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The official script for "Chef Aid" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Twig
  • Chef
  • Mr. Big Record Producer
  • Alanis Morissette
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Judge Moses
  • Johnnie Cochran
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Reporter
  • Elton John
  • Meat Loaf
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • Rick James
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Mr. Hat
  • Teen MC
  • Rancid
  • Primus
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Joe Strummer
  • Ozzy Ozbourne
  • Ween

Script

Chef Aid
South Park Elementary Cafeteria. While the boys wait in line for their lunches.
Cartman
[Singing.]

Stinky britches,
you got stinky britches
Stinky, stinky britches,
you got stinky--

Kyle
What the hell are you singing, Cartman?
Cartman
This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can’t get it out of my head.

Stinky britches,
you got stinky britches

Mr. Garrison
[Passes by.] Hello, children. Ready for lunch?
Cartman

Stinky britches,
you got stinky,
stinky--

Mr. Garrison
Eric, is there a problem?
Cartman
Yeah, I can’t get this stupid song out of my head.
Mr. Garrison
"Stinky Britches" by Alanis Morissette?
Cartman
Yeah.

Stinky,
stinky britches

Mr. Garrison
Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig
Hi, boys. How are you?
Kyle
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison
[Pause.] I told you never say his name in my presence.
Stan
But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Kid
Yeah.
Cartman
[Quietly to himself.]

Stinky britches,
you got stinky--

Mr. Garrison
It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now--
Kyle
He'd be better used as a coat rack.
Students begin laughing at a dismayed, offended Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
[Livid.] How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison walks off as the boys enter the kitchen.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Cartman

You got stinky britches,
stinky--

Chef
What did you say?
Kyle
He singing some new hit song.
Chef
Eric, where did you hear that song?
Cartman
It’s all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.
Chef
[Softly.] Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
Stan
What, dude?
Chef
Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago.
Cartman
You wrote it?
Chef
Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.
Kyle
Wow, then you should get money for it!
Chef
Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all.
Kyle
Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.
Chef
Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I’ll play them my version of the song.
Capitalist Records, California. Chef is playing his song for the record producer.
Chef (recording)

Stinky britches,
you got those stinky britches.

Chef
So you see, Mr. Big Record Producer, "Stinky Britches" was something I wrote several years ago.
Mr. Big Record Producer
Hmm… I really so no resemblance between that song and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.
Chef
Huh?
Kyle
It’s the same goddamn song!
Chef
Now, look, I’m trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!
Mr. Big Record Producer
I am above the law!
His hair falls forward, and he quickly puts it back into place with Spooge hair gel.
Mr. Big Record Producer
Mr. Chef, I’m afraid you leave me no alternative. We’re going to sue you.
Chef
Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you’re gonna sue me?
Mr. Big Record Producer
Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We’ll have the best in the business.
Kyle
We’ll get my dad to be Chef’s lawyer!
Cartman
Yeah, and he’s Jewish.
Mr. Garrison's house, Garrison is watching Alanis Morissette's Stinky Britches music video.
Alanis Morissette

Stinky,
stinky britches,
stinky britches

A clattering noise is heard.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Twig, is that you?
Mr. Garrison turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen.
Mr. Garrison
Mis-Mr. Twig?
He sees a pot of boiling water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating around, charred.
Mr. Garrison
Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No!
He throws the pot to the floor.
Mr. Garrison
Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
Courthouse, Gerald Broflovski is representing the defense, Chef.
Gerald
Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We’re gonna bring these bastards down.
Chef
Right.
Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses
This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?
Gerald
I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski.
Judge Moses
And representing the prosecution?
Prosecutor
I am, Your Honor.
The Prosecutor is none other that Johnnie Cochran, the spectators gasp at this turn of events.
Gerald
Uh-oh.
Chef
Why "uh-oh"?
Gerald
Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O.J. off.
Chef
Uh-oh.
Meanwhile at Hell's Pass Hospital, Mr. Garrison bursts through the doors of the ER holding Mr. Twig in a blanket.
Mr. Garrison
I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns!
Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush over. The patient sits up and looks.
Dr. Doctor
Give the child to me.
Dr. Doctor takes the bundle and unfurls the blanket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison
[Panicked.] Is he going to be all right, doctor?
Dr. Doctor
Uhhh...
Mr. Garrison
Is he going to live?
Dr. Doctor
[Slowly.] It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison
...Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!
Over at Cartman's house, the boys are watching the trial on television.
Reporter
And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the...day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous "Chewbacca defense"?
Cartman
What's a "Chewbacca defense"?
Kyle
I don't know.
Stan
That's what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
Cartman
Goddamn, I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, "Hey! You stupid son of a bitch! You-- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"
Kyle
I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.
In the courtroom.
Gerald
...And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.
One person claps. Gerald goes back to his table.
Gerald
[To Chef] We've got 'em.
Chef grins and gives him a thumbs-up. Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses
Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments.
Johnnie Cochran
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago, and they make a good case... hell, I almost felt pity myself. But, ladies and gentlemen, of this supposed jury, I have one, final thing I want you to consider.
Johnnie Cochran walks to a display stand and pulls down the screen.
Johnnie Cochran
Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.
Gerald
Dammit..!
Chef
What?
Gerald
He’s using the Chewbacca defense.
Johnnie Cochran
Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with this case?" Nothing.
Gerald buries his head in his hands, defeated.
Johnnie Cochran
Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Judge Moses
[After a long pause.] O-kay, then.
Back at Cartman's house where the boys are watching.
Cartman
Wow, he’s good.
Reporter
In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.
Courtroom sketches show an angry Chef staring at Gerald, Judge Moses holding his gavel, and Cochran in clown-like attire pointing left.
Reporter
Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide.
Back in the courtroom.
Judge Moses
How find you the jury?
Foreman
We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy... guilty as charged.
The spectators gasp again.
Gerald
Whoops.
Chef
Whoops?!
Judge Moses
Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within 24 hours.
Chef
Do I look like I have two million?
Judge Moses
Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years.
Chef is shocked. The bailiff whispers into the Judge's ear.
Bailiff
Uh, it's actually for four years.
Judge Moses
Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years.
Chef
This can't be happening..!
Cartman's house. All four boys are shocked at the verdict.
Stan
Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
Chef's residence. Everything is being repossessed. Chef is leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr. Big Record Producer enters.
Mr. Big Record Producer
And that chair, too. I want that chair.
Chef
Hey, that's my favorite chair!
Mr. Big Record Producer
You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too.
Stan
Hello there, Chef.
Chef
Hey, children.
Kyle
What's going on?
Chef
Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with two million, I'm going to jail.
Stan
Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.
Kyle
Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
Cartman
Ready.
Cartman removes his jacket and steps forward, in lederhosen. Oompa music plays.
Cartman

I will do the German dance for you
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope my will enjoy my dance
Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay
Would you like some sauerkraut,
German boy,
German boy?
Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut--

Chef
Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better.
Stan
You do?
Chef
Sure. Just please stop.
Cartman
[Putting his coat back on.] See? I told you guys it would work.
Kyle
What's that, dude?
Chef
This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.
Kyle
Did you ever know any famous people?
Chef
Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.
One photograph shows Chef laying shirtless on a bed of hay in a lucrative position, with a goat standing next to him. The caption under it reads, "Germany".
Cartman
What's that?
Chef
Nothing.
Chef quickly turns the page.
Chef
Anyway--
Mr. Big Record Producer
Take this, too.
Mr. Big Record Producer takes Chef's photo album.
Chef
Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!
Mr. Big Record Producer
I can take whatever I want.
Chef
But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!
Mr. Big Record Producer
I am above the law!
Mr. Big Record Producer's hair falls in his face again. He smears it back up with more Spooge.
Mr. Big Record Producer
I told you not to mess with me.
Chef
That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that two million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!
Mr. Big Record Producer
[Gasps.] You wouldn’t.
Chef
Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!
Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed, a portrait of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall.
Mr. Garrison
I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? [Sighs.] I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever. [Senses something wrong.] Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..?
Mr. Garrison pulls the covers back.
Mr. Garrison
Aaaggghhh!!
Mr. Twig is broken in half!
Mr. Garrison
Who did this?!
Mr. Garrison shouts outside through the bedroom window.
Mr. Garrison
You won't get away with this, you bastards!
Chef's house, Chef is on the phone.
Chef
Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [Hangs up.] Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million.
Stan
Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich.
Chef
Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.
Kyle
You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.
Chef starts searching his closet for a coat.
Chef
I appreciate that, children, but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do.
Chef finds the coat he's looking for.
Chef
My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.
The boys Chef as he goes to the front door.
Chef
Wish me luck, children.
He leaves, closing the door.
Stan
We've gotta help him, dude.
Kyle
Yeah, b-but how?
Stan
Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
Live-action footage show an American Airlines plane taking off.
Somewhere in England. The boys, with Cartman carrying a box of candy, are approaching a mansion.
Kyle
Whoa, dude, this house is huge.
Stan
Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.
Cartman
No, it isn't, you guys.
They ring the doorbell.
Butler
Can I help you?
Cartman
We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef.
Cartman rifles through the box of candy.
Cartman
Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?
Kyle
Are you Elton John?
Bulter
No, I’m one of his butlers.
Kyle
Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.
They go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a 1970's concert outfit, with star shaped glasses.
Hi, are you Elton John?
Dialog
Elton John
Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.
Kyle
We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
Cartman
We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies...
Elton John
I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan.
Cartman
What?!
Stan
Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really--
Elton John
Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?
Kyle
Yeah, dude.
Stan
Wow, you remember him?
Elton John
Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.
Flashback, 1963, "The Small Bar".
Elton John
I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.
Elton John

Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl
You're soft but firm,
and you go well with wine.
Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl
Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl

Man
Boo!
The audience starts throwing food and bottles at him, he goes backstage.
Chef
Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.
Elton John
Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.
Chef
Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.
Elton John
I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar Cheese Girl".
Chef
What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton John
That's a great idea!
Chef
And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know, some slick glasses and shit.
Back in the present.
Elton John
And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music.
Stan
So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
Elton John
Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.
Cartman
Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan
Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?
Elton John
Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights, [Rushing.] including-but-not-limited-to-Asian-territories, with-a-twenty-percent-commission-from-all-domestic-sales, and-sole-ownership-of-any-and-all-publishing.
Stan
[Unsure.] 'Kay.
Elton John
Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan
Thanks, dude.
Kyle
Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!
Kyle's house, Chef is in bed with Sheila who is having a post-coitus cigarette.
Sheila
Oy..! Thank you, Chef.
Chef
No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?
Sheila
Oh, of course!
She reaches into a drawer and hands him the money.
Sheila
Here you go.
Chef gets up to go.
Sheila
Leaving so soon?
Chef
I have a loooooong way to go to raise the kind of money I need.
Chef leaves.
Sheila
Well, best of luck to you, then.
Gerald walks in excited.
Gerald
How was it, honey?
Sheila
Pretty much what I expected.
The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a red cart with a large cardboard thermometer demonstrating how much they've raised. The door opens.
Stan
Hello, are you Meat Loaf?
Meat Loaf
Yeah. What the hell do you want?
Cartman
Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend.
Kyle
He’s not dying, Cartman!
Cartman
[Whispers.] Shut your goddamn mouth. [To Meat Loaf.] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars--
Meat Loaf
What's this for?
Stan
Our friend, Chef.
Meat Loaf
Chef's in trouble?
Kyle
Yeah. Do you know him?
Meat Loaf
Do I?
Flashback, The Pit. "Now Performing: Cous-Cous".
Cous-Cous
Nobody came again.
Chef
There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image.
Cous-Cous
What do you mean?
Chef
Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name.
Cous-Cous
Beefy? Like, uhh… Tri-tip!
Chef
That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.
Back to present day.
Meat Loaf
I owe everything to Chef.
Stan
Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf
You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys
Cool!
Crabtree residence. Chef is in bed with Ms. Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree
All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!
Chef
Uh-uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. How would you like to use some... sex toys?
Ms. Crabtree
Sex toys? Like what?
Chef
Like this very special device.
Chef brings out a brown paper sack.
Chef
I call it "Chef’s pleasure bag".
Ms. Crabtree
How does it work?
Chef
Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.
Ms. Crabtree
Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot.
She drops a bit, and Chef places the bag on her head.
Chef
Ahh, yeah. That's much better.
Meanwhile, when the boys meet Rick James at his residence.
Rick James
Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers.
Kyle
Gosh, thanks, Rick James.
Stan
Yeah, thanks. [To Kyle as they walk away.] That’s $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!
[City Hall. Chef and Mayor McDaniels are in her bed.
Mayor McDaniels
Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show.
Chef
[Exhausted.] I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor McDaniels
Oh, come on, buck up, little fella.
Chef
I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
Mayor
Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp.
Chef collapses to the floor.
Mayor McDaniels
Aw, hell!
Mr. Garrison's house, Officer Barbrady enters.
Mr. Garrison
Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady
What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison
These pictures just arrived. [Opens envelope.] I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. [Pulls out the pictures.] Now, go arrest him!
Officer Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks at them, then softly.
Mr. Garrison
What?
Officer Barbrady
Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison
Yes—Yes, I’m sorry.
Officer Barbrady
[Leaves.] Weirdo.
Mr. Garrison
[Examining the pictures] It can't be. These can't be right.
Mr. Garrison walks to the guest closet and opens the door. He looks inside, and gasps loudly.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat!
Chef's house. With three police cars already there, the boys arrive just in time. Inside, Chef is being cuffed by two police officers.
Stan
Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
Chef
It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail.
Stan
No, you don't!
Chef
Huh?
Kyle
We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef
Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle
Cartman?
Cartman is standing by the wagon with the cardboard thermometer of their earnings.
Cartman
Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated hyeeah.
Chef
[Dejected.] Oh.
Kyle
But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef
I made about $410,300, but--
Mr. Big Record Producer
That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!
Stan
You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg--!
Mr. Big Record Producer
I am above the law!
His hair falls into his face again, which he quickly fixes.
Officer
All right, you, it's time to go.
Chef
Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help.
Officer
Let's go.
The officer hits Chef with a baton.
Chef
Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
Officer
I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.
The officers lead him out, continuing to hit him.
Chef
Ow! Ow!
Kyle
Dude... Chef is gone.
Stan
No more Chef.
Cartman
[Voice breaking.] No more Salisbury steak and... pecan pie. [He starts sobbing.]
Stan
We can't let him down, you guys.
Stan
Dude, it's over. He's gone.
Stan
No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman
Four.
Kyle
But what are we gonna do?
Stan
It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
Kyle
Chef Aid?
Stan
Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.
Kyle
Hey, that's a great idea!
Cartman
Yeah!
Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison is in his underwear, Mr. Hat is seated in the armchair.
Mr. Garrison
Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left.
Mr. Garrison grabs him.
Mr. Garrison
I'm not going to take you back.
He takes Mr. Hat to his front door and throws him into the street.
Mr. Garrison
You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
He walks out into the street.
Mr. Garrison
You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison's neighbors begin to congregate.
Mr. Garrison
...I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch!
Mr. Garrison notices the crowd watching him. Officer Barbrady walks up to him.
Mr. Garrison
What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.
Dr. Doctor
It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough.
Mr. Garrison
What do you mean?
Barbrady
I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.
Mr. Garrison
What? Jail?
The boys have set up a very small stage upon which a banner reads, "Chef Aid". Cartman is back to his song and dance.
Cartman

I will do the German dance for you
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la

A couple approaches the stand, bewildered.
Cartman

I hope my will enjoy my dance,

The couple leave.
Cartman

Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay

Kyle
Hmm... This isn't going over so well.
Stan
[To Kyle.] Cartman just needs to put more into it. [To Cartman] Dance better, Cartman!
Cartman
[Faster.]

Would you like sauerkraut,
German boy,
German boy?
Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut,
Fräulein Setski.

A white limousine pulls up.
Elton John
Howdy ho, boys.
Stan
Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton John
It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan
Boy, do we!
Elton John
So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over.
More limos quickly arrive.
Kyle
Wow, cool!
Elton John
I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan
Yeah, dude, it's all yours.
Elton John
Then, let’s rock and roll! Or something similar.
Cartman and Kenny
Hooray!
South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same cell.
Mr. Garrison
...And Mr. Twig is at home, he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
Chef
You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
What?
Chef
Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies.
Mr. Garrison
[Pause.] I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.
Chef
What?!
Chef Aid. The stage is now larger, and has a PA system, drums, floodlights, and spotlights.
Teen MC
Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?!
Five people in the audience stand around, motionless.
Teen MC
Whoo!
No response.
Teen MC
All right, let's get things going with... Rancid! [Moves offstage and squeaks.] Ran-cid!
Rancid takes the stage.
Rancid

California sun has sunk

The five people in the audience immediately jump up and down very rapidly.
Rancid

Behind the Anaheim Hills,
here it comes tonight

Lots of people start purchasing tickets.
Rancid

I was hiiiiiigh on junk--

South Park Police Dept. A short while later.
Mr. Garrison
[Emotionless.] You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?
Chef
No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
Mr. Garrison
That's good.
Something pulls the cell wall apart, and the window falls, leaving a large opening.
Chef
What the?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, boy, we're free!
Mr. Garrison and Chef walk out to a truck.
Mr. Garrison
Wow, what a daring rescue.
He opens the driver's door.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!
Chef is confused.
Mr. Garrison
Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.
Chef
How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now a large, cheering crowd.
Rick James
[Vocalizing]

Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm

Teen MC
Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
Rick James
God bless you, Chef!
Teen MC
And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!
Primus is on stage in large duck outfits.
Les Claypool
We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man.
Primus begins to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, "We Love Chef". Mr. Mackey is being crowd surfing atop the crowd.
Mr. Mackey
Whooaa..!
Mr. Big Record Producer walks up to the boys.
Mr. Big Record Producer
What are you bastards doing?
Kyle
We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!
Cartman
Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!
Mr. Big Record Producer
Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about this!
Teen MC
And now, here’s Joe Strummer! Whoo!
Joe Strummer
You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, "Don't forget, pump your loins, children." You know, that was like his motto or something.
Teen MC
Whoo!
Joe Strummer

Well, it's a rockin' world
Make no mistake about it

Mr. Garrison and Chef pull up.
Joe Strummer

It's a shocking world

Chef exits, surprised.
Joe Strummer

Could be what's so great about it
It's a rockin' world...

Chef
What the hell is this?
The music stops, and the crowd turns to face him.
Everyone
Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!
Stan
Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?
Chef
Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?
Kyle
Well, we helped.
Stan
We’re gonna raise your money, Chef.
Chef
I don’t believe it!
Mr. Big Record producer crawls under the stage with a saw.
Mr. Big Record Producer
We’ll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.
He starts sawing at one of the stage supports, laughing cruelly.
Teen MC
And now, here he is TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
Ozzy Osbourne
We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.
Johnnie Cochran is now in the crowd listening.
Ozzy Osbourne
I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, "Bite the head off a bat", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy!
Music starts and crowd roars.
Ozzy Osbourne

Ain't nowhere to run!

Mr. Big Record Producer is still sawing.
Ozzy Osbourne

Ain't nowhere to hide!

Ozzy picks up Kenny and bites into his head.
Ozzy Osbourne
Aarrggghhh!!!
Kenny
(All right dude, let me go now!)
Ozzy looks up with a bloody mouth, and Kenny's head is missing. The music dies down.
Stan
Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny’s head off!
Kyle
You bastard!
Teen MC
And now here’s Ween!
The crowd cheers. The band members, Dean and Gene are wearing "I'm in Ween" tees.
Dean Ween
We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.
Gene Ween
Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Dean Ween
No, dude, that was Steve's idea.
Gene Ween
Oh. Then who's Chef?
Dean Ween
I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him.
Gene Ween
Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
Ween

Many colors in the homo rainbow
Don't be afraid to let your colors shine shiiiiiiiiiiine

Out in the crowd, Mr. Garrison has both Mr. Hat, and Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison
Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you.
Mr. Twig
[In a French accent.] Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison
It doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig
Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison
Yes.
Mr. Twig
Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison
But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig
Love isn't a decision, it’s a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Mr. Garrison
I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you.
Mr. Garrison tosses Mr. Twig away, and pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles.
Teen MC
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo!
The crowd cheers.
Elton John
Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy. I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend.
He starts playing as the crowd cheers.
Elton John

Wake up, Wendy!

Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan, who smiles back.
Elton John

Smell the coffee...

Kyle
Hey, that's your song for Wendy!
Cartman
Ha-ha, you're a wuss.
Stan punches Cartman. Mr. Big Record Producer is still sawing, finally getting through and the stage tilts slightly, with Elton John still playing. The lights short out and the audience is stunned.
Producer
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!
Narrator
And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say...
A little x-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart.
Narrator
Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day.
His heart grows in size and bursts through the panel, which then disappears.
Johnnie Cochran
Wait! [Walks to Chef.] Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!
Chef
You will?
Johnnie Cochran
I will.
Everyone cheers.
Producer
No!
Johnnie Cochran
We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
Producer
[Dropping to his knees.] Noooooooo!
Courthouse. Cochran now represents Chef, and the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the spectators.
Johnnie Cochran
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef. I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this...
He pulls down his display.
Johnnic Cochran
...is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!
Johnnie Cochran now holds up a monkey.
Johnnie Cochran
Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey.
A juror chokes a bit, then his head explodes.
Outside. The courthouse entrance opens, and Chef emerges with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman behind him. Reporters gather around him.
Reporter
Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
Chef
It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children.
Reporter
So, what are you gonna do now?
Chef
Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.
Stan Kyle and Cartman
Hooray!
End of Chef Aid. Chef's version of "Stinky Britches" plays through closing credits.
End of Chef Aid


  214: "Chef Aid" edit
Story Elements

"Stinky Britches" • Alanis MorissetteJohnnie CochranElton JohnOzzy OsbournePRIMUSChef Aid: The South Park Album • "Brad Logan" • "Cheddar Cheese Girl" • "German Dance" • "It's a Rockin' World" • "Nowhere to Run" • "Stinky Britches" • "The Rainbow" • "Wake Up Wendy"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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