!
Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Cartman, dressed in a business suit, rings the bell by the front door
Butler
[answering the door] Can I help you?
Cartman
I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives?
Butler
Yes?
Cartman
I need to speak with him, please.
Butler
The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis.
Cartman
I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir.
Butler
Mr. Hindsight, sir. [Hindsight sits behind his desk looking at three monitors with 12 screens each. He turns around at the mention of his name] This young man would like a word.
Captain Hindsight
Please, sit down. What can I do for you?
Cartman
Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people, [sets his briefcase on the table and opens it] and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news. [takes out an application to join Coon and Friends and hands it to Hindsight] You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends.
Captain Hindsight
[takes the application] Of what?
Cartman
I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly exciting for you.
Officer 2
[from one of the 36 screens] Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in! [Hindsight walks over to see what the matter is]
Captain Hindsight
Go ahead.
Officer 2
The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire!
Captain Hindsight
Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened.
Officer 2
Right. [salutes] Thank you! [Hindsight salutes back. Another screen comes on to his right]
Fireman 2
Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they, they're all dying!
Captain Hindsight
Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner!
Commissioner
Yes?
Captain Hindsight
Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong! [the screen the commissioner was on switches over to Santa Monica Pier as Hindsight shows his fatigue] It's not a blessing, it's a curse.
Cartman
[waits a few seconds, then] ...So, anyways, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away.
Captain Hindsight
Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone.
Cartman
Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you are a scab!
Captain Hindsight
Get this kid out of here! I have to think!
Cartman
[gathers the form and puts it back in the briefcase] Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir! [walks away]
BP Crisis special report
Anchor Man
The BP Oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day. As public anger towards the BP Company grows, their president released this statement:
A BP oil rig
Tony Hayward
[a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf is a tragedy that should have never happened. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry. [switch to camera 2 to his left, and he turns to look at it] We're sorry. [on the tundra dressed in winter gear, stroking a baby arctic seal] We're sorry. [in the kitchen with an apron on, taking a tray of chocolate chip cookies from the oven] We're sorry. [skis towards the camera and stops] Sorry. [back on the oil rig] BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroleum. [a shot of the Earth and Moon in an interesting configuration. The Earth has two drills attached to it, the Moon has large creators that look similar to a face, and clouds look similar to flailing arms] We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it.
Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. "QUIET. COON-FERENCE IN SESSION"
Coon
Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on! [a projector screen is shown, as is the projector on the table. Pictures begin to appear on screen] All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet.
Toolshed
How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love?
Coon
Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2? [the next slide clicks into place] We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it.
Professor Chaos
Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love.
Coon
Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and Friends, ho!
Mosquito
...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.
Coon
That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that's why you don't come up with the plan!
Mosquito
Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero.
Mysterion
Agreed.
Coon
Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?!
Toolshed
Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out!
Coon
You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret!
Mysterion
We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk!
Coon
[grudgingly] All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis? [crosses his arms]
Mosquito
I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale.
Coon
[challenging] A bake sale?
Mosquito
I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. Which would be a good deed, and help people.
Coon
We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts!
Mysterion
Those people down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways.
Iron Maiden
Timmeh!
Coon
[challenging] You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?
Mint-Berry Crunch
More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters.
Coon
Shut up, Mint-Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything!
Mosquito
And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint-Berry Crunch!
Coon
Oh, what are you, the boss now?!
Mosquito
No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan? [everybody but Coon raises a hand. The Iron Maiden lifts a sword]
Coon
[crosses his arms again, sarcastic] Sounds awesome. Let's do it.
Toolshed
To the grocery store!
A street in the neighborhood. Coon leads his friends down the street. A classical piece plays as the boys are shown in slow motion.
Coon
[thinking] As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself. [Coon turns to his right and high-kicks Mospuito on the cheek. Mosquito goes up in the air and bounces on the road. Coon kicks him in the balls and leaps at him, and grins. He spreads his claws out and slashes Mosquito on the left temple. Mint-Berry Crunch moves to intervene while Coon continues to rake Mosquito across the face. Coon notices Mint-Berry Crunch coming to Mosquito's aid and slashes him too.]
A dinner, later. Coon and his friends are seated around a large table. Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch are battered and bruised. Mosquito's vuvuzela snout is crimped
Coon
[after a while] Well, now we're back to normal. [smiles] Just like before and all forgotten? Right right?
Mint-Berry Crunch
[defeated] Right right.
Mosquito
[defeated] Right.
