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The official script for "Conjoined Fetus Lady" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Conjoined Fetus Lady
South Park Elementary Gym.
Chef
Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!
The class groans.
Kyle
We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
Stan
Yeah.
Chef
So let's have half the children on this side [To his right.] and half the children on that side. [To his left]
Team 1 walks to one side.
Pip
[Uncertain.] Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
Cartman
[With Clyde and Stan looking on.] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Pip
Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France--
Stan
Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
Pip
Oh, dear.
Stan
If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
Pip
Oh, what jolly good fun!
Kyle
No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
The teams are as follows:
Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan (Annie), Swanson (Butters), and one other
Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, and five others.
Chef
[Blows his whistle.] Play ball!
Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.
Clyde
Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
Stan
Dammit, we lost one already!
Chef
Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
Stan
Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup
Annie (Jordan) and Butters (Swanson) pull foward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Jordan (Annie).
Jordan (Annie)
Aagghhh!
Stan
We're losing men fast out here!
He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards the unnamed teammate. The guy falls and the ball returns to the opposing team.
Chef
[Giggling.] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!
Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.
Kyle
I caught it! I caught it!
Chef
Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
Kyle
Here, Pip, you throw.
Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.
Pip
Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.
Kyle
Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pig your whole life?
Pip
I'm not French--
Kyle
Throw the ball, you stupid frog!
Pip sets up to throw.
Kyle
God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,
Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.
Kyle
you'd be able to-- Ow! [He falls.].
Chef
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Kyle
Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
Cartman
Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
Pip
Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
Chef
That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
Fear strikes the kids.
Kyle
[Gasp.] No. No, it'll be okay!
Chef
Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on.
Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.
Kyle
Oh-- Noooo!
Cartman
[Ominously.] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
Clyde
I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
Bebe
I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Cartman
Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?
Stan
[Somberly.] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.
Nurse Gollum
Are you Kyle Broflovski?
She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.
Kyle
Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum
I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
Kyle
Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum
Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
Kyle
I know.
Nurse Gollum
So open them.
She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.
Kyle
Oh! Phew.
Nurse Gollum
Now, what seems to be the problem?
Kyle
Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Nurse Gollum
Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.
She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.
Kyle
AAGGGGGHHHH!!
Nurse Gollum
What?
Kyle
OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!
Nurse Gollum
Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
Kyle
AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.
Kyle
...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
Boys
Eewwww!
Cartman
Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
Kyle
No. No-it looked dead.
Boys
Eewwww!
Stan
Wa-was it wearing clothes?
Kyle
Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
Stan
Oh, yeah. Eeww.
Boys
Eewwww!
Kyle
And then she walked over to--
Sheila
Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called "conjoined twin myslexia".
Cartman
Who the hell cares what it's called, as long as she doesn't have to touch me.
Sheila
Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.
They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.
Sheila
You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.
A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.
The Boys
Gross!
Sheila
But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.
Stan is frightened.
Sheila
Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!
Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.
Stan
AGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cartman
AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!
Sheila
So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
Kyle
Uhhhh... Yeah.
She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.
The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.
Sheila
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
Sheila
Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
The phone rings and Sheila answers.
Sheila
Hello?
Sharon
Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Stan is screaming and running around the house.
Sheila
Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
Sharon
Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
Randy chases him down.
Stan
No! I have to get it out!
Sheila
Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
Sharon
So this is your fault.
Stan
ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Randy
Damn it, stop.
Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.
Randy
Oh!
Gets up and chases him.
Randy
Damm it!
Sharon
Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?
Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.
Sheila
[Undaunted.] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Gerald
Mm-hmm.
South Park Elementary Gym.
Stan
[To Cartman.] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?
Cartman
Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
Chef
[Arriving with a letter.] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
All
Awww...
Stan
Aw, do we have to?
Kyle
Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
Chef
You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
Cartman
Heyh! They have a zoo there!
Chef
That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!
The class separates into teams.
Stan
Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
Kyle
Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
Pip
I'd love to!
Cartman
Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
Pip
Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
He turns and walks away.
Pip
And besides, I hate French people.
Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.
Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.
Principal Victoria
Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
Sheila
Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.
Principal Victoria
O-of course you do.
Sheila
I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.
Mr. Mackey
Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a--
Sheila
No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
Principal Victoria
Oh, and uh, what disease is that?
Mr. Mackey
Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
Principal Victoria
What's that?
Sheila
She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
Principal Victoria
[Gasp.] She does?
Mr. Mackey
Y-you never noticed that?
Principal Victoria
No-o, I never did.
Sheila
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!
Principal Victoria
Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
Sheila
I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Mr. Macke
Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Principal Victoria
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8?
Sheila
Wonderful!
Principal Victoria
Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.
Chef
[Rising.] Okay children. [Encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?
The kids just look at him.
Clyde
Denver?
Chef

Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!

