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Chef Goes Nanners/Script

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The official script for "Chef Goes Nanners" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Craig Tucker
  • Chef
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Butters Stotch
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Ned Gerblansky
  • Randy Marsh
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Mr. Wyland
  • Channel 4 Field Reporter
  • The KKK and their leader
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Officer Barbrady
  • A Monk

Script

[The Mayor's office, day. The mayor is at her desk, flanked by her assistants. Before her are Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts]
Mayor: Gentlemen, I understand you are here to present both sides of an issue. I wanna hear you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the time and attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't you begin?
Jimbo: Mayor, it's about the South Park flag.
Mayor: [instantly exasperated] Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again!
Jimbo: We cannot change the South Park flag, Mayor!
Chef: Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be racist and insensitive!
Jimbo: Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to understand that this has been the South Park flag since some of our ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!
Chef: That flag represents a time when blacks were persecuted by whites! How can a black man not be bothered by it?!
Mayor: Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants hold up the flag. [the one with the bang goes to get it] and you tell me what exactly you find racist about it. [the assistant returns and gives one end to Johnson. They unfurl the flag between them. The flag shows a black figure dangling from a hangman's noose, and two white figures on either side of him rejoicing. "South Park" is written underneath]
Chef: You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!
Jimbo: Chef, what about the baseball team, the Cleveland Indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist?
Chef: Yeah!
Jimbo: No, because it's their history!
Chef: Look, I have gone to every quiet protest I could! I have written everyone; I've put up signs! But now I'm telling you [points to the mayor and emphasizes], THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!
Jimbo: And I'm telling you it WON'T!
Mayor: [rolls her eyes] Oh, boy.
[South Park Elementary, day. The class bell rings and the kids are in their seats. Timmy is now shown with the class.]
Mr. Wyland: Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues. Some people think the South Park flag should be changed, while others believe that changing the flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect subject for your debate club.
Class: [Timmy stays quiet] Aaaaah!
Mr. Wyland: I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year. [points to a chart with three debates on it] Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, a-and People Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been… Cartman.
Cartman: Thaaat's ri-ight.
Kyle: Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and goes home so we can't debate anymore!
Class: [including Timmy] Yeah.
Cartman: Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than you guys!
Stan: You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!
Cartman: Yes I do!
Craig: No you don't!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm going home! [rises from his seat, heads for the door, and exits]
Kyle: Told ya.
Mr. Wyland: Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want you all to go out and research this debate before we pick teams. Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this poignant debate you are on. [the class stares back blankly]
[Jimbo and Ned's lodge, after school. They're sitting on the front porch.]
Jimbo: This is about history, kids. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and two others are present] If you don't have respect for your past, then you can never expect to- BIRD! [he and Ned each take a shot at it, and it tumbles away, falling dead into a large pile of dead birds on the road behind the boys] -then you can never expect to have a future. Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags because they're not [does quotes with his left index and middle finger] "politically correct." Well, where does it end? I mean, people are gonna start sayin' that the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses. And then we'll have to- a SQUIRREL! [He and Ned take shots at it, and it falls dead from its branch] And then we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon all our history will be forgotten. But to REALLY understand the South Park's flag's importance, you need to know about South Park's history. Ned here's a big history buff, and he can tell you the whole story. Ned?
Ned: Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from the East Coast traveled across the Plains-
Stan: Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think we got it.
Kyle: Yeah, we got it.
Jimbo: You sure?
Stan, Kyle: Yup.
Jimbo: You boys go make me proud now and win that debate- Chris Peterson! [he and Ned fire away, and Chris yells and dodges the bullets, then runs off] God-damnit, we missed him again!
[South Park Supermarket, after school. Chef is at the entrance with a petition in his hands. With him are Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, and Butters. Some folks head for the store…]
Chef: Sign up to join me, and come marching to the Mayor's office in protest of the South Park flag! [the shoppers brush on by and enter the store, and the doors close] You see that, children?! Nobody wants to get involved! [the doors open and Randy Marsh walks out with a bag of groceries. Chef notices] Randy! Sign up to march with me against the South Park flag on Wednesday?
Randy: Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m not a racist, but uh, I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the flag.
Chef: Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled to your own opinion. [Randy walks away and Chef looks at the kids] That's how it is in this town. I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and I've been here all day!
Wendy: We'll march with you, Chef.
