South Park Archives

Christian Rock Hard/Script

< Christian Rock Hard

3,376pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Add New Page Comments0


  • Stan
  • Kyle
  • Cartman
  • Kenny
  • Butters
  • Token
  • Randy Marsh
  • Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
  • FBI Agents and Detective
  • Field Reporter
  • Announcers and MC
  • T-Shirt and Bible Vendors
  • Elderly Woman
  • Trinity
  • Sanctified
  • Fans
  • Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield, from Metallica
  • Britney Spears
  • Faith Records CEO and Executives
  • U.S. Mail delivery driver
  • Michael Collins


[Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes, but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums]
Cartman: God dammit! [hangs his head and lets the mic stand fall into his left hand. All stop playing and the side door opens]
Randy: [looks in] Stan, are you okay?
Stan: Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band. [Cartman straightens up]
Randy: Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [steps back and closes the door]
Cartman: [cackling] Heheheheheh heheheheheh.
Kyle: He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz.
Kenny: (What? Is it?)
Stan: Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented. [Cartman paces the floor with arms behind his back]
Kyle: I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration.
Cartman: [stops] Inspiration. Wait a minute, [turns right and walks away from them] that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see?
Stan: See what?
Cartamn: [turns around] Our band should play Christian rock! [beams with pride]
Kyle: Christian rock?!
Cartman: [races back to the band] Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!
Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
Cartman: [protests, takes a step towards Kyle] It worked for Creed!
Stan: I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band!
Cartman: [steps towards Stan] You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genius!
Kyle: [pointing to an exit] Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do!
Kyle: You're on, fat boy!
Cartman: Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have a platinum album wins! Go! [runs out as fast as his fat little body will let him, and pants]
Kyle: [after a few seconds of watching the door] What a stupid asshole!
[The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He appears over a rise on one of the streets]
Cartman: Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle! [runs up to a house and pounds on the front door. The door opens up and it's Butters who answers]
Butters: Oh, hi Eric.
Cartman: Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house! We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters! [dashes off]
Butters: [watching Cartman run off] ...Ohhh!
[Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door]
Cartman: No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle! [pounds on the door and Token answers] Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house! [turns around and dashes off]
Token: What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
Cartman: [spins around] Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere! [runs off. Token gets annoyed and shuts the door]
[Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman is at the piano, Butters is on drums.]
Butters: Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... ih-inspiration.
Cartman: Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me. [makes changes to the sheet music on the piano's sheet music holder]
Token: [arrives with a bass and a small amplifier] Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.
Cartman: I told you, Token.
Token: So, what are we doing?
Cartman: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives.
Butters: Wow!
Cartman: We are going to start... a Christian rock band.
Butters: [his smile vanishes and he slumps in his chair] Awww.
Token: [moves towards the front door] I'm out. [picks up his amp]
Cartman: Wait! [Token stops, Cartman rushes over] Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be- [points to Butters]
Butters: Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars.
Cartman: Still want to leave, Token? [Token thinks a bit, then resumes his place] Thank you.
[The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting]
Kyle: [enters and stands before them] Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?
Gerald: Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for??
Kyle: Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound.
Gerald: Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already.
Kyle: Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life!
Gerald: It wasn't your life yesterday. [resumes reading]
Kyle: Hold it. [plaintive] Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops.
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle, don't belittle your own people!
Kyle: [turns and walks off in frustration] Aaaargh! [heads for the front door and opens it. Stan and Kenny approach the entrance. It's night out.]
Stan: Hey dude.
Kyle: It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!
Stan: No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet!
Kyle: Really?
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: You got a computer?
[Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer. Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch.]
Stan: See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs, and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer!
Kyle: All right, cool. [takes over] Let's download some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder. [with each name, he clicks on some songs and a download indicator shows download progress for each one. It's an extremely fast connection]
Kenny: (Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
Stan: Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too.
Kyle: [types in the search box] Judas Priest. [a two-tone bell sound indicates a successful download] Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome! [immediately, helicopters are heard coming and the light outside turns bright white. A night sun hovers overhead and stops at a position in which the helicopter pilots can see inside the den. Police sirens are then heard]
Stan: What the hell is that?
Kyle: I don't know. [drops from the bench and walks over to a window] Let me go check. [an FBI agent crashes through the window, falls and rolls into a standing position, then aims his firearm at the boys. The boys are startled and jump]
Agent 1: Freeze!! FBI!! [a second agent crashes through the other window and rolls into position as well. A third agent leaps in through the second window]
Agent 2: Down on the ground! Down on the ground! [the boys are herded closer together. Three thumps are heard on the door and more agents break in with a battering ram.]
Agent 3: Hurry up! Let me see those hands! [the boys quickly raise their hands as more agents pour in. The boys are handcuffed]
Agent 2: [into his walkie-talkie] Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody! [the boys are escorted out of the room]
Agent 4: Move move move move move move! All clear, men! [to the boys] Get your ass going!
Agent 5: Move move move move move move! Move!
Gerald: [appears at the door with Sheila] Kyle, what did you do?!
Kyle: [being herded into an FBI van with the other boys] I don't know!
[Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice]
Cartman: All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. [some sheet music is shown. Cartman has already crossed out the original author's name] See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with [writes next to "baby"] Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat. [Butters doesn't understand, but starts drumming. It's rather good] Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play bass. [Butters stops]
Cartman: [Sighs, has his left fist on his forehead, eyes shut] Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line! [Token begins to play a bass line, then is surprised that he can actually do it, then realizes that Cartman is right]
Token: God-damnit! [Butters joins in and their sounds flow together]