The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.
Chef
I think we need to get off on this exit.
Mrs. Crabtre
SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef
But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
Ms. Crabtree
DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
Chef
How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
Ms. Crabtree
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
Chef
[Sits down.] Yes, ma'am.
The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.
Stan
Whoa, dude, this is a school?
The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.
Bob Thomas
Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.
He slaps Chef on the back.
Chef
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
Bob Thomas
Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.
Chef is pissed.
Bob Thomas
You're from South Park, yeah?
Chef
[In a low tone.] Yeah.
Bob Thomas
My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.
He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.
Referee
Play ball!
Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.
Sheila
So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
Nurse Gollum
Colorado State.
Sheila
Ahhh.
Principal Victoria
Oh.
They resume eating in silence.
Gerald
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.
Gerald
I mean, gravy.
Sheila kicks him on the shins.
Gerald
Ow!
Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Token, who goes down.
Token
Ow!
The Cougar fans cheer.
Chef
Dammit, come on!
Clyde and Swanson (Butters) are already out, along with one other.
Chef
Somebody catch the ball!
Only Pip and the Boys remain.
Bob Thomas
All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!
Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.
Cartman
I caught it, I caught it!
Player 1
Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!
Referee 2
South Park on offense!
Chef
Great job, children! Just stay focused now.
Kyle
Go for it, Pip.
Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.
Pip
Oh, bother.
Kyle
Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
Pip
Gagghh!
Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.
Chef
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!
Back at Broflovski's
Principal Victoria
Ehsooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
Mr. Mackey
Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?
Gerald
Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win-- Heart!
Sheila
Gerald!
Sheila smacks him off his chair.
Shiela
Keep your damn mouth shut!
Nurse Gollum
I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
Sheila
[Exhales.] Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum
No, I'm quite secure with it.
Sheila
I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you--
Nurse Gollum
They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Mr. Mackey
Could I get some more pork?
Principal Victoria
So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?
Nurse Gollum
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
Principal Victoria
Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?
Nurse Gollum
No, really, I don't need a--
Sheila
Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.
Nurse Gollum
I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.
Sheila
I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.
Principal Victoria
Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.
Nurse Gollum
But I really don't think--
Mr. Mackey
Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?
Sheila
Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!
Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.
Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.
Chef
You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.
Cartman
Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.
Pip gets pissed and winds up.
Kyle
Get him, Frenchy!
Pip
Gaagghh!
Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.
Referee 2
South Park wins!
Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.
Chef
We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!
Player 6
Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!
A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.
Player 6
Ihit hurhurts! Howieee!
Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.
Player 6
Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts!
The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.
Chef
Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach!

Ooo, baby, come on
Just whooped Denver's ass
Gonna need some cream for your ass
It's all swollen and red

Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.
Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...
The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels
...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.
The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.
Mayor McDaniels
But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!
The crowd cheer louder.
Mayor McDaniels
And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!
More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.
Mayor McDaniels
Let's hear it for these brave souls!
The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.
Mayor McDaniels
What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.
Nurse Gollum
You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.
Mayor McDaniels
[The mic is still on.] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.
Chef
How much further is Washington, D.C.?
Mrs. Crabtree
SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef
I need to know how far it is, lady!
Mrs. Crabtree
I SAID SIT DOWN!!!
Chef
[Grumbling.] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.
Mrs. Crabtree
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Chef
I said, "I've always wanted to visit Prague."
Mrs. Crabtree
Oh, me too.
Clyde munches away.
Stan
[To Kyle.] Okay, what have you got?
Kyle
Some hadka fish, some gafagga...
Cartman
[Quickly.] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
Kenny pulls out a bone.
Stan
Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!
Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.
Stan
Places!
Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.
Ms. Crabtree
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.
Kids
Whoa!
Kenny
(Sheesh!)
A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.
Ulysses Grant Elementary. Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.
Chef
Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
Stan
Chef, we're hungry.
Chef
You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
Cartman
My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
Chef
What?
Referee
Are you Chef?
Chef
Yeah.
Referee
The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.
Chef
What? We did it! Children, we won!
Kyle
Wow, that was easy.
Announcer
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!
Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.
Kyle
Hey, why did you guys forfeit?
Player
You mean you don't know?
Kyle
Know what?
Player
Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.
Master
Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
Player
[Voice-over.] They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.
Eeach kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.
Player
Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.
He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.
Chef
Okay, children, back in the bus.
South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.
Mayor McDaniels
And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.
He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.
Nurse Gollum
Oh, no..!
Singer
[The video begins.]