Coon
Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and Friends? [no one says a word, and Coon takes a sip of his soda]
Another BP Crisis special report
Anchor Man
Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error. [a glowing plasma seeps out of a big hole while strange creatures float and walk out of there] This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension. [beachgoers run for their lives as a many-mouthed three-legged creature lumbers by. A flying creature drops down on a woman, scoops her up in its tentacles, and rips her in two at the waist. Other winged creatures swoop in and abduct other beachgoers. Different creatures walk by the pier and scoop up visitors there, then drop them into open mouths that look like Venus fly traps] The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic. [two men are fishing when another creature pops up and eats them] Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc. [a giant starfish creature sits on the pier floor when a man gets curious and leans in. It snaps shut, leaving him headless. Everyone else jumps back and a woman screams]
Hayward's BP oil rig
Tony Hayward
[a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry. [sitting in an armchair by the fireplace stroking a sleeping lap puppy] We're sorry. [sitting in a prairie holding a dandelion] We're sorry. [blows the seeds off the dandelion stem. Next, he's in bed looking up somewhat seductively] Sohr-ry.
Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Captain Hindsight is at his desk looking glum.
Butler
[appears] Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf!
Captain Hindsight
I can't help anyone right now! Something came up.
Butler
What, sir? You know you can tell me.
Captain Hindsight
Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk?
Butler
Yes sir.
Captain Hindsight
Look at those photos on the desk. [the butler walks up to the desk and looks at the photos. The first one is Butters as Courtney Love posing for the camera and the homeless man standing on a stool behind him naked, with Hindsight's face photoshopped onto him. Next, it's Butters on the stool with the homeless man standing behind him. Next, it's Butters posing for the camera and standing on the homeless man's back]
Butler
My God, is that you and... Courtney Love?
Captain Hindsight
'Course it's Courtney Love!
Butler
But when did you have a-
Captain Hindsight
I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohols! Alcohol shouldn't be legal! Oh it's maddening!
Butler
That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done!
Captain Hindsight
I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should-
Butler
Sir! SIR!
Another BP Crisis special report, continued
Reporter
Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, "Where is Captain Hindsight?"
Rescuer 6
Where are you, Captain Hindsight?
Cajun Shrimper
Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum.
Reporter
With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now?
Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. His smear campaign is a complete success
Coon
My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and Friends!
Toolshed
There's more important things to discuss right now!
Coon
Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension?
Mysterion
He means we need to discuss things with you!
Coon
Okay, what?
Mysterion
Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him!
TupperWear
I don't wanna tell him either.
The Human Kite
I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends.
Coon
You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends.
Toolshed
We all voted, it was unanimous.
Coon
You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon!
The Human Kite
Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish.
Mysterion
But we get the headquarters and all the equipment.
Coon
You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys!
Mysterion
We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman? [she walks in and approaches Mysterion]
Liane
Yes, Mysterion?
Mysterion
Please escort the Coon out of our secret base.
Liane
[takes Coon away from the table and up the stairs] Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?
Coon
Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?!
upstairs. Liane takes Coon out of the basement and shuts the door. Coon tries to get back in, but can't
Liane
Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've had it with your language! [crosses her arms] Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room!
Coon
[incredulous] You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
The DP boardroom, day.
DP Executive 1
Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time!
Tony Hayward
Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another "I'm sorry" campaign to please everyone this time.
DP Executive 2
Oh, what a right pickle we're in. [a flying creature floats up past the windows carrying a screaming man]
DP Executive 3
There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in.
Tony Hayward
Wait a tick! [rises] Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this!
DP Executive 4
How, by Jove?
Tony Hayward
We drill.
DP Executives
Drill of course, yes, yes, of course.
Tony Hayward
I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill.
DP Executive 5
I don't quite get it.
Tony Hayward
We got into this mess by drilling heuh [the Gulf of Mexico], and heuh [somewhere in Peru]. Now, we need to drill heuh! [draws a drill bit entering the moon]
DP Executive 6
That looks extremely promising!
Tony Hayward
Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time.
DP Executive 6
The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?
Tony Hayward
[arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it.
A launch pad, day. A DP rocket takes off
The moon. DP's newest rig is now up and running as DP astronauts spread out from the rig. Nearby are the bodies of Willzy-x and Tom Cruise
Anchor Man
The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems.
Stan
Uh oh, I have a feeling we'd better get into our costumes again, guys.
News 4 Breaking News: DP unleashes Cthulhu
Reporter
Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident. [Cthulhu appears looming over the oil rig in the Gulf] This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu. [Cthulhu swats a helicopter down with just a gentle wave of his right arm] The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement:
Tony Hayward
[a soft acoustic guitar begins to play. First, Hayward is at his ranch looking at some horses. He turns around and faces the camera] As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry. [in the bathroom shaving] I'm deeply sorry. [naked on a bear rug before a fireplace, his butt cheeks rosy-red] Sorry.
Reporter
Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign.
Stan
It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf! [the seven suit up and leave the house. Mysterion goes to the camera and covers it with his cape]
Cartman's room, night. Cartman is dressed as the Coon and stands in the window looking out over the backyard
Cartman
[voice over] Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them.
Cartman
Asshoooles! [leaps out of window]
End of Coon 2: Hindsight
  1411: "Coon 2: Hindsight" edit
Story Elements

The CoonMysterionCaptain HindsightTony Hayward

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fourteenth Season