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The official script for "Chickenpox" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Shelly Marsh
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Liane Cartman
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Kevin McCormick
  • Mrs. McCormick
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Terrance and Phillip
  • Chef
  • Frida, the aged Prostitute

Script

Chickenpox
Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and Dr. Doctor stand before Shelly's bed.
Dr. Doctor
It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
Sharon
But what's wrong with her?
Dr. Doctor
It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?
Sharon
No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.
Dr. Doctor
Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease.
The door opens and Stan enters.
Sharon
[Sweetly.] Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan.
Shelly
[In disgust.] Oh, whoo-peee!
Dr. Doctor
You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
Stan
Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
Shelly
Shut up, brat!
Sharon
[With some urgency.] Will my daughter be okay?
Dr. Doctor
She'll be fine.
Shelly
[Stan scratches her cheek.] Stop it!
Dr. Doctor
We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
A crash is heard, and Sharon and Dr. Doctor look on in surprise.
Stan
Ow!
Shelly has knocked Stan to the floor.
Sharon
Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go.
The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair.
Sharon
...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die.
Sheila
My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.
Liane
I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
Sharon
So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young.
Sheila
That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time.
Liane
Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it.
Sharon
So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
Sheila
Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up to the table.
Kyle
Are you guys having a meeting or something?
Sheila
How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
Cartman
No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto.
Kyle
Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
Sharon
Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.
Cartman
Oh weak!
The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house.
Kyle
I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Stan
Yeah, it's pretty weird.
The boys cross some railroad tracks.
Kyle
Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.
They come upon a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog milling around. Strewn about the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigerator, a pack of beer bottles...
Kyle
Well, here's Kenny's house.
Cartman

In the ghetto
On a cold and gray Chicago morn
Another little baby child is born
In the ghetto... In the ghetto

Stan knocks on the door and Stuart McCormick answers, beer in hand.
Stuart
Yeah?
Stan
We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
Stuart
What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with--?
Mrs. McCormick
[Intruding.] That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.
Stuart
Oh yeah.
Stan
Catch what?
Mrs. McCormick
Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.
The boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign...
Cartman

And his momma cried
'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need
Is another little hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto In the ghetto