All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. [begins to sing]
I need you in my life, Jesus.
I can't live without you, Jesus
And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.

Butters: Well done!
[United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside, a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table]
Kyle: [some seconds later] Um, sir-
Detective: Shiut up!! [the boys jump in their seats, then look down, chagrined] You downloaded a lot of songs! Says here you even downloaded Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys are lookin' at. You got anything to say for yourselves?
Kyle: [rubs the table a bit] We d-didn't think it was that big a deal.
Detective: [pissed off] Not a big deal! You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?! Put your couts on! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it!
[A mansion, somewhere, day. The agent has taken the boys for a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate]
Detective: This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica. [they approach a bush] Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool. [he's seen sitting on the edge of a chaise longue, his face in his hands, softly sobbing]
Kyle: What's the matter with him?
Detective: This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool, but thanks to people downloading his music for free, he must now wait a few months before he can afford it. [a close-up of Lars sobbing] Come. There's more. [leads them away. Next seen is a small airport at night] Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything? [a shot of Britney boarding a plane, then stopping to look at it before entering] Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free. [Britney gives a heavy sigh and goes inside.] The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system. Still think downloading music for free is no big deal?
Kyle: We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh...
Detective: That is the folly of man. Now look in this window. [they are at another mansion, and they look inside a picture window] Here you see the loving family of Master P. [He's shown tossing a basketball to his wife while his kid tries to catch it] Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia. [his mom lowers the ball and gives it to the boy, who smiles, picks it up and drops it. It rolls away and he goes after it]
Kyle: So, he's gonna get it, right?
Detective: I see an island without an owner. If things keep going the way they are, the child will not get his tropical paradise.
Stan: [apologetically] We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!
Detective: [somberly, dramatically] Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
[Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead]
Cartman: Almost there, you guys.
Butters: Ow...
Token: Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here?
Cartman: Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover. [sets up his camera on a tripod] The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover.
Butters: Wow, neato! An album cover! [walks out onto the sand]
Token: [follows Butters onto the sand] This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!
Cartman: [when Token seems out of earshot] I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
Token: [spins around] What did you say?! [Cartman is startled]
Cartman: Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool. I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too. [begins to focus the shot. Butters and Token stand together]
Butters: Cheese!
Cartman: No no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care! [Butters and Cartman move apart. Token moves off to a boulder a little farther away, Butters moves a bit closer to the camera]
Butters: Cheese!
Cartman: No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!
Butters: Oh...
Cartman: Token, look away to the right. [Token looks off to the right] More. [Token turns his head to the right] More!
Token: [turns all his body to the right] Why the hell would I be looking way over there??

So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole! Now just hold it! [starts the timer, then steps into the shot] Our first album cover. [raises his hands and head in praise and closes his eyes. The first shot is taken. More album covers. First, the three boys looking down at the camera as if in a football huddle. Next, a shot of the three of them standing in line, frowning. Next, a shot of Cartman making more changes to sheet music, Cartman in his room/home studio making changes with a reel-to-reel player beside him, Cartman on a bus writing new lyrics onto his left palm: "Jesus is awesome. I love him so much. Jesus is great." Cartman playing his changes on the reel-to-reel player to his band-mates. At Butters' house Butters presents Cartman with a fresh print of their first album wrapped in cellophane. Token uses a hair dryer on the CD to shrink-wrap the cellophane in place, and the camera zooms in. While the scenes roll by, Cartman sings]
Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go.
My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door.
I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.