You've got the strength, you've got the courage
Even with a dead fetus on your head
You carry on
You fight for tomorrow
Dead fetus or no, you never let go
You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman

Scenes from the video:
  • She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it.
  • She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming.
  • She's in her office.
  • She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming.
  • At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her.
  • She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.
There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.
Barbrady
Oh, that was so touching.
Mayor McDaniels
[With envelope in hand.] And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... [Reaches into the envelope.]
Nurse Gollum
[Derisively.] Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels
Nurse Gollum!!
The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.
Nurse Gollum
Oh, boy.
Jimbo
[Interrupting.] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.
Jimbo takes the microphone.
Jimbo
Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.
The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.
Chef
Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.
Stan
But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
Chef
Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
Kyle
But we could get killed!
Chef
And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
Stan and Kyle fall silent.
Chef
Just imagine: a big yellow "Dodgeball Champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
Stan
Dude, Chef has lost it.
Chef
You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!
Cartman
So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?
Chef looks at him.
Kyle
Dude, what does that mean?
Cartman
I dunno.
Stan
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
Kevin looks back.
Kyle
Yeah, you're from China.
Kevin
No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
Stan
Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
Kevin
I have no idea, dude.
Cartman
Come on, rice picker!
Chef
Hey, hey hey!
Cartman hides his hands.
Chef
Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
Stan
You don't?
Kyle
But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
Chef
No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
Stan, Kyle
Ohhh.
Cartman
[At the same time.] Oooh, I get it.
Kevin
[Vindicated.] Yeah.
The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!
Mrs. Crabtree
[Slamming on the brakes.] AAAGGGGHHHH!
Chinese Commentator
Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...
He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.
Chinese Commentator
...champion of dodgeball be deshide!
His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.
Stan
Damn, dude. China's fucked up.
Referee
Take places!
Chef
All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!
Chinese Commentator
Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!
They laugh.
Tom
Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.
He laughs.
Chinese Commentator
Oh, you say such things.
Tom
That's a zinger!
Referee
Praaayyy braal!
The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.
Chef
Holy crap..!
Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.
Chef
God damn...
Chinese Commentator
Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?
Tom
Ah, I don't know. What?
Chinese Commentator
Stupid American!
He laughs.
Tom
Aw, no way!!
Tom starts laughing.
A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.
Chinese Commentator
Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh-- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!
They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.
Stan
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle
[Laying on his side and out of breath.] You... bastards...
Chinese Commentator
Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!
He chuckles.
Tom
Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.
South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.
Mayor McDaniels
Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.
The town cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!
One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.
Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.
Chinese Commentator
And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.
Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.
Chinese Commentator
Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.
Chinese kid
Come on! Throw ball!
Tom
Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?
Chinese Commentator
Yeah, yeah!
Tom
Ah, okay.
Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.
Tom
Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.
They have a good laugh.
Chinese Commentator
Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.
He sets up with a deep voice.
Chinese Commentator
I'll use my credit card.
They laugh harder, and he resumes.
Chinese Commentator
Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
They both laugh.
Tom
Yes yes! [Laughs.] Y'all come a-back now, you hear?
They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.
Chef
[Crestfallen.] Oh, what have I done?
Cartman comes over and sits next to him.
Chef
You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.
Chef
If we had won the world championship, what then?
Kevin walks off.
Chef
It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.
Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.
Chef
Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?
The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.
Chef
Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.
Chinese kid
Come on! Throw ball!
Kevin
[Walking over to player 70.] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.
Kevin hands him a note to read.
Player 70
Thanks, you American dumb-ass! [Reads it.] "You French piece of crap! Throw ball!"
Pip gets angry.
Player 70
"What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."
The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.
Pip
Arrggghhh!
Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.
Chinese Commentator
And the winner is South Park Cows!
Musicians play.
Pip
Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!
The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.
Chef
Shut up, Pip.
Stan
Yeah, shut up, Pip. [To Chef.] Can we go home now?
Pip
Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was--
Kids, Chef
Shut up, Pip!
South Park Town Square. The Mayor is on stage.
Mayor McDaniels
As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.
The crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels
Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!
The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.
Kyle
What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
Mayor McDaniels
And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!
Kyle
Agghh!
Stan
Dude, it's the freak nurse!
Cartman
Holy crap!
Sheila
Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!
Kyle
Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.
Nurse Gollum
Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.
Sheila
[Wiping away a tear.] She's really touched.
Nurse Gollum
What I really wanna say is... well, -egh-- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!
The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels
Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now--
Nurse Gollum
Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?
Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.
Nurse Gollum
I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.
More people look at each other.
Nurse Gollum
Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.
People are listening.
Nurse gollum
And take those stupid things off your heads!
She turns and walks off the stage.
Principal Victoria
Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.
Sheila
Yeah, the nerve of some people.
Kyle
Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Stan
Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
Cartman
I love you guys.
Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.
Cartman
Ah, screw you guys!
End of Conjoined Fetus Lady


  205: "Conjoined Fetus Lady" edit
Story Elements

Nurse Gollum • "Dodgeball Song" • "Conjoined Twin Song"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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