Stuart sits in his armchair.
Stan
Sshh! Cartman!
Cartman
What?
Mrs. McCormick
[Setting the table.] Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!
Kenny
(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
Mrs. McCormick
I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
Kyle
Heheheh, buns.
Kenny
[Walks up to the other boys.] (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan
Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!
Cartman
[Scanning the room.] Where is the Nintendo?
Stuart
We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
Rats scurry near the TV.
Kyle
Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
Mrs. McCormick
[Now finished setting table.] Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
Cartman
Oh, good. I'm starving.
The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder.
Mrs. McCormick
Let's say grace.
The boys put their hands together.
Stuart
Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
All
Amen.
Cartman
Pfff..!
Mrs. McCormick
Okay, let's dig in.
She drops a waffle into the toaster.
Kevin
That one's mine, that one's mine!
Cartman
[Coolly.] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?
Everyone stops and waits.
Cartman
Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
Stuart
So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
Kyle
I don't know.
Mrs. McCormick
Stuart, don't even get started!
She points at him.
Stuart
[To his wife.] What? I'm just askin' a question. [To Kyle.] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
Cartman
Puh! I heard that.
Mrs. McCormick
That ain't why, Stuart! [Sadness creeps into her voice.] It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!
Stuart
Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!
Mrs. McCormick
What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!
Stuart
You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
Kevin
[Gleefully.] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
Mrs. McCormick
Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman
Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Stuart
Hey! We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman
[Hushed.] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either.
Kenny
(Aa-choo!)
Mrs. McCormick
Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.
Stan
Huh?
Kenny
[Turning towards Cartman.] (Waa-choo!)
Cartman
[Recoiling.] Ey!
Cartman closes both his eyes, but then opens the right one. Later, in Kenny's room. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on.
Cartman
Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Kyle
Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and Stan and Kyle have Terrance and Phillip sleeping bags, Cartman however...
Kyle
Cartman, what the hell is that?
Cartman
It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?
Kyle
No, it's not cool!
Stan
Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
Cartman
Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!
Kenny
(Uh-huh.)
Cartman
Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.
Stan
I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
Kenny
(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)
Stan
Oh.
The boys settle in, and Kenny claps twice. The lights go out.
Kenny
(Aa-choo!)
The next day. The boys have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in his mouth and his skin is starting to break out.
Sharon
Okay, lemme see.
She withdraws the thermometer, and reads it.
Sharon
Oh, goody! You've got a fever!
Stan
[Mad.] Goody? What do you mean, "goody"?!
Sharon
Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright.
Stan
Chickenpo--? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night.
Sharon
Oh, gee, I guess you did.
Stan
Well, you sure seem happy about it!
Sharon
All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa scratching at his skin.
Liane
Don't scratch it, hon.
Cartman
[Whining.] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!
Liane
No, hon.
Cartman
[Whining.] Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!
Liane
Here, I got you some calamine lotion.
She hands the bottle to him.
Cartman
I don't wanna.
Liane
It'll make your itches go away.
She opens the bottle and rubs some lotion on his face.
Cartman
Ugh. Uunnh.
She stops.
Cartman
Ey, give me that!
He takes the bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face.
Cartman
Ahhhh...
Liane
Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
Cartman
More calamine lotion!
Kyle's house. His parents look him over.
Sheila
I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
Kyle
Yeah. I feel great!
Sheila
Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Kyle
Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
Sheila
Did you sleep in the same room?
Kyle
Yes. Why?
Sheila
Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?
Kyle
No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!
Sheila
Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.
Kyle
Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him.
Sheila
I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Kyle
Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?
Gerald
Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
Kyle
Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?
Gerald
Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.
Kyle
But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?
Gerald
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.
Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his lap.
Gerald
You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.
Kyle
Gods and clods?
Gerald
Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.
Kyle
Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
Gerald
That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.
Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless.
Sharon
[Enters.] Stanley, can I get you anything else?
She draws closer and feels his forehead.
Sharon
Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!
Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelly. Their parents are also present.
Sharon
Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay.
Dr. Doctor
[Entering.] Can I talk to you outside?
Sharon
Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
Stan
Okay.
Shelly
[Now that they're alone.] Serves you right, you little brat!
Stan
Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shelly
If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
TV Voice
["Passion Cramps"] Will Carol find out she's a fa...
Stan
I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelly
[Threatening] We're watching this!
Stan
Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click.]
Phillip
Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?
Phillip raises his leg high.
Terrance
Sure thing, Phillip.
Terrance sticks his head in there, and Phillip farts on him.
Terrance
Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!
Stan laughs.
Phillip
That's tomfoolery.
Stan laughs, as do Terrance and Phillip.
Shelly
Give me the remote!
Stan
No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day--
She reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed folds in on him.
Stan
Ey! Get me out of here!
Shelly takes the remote and switches channels.
TV Voice
["Passion Cramps"] She was...
Meanwhile, outside the room.
Dr. Doctor
He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.
Sharon
[Anxious.] Oh God, what have we done?
Dr. Doctor
There there now, it's not your fault.
Randy
Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.
Dr. Doctor
Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck.
Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter.
Kyle
Could we go home now, Ma?
Sheila
No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.
Kyle
But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.
Sheila
I've got a great game for you. It's called "ookie mouth".
Kyle
What's "ookie mouth"?
Sheila
First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say "ookie mouth" at the same time.
Kyle
Sick, dude!
Sheila
No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.
Kenny and Kyle look at each other and walk away.
Shiela
That ought to take care of it.
Mrs. McCormick
You want some more hot water?
Sheila
Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's-- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?
Mrs. McCormick
Naw, we don't go for that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.
Sheila
I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
Mrs. McCormick
Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!
Sheila
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Kyle
Ookie mouth! [Kenny spits in.] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
Sheila
Try again, bubbe!
Kenny spits in Kyle's mouth again.
Kyle
Argh!
Sheila
You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers.
Mrs. McCormick
Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.
Sheila
Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?
Mrs. McCormick
Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
Sheila
Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.
Mrs. McCormick
Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd.
Sheila
But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
Mrs. McCormick
Uh-I don't know.
Sheila
We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.
Kyle returns with Kenny.
Kyle
I can't say "ookie mouth" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.
Kyle's face and hat are covered in spit.
Sheila
Practice makes perfect, bubbe.
Cartman's house. Cartman's on the sofa watching TV, scratching his face.
Cartman
Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!
Terrance
[With clipboard.] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news.
Phillip
Give it to me straight, Terrance.
Terrance
The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.
Phillip
Oh, what a relief!
Terrance
The bad news is, you have cancer.
Cartman is shocked.
Phillip
Cancer?
Terrance
Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
Phillip
My ass is collapsing?
Terrance
Yes. See this X-ray? [Turns it on.] That's your ass. See this line? [Points to it.] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.
Phillip
Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
Terrance
No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.
They both laugh.
Cartman
[Somber.] Oh, no. [The itching returns.] Damnit!
Mr. Kitty strolls by.
Cartman
No, Kitty! That's a-- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber.
Cartman
Uh. Yes. Uh...
Liane
[Closing a door.] I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.
Cartman
[Releases Mr. Kitty.] It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
He grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs.
Liane
Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while.
Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub.
Cartman
Uugh! Yeessss. [His voice trails off.] Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh...
He sinks into the water blissfully as bubbles pop around him. Meanwhile, Gerald and Stuart are driving to the river for a fishing trip.
Stuart
I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
Gerald
Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh...
Stuart
Tackle box?
Gerald
Yeah, tackle box. [Stretches.] Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?
Stuart
When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Gerald
Right. Right-right.
Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison
And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?
Kyle raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison
Yes, Kyle?
Kyle
What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrison
Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle
Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Mr. Garrison
Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, "How I would make America better."
Kyle
What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?
Mr. Garrison
Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
Hell's Pass Hospital.
Stan
Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
Sharon
Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick.
Stan
That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Sharon
Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good.
Stan
Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
Randy
Yeah, it's-it's true, he is.
Sharon
Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.
Stan
Wait! Where are you going?
Randy
We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.
Stan
Milkshakes?!
Sharon
Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
Randy
See ya, son. [They leave.]
Stan
Weak!
Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper.
Kyle
"So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea."
Kyle puts down the pen and paper and walks over to the kitchen.
Sheila
No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.
Sheila is on the phone, Kyle is over by the microwave.
Sheila
He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.
Kyle
[Softly.] What?
Sheila
I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
Kyle
[Frightened.] Oh my God!
Sheila
[Turns.] Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?
Kyle
[Angry.] You!
Sheila
[Subdued.] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
She hangs up.
Kyle
You!
Sheila
[Walks over.] What, bubbeleh, what is it?
Kyle
You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Sheila
Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Kyle
Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!
Sheila
Now, Kyle, come here.
Kyle
You get away from me, you crazy woman!
He runs off.
Sheila
Hoh boy.
Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing.
Stuart
Beer?
Gerald
Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.
Stuart is expressionless.
Gerald
Sahay, remember that time we built the fort in your mom's back yard?
Stuart
Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.
Gerald
Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk? Haha--
Stuart
[Soberly.] That's where I live now.
Gerald
Oh, right.
Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper.
Stan
And so that's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.
Kyle
[Rushing in.] Stan! Stan!
Stan
[Pointing to Shelly.] Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
Kyle
[Softly.] Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house and-and you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox?
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!
Stan
What are you talking about?
Kyle
They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us sick, and they made us do it anyway.
Stan
They did?
Kyle
Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
Stan
Why?
Kyle
Because they're a bunch of assholes.
Stan
[Long gasp.] Of course!
Kyle
Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good!
They rush out of the room, meanwhile, back at Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the floor outside.
Cartman
"I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool."
The doorbell rings.
Cartman
Mom, answer that! "They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool."
Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom.
Kyle
Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
Cartman
I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan
Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny!
Kyle
Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
Cartman
She what?!
Stan
It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman
That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle
No-no-no-no. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back.
Down by the riverside...
Gerald
Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along.
Stuart
Not that easy. You were lucky.
Gerald
Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
Stuart
You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
Gerald
Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today! [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody!
Stuart
[Rising.] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!
Gerald
You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father!
Stuart punches him down.
Gerald
Ow!! [Gets up.]
Stuart
Now don't make me do that again!
Stuard hits him again.
Gerald
Ow! You son of a bitch!
Gerald chokes Stuart. They start tugging at each other.
Stuart
Uh!
Gerald
Ow!
Stuart
Oh!
Gerald
Ow!
Gerald ends up on the ground again.
Stuart
Eeaagghh!
Stuart jumps and does an elbow drop on Gerald.
Gerald
[In pain.] Huuuh!
Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting.
Randy
Doctor?
Dr. Doctor
Yes?
Randy
Wh-where's Stan?
Dr. Doctor
Stan?
Randy
Stan, our son?
Dr. Doctor
Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
Sharon
You mean Stanley's missing?
Dr. Doctor
No, no. He's not missing. We just... can't seem to find him at this moment.
Sharon
[To Randy.] Oh my God! Our son ran away!
Randy
Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Dr. Doctor
Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
Sharon
Die?
Dr. Doctor
Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
Randy
Okay, well well, let's go look--
Dr. Doctor
As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
Sharon
Oh God, no!
Randy
I'm-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Dr. Doctor
Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of--
Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters. His entire outfit is torn, he has a black eye and his fishing line is all mangled.
Sheila
So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
Gerald
That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
Sheila
Catch anything?
Gerald
I just don't get it.
He drops the pole.
Gerald
Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
Sheila
Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
Gerald
What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
Sheila
I thought it would be good for you.
Gerald
Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's; and that didn't work either!
Sheila
[Exasperated, she leaves.] I'm doing the best I can!
Gerald picks up Kyle's paper on the sofa and looks over it.
"My Final Solution by Kyle Broflovski."

"My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps."

Gerald
What?!
"If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll all be dead. The end."
Gerald
Oh, God, what have I done?
Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip are both on operating tables with only their heads and asses exposed.
Phillip
What's happening here, Terrance?
Terrance
We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
Phillip
Who's the donor?
Terrance
I am, Phillip. I am.
Phillip
Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?
Terrance
Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.
Someone is knocking on Chef's door.
Chef
Oh, damn it, not now!
Chef goes to answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait.
Chef
Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
Kyle
Chef, we wanna know about herpes.
Chef
What makes you think I would know anything about that?
Kyle
Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.
Stan
How does someone get herpes?
Chef
Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.
Kyle
Do you know anybody with herpes?
Chef
Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.
Stan
But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
Chef
Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.
Kyle
Cool! Thanks, Chef!
Chef
O-kay!
He closes the door and goes back to his armchair. The boys leave.
Chef
Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.
Sharon
Stanley?
Randy
Stan?
Sharon
[Softly.] Oh, Stanley, where are you..?
Randy
Stan?
Sharon
Stanley!
The car makes a right two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette.
Kyle
Are you old Frida?
Frida
[Raspily.] Who wants to know?
Kyle
Someone who wants a favor.
Frida
Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-- [Snorts.]
Kyle
[To Stan, throws his hands up.] Huh?
Cartman
We want you to give our parents herpes.
Frida
[Puffs out.] Five dollars.
Stan
My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [Coughs.]
Kyle
Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital.
Stan
And have Shelly kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do.
The Monkee's "I'm a Believer" plays. The boys hire Frida, and take her to each of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then Stan gives a thumbs up in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar. Next stop, Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop, Cartman's house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay her and she leaves.
tan
Thanks a lot, Frida!
Frida
[Hacks.] Don't mention it.
She hacks again, pockets the money, and walks away.
Kyle
D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!
Boys
Hooray!
Stan coughs and the adults burst into the room. Fear strikes the boys.
Randy
Stanley, where the hell have you been?
Sharon
Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!
Stan
[Hiding behind Kyle.] I don't wanna go back there.
Randy
[Coming for him.] Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital.
Randy drags him off.
Stan
Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
Randy
What?
Stan
You know, freshen up your breath.
Kyle
Aw, man. [Tottering, eyes half shut.] I don't feel so good.
Sheila
[Pleased.] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken--
Kyle
Ugh...
Kyle falls back, passing out.
Sheila
Kyle!!
Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery.
Dr. Doctor
Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all.
Kyle
We're sorry.
Dr. Doctor
Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.
Kyle
This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman.
Cartman
Hell no, you guys get your own!
The parents enter, they all have herpes sores on their faces, well except Liane for some reason...
Sharon
Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
Stan
Pretty good.
Sharon
[Cheerfully.] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
Randy
Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
Stan
Wow, coo-hul!
Sheila
And how are you, Kyle?
Gerald
Are you doing okay?
Kyle
I'm better now.
He and Stan start laughing.
Sharon
What's so funny, you two?
Kyle
We gave you guys herpes.
Sheila
What-what-whaaat?! You did this?!
Stan
We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
Randy
I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
Sharon
[To Randy.] Well, I guess it serves us right. [To the boys.] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chickenpox.
Sheila
It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.
Liane walks over to Cartman.
Cartman
Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
Liane
Ooh, I have them somewhere else, poopiekins.
Cartman
Hooray!
Gerald
And, uh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
Stuart
Aww hell, I'm sorry, too.
Terrance and Phillip is on. The anal transplant surgery was a success.
Terrance
Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better.
He farts high and laughs.
Cartman
Well, I know one thing for sure.
Liane
What's that, Eric?
Cartman
We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
All the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing.
Stan
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chickenpox. "I'm A Believer" plays.
End of Chickenpox


  210: "Chickenpox" edit
Story Elements

Gerald BroflovskiStuart McCormickFridaHells Pass Hospital • "In the Ghetto" • "I'm a Believer"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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