[The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve the boys]
Gerald: Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused.
Detective: It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson.
Stan: Boy, I'll say!
Detective: If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees.
Randy: Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet? It's not that big a deal.
Detective: Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it! [leads the parents away]
Stan: [walks off in the opposite direction] Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice.
Kenny: (Yeah)
Kyle: No! Didn't you guys learn anything? Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet. We won't make a dime!
Stan: Oh yeah.
Kyle: Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
[Kyle's house, day. A reporter stands in front of it waiting to make his report. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit on the steps with a sign beside them: "Musicians on Strike"]
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play. The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week.
Cartman: [walks up] Oh hey guys. How's it going?
Kyle: We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off!
Cartman: [brushes off Kyle's comment] I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys. I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band, [brings out the CD] Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.
Stan: It is?? [Kyle's jaw drops]
Cartman: That's right. We already sold thirteen copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya! [tugs at one of the lobes on Kyle's hat] Hahahaha ha ha!
Kyle: You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd!
Cartman: It's just a matter of time, my friends. This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest. Each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash. And I'll be there selling my album.
Kyle: You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!
Stan: Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity.
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it. Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Ta-ta! [walks off]
Kyle: Go ahead! People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways!
Stan: What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
[Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with all sorts of booths selling stuff.]
T-Shirt Vendor: Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!
Bible Vendor: Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
Cartman: Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's ever been produced, actually..
Elderly Woman: Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.
Cartman: [takes the woman's body and puts it in the treasurer's box] I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ.
Butters: Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are. [Cartman flashes an angry look at Butters. The woman looks deceived, but she takes the album with her anyway]
Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
MC: [the boys look up] All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003! [the boys leave their booth and enter the stadium] are you ready for some live music? [the crown inside begins to cheer]
A Man: Yeah Jesus!
MC: Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity! [the lights come up on them]
Trinity: The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me up

And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.

Cartman: [listening backstage, moves away a big] Dammit! If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage! [a group of men walk by]
Band Member 1: Hey is this the way to the backstage?
Cartman: Who are you?
Band Member 1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.
Band Member 2: Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core.
Cartman: Yeah, you guys are real hard core.
Band Member 1: You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are!
Stage Hand: [stepping in] All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next.
Band Member 3: Yeah! Let's do it!
Band Member 2: Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!
Cartman: Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage.
Band Member 2: Well, that, that's cool.
Band Member 1: Always good to be praying before you're playin'.
Cartman: [edges over to a storage room with an open door] Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better. [enters. The members of Sanctified follow him in] Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we... [quickly runs out and locks the band in, then props a chair up against the doorknob so the band can't get out]
Butters: Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out. [a shot of the stadium's exterior, then of the stands and stage]
MC: All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight? [the crowd cheers]
Fans: Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
MC: Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified!
Stage Hand: [walks up and whispers] That's Faith + 1.
MC: Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. Give it up for ... Faith + 1! [steps away as the house lights converge on the group. They begin to play]

You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song.
I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me
[the fans sway back and forth]
I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby!
You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right?
What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby!
Your love... is my life! You know when I’m without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh!
I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to
Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!

[Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps, sulking, striking]
Stan: [sighs] Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough.
Kyle: Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of. We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey!
Field Reporter: [the News 4 crew is still there, too] Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet. One percent said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!" Back to you, Tom.
Lars Ulrich: [the guys from Metallica approach] Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading?
Stan: [awed] Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!
Lars Ulrich: That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent!
James Hetfield: We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!
Field Reporter: Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music. This is a veritable Strikapalooza!
[Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed in bright sunlight]
CEO: Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest. You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!
Cartman: Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent.
Butters: [tickled by Cartman's line] Heeheeheeyeah.
Executive 1: [looking at some papers, starts off hesitantly] We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you.'" seems you really love Christ.
Cartman: Yes, we sure do.
Executive 1: Eh no but ih it appears you are actually... in love with Christ. [the boys look at each other confused]
Cartman: [turns the tables] Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??
Executive 1: [on the defensive] Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
Cartman: Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this??
Executive 1: Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money.
Cartman: I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.
Butters: [slowly moves away] Uhm, oh. [leaves his chair]
Executive 1: That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.
[Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown]
Announcer: K-tal Records [its logo descends from the sky and drops below the screen] presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world! Faith + 1, [The CD cover appears] featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music.
Cartman: Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone.
Announcer: [speaking over Cartman] With great inspirational songs like "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday,"
Cartman: Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.

