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The official script for "Clubhouses" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kevin Stoley
  • Fosse McDonald
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Liane Cartman
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Chef
  • Roy, Sharon's new boyfriend
  • Fifth Graders
  • Runaway Girls
  • Terrance and Phillip
  • Fat Abbot and Friends

Script

Clubhouses
A familiar intro plays, a playground scene. Bill plays catch with a blue-hatted boy in a red shirt, a brown-haired girl, Annie, and Token are on swings, and Pip and Red are on the hobby elephants. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using his gloved hand as a gun.
Stan
Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch.
Cartman is patrolling the invisible boundary.
Stan
Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.
Stan waits for Cartman, who is wielding a stick, shaped vaguely like a pistol, to pass, then rushes past him.
Stan
American base is only a few feet away.
Cartman turns and notices Stan.
Cartma
What is this? Halt!
They "fire" away at each other. From behind a nearby bush Kyle and Kenny pop up and "fire" at Cartman.
Cartman
It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me!
Stan
Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
Kyle
Yeah! You're dead!
Cartman
I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih--
Stan
No, you don't!
Cartman
--special armor, that's impenetrable to American bullets.
Kyle
Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you cheat!
Stan
Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself!
Stan and Kyle leave.
Cartman
That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
Kenny laughs and Cartman looks at him.
Cartman
What?
Stan and Kyle have walked off away from Cartman and Kenny.
Kyle
Well? Now what are we going to do?
Stan
Huh-I dunno.
Wendy walks up, with Bebe closely following behind her.
Wendy
Hi, Stan.
Stan
Hi, Wendy.
Wendy
Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?
Bebe comes out from behind Wendy, looking hopeful.
Kyle
I dunno.
Wendy
She does. She looks very pretty.
Kyle
Okay.
Wendy
Stan, can I talk to you for a second?
Wendy takes his hand and pulls him aside. Bebe and Kyle are left to look at each other. Bebe smiles at Kyle, and he looks around and put his hands behind him. The two remain silent. She's still smiling. Wendy and Stan walk out of earshot from them.
Wendy
Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?
Stan
...No.
Wendy
If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace.
Stan
We could?
Wendy
Yeah, Stan.
Stan
But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
Wendy
You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
Stan
Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in?
Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny.
Cartman
Herr Kommandant Cartman has ways of making you talk!
Cartman farts on Kenny who is struggling to escape, finally, Kenny pulls his arm free.
Kenny
(Heellp!!)
Wendy
Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!
Stan
[Intrigued.] Truth or Dare? Wow.
Stan walks back over to Kyle.
Stan
Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do.
Kyle
We do?
Stan
We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for help.
They walk off. Bebe's eyes follow them out, and Wendy rejoins her.
Bebe
[To Wendy.] Did it work?
Wendy
I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.
Bebe
I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.
The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance and Phillip, who are in a church.
Terrance
Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
Phillip
All right, Terrance.
Phillip pulls Terrance's finger.
Terrance
Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
Phillip
Well, all right.
Phillip tugs harder.
Terrance
Hurgh, urgh.
Randy laughs.
Terrance
Damn it! Pull really hard, Phillip!
Phillip
Okay.
Terrance
Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!
Terrance takes a deep breath to try to push out a fart.
Terrance
Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-
A weak, high pitched fart finally escapes, and the two laugh.
Terrance
Caught you there!
Randy
Uh oh!
Randy laughs, as Stan and Kyle approach.
Phillip
God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!
Terrance
Yes, I sure did!
Randy laughs some more.
Kyle
Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrance and Phillip.
Randy
No, I was just uh flipping through the channels.
He starts changing the channels.
Stan
Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
Randy
Okay.
Stan
How do we do it?
Randy
Uh, you just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?
Stan
Yeah, dude! How'd you know?
Stan and Kyle are stunned.
Randy
How do you think I met your mother?
Sharon
[Walks in.] Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposal!
Randy
Oh, brother.
Terrance and Phillip are heard laughing, and Sharon looks at the TV. Phillip, right leg high, farts on Terrance, and they both continue laughing.
Sharon
Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon!
Randy
Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
Stan
Dude!
Sharon takes the remote from Randy and presses a few buttons.
Sharon
Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.
