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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Craig Tucker
  • Jimmy Valmer
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Girl 1
  • Girl 2
  • Girl 3
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Tuong Lu Kim
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Det. Harris
  • Announcer
  • Girls Volleyball Coach
  • ESPN Announcer
  • ESPN Host
  • Head
  • Janitor Mitchell
  • Kindergarten boy
  • Father Mother and Daughter
  • Panda Express Manager
  • Magic Player/ Slaughterhouse
  • Cock Magic Promoter
  • Referee
  • Spectator 1
  • Spectator 2
  • Spectator 3
  • Voice/Breeder

Script

Cock Magic
South Park Elementary hallway, day. The students are going about their business when several girls arrive with fliers in hand.
Girl 1
[handing out fliers] Hey guys. [Clyde takes one] Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these? [walks up to Cartman and Craig] Hope you can make it.
Cartman
[takes a flier] What's this?
Girl 1
The girls' volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on.
Cartman
[looks at Craig.] Girls volleyball? [they both laugh at the thought] Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy.
Girl 2
What's wrong with supporting girls' athletics?!
Cartman
Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay? [hands the flier back to girl 1] All right.
Girl 3
[walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is "We're too busy."
Kyle
But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight.
Girl 3
What fight?
Stan
Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls' volleyball. [he, Kenny, and Kyle laugh]
Cartman
Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch.
A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says "Magic the Gathering Tournament Today." Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player, Slaughterhouse, are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play
Slaughterhouse
Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my Elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on.
Kyle
Can Kenny block his Elderbeast?
Stan
Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.
Cartman
This asshole needs to make a move already!
Referee
Quiet in the peanut gallery, please.
Slaughterhouse
I am attacking, but with a newly summoned Spark Ghast who has Trample. Four damage to your planeswalker.
Boys
Ohhhh!
Butters
Oh no! Kenny!
Stan
Shhh!
Butters
But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card]
Stan
What's that?
Cartman
He's playing an enchantment.
Stan
This late?
Kyle
He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!
Slaughterhouse
I can block that with Uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card]
Boys
Ohhhh!
Referee
Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!
Boys
Yeeahhh!
Slaughterhouse
Nnoohhh!
South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor
Cartman
Dude, it was complete brutality!
Kyle
You've never seen anything so ruthless!
Stan
It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys]
Cartman
At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!
Stan
[sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night?
Wendy
Yeah, I heard the girls' volleyball team won by like 20 points.
Stan
Not that. Did you actually go to that?
Wendy
Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.
Stan
Pfft, whatever.
Cartman
Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!
Janitor
Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?
Cartman
Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro.
Janitor
Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit.
Stan
We're men.
Janitor
Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag.
Cartman
[steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl!
South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place.
Kyle
Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok.
Cartman
What's hardcore and exciting about Shitty shrimp? [they approach the doors]
Kyle
It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors]
Mr. Tuong
[unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away]
Stan
Uhhh, Mitchell sent us?
Mr. Lu Kim
You purice?
Kenny
(What?)
Cartman
Dude, do we look like police?
Mr. Lu Kim
Okay, come on, come on, five dorrah, five dorrah each! Come on, five dorrah!
Cartman
Five dorrah?! [Mr. Lu Kim hushes them quickly and leads them to the back room, which leads to the basement. Lu Kim opens the basement door]
Mr. Lu Kim
You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo! [the kids go in, then Mr. Tuong, who closes the door behind him.]
City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcers calls the play-by-play
Announcer
Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!
Crowd
Ooooooo.
Announcer
More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the Fugitive Wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with Fugitive Wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is Peel from Reality! Fugitive Wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!
The boys
Whoa!
Announcer
The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!
M Burger, next day. The boys are eating
Cartman
Dude, that was total carnage!
Stan
That was freakin' hardcore.
Cartman
Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?
Stan
It was just decimation.
Kyle
It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.
Cartman
We're going again on Friday, right?
Stan
Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices]
Cartman
What's the matter Kenny?
Kenny
(I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)
Stan
What's mean about it?
Kenny
[mumbles]
Cartman
You feel bad for the roosters?
Kenny
(Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)
Stan
Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard.
Kyle
Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally.
Cartman
Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder.
Kenny
(No.)
Cartman
Huh? A little bit?
Kenny
(NO.)
Stan
Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster.
Kyle
Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass!
Cartman
What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal]
The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landing as one of them knocks
Det. Harris
Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?
Stuart
What do you mean?
Det. Harris
Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it.
Stuart
What's cock Magic?
Det. Harris
Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play "Magic: the Gathering," and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?
Stuart
I don't go to any cock Magic fights!
Det. Harris
Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong, and anyone I find involved with this filth is goin' down!
The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic.
Randy
Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!
Stan
Dad, it's not that big a deal.
Randy
It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college.
Kyle
You were?
Randy
Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it]
Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under
Stan
Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic.
Randy
Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless]
A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom
Voice
What is it?!
Cartman
Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Voice
Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters.
Kyle
Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything.
Breeder
[The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry Planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?
Kyle
We don't... really know the difference.
Breeder
Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks.
Stan
Do you think they're happy?
Breeder
Do I think they're happy?
Stan
Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Breeder
[thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens.
Cartman
Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?
Breeder
Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.
Cartman
Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh, Kenny?
Stan
[off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy?
Breeder
That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.
Kyle
Then he's perfect for us.
Cartman
What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about "McNuggets"?
Kyle
Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?
Cartman
[mimicking a rooster] "Yes I do, you guys." [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?
The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the master bedroom folding clothes when Shelly appears
Shelly
Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour!
The Marsh bathroom, moments later. A drummer is heard inside
Sharon
Randy?
Randy
[lounge voice] Hey! Oh! Oh thank you!
Sharon
[Sharon pounds on the door] Randy, what are you doing?!
Randy
Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind. [back to the lounge voice] Hey!
Sharon
Randy, why are there drums playing? [the drums stop and Randy opens the door]
Randy
All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback.
Sharon
Ohhh, no no nononononono no.
Randy
Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college.
Sharon
I know that's why you got kicked out of college.
Randy
Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer.
Sharon
Stanley??
Randy
People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the hankey off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door]
City Wok, Friday night. Tonight, it's McNuggets against a different rooster.
Announcer
Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets.
Cartman
[through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight!
Kyle
You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them]
Announcer
Quiet, please.
Someone
I think I'll bet on the next one.
Announcer
Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!
Crowd
Whoa!
Stan
Yeah!
Cartman
All right, McNuggets!
Kyle
All right, McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?!
Cartman
[carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular "Magic: The Gathering" look like girls' volleyball.
Promoter
[comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.
Cartman
Thank you so very much.
Promoter
I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?
Kyle
You mean there's more to this?
Promoter
Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make.
Stan
Gee, thanks!
Cartman
You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!
A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner
Woman
Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on.
Kindergarten boy
Yay, a show, a show!
Woman
Do you kids like magic?
Kindergartners
Yeah, yay!
Woman
Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randy! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer]
Randy
Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake]
Woman
[mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready.
Randy
[with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!
Man
[chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?
Randy
Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randy! Thank you! [kids are still screaming]
Kindergarten boy
I hate you!
South Park Elementary, day. Stan recounts the events of the night before
Stan
Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit.
Kyle
It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.
Craig
Where was all this?
Cartman
We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit.
Kyle
Yeah, you gotta know people.
Butters
Dangit, I wish I knew people.
Mr. Garrison
All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls' volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters]
Coach
Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout.
Cartman
Oh Jesus, give it a rest already.
Butters
[chuckling] Yeah.
Coach
You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke.
Stan
Dude, girls' volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill.
Cartman
OOHHH!! [laughs with the other boys]
Jimmy
Fantastic girls' volleyball joke, Stan.
Coach
The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls' volleyball team.
Wendy
[gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat]
Cartman
[aside, to Stan] Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that.
The girl's birthday party. SPPD show up. The father explains to Det. Harris what happened. Other office inspect the backyard for evidence
Man
And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh.
Det. Harris
Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that? [the man and wife look at each other]
Man
Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there.
Det. Harris
Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using?
Woman
Decks??
Man
Who? There weren't any "decks."
Det. Harris
Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report?
Woman
[in tears] I'm so confused, babe.
Det. Harris
Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?!
Man
Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it!
Det. Harris
Agreed! Who first called 911? [moments later the woman is being taken to a squad car as the man and their daughter look on]
Woman
Please! Don't take me away from my child!
Girl
[crying] Mommy!
South Park, Saturday night. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny reach the site of the next cock Magic fight. Stan is not present
Kyle
This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Cartman
Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time. [they stand before Panda Express. Again, Kyle knocks on the doors and tugs at them.]
Manager
[opens the door] Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed!
Cartman
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic.
Manager
Oh okay, come on, ten dorrah, ten dorrah.
Cartman
Ten dorrah?! [the boys hand over $10 each]
Panda Express basement, moments later
Announcer 2
For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky.
Cartman
Who is that??
Spectator 1
That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!
South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net
Stan
[following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?
Cartman
Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen!
Kyle
McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play.
Cartman
McNuggets is scared, dude!
Stan
Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!
Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net
Spectator 2
[returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up]
Promoter
Alright, your rooster's up next, boys.
Kyle
Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude.
Promoter
He doesn't have a choice.
Cartman
This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.
Promoter
What do you think all these people are here to see?
Cartman
Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!
Promoter
The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead]
ESPN Illegal is shown on a monitor
ESPN Announcer
You're watching ESPN Illegal, your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic.
ESPN Host
And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table]
Cartman
Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack.
Crowd
Whooaa.
Kyle
Come on, Kenny! [Kenny take a card from a deck and looks through his other cards]
South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights
Stan
What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?
Cartman
Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health.
Kyle
He just had to shuffle it.
Cartman
Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an Overseer.
Stan
Does an Overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net]
ESPN Host
A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH, and he's just laid down Life's Legacy!
Crowd
Ooooohh...
ESPN Host
That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Kyle
Holy shit, dude!
ESPN Host
Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!
Det. Harris
Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag!
Promoter
Lousy cops! How did you find us?
Det. Harris
We saw your fliers. [holds one up] "Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm."
Promoter
We didn't put those fliers out!
Announcer
[spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randy! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out]
Cartman
Ah, dude, your dad's here.
Randy
[lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song "Barbie Girl" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then the head of René Dif appears popping out to the right]
René Dif

Come on Barbie, let's go party.

[Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it]
Spectator 3
Ewww! [throws the bouquet away]
Randy
Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?
Det. Harris
I'll volunteer.
Randy
Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name?
Det. Harris
I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police.
Randy
All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy take it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.]
South Park Elementary, day.
Cartman
It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up.
Butters
Wow, the cops came?
Kyle
Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened.
Cartman
Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?
Kenny
(Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)
Kyle
Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?
Stan
Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys.
Kyle
Got what?
Stan
A way to finally do something good for other people.
South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against McNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea.
Announcer
South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nil, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One South Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead.
End of Cock Magic
  1808: "Cock Magic" edit
Story Elements

Magic: The Gathering (CCG)McNuggets • "Barbie Girl" • Panda ExpressGirl's Volleyball CoachCock Magic PromoterCock Magic Ring Announcer

Media

ImagesScriptsVideo

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighteenth Season