Chef: That's nice, but I need the support of some registered voters. [Mr. Mackey walks out with some groceries. Chef stops him] Ey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?
Mr. Mackey: Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I could do somthin' uh, Thursday afternoon.
Chef: Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go Thursday?
Principal Victoria: [arrives] Thursday's no good, we've got choir council.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, yeah.
Principal Victoria: What about next Sunday?
Chef: Fine! Next Sunday!
Man 1: You mean, during the ball game?
Man 2: Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday.
Chef: Monday??
Principal Victoria: Oh, I can't do Monday.
Man 3: [arrives] I could do Tuesday.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.
Man 1: You know what would be better for me is Saturday afternoon.
Man 2: Saturday is perfect for me.
Principal Victoria: Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
Man 3: Mm hmm.
Man 2, Woman 2: Yeah.
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 3: That sounds good.
Man 2: Mm hmm.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I think that's the best day.
Chef: Okay! On Saturday, we march!
Man 2: Oh, march? What are we marching for?
Chef: To bring down the South Park Flag!
Man 2: …Oh. [the adults begin to disperse]
Man 3: Oohh, I gotta go.
Man 1: I know what I may like. I don't like marching
Woman 2: Uh, marching's really not for me.
Man 2: See you later.
[South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Wyland's class. He's at the chalkboard tallying up the votes. There are eight votes on each side of the board: eight on the left for "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE," eight on the right for "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME"]
Mr. Wyland: Well I've counted up all your secret ballots, children, and it look like about half of you think the flag should stay, and half think the flag should be changed.
Wendy: How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is?!
Mr. Wyland: Save it for the debate, Wendy. Now I'm going to assign the debate leaders. Who wants to lead the "Flag Should Stay The Way It Is" team?
Stan, Kyle: Me. Me. Me. Me.
Wendy: [upset] Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!
Stan: Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong with that flag.
Kyle: Yeah, me neither.
Mr. Wyland: Alright. Stan and Kyle, [turns and writes on the board] you can both be the team leaders for the "Flag should stay the way it is" team. [turns around. Their names are there now] Now, who wants to lead the "Flag should be changed" team? [an angry Wendy raises her hand. Cartman looks over at her, then raises his hand and chuckles] Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up. [writes their names on the board]
Wendy: [mortified] Nooo! [Cartman chuckles some more]
Mr. Wyland: Alright, children. Do your homework, and let's get ready for a great debate!
[South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Kids enjoy their meals. Craig enters the kitchen, followed by Stan, Kyle, Butters, and someone else]
Stan, Kyle: Hello, Chef.
Chef: [in a foul mood] My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I've converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam??
Chef: From now on, my name is [points to his apron] Abdul Mohammed Jabar [points to the rest of his name on a sign held by an Arab assistant] Rauf Kareem Ali. [proceeds with preparing the trays] With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name!
Stan: Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
Chef: You WHAT?! [plants his fists on the counter while the assistant struggles to keep his half of the name sign in line with Chef's apron] You don't think they should change the flag?!
Kyle: Not really.
Stan: Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
Chef: [moves to his right and sets the ladle and a pot down] Well, that figures you don't! Because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!
Stan: But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about.
Chef: But nothin'! [picks up the ladle and throws it down] "But" my ass! Fix your own damn food! [hurries out, and his assistant quickly follows. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused]
[South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has assembled her team and leads them through preliminary items. In her team are Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kevin, and three others. Cartman is not there yet.]
Wendy: Okay. Now, in order for us the debate to change the South Park flag, we will need to do a lot of research. Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams. We will present our arguments based on things that w-
Cartman: [enters] It's okay, I'm here.
Wendy: [glares at him for a few seconds] Nice of you to show up! We were just discussing how we should state our case.
Cartman: [begins pacing] Yes. This is a difficult case. In order to win the debate, we will need to attack Stan and Kyle's credibility.
Wendy: [stunned] What??
Cartman: That's how you win these things: attack your opponents' credibility! [starts barking orders] Butters! Take some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' booby magazines, whatever.
Butters: Wwuhuh-o-kay! [hops off his chair. Wendy watches him leave]
Cartman: The rest of you, go get the goods on Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a puppy.
Clyde: Right. [the others disperse, leaving Wendy and Cartman facing each other at the round table.]
Cartman: [takes out some Cheesy Poofs] Mmmm.
Wendy: [walks up to him] Cartman, we can't just attack Stan and Kyle's credibility. We need to present our side of the debate.
Cartman: You're right. We'll need to look like we prepared a case, too, so that they look all the weaker. Good plan. Sooo, what's the issue again?
Wendy: The South Park flag!
Cartman: Interesting. Aaand, what side are we on?
Wendy: D'aaaaahhh!
Cartman: Whoa! Calm down, ho. [eats some poofs]
[South Park City Hall, day. A Channel 4 field reporter is on scene. Chef is in the background dressed in a daishiki facing the Hall, with his fist up. Two groups of people are there, one on either side of him. The mayor and her assistants look out over the scene from her office]
Reporter: ["NEWS 4 LIVE!"] Tom, I'm standing out front of the South Park Mayor's Office, where both sides of this debate have gathered.
Chef: Change the flag!
Jimbo: Don't change history!
Mayor: Oh brother, what now?!
Chef: [background, as the reporter speaks] Change the flag! Change the flag!…
Reporter: Earlier, the South Park townspeople voiced their opinion.
Man 4: [angry] Well, I think the flag is racist! [turns pensive] Huh, but then again, it is part of our history.
Man 5: Well, I guess the flag is part of history, …but I can see how it is racist.
Man 6: [flatly, slowly] I think it is history. I think it is racist.
Reporter: Well, one things for sure, tensions are high and pressure is mounting on the South Park Mayor to do something.
Chef: [background, as the reporter speaks] …Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! [the mayor simply looks down] In the 1960s there was a monk [shows a photo of Thích Quảng Đức in flames] who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no choice! [lowers the photo] To protest your lack of humanity, I will now do the same thing! [raises a portable gas tank and a lighter, then pours the gasoline on a Tibetan monk and sets him on fire]
Monk: [in flames] Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah! [dies]
The KKK: [arriving] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Reporter: [stunned, then speaks] What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks as if the KKK have shown up to express their opinion.
KKK Leader: [walks up to Jimbo and extends his hand.] Hello, brother. [Jimbo and his group turns to see the Klan] We are here to support your noble cause.
Jimbo: Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your support. We're not racists; this is about history.
Ned: Yeah.
KKK Leader: Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side! [he and the rest of the KKK face right and march away]
The KKK: White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and the others watch them leave] White Power! White Power! [they take up positions in front of City Hall, facing Chef. A familiar figure is chanting with them] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Sheila: [arrives] Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?
Mr. Garrison: NO, no, [steps out] but Mr. Hat is. [points to the puppet, which is dressed in a Klan robe and bends down a few times as if to say "hello"]
Mr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] White Power! White Power!
Mr. Garrison: Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat.
The KKK: White Power!
Chef: Change the flag!
Jimbo: Don't change history!
Mayor: Ooh, Jesus. What a mess.
[South Park City Hall, Mayor's office, later.]
Mayor: Chef, we realize that you find the South Park flag racist, and we certainly understand your case. [shot of an angry Chef] We have been diligently working on this problem, put in a lot of hours, and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make you very happy. Gentlemen? [her assistants lift up a flag and carry it to a clear area, then unfurl it for Chef to see] There. Is that better? [It looks the same…]
Chef: No, damnit!
Mayor: [points to the black figure] No, but look! He's got a little smile now! [a close-up reveals closed eyes and a smile] See? He's happy. Much better, don't you think? [Chef just rises and walks out. The mayor lumps in her chair] Well, some people just won't work with you at all. This is getting out of hand. How do I absolve myself of an responsibility with this?
Johnson: Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary children are discussing the flag issue in their debate club on Friday.
Assistant: We… could use the debate as an excuse to hold a vote on the issue.
Mayor: Yes, of course. Let the children be responsible. Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!
[South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has three stacks of books to pore over, Cartman is playing with his toys]
Wendy: This might come in handy. It says here that recently a case was brought before the South Carolina Court about their flag, and they-
Cartman: I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock Captain Candycone![as Bog Monster] O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the nuts?!
Wendy: If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina case-
Cartman: [as Captain Candycone] Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in the nuts![as Bog Monster] Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts![as Captain Candycone] I'll kick you in the nuts!
Wendy: Cartman, why don't you just go home?! You aren't helping any!
Cartman: You won't let me help.
Wendy: That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!
Cartman: [thinks a moment…] …Touché. But dude, you might as well let me help you. We're in this together. I mean, just… tell me what to do, and I'll do it. [Wendy remains mad at him. He does Bog Monster] Wendih, let Cartman help. Seriouslih. [she averts her gaze, then breaks into a smile] Wendih. Seriouslih. [she chuckles] The Bog Monster speaketh.
[South Park, the offices of Brovlofski and Jackson, Attorneys At Law. Kyle and Stan have assembled their team there. Kenny, Craig and Tweek are there with two others.]
Kyle: Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any of his books we want. [Kenny chows down tablets from a blue bowl before him] Who wants to read them? [no one responds]
Stan: Come on, you guys. We all have to work on this!
Kyle: Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat? Jesus!
Kenny: (Plenty. This is 'cause my family's poor.)
Kyle: I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner.
Kenny: (Ah, fuck you!) [gives him the finger]
Stan: I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other side.
Kyle: Dude, you're just saying that because she's your girlfriend.
Kenny: [burps] (Hey, can I have a drink of water?)
Kyle: Yeah, you can have a drink of water. The dispenser's over there. [Kenny hops off and walks to the dispenser]
Stan: Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 60 mints. [Mr. Broflovski enters]
Gerald: [stops behind Kenny's chair] Hey, boys, how's the research coming?
Kyle: Pretty good, I guess.
Stan: Do you think they should change the flag?
Gerald: Oh, uuhh. I don't know. [picks up the empty bowl]
Kyle: Kenny ate all the mints, dad.
Gerald: Oh, those weren't mints, those were antacid tablets.
Kyle: Oh.
Stan, Kyle: Kenny! [Mr. Broflovski looks in anticipation]
Kenny: [drinks the water, then looks at them] (What?) [the tablets start to fizz] (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!) [as his voice rises, his body balloons and foam comes out of all possible orifices. Then he bursts and parts of him fall all over. Some antacid squirts out of somewhere. At the table, body parts and antacid cover some books, parts of the table, and on parts of everyone left. The other students and Mr. Broflovski laugh. Stan and Kyle clap somewhat]
Stan: That was a good one.
[South Park City Hall. The KKK is still rallying. Mr. Hat keeps Mr. Garrison in place]
The KKK: White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader: Do not change the flag! It is a symbol of white power!
The KKK: White Power!
Mr. Garrison: [now next to the leader] Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
Mr. Garrison: [shocked] Dugh! [covers his mouth. Chef looks at him an angry disbelief] Ogh. Waaaaah! [runs away]
Chef: [approaches one group] How can you all just stand by and let these racists do this?!
Officer Barbrady: Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for talking.
Reporter: Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the Capitol? Here's what some people think.
Man 7: Well, I think they are racist, but I… do think freedom of speech is important.
Man 8: Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech. …Mmm but then again, I think they are racist.
Man 9: Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe that all-
Chef: [shoves the man out of the way] Aw, the hell with all of you indecisive bastards!
Reporter: On Friday, South Park Elementary will present its debate, and after the debate, there will finally be a vote. Preliminary polls show three in favor of changing the flag, three against changing the flag, and 4382 undecided. [Results show on screen in text beside him]Z So the pressure in on those South Park kids!
KKK Leader: Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members. Let's take a hot shower!
The KKK: Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! [they march away]
Jimbo: [to Ned] Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's the side those KKK members are on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to them.
[South Park Elementary, school library, night. Wendy and Cartman are both laboring over books. Between them is a tray of Oreo cookies.]
Wendy: I can't believe it. All the pressure's on us. I mean, this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote.
Cartman: [aloof] Uh huh.
Wendy: Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the history argument.
Cartman: Why don't we just talk about the swastika?
Wendy: Huh?
Cartman: I mean, Germany was united under the swastika, right? But,… obviously history wasn't as important as changing the views after the war and stuff, so hey changed it.
Wendy: [mulls over the argument] Hey, that's a pretty good point, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah.
Wendy: Not bad at all. I may make that our first argument. [takes a cookie]
Cartman: Cool.
Wendy: Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite. [starts eating]
Cartman: Really? Mine too. What I really like to do, is I like to take the tops off of two cookies, and then put them together and make "quadruple stuffs."
Wendy: Hey, that's what I always do, too!