Sharon
Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of the sink?
Randy
[Resisting.] Okay, okay.
Randy follows her off into the kitchen as the boys watch Fat Abbot.
Fat Abbot
Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
Rudy
Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
Fat Abbot
I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!
Rudy
Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!
Kyle
Whoa, dude!
Stan
Sweet!
Fat Abbot
You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll bust a cap in yo nigga ass, shithole!
Kyle
Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
Over in the kitchen, Randy is under the sink.
Sharon
Did you find it?
Randy
Give me a second, would you?
Sharon
Don't snap at me!
Randy
I didn't snap at you.
Sharon
You snapped at me!
Randy
Whatever.
Sharon
What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said, "whatever," to me!
Randy
I-I don't wanna fight, I'm sorry.
Sharon
I'm sorry, too.
Randy
Uh I think I found it.
He comes out from under the sink with an alarm clock.
Sharon
That's not it, you idiot!
Randy
Hey, back off, bitch!
Sharon
[Gasps.] You just said the C-word!
Randy
Did I?
Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the railing.
Stan
This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
Kyle
Yeah. Hey Stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play Truth or Dare?
Stan
Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy and- uh... Bebe can come over and play.
Kyle
Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass.
Stan
Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be sweet to- to play Truth or Dare with them?
Kyle
What? Why?
Stan
Because, dude. We could make them do really gross stuff, like eat bugs.
Kyle
Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their lives!
Cartman and Kenny stop by.
Cartman
What are you guys doing?
Stan
We're building a clubhouse.
Cartman
[Laughs heartily.] A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!
Kyle
It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!
Cartman
[Thinks it over.] Wwwhy??
Kyle
Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?
Stan
Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!
Cartman
That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
Kyle
Fine!
Cartman
Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare, too!
Stan
Fine!
Cartman
Fine!
Kyle
Fine!
Kenny
(Fine!)
Kyle
Fine!
Cartman
Fine! That's fine.
Cartman turns and walks away with Kenny.
Stan
Fine!
Cartman
Fine!
Cartman's house. Cartman and Kenny are looking over the clubhouse kit Cartman has apparently ordered: The Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat, and Kenny is trying to get a better look at the blueprints.
Cartman
No, Kenny, you can't look, I'm the foreman!
Kenny
(Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while you stand around in the snow lookin--)
Kenny inches the blueprints closer to himself.
Cartman
Because, Kenny, your family's poor. You have to be the worker.
Kenny
[Still trying.] (Uh--)
Cartman
No, Kenny.
Liane
[Stopping by.] How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
Cartman
Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
Liane
Sorry, hon.
Cartman
Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?
Liane
Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the floors would be bare.
Cartman
[Sliding into a whine.] But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse!
Liane
Well, all right.
Cartman
Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the living room now.
Kenny
(You suck ass and you suck dick!)
Kenny walks off to get the carpeting.
Cartman
And stop your bitchin'!
Stan's House, Stan enters the kitchen and reaches for a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset.
Sharon
What are you doing, sweetheart?
Stan
Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then we're--
Sharon
You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your God-damned cookie!
She walks off in a huff.
Stan
'Kay.
South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is still there.
Mr. Garrison
And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American history, right Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig
Uh- that's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very important--
Kyle
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison
What did you say?!
Kyle
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison
I told you to never mention that name in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' whore, and now we all learn from Mr. Twig!
Stan
But Mr. Twig sucks.
Class
Yeah.
Mr. Garrison
That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page 104...
Cartman
So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
Stan
Better than yours, fat boy.
Cartman
We'll see about that. [To Kenny.] Don't forget you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny.
Kenny
[Gruffly.] (Yes, sir..!)
Wendy
Is the clubhouse ready?
Stan
Almost.
Mr. Garrison
Stan? Are you paying attention?
Stan
Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?
Stan
Um. You said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison
...Well, okay. I suppose you were paying attention.
Mr. Garrison turns to write on the blackboard.
Mr. Garrison
Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause Robert Urich had to weigh...
While he's explaining the mediocrity of The Love Boat: The Next Wave, the following takes place.
Kyle
Good guess, dude!
Stan
Phew.
Bebe writes a note and then hands it to Butters.
Bebe
Pssst! Pass this up.
Butters hands along the note to Kevin.
Butters
Pass this up.
Kevin hands along the note to Fosse.
Kevin
Pass this up.
Fosse hands along the note to Stan.
Fosse
P-huh pass this h-up.
Stan gets the note and reads it.
Mr. Garrison
Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
Stan
No, I just--
Mr. Garrison
Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Stan
I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the--
Mr. Garrison
Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!
Stan
But I didn't write the note!
Cartman
Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan
Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison
Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan
Oh, man.
Bebe is worried, as Stan goes up to the front of the class to read the note.
Stan

Dear Kyle.
You have got such a great ass.
I could sleep for days on those perked cheeks, let me tell you.
 I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.

The entire class stares at Stan in shock.
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Mr. Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey are talking.
Mr. Mackey
Now, young man, uh- school is a time for learning, m'kay? Not for immature skylarkings.
Stan
What's 'skylarkings'?
Mr. Mackey
You know, like tomfooleries.
Stan
Who?
Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, your parents are here.
Stan
Oh, no.
They enter and stand behind Stan.
Mr. Mackey
Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Randy
Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
Mr. Mackey
Yeahm'kay?
Randy
Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Sharon
Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Stan
It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
Mr. Mackey
Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
Sharon
You really should know better, Stanley.
Randy
You need to shape up, mister.
Sharon
[To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I--?
Randy
[A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
Sharon
There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
Mr. Mackey
Okay, uh-- Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be--
Randy
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!
Mr. Mackey
Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad.
Sharon
[To Randy.] Like you're one to talk! When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?!
Mr. Mackey
[Slowly.] Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
Randy
When was the last time you had anything interesting to say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!
Mr. Mackey
Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
Randy
Well- uh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.
Mr. Mackey
Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh--
Stan
Excuse me.
Mr. Mackey
-how do you feel?
Sharon
Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.
Randy
Oh, please!
Stan
Hello?
Sharon
Oh, please yourself!
Mr. Mackey
Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean, who's dominating the aspects of the relationship?
Sharon
He is.
At this point everyone has completely forgotten about Stan, who gets off the chair.
Randy
No, she is.
Stan walks to the door and opens it.
Sharon
Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!
Stan is gone.
Mr. Mackey
Mmkay.
Cartman's house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint.
Cartman
Look at it, Kenny. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.
A shot of their "clubhouse". It looks shoddy and horrible.
Cartman
Oh, man!
Kenny
(Uh huh)
Cartman
And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.
Kenny
(Yeah!)
Cartman
All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
Kenny
(Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find chicks?)
Cartman
Because I have to stay here and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run all kinds of inspections. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'!
Kenny walks off and Cartman watches him leave. As soon as he's gone, Cartman throws off his hat and runs into the house.
Cartman
Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?
Stan's Backyard, Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation.
Kyle
Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all afternoon.
Stan
I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass to you.
Kyle
To me??
Stan
I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare tomorrow!
They start hammering a board onto the floor, but...
Kyle
We should use nails, dude.
Stan
My mom won't let us.
Wendy and Bebe arrive in backyard.
Wendy
Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
Stan
Pretty good. We're almost done.
Wendy
Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!
Stan
We're going as fast as we can!
Bebe
Kyle, could you turn around for a second?
Kyle and Stan look at each other. Kyle turns around, then looks back with Stan at the girls.
Bebe
Thank you.
The girls walk away, and the boys resume hammering.
Stan
Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
Kyle
Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?
Stan
No.
Kyle
Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it, then?
Stan
I didn't even think about that.
Later, at Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and he and Stan are sitting at his table.
Chef
And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
Stan
And I say, "Dare!"
Chef
No no! You say, "Truth."
Stan
"Truth?" But that's boring! I want to get "Dare" to kiss her.
Chef
You have to say "Truth" the first few times. Or else, you seem too eager.
Stan
Oooh.
Chef
You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool, like you don't even care what happens.
Stan
Yeah.
Chef
Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally answer, "Dare."
Stan
"Dare!"
Chef
But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare".
Chef speaks in a low, senusal voice, as he moves his hand through the air in unison, for effect.
Stan
Oooh.
Chef
And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.
Stan
You really think so?