I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!

Announcer: [a shot of a home library, with fireplace and the CD propped on an end table] The CD is filled with instant classics. Who doesn't remember... [the titles scroll by: "The Body of Christ," "Christ Again," "A Night With the Lord," "Touch Me Jesus," "I Found Jesus (With Someone Else)," "Savior Self," "Christ, What a Day," "Three Times My Savior," "Jesus Touched Me"]

The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned!
The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own!

You're one time, two times, three times my Savior...

Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...

Announcer: ["Quantites Limited!!!" cycles on the screen] This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available, so order now!
[Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef Aid, have gathered to strike against free music downloads with MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld.]
Stan: I can't take this much longer. Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band.
Kyle: You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now! As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever!
Lars: Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!
Kyle: I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop. [a vehicle is heard pulling up. It's a U.S. Mail van. The driver steps out and approaches the crowd]
Driver: Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
Kyle: [steps down to get the letter] That's us! [the driver hands him the letter and leaves. Kyle opens the envelope and reads] "Dear MOOP. This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies."
Stan: What??
Kyle: "We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony, which will be held tomorrow morning at ten. Details and proof of sales enclosed. P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha." [stands silently for a moment, then hands the letter to Stan and walks forth a bit] He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.
Stan: Is this for real?? This is for real!
Kyle: He beat us. Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music that we forgot to just play.
Lars: But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars.
Kyle: [turns around and addresses the crowd] Because that's what real artists do. People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening.
Stan: [joins Kyle and faces the crowd] Beside, maybe our sound would have gotten downloaded for free, but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert. [shots of Rick James, Ozzy, Britney and two other acts.]
Kyle: From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?! [grins, but gets no response]
Britney: ...We're just about the money.
Other acts: Yeah, yeah.
Kyle: [casts his eyes down] Oh.
Stan: So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman. Are you- gonna pay 'im?
Kyle: I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say "Congratulations. You were right" And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it.
[Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his album cover printed on it]
Cartman: Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly.
Token: Cartman, what the hell is all this?
Cartman: Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense.
Token: But you spent all the money we made!
Cartman: We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole. [addresses the milling crowd] There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive and join Cartman onstage] Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!
Kyle: Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars.
Cartman: [deferring] Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on. [grabs the mic and addresses the crowd] Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the crowd cheers wildly]
A Fan: We like to praise Christ!
Cartman: Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now. [Kyle is awfully pissed. A technician lowers a lever and stage lights bathe the boys]
Announcer: [a power chord is played, with angelic accompaniment added] Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One. [the crowd cheers] And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins. [he walks up with a plaque]
Kyle: This is the worst day of my life.
Cartman: Ahhh, this is the best day of my life. [basks in the moment]
Michael Collins: Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold, the Christian Recording Industry is please to present you with this Myrrh album. [presents the album plaque to Cartman. The crowd cheers]
Cartman: [takes the album] Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
Stan: I thought albums win either gold or platinum.
Michael Collins: Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations!
Kyle: Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album! I don't owe you anything, fat boy!
Cartman: You mean to tell me I could never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?!
Michael Collins: No, but you can go double myrrh. [Kyle walks off and Cartman gets pissed]
Cartman: GOD DAMMIT!! [throws his plaque onto the ground, where it shatters. The myrrh album falls away and the crowd is stunned]
Michael Collins: [tries to calm Cartman down] Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain.
Cartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
Michael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
Cartman: OH, FUCK JESUS!! [deep gasp from the crowd. A woman screams loudly in disbelief]
Butters: Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus.
Token: Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: [pounces onto him] Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I could never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus! [The crowd screams in disbelief and scatters about]
A Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole! [Token has had enough of that. He smacks Cartman with a left fist, a right fist, and a kick to the head. Cartman is laid out on his back and Token walks away. Cartman rises, but ends up on all fours coughing. A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. They turn to leave]
Stan: Hm. Guess he got what he deserved. [they walk away. Only Butters is left. Cartman is still coughing and Butters is unsure what to do. He rubs his fists past each other tentatively. Then he makes his move]
Butters: [farts on Cartman's head and flips him off] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away]
[End of Christian Rock Hard.]

  709: "Christian Rock Hard" edit
Story Elements

MoopFaith + 1 Faith + 1 (Album) • "Jesus, Baby" • Blink-182MetallicaBritney Spears • Michael Collins Federal Bureau of Investigation


ImagesScriptWatch Episode


South Park: The Complete Seventh Season

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki