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City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)/Script

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The official script for "City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Boy In The Red Shirt
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • Truck Driver
  • Talent Scout
  • Marty Jonus
  • Jay Leno
  • Liane Cartman
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sheila Broflovskif
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Mr. Mackey
  • The Scary Monster
  • Aliens
  • Scuzzlebutt
  • Brent Musberger
  • Kathie Lee Gifford (and the alien inside her)
  • Dr. Alphonse Mephesto
  • John Elway
  • Death
  • Marvin Marsh
  • Arthur Fonzarelli and the Happy Days gang
  • Carrot Ass
  • Mayor McDaniels

Script

City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)
A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere going uphill. The kids are having a grand time running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire two-tiered chocolate cake in his lap.
Ms. Crabtree
BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE SLIICK!
Stan
Hey, Cartman!
Cartman
What?
Stan
Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman
[Finishes a bite.] Hmmm, let me see. No!
Kyle
Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman
Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
Stan
Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree
[Turns around.] BE QUIET BACK THERRE!
Kyle
Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan
Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle
I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman
[Now baiting.] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Oh, yes I can. [Resumes eating.]
Stan
Shut up, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree slams on the brakes, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny.
Ms. Crabtree
Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!
She now points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving.
Stan
Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle
Oh, she would, dude. She would.
The bus comes to a halt at a road block.
Ms. Crabtree
GOODD!
The sign reads: Road Closed due to Avalanche. Detour at your own risk.
Ms. Crabtree
OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
She starts up the bus and takes the detour.
Stan
Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman
[Exhausted.] I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but but, but I'll try.
Kyle
Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
Ms. Crabtree
[Spins around.] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
She turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn.
Ms. Crabtree
Whoa oh.
She slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill.
Ms. Crabtree
Hold oonn! Aaaaa!
The kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down.
Kids
Aaaah!
Kyle
I'm scared!
Ms. Crabtree
BE QUIET, KID!
The kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river - and over a waterfall, straight down.
All
Aaaah!
Near the river, a guide is taking a couple bird-watching.
Guide
...Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area.
The guide walks forward. The husband takes a picture of the chickadee. In the background, the bus falls past them.
The Kids
Aaaah!
Wife
What was that?
Guide
[Turns.] What was what?
At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water and bobs up facing backwards.
All
Aaaah-
It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice.
Cartman
All done!
Ms. Crabtree
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Cartman takes his seat, but leaves the cake tin on the floor. The rest of the kids moan and groan, and they are strewn all over the bus.
Ms. Crabtree
I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!
The bunny and gun are out again, and the kids shut up.
Stan
Where are we?
Ms. Crabtree
I have no idea.
Stan
I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
Kyle
Yeah, what are we supposed to do?
Ms. Crabtree
Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual.
She reaches for it and leafs through until she gets to it. She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer.
Cartman
Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree
SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING VIDEO!
Trainer
[The video starts.] Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's video guidebook. What to do if you become stranded. By now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now, it's time to get help. The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'A big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus.'
Ms. Crabtree
KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!
Trainer
That's right. With the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your bus driver's code: 'Sit down. And shut up!'
Ms. Crabtree
I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as soon as I can. Remember. Don't get off this bus, or a big scary monster WILL EAT YOU!
She gets off the bus and walks down the river bank. The bus teeters a bit.
Boy In The Red Shirt
Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?
Kyle
'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!
Ms. Crabtree
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle
I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'
Ms. Crabtree
Oh.
Stan
Dude, this is not good! She could've at least kept the heat on.
A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down to the road and climbs down some large boulders.
Ms. Crabtree
Had to happen to me, didn't it?
Reaches the curb and puts out a thumb.
Truck Driver

Lookin' for love in all the wrong places
Lookin' for love in too-

The truck driver sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair.
Truck Driver
Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa.
He stops his rig and lowers the passenger window.
Truck Driver
Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. Goin' my way?
Ms. Crabtree
SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!
Truck Driver
Whoa. Hehum huh.
Ms. Crabtree
[Grunts.] Yeah! [Now seated.] COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
Truck Driver
Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course.
He checks out her legs and grins.
Ms. Crabtree
TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!
Truck Driver
Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, ma'am.}
He starts up the truck.
Truck Driver
So uh... Uhwhat's a- fragile little doe like yourself doin' out on a, on a night like this?
Ms. Crabtree
LOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN!
She takes a couple.
Truck Driver
Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies.
Ms. Crabtree
ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!
The driver is quite happy right now.
Ms. Crabtree
HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST TOOWWN?!
Truck Driver
Mm-... mm-it's a ways.
Next day, and the bus is still there.
Cartman
You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever.
Kids
[Gasp, then individually.] What? Huh?
Kyle
We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman. We'd die after a couple of days.
The others gasp.
Stan
Dude!
Kyle
What?
Cartman
I don't wanna die on this- bus with you assholes! [Panics.] You guys suck!
Stan
Would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine.
Kyle
Worse than this?
Stan
Well sure. Don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now, that was scary.
Stan's Tale: from Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, but with a twist. The boys and Wendy, are in the forest waiting for the visitors, using Cartman, who is tied to a tree by his foot, as bait.
Cartman tugs at his foot, testing the rope.
Cartman
Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle
How come the visitors aren't coming for him.
Stan
I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman
[Farts fire.] Ow!
Wendy
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle
Yeah. [Shouting] All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!
Cartman
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle
Sure you do!
Stan
Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman
I don't wanna.
Stan
[To Kyle and Wendy] He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle
Fart, damn you!
Cartman
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
Cartman farts, and an anal probe comes out of his butt.
Kyle
Whoa, look at that.
Cartman
It's completely immature!
The probe is starting to resemble a truck.
Stan
Hey, it's happening again.
The assembly is done, and a clerk stands ready to serve ice cream.
Stan
It's a ice cream truck. Now do you believe this, Cartman?
Cartman
You guys can't scare me!
Stan
Cartman, there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass.
The mother ship and three daughter ships come down, and visitors appear. They walk over to the truck.
Kyle
Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice cream.
Stan
Wow! I guess everything's going to be okay.
He walks over to Wendy and kisses her good.
Wendy
Mmmm.
Back to the bus.
Stan
Now, that was what I call a sticky situation.
The kids laugh.
Kyle
You can say that again.
Cartman
Was that how it happened?
In the Trucker's Cab.
Ms. Crabtree
STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!
Truck Driver
Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care a lot about that bus full of uuh- what was it again?
Ms. Crabtree
Children.
Truck Driver
Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you.
They get out of the truck and head over to Pauly Shore's Funny Pit.
Ms. Crabtree
WHO- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!
Carrot Ass
[On stage.] I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' I hate, it's flyin'.
Truck Driver
[Nudging Ms. Crabtree.] Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' in yet?
Ms. Crabtree
WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!
Truck Driver
Damn!
Carrot Ass
D'you guys like impressions?
Patron
No!
Carrot Ass
Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.
Carrot Ass turns around, makes adjustments, and turns again.
Carrot Ass
Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!
Ms. Crabtree
YOU SUUCK!!
The audience roars with laughter.
Carrot Ass
Youse guys, shut up!
Ms. Crabtree
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
More laughter.
Carrot Ass
[As Barney, the dinosaur.] Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love me.
Ms. Crabtree
I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
More laughter. A man falls down from laughing so hard. Carrot Ass pees in his pants and walks off stage. A talent scout walks up to Ms. Crabtree.
Talent Scout
Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! You're the funniest comic I've seen in yeauhs!
Ms. Crabtree
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!
Talent Scout
Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle!
Night time at the precipice.
Stan
Do you see 'er dude?
Kyle
Nope.
Cartman
God-dammit, how long is this goin' to take?
Boy In The Red Shirt
She's never coming back. Don't you get it? She left us here to die like pigs.
Kyle
Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.
Kenny
[Miffed at Kyle.] (Huh?)
Boy In The Red Shirt
I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here! [He begins to hyperventilate.]
Stan
No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said: there's a big black scary monster out there!
Boy In The Red Shirt
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
Kyle
Don't do it, kid.
The kid in the red shirt kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.
Stan
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
The boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and snatches him up.
Boy In The Red Shirt
Nooooo-agh!
The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.
Kyle
Holy crap, dude!
The monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.
Bebe
Gross!
The kids take their seats.
Stan
Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.
South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings, and she answers it.
Liane
Hello?
Sharon
Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Liane
Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?
Sharon
Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?
Liane
Hu-old on, dear, let me check.
Liane lowers the phone.
Liane
Hon, I made beefy logs.
Silence.
Liane
I made Cookie Dings.
Silence.
Liane
No, he's not here.
Sharon
Well, now I am worried. I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are.
Liane
Oh, dear!
Denver.
Talent Scout
I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural! I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.
Marty
What's her angle?
Talent Scout
I can't even explain it. You have to see it.
Marty
Alright. Well, this better be good.
The talent scout turns around and goes to the door.
Talent Scout
Come on in, come on in.
Ms. Crabtree
WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!
Talent Scout
Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree.
Marty
Pleasure to meet you.
Ms. Crabtree
YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!!
Talent Scout
What did I tell you?
Marty
She's fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?
Ms. Crabtree
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!
Marty
Let's get started right away.
Truck Driver
Are you gonna be all right?
Ms. Crabtree
DON'T TOUCH ME!
Truck Driver
Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
Ms. Crabtree
No. I just...
Truck Driver
What?
Ms. Crabtree
I can't help but feel that I've forgotten somethin'.
Another night at the precipice.
Stan
What time is it?
Kenny
(Almost 7:30.)
Kyle
On Wednesday or Thursday?
Stan
Dude, I think it's Saturday now.
Cartman
What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.
Kyle turns around and stares out the back window.
Kyle
Aw man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus.
Stan
Well, we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us.
Cartman
What do you think it is?
Stan
I don't know, it's- a big scary monster.
Kyle turns to listen.
Kyle
Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt. [He sits back down.]
Stan
What?
Kyle
Don't you remember? That time we were out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and Ned.
Kyle's Tale: from Volcano, with a twist. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are running from the flowing lava.
Boys
Aaaaaa!
Jimbo
The lava's comin' right for us!
Cartman
Heellp!
The lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare in awe.
Jimbo
Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
Cartman
What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
Kyle
Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Brent Musberger
Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger.
Kyle
Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!
All
Aaaa!
Jimbo
Quick Ned, shoot it!
Ned tries to cock the gun but nothing is happening.
Ned
Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo.
Stan
Hey, look!
Scuzzlebutt
Grrrr.
Scuzzlebutt has fashioned some ice cream cones out of thin air.
Kyle
Dude! He's making ice cream.
Scuzzlebutt offers the cones to the boys, Cartman takes the chocolate one.
Cartman
Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!
Kyle
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
The kids laugh.
Stan
Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because Scuzzlebutt's nice.
Cartman
Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle
Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us!
Cartman
Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?
Cartman's Tale: from Weight Gain 4000. Mr. Garrison is in the book depository waiting for Kathie Lee to pass by.
Mayor McDaniels
[Excitedly.] Here she comes!
The band marches down the street, followed by Kathie Lee Gifford's car and entourage. She's in her bubble waving to the crowds.
Mr. Garrison
Come on you little bitch.
He takes aim, but the view is fuzzy as he focuses in on her.
Mayor McDaniels
[On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
The crowd cheers. Kathie Lee's security force throw her, bubble and all, on stage.
Kathie Lee
Thank you.
Mr. Garrison has his target, but Stan and Wendy rush in.
Stan
Mr. Garrison, stop!
Mr. Garrison
[He turns to face them.] Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy
But Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison
[Faces them again.] She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kinda alien.
Kathie Lee
Thank you. And I love you all.
A shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal a vicious little green alien.
Alien
Naawwr!
The alien jumps out of the bubble. Mr. Garrison follows it in his sights and shoots it dead.
Mr. Garrison
[Facing Stan and Wendy.] See, I told ya.
Stan and Wendy shrug and lock lips.
Wendy
Mmmm.
Mayor McDaniels
[Sheepishly giddy.] Wow, this is gonna put a damper on the day. [Into the mic.] Let's have ice cream, everyone! [The crowd cheers.]
Cartman is on stage, totally ripped, he flexes with a vanilla ice cream cone in his left hand.
Cartman
Beefcaake!
Cartman
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
The kids laugh.
Stan
But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun.
Cartman
Oh, yeah.
Burbank, NBC Studios, 11:35 p.m.
Announcer
Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's special guests include: Washed-up Actress from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree. And now, here's your host, Jay Leno.
He comes out with a very long chin, down to his knees. He turns and waves at the audience.
Talent Scout
Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there.
Ms. Crabtree
KILL WHO?!
Talent Scout
Huh that's great. Use that. [Holds up his thumbs.]
Truck Driver
Honey du-, do you need anything?
Ms. Crabtree
JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.
Truck Driver
[Rushing up.] Sure.
He offers it, and she takes it and swallows.
Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there with Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey
Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, n'kay? This type of thing happens all the time.
Sharon
What do ya mean?! How often does an entire third-grade class go missing?!
Mr. Mackey
Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing, it's because they've run away. M'kay?
The parents gasp.
Sharon
Run away?
Sheila
[Fretfully.] Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gefukahukah.
Randy
How do we get our runaway children back?
Mr. Mackey
Well, we just need to make some posters, nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That way, the public can know what the chldren look like and can call in if thry're spotted, m'kay?
Sharon
Let's get started right away! They could be halfway to L. A. by now.
Sheila
It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack.
About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post.
Man 1
Come on, everybody!
Man 2
We've got to find those kids!
Man 1
If we all put our heads together, we can find them!
Man 2
We can do it!
Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws men, young and old, from all around.
Man 3
Hi.
On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde, Stan, Kyle, Macaulay Culkin, Pip,...
Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud thud.
Stan
What was that?
Kyle
What was what?
Stan
Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus!
Kyle
What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against.
Kenny
(Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance and Phillip was off the air?)
Kyle
Hey yeah, I remember that.
Kenny
(All I know is that it was a loong time ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle down the street.)
Kenny's Tale: from Death. The boys are running down the street, Death pursues them, and Grandpa Marsh pursues Death.
The Boys
Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Death is following the kids on a tricycle, while Grandpa Marsh is trying to keep up with Death on his electric wheelchair.
Grandpa Marsh
Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
The Boys
Aaaah!
Kyle
[Sees Death close to Kenny.] Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Grandpa
Come over here you son of a whore!
Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny decides to defend his life.
Kenny
(Take... that!)
Kenny flips Death off the trike and starts jumping on him. Death starts coming apart.
Kenny
(You dick! That is for me, and that, that and that, that and that, that, that, that!)
Kyle and Stan return to watch.
Stan
Oh my God! Kenny- killed... death!
Kyle
You... bastard?
Kenny reaches into Death's corpse, pulls out a strawberry ice cream cone, and starts licking.
Kenny
(Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call a sticky situation!)
The kids laugh.
Stan
Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be Death, because Death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.
Kenny
(Oh, yeah.)
Kyle
Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us. Right?
The roof rips open and the scary monster reaches in and gropes for someone. Butters jumps for the front window, and Pip and Craig try to open their windows.
Kids
AAAAH!
The monster's claw settles on Kenny and pulls him out.
Kenny
[Gasps.] (Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!)
The monster scurries away, holding Kenny tight.
Stan
Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
Stan watches as Kenny and the monster disappear.
Stan
Hoh boy, we're in big trouble.
Cartman looks out through the gaping hole in the roof.
Cartman
Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?
Back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Crabtree's segment has just started.
Ms. Crabtree
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?!
The audience laughs.
Ms. Crabtree
STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!!
More laughs.
Ms. Crabtree
I SAID, SHUT UP!!
The audience is hushed, then roars with laughter again. She stays quiet and walks off stage.
Jay Leno
Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What an up-and-comer!
Truck Driver
Well. That was great, ma'am.
Ms. Crabtree
Was it? Does it even matter?
Truck Driver
Wwhat do ya mean?
Ms. Crabtree
Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up.
Truck Driver
Are you sure?
Ms. Crabtree
Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
They walk off. Meanwhile it's daytime, and the sun is shining into the bus through the roof.
Cartman
I wonder when the monster is gonna come back to feed again?
The kids shiver.
Kyle
We've just gotta stick together.
Stan
Yeah. There's got to be a way out of this.
Cartman
Hay, wait a minute.
Stan
What?
Cartman
Remember the time when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle?
Happy Days' Tale: Arnold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up the bike.
Joanie Cunningham
Go, Fonzie!
Fonzie
Eeeeyyyy!
The Fonz strikes a pose and gives a thumbs up.
Cartman
You can do it, Fonzie.
Stan
We believe in you, Fonz.
Fonzie
Eeeeyyyy!
The Fonz revs up his motorcycle and heads for the ramp. He passes it and turns around, does a wheelie, and goes for the jump. He sails over the buses and lands. He gets close to the crowd and loses control. Everybody but Kenny gets out of the way.
Kenny
(Hey, that freakin' bike-!)
Fonzie's bike smashes him into the brick wall and bounces off, and Fonzie sails over the wall. After a moment, Kenny drops, and Fonzie gets up behind the wall.
Fonzie
[Triumphantly.] Eeyy!
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate ice cream cone, then starts licking.
Stan
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Cartman
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Uheheheh, heh.
Stan
You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened!
Kyle
Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then, too?
Cartman
[Thinks.] Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
As he turns around, the bus lurches again.
Stan
Oh no!
The bus teeters.
Kids
Aaaah!
Kyle
What are we gonna do?
Kids
[Running around.] Aaaah!
Nighttime arrives, and Kyle looks out the back window as the kids move around. Clyde and Red run to the front, and Craig runs from the front door to the seat behind the driver.
Stan
Now we need more weight in the back.
Red and Clyde run back, and the third kid runs back to the door.
Stan
No, that's too much!
Clyde and Red run to the front, but stop halfway. The front of the bus drops back to the ground.
Kyle
There. [Drops into his seat.] I think we got it.
Stan
I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.
Kyle
Don't worry. Everything's gonna work out. It always does.
Cartman
It does?
Kyle
Sure. Remember that time that that kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own?
The Ensign's Tale: Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself.
Boy In The Red Shirt
Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
Kyle
Don't do it, kid.
The kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.
Stan
Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
The boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and traps the boy.
Dialog
Boy In The Red Shirt
Nooooo-agh!
The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.
Kyle
Holy crap, dude!
The monster pulls out a spoon and some ice cream to enjoy with his meal.
Kyle
Hey look! He's got ice cream!
Kyle and Stan smile.
Kids
Hooray! Yea!
The roof opens up.
Kids
Aaah!
Cartman smiles, and ice cream cones start dropping in for the kids to catch.
Kids
Yea! Ha ha.
The kids enjoy the treats.
Kyle
Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
The kids laugh.
A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet moment.
Ms. Crabtree
Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
Truck Driver
From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh. But once you get inside it...
They look at each other.
Truck Driver
...you realize that it has an inner beauty, far surpassing others.
He hugs her a little tighter.
Truck Driver
Thank you for sharing your time with me, Ms. Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree
Please. Call me Muffin.
Truck Driver
I'm having a nice time, Muffin.
Ms. Crabtree
Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.
The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to rescue them.
Cartman
Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones.
Kyle
Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, for the trainng video? Maybe we can watch TV on it.
Stan
Hey yeah!
Cartman hops down, goes to the driver's seat, and turns on the TV. After a second or two, News 4 pops up.
Tom
...And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children, in hopes that their young will hear their cries.
Randy
Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa.
Stan looks glum.
Randy
Gosh, your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that... wherever you may be, you'll hear this message.
Music begins, and Randy sings passionately.
Randy

Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world
Runaway, findin' streets so cold

Kyle
[Pointing at Stan.] Du-hude! Your dad's a retard!
Stan looks embarrassed. On TV, Gerald steps up to the mic.
Gerald
Please come home, Kyle.
Now Kyle looks glum.
Gerald

You left home lookin' for somethin' new.

Kyle is really embarrassed.
Gerald

But all you need is right here waitin' for you

The kids laugh at Kyle.
The Parents

Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are.
Runaway, come home. We're sorry things went this far.

There are twelve adults present: The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks, Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Kevin's mother, and three unidentified adults.
Stan
Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?
Clyde
I hope my dad doesn't sing.
Cartman
Hey! Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was?
Stan
Boy, do I!
Cartman's Tale: from Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut. All the men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital. The boys and Liane are also there.
Mephesto
Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... John Elway.
All gasp. Congratulatory music plays.
Cartman
Sweeeeeett! [Smiles big.]
John Elway
Uh oh.
Cartman
This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway is my father!
He starts a little cheer.
Cartman

My father is John Elway,
My father is John Elway
Deedun, Deedun.

John Elway comes over to Cartman.
John Elway
Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream.
Cartman looks up lovingly at his purported father, and they walk away. Curiously, Liane Cartman is left behind.
Cartman
Now, that's what I call a sti-
Kyle
Wait a minute. I though your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis.
Cartman
What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!
He hops off his seat, and the bus heaves. He makes his way to the back.
Stan
Cartman, no!
The bus starts to tip over.
Kids
Aaaaaa!
Stan
The bus is going over!
Kyle
Oh no!
Kids
[All hurrying to the front.] Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.
Craig tries to hang on to a seat, but loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. The bus snaps in two, and the front end comes down. A second later, both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.
Kids
Aaaaa!
The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a giant bucket of Super Chocolaty Chunky Funk Chip Surprise Ice Cream. The kids are strewn all over the place once again.
Stan
[He and Kyle get up and look out the window] Hey! We've landed in ice cream!
Kids
Hooray!
Cartman
Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I must be-
Cartman's bedroom. Cartman snaps out of a vivid dream and sits up.
Cartman
Deah, eh eh. [Sweats.] Oh man, what a weird dream!
Liane appears at his door with milk and a bowl.
Liane
Ah-are you okay, hon?
Cartman
Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, and we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
Liane
Oh. Well. Would you like some beetles for breakfast?
Beetles start crawling out of the bowl.
Cartman
Yes, please.
Liane snaps up the first beetle the leaves the bowl and eats it.
Liane
Mmmm.
Cartman
Mmmm. [Munch munch gobble.] Mmmm.
Liane
Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.
Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep.
Stan
GAAA-uh.
Stan is now wide awake, as he sits up.
Stan
Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare.
He reaches for the phone and dials a number.
Kyle
[Already up, reaches for the phone.] Hello?
Stan
Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
Kyle
Really?
Stan
Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about things that had happened, only they were all wrong, and, and then he and his mother ate beetles.
Kyle
Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.
Stan
Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems.
Kyle
Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?
Stan
Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep anymore. See you later.
He hangs up, hops off the bed and leaves.
The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware, like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks.
Ms. Crabtree
I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus.
Truck Driver
Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree
What is it? What's wrong?
Truck Driver
You realize I can't stay. None of this is real: it's... it's all been a little eight-year old's dream.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can.
Truck Driver
Sure.
He hugs her a bit tighter, and they stare off into the horizon, at a very red sunset.
"Runaway, Come Home" plays.
End of City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)


  207: "City on the Edge of Forever (Flashbacks)" edit
Story Elements

Veronica CrabtreeBoy with Red ShirtCarrot AssBig Black Scary Monster • "Runaway, Come Home" • Red's Roofies

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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