Cartman: No way!
Wendy: Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have anything in common with you, Cartman.
Cartman: Me neither. [Romantic music starts to play]
Wendy: Aha ha.
Cartman: Huh.
Wendy, Cartman: Well, anyway, let's get back to work. [two kids speak in unison]
Cartman: Whoa.
Wendy: Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag. [reaches for a cookie] We can show that the- [Cartman's hand rests on hers. Their eyes meet and the music crescendos]
Cartman: [withdraws his hand] Ur, s-sorry. [shoves the plate to her a bit] Go ahead.
Wendy: No. [shoves the plate back, Music fades.] You go ahead.
[South Park transition music. Mr. Garrison's house, night. The living room. Mr. Garrison enters]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] There's another Klan rally tonight; I have to be there in 15 minutes.
Mr. Garrison: Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging to another Klan meeting.
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] But they're electing a new assistant to the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.
Mr. Garrison: Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll have nothin' to do with it!
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] I'm going whether you like it or not!
Mr. Garrison: Oh yeah?! [sits in his armchair and waits] I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and that's final! [looks away] Let's just see you try and go without me! [looks back again, and his right hand is bare] Mi-Mr. Hat?
[South Park, the woods. The KKK rallies around a burning cross.]
The KKK: White Power! White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and Ned rise up out of the brush and look at the rally] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Jimbo: [softly, during the rally] Alright, Ned. We've got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with.
Ned: Mmm-okay.
Jimbo: Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned: No.
The KKK: White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader: [walks in and stands in front of the burning cross, raising his arms to quiet the group] Good evening, brothers. Our first order of business tonight is to have Brother Anderson update us on last week's minutes.
Brother Anderson: Last week we decided we hate blacks and Jews. A lot!
KKK Leader: Alright. And now it's time for us all to come together, and… do our cake raffle.
KKK Members: [ad lib] Oh, cake raffle. [Jimbo and Ned look at each other]
KKK Leader: This week's winner is… [reads the ticket] uh, 2 9 7 4.
Ticket 2974 Holder: [jumps for joy] I won, I won. [moves forward] I won the cake! [takes it and returns to his place]
KKK Leader: God job, brother. [smattering of applause. Jimbo and Ned look on.]
[Happy music plays. A green and flowering meadow under a brilliant orange dawn. A happy Wendy walks in and grabs some flowers, then sniffs them deeply. She then looks behind her to find Cartman sitting on a white steed under a bright yellow sun. Romantic music swells. The steed neighs]
Wendy: [turns and runs to him] Cartman! [Cartman gets off the steed and runs to Wendy, his hair billowing in the wind]
Cartman: Ahh! [they run into each other's arms and tumble down, laughing all the while. At the bottom, Wendy's on her back and Cartman is on top of her]
Wendy: Say it'll be like this forever.
Cartman: Okay, It will be like this forever.
Wendy: Oh, Cartman! [Cartman looks at her, his hair billowing in the wind]
[Wendy's room, night. She rises in bed with a start. That scene in the meadow was a dream]
Wendy: AAAAAAaaaah! [pants heavily, then dunks her head in the fish bowl on the little desk next to her bed.] Brrrrr. What's wrong with me? [hops down and heads for the bathroom, flips the lights on, goes to the sink, hops on a stool, and checks out her tongue and eyes, while Russel Crowe poster behind her stares on] Ahhh. It's okay. Get a grip, girl. [hops down and heads for the switch. She's about to turn off the lights when a voice stops her]
Cartman's voice: Wendih. [she looks at the Russell Crowe poster next to the switch] Wendih. [Rusell's face stretches into one of Cartman]
Wendy: [shocked at the hallucination] Aaaah!
Cartman's voice: [the face reverts to Russell's as the voice fades] Wendih, look at me.
Wendy: [turns around, looks up, then sits down with her face in her hands] Oh God, please don't let this be happening.
[South Park, the woods, deep in the night.]
KKK Leader: Alright brothers, listen up! [two more members looking suspiciously familiar show up, and the leader starts to pace back and forth] As you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or not to change their flag. But lynching minorities is history! So what are we gonna do about it?!
Member 1: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the Capitol!
KKK Members: Yeah!
Member 2: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town!
KKK Members: Yeah!
Jimbo: [in KKK disguise] Let's say they should change the flag!
