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Chef Aid/Script

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The official script for "Chef Aid" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Twig
  • Chef
  • Mr. Big Record Producer
  • Alanis Morissette
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Judge Moses
  • Johnnie Cochran
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Reporter
  • Elton John
  • Meat Loaf
  • Ms. Crabtree
  • Rick James
  • Mayor McDaniels
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Mr. Hat
  • Teen MC
  • Rancid
  • Primus
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Joe Strummer
  • Ozzy Ozbourne
  • Ween

Script

[South Park Elementary.]
[Cafeteria. While the boys wait in line for their lunches...]
Cartman: [singing] Stinky britches, you got stinky britches
Stinky, stinky britches, you got stinky--
Kyle: What the hell are you singing, Cartman?
Cartman: This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can’t get it out of my head.
Stinky britches, you got stinky britches
Mr. Garrison: [passes by] Hello, children. Ready for lunch?
Cartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky--
Mr. Garrison: Eric, is there a problem?
Cartman: Yeah, I can’t get this stupid song out of my head.
Mr. Garrison: "Stinky Britches" by Alanis Morissette?
Cartman: Yeah. Stinky, stinky britches
Mr. Garrison: Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: Hi, boys. How are you?
Kyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] I told you never say his name in my presence.
Stan: But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Kid: Yeah.
Cartman: [quiet] Stinky britches, you got stinky--
Mr. Garrison: It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now--
Kyle: He'd be better used as a coat rack. [all students laugh at a dismayed, offended Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: [livid] How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig. [walks off. The boys enter the kitchen]
[Kitchen.]
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Cartman: You got stinky britches, stinky--
Chef: What did you say?
Kyle: He singing some new hit song.
Chef: Eric, where did you hear that song?
Cartman: It’s all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.
Chef: [soft] Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
Stan: What, dude?
Chef: Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago.
Cartman: You wrote it?
Chef: Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.
Kyle: Wow, then you should get money for it!
Chef: Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all.
Kyle: Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.
Chef: Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I’ll play them my version of the song.
[Capitalist Records, California. Chef's version is heard]
Chef (recording): Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches.
Chef: So you see, Mr. Big Record Producer, [Office. Chef stops the recording] "Stinky Britches" was something I wrote several years ago.
Producer: Hmm… I really so no resemblance between that song and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: It’s the same goddamn song!
Chef: Now, look, I’m trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!
Producer: I am above the law! [a lock of his hair falls forward, then applies hair gel (Spooge) to be put back in place] Mr. Chef, I’m afraid you leave me no alternative. We’re going to sue you.
Chef: Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you’re gonna sue me?
Producer: Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We’ll have the best in the business.
Kyle: We’ll get my dad to be Chef’s lawyer!
Cartman: Yeah, and he’s Jewish.
[Garrison residence. He watches Morissette's "Stinky Britches" music video]
Alanis Morissette: Stinky, stinky britches, stinky britches
Mr. Garrison: [hears a clattered noise] Mr. Twig, is that you? [turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen] Mis-Mr. Twig? [sees a pot of boiling water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating around, charred] Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No! [throws the pot to the floor] Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
[Courthouse. Gerald, on the other hand...]
Gerald: Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We’re gonna bring these bastards down.
Chef: Right. [a gavel bangs]
Judge Moses: This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?
Gerald: I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski.
Judge Moses: And representing the prosecution?
Prosecutor: I am, Your Honor. Johnnie Cochran. [the court's attendants gasps]
Gerald: Uh-oh.
Chef: Why "uh-oh"?
Gerald: Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O. J. off.
Chef: Uh-oh.
[Hells Pass Hospital. Meanwhile...]
Mr. Garrison: [bursting through operating room doors, holding Mr. Twig in a blanket] I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns! [Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush over. The patient sits up and looks]
Dr. Doctor: Give the child to me. [takes the bundle and unfurls the blanket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig]
Mr. Garrison: [panicked] Is he going to be all right, doctor?
Dr. Doctor: Uhhh…
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to live?
Dr. Doctor: [slowly] It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison: [pause] Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!
[Cartman residence; living room. The four boys are watching the trial live]
Reporter: And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the…day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous Chewbacca defense?
Cartman: What's a Chewbacca defense?
Kyle: I don't know.
Stan: That's what Cochran used in the O. J. Simpson trial.
Cartman: Goddamn, [throws his Cheesy Poofs] I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, "Hey! You stupid son of a bitch! You-- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"
Kyle: I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.
Gerald: [the trial is being aired live] And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you. [one person claps. Gerald goes back to his table and tells Chef] We've got 'em. [Chef grins and gives his thumbs-up approval]
Judge Moses: [bangs gavel] Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments.
Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one, final, thing I want you to consider. [walks to a display stand and pulls down a screen] Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. [true] Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.
Gerald: Dammit..!
Chef: What?
Gerald: He’s using the Chewbacca defense.
Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with this case?" Nothing. [Gerald buries his head in his hands in disaster] Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Judge Moses: [long pause] O-kay, then.
Cartman: Wow, he’s good.
Reporter: In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense. [sketches show an angry Chef staring at Gerald, Judge Moses holding his gavel, and Cochran in clown-like attire pointing left] Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide.
Judge Moses: How find you find the jury?
Foreman: We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy… guilty as charged. [the whole court gasps again]
Gerald: Whoops.
Chef: Whoops?!
Judge Moses: Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of $2 million will be handed over within 24 hours.
Chef: Do I look like I have $2 million?
Judge Moses: Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years. [Chef is shocked]
Bailiff: [whispers in Judge Moses' ear] Uh, it's actually for four years.
Judge Moses: Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years.
Chef: This can't be happening..!
[Cartman living room. All four boys are shocked at the decision]
Stan: Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
[Chef's residence. Everything is being repossessed. He has more than one sofa. He's leafing through a "Memories" photo album. The producer enters]
Producer: And that chair, too. I want that chair.
Chef: Hey, that's my favorite chair!
Producer: You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too.
Stan: Hello there, Chef.
Chef: Hey, children.
Kyle: What's going on?
Chef: Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with $2 million, I'm going to jail.
Stan: Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.
Kyle: Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
Cartman: Ready. [removes his jacket and steps forward, in lederhosen. Oompa music plays]
I will do the German dance for you
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope my will enjoy my dance
Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay
Would you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy?
Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut--
Chef: Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better.
Stan: You do?
Chef: Sure. Just please stop.
Cartman: [dons his coat] See? I told you guys it would work.
Kyle: What's that, dude?
Chef: This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.
Kyle: Did you ever know any famous people?
Chef: Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.
Cartman: [spots Chef and a goat in Germany] What's that?
Chef: Nothing. [turns page] Anyway--
Producer: Take this, too.
Chef: Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!
Producer: I can take whatever I want.
Chef: But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!
Producer: I am above the law! [the lock falls and resets with a second time] I told you not to mess with me.
Chef: That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that $2 million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!
Producer: [gasps] You wouldn’t.
Chef: Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!
[Garrison residence. Mr. Twig lies in bed with a portrait of Leonardo DiCaprio on top]
Mr. Garrison: I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? [sighs] I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever. [senses something wrong] Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..? [pulls the duvet covers back, and...] Aaaggghhh!! Mr. Twig is broken in half! Who did this?! [shouting outside through bedroom window] You won't get away with this, you bastards!
[Chef's residence. On a little deal over the phone...]
Chef: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [hangs up] Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million.
Stan: Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich.
Chef: Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.
Kyle: You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.
Chef: I appreciate that, children, [looks through his closet for a jacket] but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do. [finds a coat] My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town. [the boys watch him go to the front door] Wish me luck, children. [leaves, closing the door]
Stan: We've gotta help him, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, b-but how?
Stan: Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
[live-action footage show an American Airlines plane taking off]
[somewhere in England. The boys (with Cartman carrying a candy tray) are approaching a mansion]
Kyle: Whoa, dude, this house is huge.
Stan: Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.
Cartman: No, it isn't, you guys. [doorbell rings]
Butler: Can I help you?
Cartman: We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef. [searches the tray] Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?
Kyle: Are you Elton John?
Bulter: No, I’m one of his butlers.
Kyle: Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys. [they go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a 1970's concert outfit, with star glasses] Hi, are you Elton John?
Elton: Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.
Kyle: We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
Cartman: We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies…
Elton: I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan.
Cartman: What?!
Stan: Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really--
Elton: Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?
Kyle: Yeah, dude.
Stan: Wow, you remember him?
Elton: Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.
[Flashback, 1963; The Small Bar.]
Elton: I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.
Elton: Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl
You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine
Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl
Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
Man: Boo! [the audience start throwing food at him. He goes backstage]
Chef: Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.
Elton: Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.
Chef: Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.
Elton: I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar Cheese Girl".
Chef: What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton: That's a great idea!
Chef: And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know; some slick glasses and shit.
[back to present day...]
Elton: And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music.
Stan: So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
Elton: Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.
Cartman: Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan: Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?
Elton: Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights, [rushing] including but not limited to Asian territories, with a 20% commission from all domestic sales, and sole ownership of any and all publishing.
Stan: [unsure] 'Kay.
Elton: Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan: Thanks, dude.
Kyle: Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!
[Broflovski residence; master bedroom. Chef is in bed with Sheila as she smokes]
Sheila: Oy..! Thank you, Chef.
Chef: No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?
Sheila: Oh, of course! [reaches into a drawer] Here you go. [gives it to him, then, still interested] Leaving so soon?
Chef: I have a lo-o-o-o-o-ong way to come to go to raise the kind of money I need. [Chef leaves]
Sheila: Well, best of luck to you, then.
Gerald: [opens door] How was it, honey?
Sheila: Pretty much what I expected.
[The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a money meter around on a red cart. The door opens]
Stan: Hello, are you Meat Loaf?
Meat Loaf: Yeah. What the hell do you want?
Cartman: Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend.
Kyle: He’s not dying, Cartman!
Cartman: [whispers] Shut your goddamn mouth. [to Meat Loaf] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars--
Meat Loaf: What's this for?
Stan: Our friend, Chef.
Meat Loaf: Chef's in trouble?
Kyle: Yeah. Do you know him?
Meat Loaf: Do I?
[Flashback; The Pit. "Now Performing: Cous-Cous"]
Cous-Cous: Nobody came again.
Chef: There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image.
Cous-Cous: What do you mean?
Chef: Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name.
Cous-Cous: Beefy? Like, uhh… Tri-tip!
Chef: That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.
[back to present day...]
Meat Loaf: I owe everything to Chef.
Stan: Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf: You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys: Cool!
[Crabtree residence; bedroom. Chef is in bed with her]
Ms. Crabtree: All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!
Chef: Uh-uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. How would you like to use some… sex toys?
Ms. Crabtree: Sex toys? Like what?
Chef: Like this very special device. [pulls up a paper bag] I call it "Chef’s pleasure bag".
Ms. Crabtree: How does it work?
Chef: Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.
Ms. Crabtree: Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot. [she drops a bit, and Chef places the bag on her head]
Chef: Ahh, yeah. That's much better.
[Meanwhile, when the boys meet Rick James at his residence...]
Rick James: Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers. [hands them the money]
Kyle: Gosh, thanks, Rick James.
Stan: Yeah, thanks. [to Kyle as they walk away] That’s $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!
[City Hall; bedroom. Chef and the Mayor are in her bed]
Mayor: Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show.
Chef: [tired] I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor: Oh, come on, buck up, little fella.
Chef: I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
Mayor: Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp. [Chef collapses into the floor] Aw, hell..!
[Garrison residence. Officer Barbrady enters]
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison: These pictures just arrived. [opens envelope] I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. [pulls out the pictures] Now, go arrest him! [Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks at them, then softly] What..?
Barbrady: Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison: Yes—Yes, I’m sorry.
Barbrady: [leaves] Weirdo.
Mr. Garrison: [examines the pictures] It can't be. These can't be right. [walks to the guest closet and opens the door, looks inside, and gasps loudly] Mr. Hat!
[Chef's residence. With three police cars already there, the boys arrive in the nick of time. Inside, Chef is being cuffed by two police officers]
Stan: Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
Chef: It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail.
Stan: No, you don't!
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef: Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle: Cartman?
Cartman: [stands by the Save Chef money meter] Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated here.
Chef: [dejected] Oh.
Kyle: But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef: I made about $410,300, but--
Producer: That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!
Stan: You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg--!
Producer: I am above the law! [lock falls again, resets a third time]
Officer: All right, you, it's time to go.
Chef: Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help.
Officer: Let's go. [hits Chef with a baton. (whack)]
Chef: Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
Officer: I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.
Chef: [the officers lead him out. (whack)] Ow! (whack) Ow!
Kyle: Dude… Chef is gone.
Stan: No more Chef.
Cartman: [voice breaks] No more Salisbury steak and… pecan pie. [sobbing]
Stan: We can't let him down, you guys.
Stan: Dude, it's over. He's gone.
Stan: No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman: Four.
Kyle: But what are we gonna do?
Stan: It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
Kyle: Chef Aid?
Stan: Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.
Kyle: Hey, that's a great idea!
Cartman: Yeah!
[Garrison residence. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat (in his underwear), seated in the armchair]
Mr. Garrison: Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left. [grabs him] I'm not going to take you back. [takes him to the door] You can just go to hell! [throws him into the street] You go to hell and you die! [walks out to the street] You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat! [neighbors converge on the scene] I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch! [notices the crowd. Barbrady walks up] What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.
Dr. Doctor: It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Barbrady: I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.
Mr. Garrison: What? Jail?
[Chef Aid. (As what Stan planned...)]
Cartman: I will do the German dance for you
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
[A couple approaches the stand, bewildered] I hope my will enjoy my dance
[the couple leave] Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay
Kyle: Hmm... This isn't going over so well.
Stan: Cartman just needs to put more into it. Dance better, Cartman!
Cartman: [faster] Would you like sauerkraut, German boy, German boy?
Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut, Fräulein Setski [a white limousine pulls up]
Elton: Howdy ho, boys.
Stan: Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton: It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan: Boy, do we!
Elton: So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over. [at least four more limos pull up]
Kyle: Wow, cool!
Elton: I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan: Yeah, dude, it's all yours.
Elton: Then, let’s rock and roll! Or something similar.
Cartman/ Kenny: Hooray!
[South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same cell]
Mr. Garrison: ...And Mr. Twig is at home; he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
Chef: You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: What?
Chef: Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies.
Mr. Garrison: [pause] I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.
Chef: What?!
[Chef Aid. The stage has been reworked with the addition of PA system, drums, floodlights, spotlights]
Teen MC: Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?! [five people stand around, motionless] Whoo! [no response] All right, let's get things going with… Rancid! [moves offstage and squeaks] Ran-cid! [the band members take their positions]
Rancid: California sun has sunk
[the five people immediately jump up and down] Behind the Anaheim Hills, here it comes tonight
[people start to purchase tickets] I was high on junk--
[South Park Police Dept. A short while later...]
Mr. Garrison: [emotionless] You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?
Chef: No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
Mr. Garrison: That's good. [something pulls the cell wall apart, and the window falls, leaving a large opening]
Chef: What the..?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, boy, we're free! [he and Chef walk out to a truck] Wow, what a daring rescue. [opens the driver's door] Mr. Hat! [Garrison turns] Mr. Hat saved us, Chef! [Chef is in confusion] Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.
Chef: How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
[Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now a crowd, cheering the music]
Rick James: Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm…
Teen MC: Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
Rick James: God bless you, Chef!
Teen MC: And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!
Les Claypool: [in duck outfit] We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man. [Primus begins to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, "We Love Chef". Mr. Mackey is being moved around above the crowd]
Mr. Mackey: Whooaa..!
Producer: [walks up to the boys] What are you bastards doing?
Kyle: We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!
Cartman: Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!
Producer: Oh, yeah? We’ll just see about this!
Teen MC: And now, here’s Joe Strummer! Whoo!
Joe Strummer: You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, "Don't forget, pump your loins, children." You know, that was like his motto or something.
Teen MC: Whoo!
Strummer: Well, it's a rockin' world
Make no mistake about it
[the truck pulls up] It's a shocking world
[Chef exits, and is surprised] Could be what's so great about it
It's a rockin' world...
Chef: What the hell is this? [the music stops, and the crowd turns to face him]
Everyone: Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!
Stan: Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?
Chef: Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?
Kyle: Well, we helped.
Stan: We’re gonna raise your money, Chef.
Chef: I don’t believe it!
[the producer crawls under the stage with a saw]
Producer: We’ll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts. [starts sawing and laughing cruelly]
Teen MC: And now, here he is: TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
Ozzy: We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past. [Johnnie Cochran is now in the crowd, listening] I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, "Bite the head off a bat", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy! [music starts and crowd roars]
Ain't nowhere to run [the producer is still sawing]
Ain't nowhere to hide [picks up Kenny and bites into him] Aarrggghhh!!!
Kenny: (All right dude, let me go now!) [Ozzy looks up with a bloody mouth, and Kenny's head is missing. The music dies down]
Stan: Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny’s head off!
Kyle: You bastard!
Teen MC: And now here’s Ween! [the crowd cheers. The band members, Dean and Gene (wearing "I'm in Ween" tees), get in place]
Dean: We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.
Gene: Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Dean: No, dude, that was Steve's idea.
Gene: Oh. Then who's Chef?
Dean: I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him.
Gene: Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
Ween: Many colors in my homo rainbow
Don't be afraid to let your colors shine
Mr. Garrison: Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you.
Mr. Twig: [in French accent] Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison: It doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig: Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison: Yes.
Mr. Twig: Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison: But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig: Love isn't a decision, it’s a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Mr. Garrison: I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you. [tosses him away, pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles]
Teen MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo! [the crowd cheers]
Elton: Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy. [refers to Stan] I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend. [starts playing. The crowd cheers]
Wake up, Wendy [Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan. Stan looks back]
Smell the coffee...
Kyle: Hey, that's your song for Wendy!
Cartman: Ha-ha, you're a wuss. [Stan punches Cartman]
[the record producer saws yet another support, and this one brings the stage down, with Elton still on it. The lights go out, and the audience is stunned]
Producer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!
Narrator: And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say [a little x-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart] Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day. [the heart bursts through the panel, and the panel disappears]
Cochran: Wait! [walks to Chef] Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!
Chef: You will?
Cochran: I will. [everyone cheers]
Producer: No!
Cochran: We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
Producer: [drop to his knees] Noooooooo!
[Courthouse. Cochran now prosecutes for Chef, and the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the observers]
Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef. [next to a display stand] I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this… is Chewbacca. [pulls down a picture of him] Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? [Chef looks at the picture] Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit! [holds a monkey] Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey. [a juror chokes, then his head explodes]
[Outside. The courthouse entrance open, and Chef emerges, with Stan, Kyle and Cartman behind him. Reporters gather around him]
Reporter: Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
Chef: It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children.
Reporter: So, what are you gonna do now?
Chef: Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman: Hooray!
[End of Chef Aid. Chef's version of "Stinky Britches" plays through closing credits]


  214: "Chef Aid" edit
Story Elements

"Stinky Britches" • Alanis MorissetteJohnnie CochranElton JohnOzzy OsbournePRIMUSChef Aid: The South Park Album • "Brad Logan" • "Cheddar Cheese Girl" • "German Dance" • "It's a Rockin' World" • "Nowhere to Run" • "Stinky Britches" • "The Rainbow" • "Wake Up Wendy"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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