Chef
Of course she will. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned out months ahead of time.
Stan
Wow!
Meanwhile, over at Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV, munching Cheesy Poofs.
Fat Abbot
Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
Rudy
Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the 'hood?
Fat Abbot
You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in summertime.
Rudy
School in summertime?
Fat Abbot
Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!
Fat Abbot grabs Rudy by the collar and lifts him up high.
Fat Abbot
Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll pop your bitch ass.
Donald
I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha.
Cartman
What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?
Cartman's doorbell rings, and he gets up to answer.
Cartman
Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks to come to the clubhouse?
Kenny
[Proudly, with thumbs up.] (Uh-huh)
Kenny has found two teenage girls.
Blonde
Hi. We ran away from home.
Brunette
Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash at your clubhouse for a couple of days.
Cartman
[Amazed.] Holy crap!
He leads the three of them to the backyard.
Cartman
Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!
Blonde
Oh well, I guess it beats living at home.
Cartman
[Enunciating properly.] Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack? [Rubs his stomach.]
Meanwhile, over at Stan's house, Stan's phone starts ringing.
Stan
Hello?
Cartman
How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
Stan
We're working on it.
Cartman
Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over.
Stan
No, you don't!
Female giggles are heard through the phone, and Stan pulls the receiver from his ear.
Stan
Dude!
Cartman
It's only a matter of time before we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, stupid asshole.
Stan
Aw, that hunk of fat-- [Sharon walks in.] Mom, will you please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?
Sharon
Stanley, I think you should know that your father has moved out.
Stan
What?! Why?
Sharon
Because, we're divorced, Stanley.
Stan
Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?
Sharon
Yeah, kind of.
Stan
...Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
Sharon
But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy.
Roy
Hello, son.
Stan
What?!
Sharon
I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
Sharon leaves.
Roy
Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need, whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count on me.
Stan
This is happening way too fast.
Roy
Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go cut some firewood!
Roy walks off. Stan stares after him blankly. Meanwhile, back at Cartman's house.
Blonde
So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, "Make sure you're home before midnight!"
Cartman
Ahaw, that's weak.
Blonde
And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving me no curfew!"
Cartman
That's killer.
Blonde
And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're not home before midnight, don't bother coming home at all!"
Cartman
That's totally weak!
Blonde
So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
Cartman
Sweet.
Blonde
And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come home!", getting all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap.
Cartman
Killer weak, sweet!
Blonde
I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I want.
Cartman listens intently.
Blonde
I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!
Cartman
I had the same thing with my mom the other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gonna fingerpaint!"
The girls just look at him. Back at Stan's house, Stan and Kyle are putting the finishing touches on their clubhouse.
Stan
Okay. We're done.
Kyle
[Wiggling the railing.] Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.
A piece of it comes off in his hand and falls to the ground, where it breaks.
Stan
It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls.
Stan climbs down.
Kyle
Okay.
Stan is humming as he is going away, but his is stopped by a pair of legs, he looks up.
Stan
G'oh?
Sharon
Stanley, it's time to go!
Stan
Go where?
Sharon
Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is his time with you.
Stan
But no! I have to get the girls to come-
Sharon
Come on, Stanley!
She takes him away by the hand.
Stan
Weak!
A car is heard pulling up. It's Randy, in a red Corvette.
Stan
Dad?
Randy
Hey, Stanley, uh, hop in.
Stan gets in, and they peel off.
Randy
Listen, Stanley, I- I know all this change must be tough on you, but you know, your-your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if we'd split up.
Stan
But I don't understand why we have to--
Randy pulls up and stops next to a pink Jeep.
Randy
Well, hello, ladies.
Blonde Female Passenger
Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar tonight.
Randy
[Suavely.] I'm already there.
She winks at him and the ladies peel off. Randy turns to Stan.
Randy
What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each other any more.
Stan
Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does that mean I can leave her, too?
Randy
Well, no, because you're a family. You just can't leave family; you have to stick with family, no matter what.
Stan
But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split up?
Randy is stumped.
Stan
You know what I think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family. And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I can leave my sister.
Randy
Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.
Randy pulls back up at Stan's house.
Randy
Well, anyway, have a nice day.
Stan
What? That's it?
Randy
Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.
Stan gets out of the car.
Randy
You know that nothing is more important to me than you, right, Stan?
Stan
I guess, but--
Before Stan can finish, Randy drives off, Stan just watches, speechless. Moments later, he is inside his clubhouse with Kyle, they are looking out the window in anticipation of Wendy and Bebe coming over.
Stan
Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth or Dare any minute.
Kyle
Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think you're doing this because you wanna play with girls.
Stan
No way, dude! Don't be silly.
Bebe
[Off screen.] Come on, Wendy.
Stan
We have to say "Truth" a couple of times before we say "Dare," right?
Kyle
Right. Why?
Stan
Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager.
Kyle
Too eager to what?
Stan
To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.
Wendy
[Entering the clubhouse.] Hi, guys.
The boys are startled, but turn around.
Stan
Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?
Bebe
Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth or Dare"?
Stan
Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.
Bebe
Then come on!
They all sit, Wendy across from Stan, Bebe across from Kyle.
Stan
[To Kyle, softly.] Remember, "Truth" the first couple of times.
Kyle
Okay.
Bebe
Who wants to go first?
Wendy
I will. Kyle?
Kyle
Yeah?
Wendy
Truth or Dare?
Kyle
Umm. Dare?
Stan looks at him angrily, then punches him on the arm.
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
What?
Wendy
[Whispers.] How about we give him Bebe?
Bebe
[Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy
[Whispers.] Okay.
Bebe
[Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy
Kiss Bebe on the lips!
Kyle
What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!
Wendy
What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle
It's just wrong, that's all.
Stan
Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes.
Kyle
What the hell have you gotten me into?!
Stan
Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?
Kyle thinks for a moment then looks at Bebe.
Kyle
Hoh boy.
Kyle puckers up, Bebe comes and gives him a peck on the lips.
Kyle
Sick!
He gets up and rushes to the entrance.
Kyle
Aggghhh! Fucking sickening!
Kyle shimmies on down.
Bebe
[Staring at him as he leaves.] Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!
Wendy
Your turn, Bebe.
Bebe
[Seated back by Wendy.] Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?
Stan takes a moment to look at Wendy, then at her lips.
Bebe
Stan, Truth or Dare?
Stan
[Sensually.] Dare.
Before Bebe can respond and bring Stan to Wendy's sweet lips, Roy pops in, ruining everything.
Roy
Son, could you please help me with the firewood?
Stan
...Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We have enough to last twelve years!
Roy
When will you let me in? Let me love you?! Now, get your ass out here and help me.
Wendy
Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare tomorrow.
Stan
Crap!
Over at Cartman's clubhouse.
Blonde
I think you should be able to move out legally when you're fourteen.
Brunette
[Pulls out a cigarette.] Our moms won't even let us smoke.
Blonde
Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with it.
Cartman
Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!
Just then, Liane calls up to him and he freezes.
Liane
Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night.
He's clearly alarmed now.
Liane
Eric, are you out there in your clubhouse?
Cartman
[Voice shaking.] Coming, Mom. [To the girls.] Okay, we have to play Truth or Dare, quick!
Guy in Leather Jacket
Hey, girls.
Guy with Long Hair
What's up.
Blonde
Oh hey, Scott.
Cartman
Who the hell are you?!
Brunette
Uh- we invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.
Cartman
How many people?
The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up.
Bebe
Kyle, can I talk to you?
Kyle
Okay.
Bebe
Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart.
Kyle
Huh?
Bebe
I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with this codependency.
Kyle
Okay, that's fine.
Bebe covers Kyle's mouth with her mitten.
Bebe
No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way.
Kyle
[Muffled.] But I don't care.
Bebe
Please. Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.
She walks over to love interest.
Bebe
Okay, Clyde, we can go now.
Clyde
Bitchin'.
Clyde walks off after her. Back at Stan's house, Roy is watching a home decorating show. Stan comes in.
Host
These are café curtains that require no sewing, and I know you all love that!
A smattering of applause. Not many audience members.
Stan
Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
Roy
Nnuuhunuuhh.
Stan
What?
Roy
Chores. Do chores.
Stan
My dad lets me watch cartoons.
Roy
Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm not your dad! You- you can't just go around playing games with my emotions.
Roy starts weeping and walks away as Sharon approaches.
Sharon
[Arms on her hips.] Stanley, what did you do to Roy?
Stan
Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the clubhouse!
Sharon
[Sighs.] Stanley, you know you're the most important thing to me, right?
Stan
If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!
Sharon
Now Stanley, you have to understand how divorce works. When I say, "you're the most important thing to me," what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness and my new romances.
Stan
Oh.
Sharon
Bye now. Roy!
Sharon goes after him.
Stan
Divorce is stupid.
Stan clicks on the TV, and "Fat Abbot" comes on.
Fat Abbot
Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all black and blue and shit?
Yolanda
Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye.
Fat Abbot
Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!
Yolanda
Really?
Fat Abbot
Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!
Yolanda
You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!
Fat Abbot
No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!
Bill
Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the pudding.
Stan
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy.
Stan grabs paper and pencil and starts writing. That night, over at Cartman's clubhouse, the place is jumping, music is blaring, and a small crowd mills around. The long-haired teenager stands next to the radio for a moment, then passes out. Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs.
Older kid
Hey, kid, give me some of those!
Holding a beer bottle, he grabs some Cheesy Poofs and swallows them.
Cartman fights through the crowd to the teenage girls Kenny found.
Cartman
Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or Dare?
Blonde
What? That game's for kids.
Cartman
This is bullcrap!
Cartman throws up the tray and lets it fly everywhere, Randy, who is also at Cartman's clubhouse party is hanging out near a girl dancing in overalls.
Randy
Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.
Cartman
This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!
The music begins to build.
Punk
Mosh pit!
Kenny stands alone in an open space in the crowd.
Kenny
(Huh?)
The crowd rushes to fill it in and stomps all over him, then disperses, revealing rats feasting on his corpse. The lyrics appropriately say, "Why don't you just pull a piece of me? Why catch some piece of me? Why does everybody want a piece of me?"
Cartman
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Outside on the street in front of Cartman's house, Kyle happens to be passing by.
Kyle
You bastard!
Over at Stan's house. Sharon shouts for Stan to hear if he is home.
Sharon
Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation! Stan?
She sees the note he has written, which reads: Meet me in the clubhouse. She tosses the note onto the sofa and walks out. Roy enters the living room after she has left.
Roy
Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?
Roy sees the note and reads it aloud.
Roy
Meet me at the clubhouse.
Out inside Stan's clubhouse, Randy is sitting alone, Sharon climbs up and parts the curtain behind him.
Sharon
Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?
She climbs in and sits near him.
Randy
I, uh, got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh clubhouse.
Sharon
Oh I thought that note was for me.
Randy
Oh, maybe it was.
Sharon looks around, surveying Stan and Kyle's handiwork.
Sharon
Well, it looks like our little Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here.
Randy
I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.
A moment of awkward silence, then Sharon gets up and goes to leave.
Sharon
Goodnight.
Randy
Sharon?
Sharon
Yes?
She turns back to face him.
Randy
Truth or Dare?
Sharon
It's too late for games.
She comes back in and sits down.
Randy
No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
Sharon
Truth.
Randy
Do you still love me?
Sharon
Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him.
Roy exits the house looking for Sharon.
Roy
Sharon--
Roy springs a trap.
Roy
Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
Randy
Well, you never know. Maybe--
Roy
He-
Randy
--thing will work out.
Roy
Hello?
Sharon
Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?
Roy
Sharon?
Randy
[Sensually.] Dare.
Sharon
Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.
Randy pounces on her and they go at it.
Roy
Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?
Stan is holding the rope to the trap.
Stan
Wow. Clubhouses are magical.
The next day back at the clubhouse, Stan, Wendy, Bebe, and Clyde are there.
Bebe
Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
Stan is nervous, sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy then at her lips.
Stan
Dare.
Wendy and Bebe whisper.
Bebe
Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
Stan
...What?!
Wendy
Wow, that sucks!
Bebe
Do you think it'll hurt?
End of Clubhouses, Roy is still dangling from the tree outside.
Roy
Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?
End of Clubhouses


  212: "Clubhouses" edit
Story Elements

RoyFat Abbott • "Piece of Meat" • Ewok Village 2000

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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