KKK Members: Yeah! [turn to see the new member] Wah?
KKK Leader: Uh what's that, brother?
Jimbo: I think we should switch sides!
Ned: Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.
Jimbo: Look, we have to accept the fact that most people in the world hate us, right?
KKK Members: [rolling reaction] Yeah, m-hm.
Jimbo: So, whatever side we're on is the side that's gonna lose, right?
KKK Members: [rolling reaction] Right, yeah.
Jimbo: So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed. That way, most folks'll vote to keep it the way it is.
KKK Leader: That's a great idea, brother!
KKK Members: [jubilant, jumping] Yeah!
KKK Leader: Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell everyone that we want the flag changed, so that they will all vote against us!
KKK Members: [ad lib] Hooray, yeah! [the two new members leave]
A Member: We're smart! [the two members head into the brush]
Jimbo: [both members take off their hoods] That worked perfectly, Ned.
KKK Leader: Well alright, now that that's out of the way, it is time to play, "Whose got the silliest thing on under their robe?"
KKK Members: [ad lib] Yeah, woohoo! [a member walks up to an organ and sits. He begins to play "If You're Happy And You Know It…" The rest form two lines and clap.]
[The contest. The first member walks down the middle and shows off his boxers with a heart design. The second comes in and shows off his lederhosen. The third comes in and shows off bikini briefs and garters. The fourth comes in and shows off a yellow bird costume.]
Jimbo: [Watching from the bushes with their hoods now off]Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely nuts.
Ned: Mm-yup.
[the fifth member comes in and shows off his hand-walking skills, and the sixth one shows off his penis… Jimbo and Ned walk away from the scene]
Jimbo: [stops] That is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I can't believe those people are on our side. I mean, is our side that crazy? [some headlights pass over them and they shield their eyes. A station wagon rolls up with Chef behind the wheel. Jimbo waves hello.] Oh, hello, Chef. Big debate tomorrow, I guess. [Chef glowers at them for a few seconds. Dramatic music plays.] Oh, Jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like. You've gotta listen to us!
Chef: I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This whole cracker-ass town can kiss my ass! [peels off. Mud flies behind the Town & Country and splatters Jimbo and Ned]
Jimbo: Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe history ain't worth defendin' sometimes.
[Scene-change music. Wendy's house, morning, before school. Living room]
Wendy: [leads Bebe in] Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have something to tell you.
Bebe: Sure, what?
Wendy: Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.
Bebe: [shrieks and covers her ears] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Wendy: [ashamed] I know.
Bebe: Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone this?
Wendy: Because I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then I can't win the debate tomorrow. The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job-
Bebe: Alright, look. When two people work closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's called, "sexual tension." Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over with.
Wendy: You mean, I should kiss him? [looks away embarrassed]
Bebe: Kiss him and get it out of your system.
Wendy: [dreading] Oh God.
[South Park Elementary, the gym. Mr. Wyland is shown behind a podium, and the South Park flag hangs from some rafters behind him. Two tables are set up, one for each side of the debate. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME" table are Stan, Kyle, and two other boys. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE" table are Wendy, Cartman, Token, and Butters.]
Mr. Wyland: Well I certainly would like to thank all the parents for their support of our debate club. [the bleachers are shown. The mayor, Chef, Jimbo and Ned, and others are present] I r-realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, so, perhaps the children can shed some light on us. We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the "Flag Should Be Changed" team. [Wendy hops off her seat, then looks at Cartman and strokes her chin, then steps up to look at the audience. She looks again at Cartman. He's been watching her all the while, wondering where this is all headed]
Wendy: [Piano music implying a pending dramatic moment approaches. Wendy looks at the audience] The- [looks at Cartman] the- uh, [clears her throat] aheh ahum, [looks at Cartman] the… the- uh, [closes her eyes and pushes her hands out as if to push away the feelings swirling within] Ahhhhh, [exhales softly, then sighs] The first argument we- [her eyes snap back to Cartman, who's still watching her. Stan and Kyle watch as well] ah… [resets] Let me start over. [looks at Stan] The uh- [loses her rudder] oh God. Could you all excuse me for a moment? [steps down and kisses a surprised Cartman full on the lips while she makes high pitched, humming sounds] Mmmmmummmmeeemmeeemeeemmee...
People in Audience: [ad lib] Oh. [Stan's jaw drops]
Really Shocked Man: [off camera] Oh, God! [Butters' and Token's jaws drop. So does Chef's. Wendy finally releases the pucker, sighs in happy relief, and goes back to the podium]
Wendy: [confident now] There. Now, the main point we would like to make is oftentimes it is prudent to change history. As times change we hope to grow, and as we grow our rules must change. It is a natural part of evolution. Thank you. [steps down as people clap. Stan is still in shock that Wendy kissed Cartman. She sits down, Cartman looks at her, then places his hands behind his head in a supreme air of confidence and looks away]
Mr. Wyland: Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your main point? [Kyle moves to the podium while Stan remains stunned]
Kyle: Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been around since the beginning of time. All animals kill. [an astonished Stan looks as Cartman puts his right hand on the back of Wendy's chair and points at her with his left, winks, then does a victory hand dance. A smiling Wendy remains oblivious to this showing off] And the animals that don't kill are stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff. So people should not be so upset about killing. [returns to his seat amid a smattering of applause]
Chef: [stands up] Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the point entirely!
Kyle: Huh?
Chef: I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody gettin' killed, It's because it's racist!
Kyle's Team: [minus Stan who's mouth is still hanging open as he stares at Wendy] Racist??
Chef: Children, don't you even know what this argument is about?! That flag is racist because a black man is being hung by white people.
Kyle's Team: [minus Stan still shocked] Ooooooohhh.
Chef: Ooooooohhh?!
Kyle: W-we really didn't see it that way.
Chef: But that's a black man up there!
Kyle: Y-yeah, but… the color of someone's skin doesn't matter.
Chef: Well of course it matters when- [catches himself] …Oh my God. Wait a minute. You children didn't even see the flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?
Kyle's Team: [except stunned Stan] No.
Chef: [deducing, marveling] Why, that is- that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
Mayor: What?
Mr. Wyland: What?
Chef: Don't you see? All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people.
A Few People: Awww.
Some KKK members: Awww.
Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman is still showing off, Wendy remains oblivious, Stan remains shocked]
Chef: I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about you. But I still the flag needs to be changed. But now I realize that I almost let racism turn me into a racist.
Jimbo: Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found myself on the side of Klan members. I've never had anything against blacks, Chef.
Chef: Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known you for almost ten years. You're a good man.
Jimbo: We've been way too divisive over this, Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise flag—something that everybody can be happy with.
Chef: I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to separate myself from all you wonderful crackers.
Audience Members: [relieved, ad lib] Ooh, huhuh. Oooh [Stan's astonished gaze was fixed on Cartman and Wendy all that time while Cartman continued his happy hand dance.]
Kyle: Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have to do this stupid debate now. [waves his hand in front of Stan to get his attention] Stan?
[South Park City Hall, day. The Mayor has called a town meeting at City Hall and now stands at her podium with the town gathered before her. Something hangs above her covered by a brown curtain]
Mayor: This has been an interesting week in South Park. We've all done a lot of growing this week. [shot of the crowd, some of them smiling] Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue. But now we have learned once again that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we are all just people. And so, I am very excited to unveil our new South Park Flag! [The curtain falls away to reveal the same flag, only with the five people, including the hanged man, holding hands. The crowd cheers. From left to right: a white man, a yellow man, the hanged black man, a red man, and another black man]
Stan: [recovered, looks at the flag] Wait, I don't get it.
Kyle: No, see? There's people of all colors. And they added a black guy as one of the hangers, too, so it's not racist.
Chef: Hooray!
Jimbo: I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.
Wendy: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. [the applause begins to die down]
Cartman: Me, too!
Wendy: [applause stops, background music plays] I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody. As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished.
Cartman: [fronting] Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh.
Wendy: I'm totally back to normal. See you later. [the crowd disperses behind her as she pats Cartman's shoulder]
Cartman: Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho, [finger points at her] huhuh, he, haha.
Wendy: Hahaha. [looks off to her right] Stan. Stan, wait up! [hurries away to catch up to him. Cartman looks at her, then away, then at her long, then away, than at her quick one last time, then looks down and sighs. He turns to his left and walks away, dejected]
[End of Chef Goes Nanners.]



  408: "Chef Goes Nanners" edit
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Release

South Park: The Complete Fourth Season

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