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Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls/Script

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The official script for "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Chef
  • Mr. Hankey
  • Robert Redford, Film Commissioner
  • Phyllis
  • Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Various Directors (Director 3 is called Marty)
  • Fred Savage
  • Candice Butch
  • Tom, reporter
  • Tom Hanks
  • A monkey playing Mr. Hankey
  • Two Cowboys, one of them called Tom

Script

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Sundance Film Festival. A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford and a woman.
Robert Redford
Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
Phyllis
Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
Robert Redford
No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.
Phyllis
That's not a bad idea. But where?
South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the top. It unfurls, revealing: 1st Annual South Park Film Festival. A crowd instantly pours in and mills about.
Man in background
Ching ching cha-ching.
Man in foreground
Whoa.
South Park Elementary.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy
Wow! Cool!
Kyle
They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?
Mr. Garrison
Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
Stan
Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too.
Cartman
No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Wendy
No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Cartman
Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!
Wendy
Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman
I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!
Wendy
Hrmph!
Mr. Garrison
Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!
Cartman looks around for a second.
Cartman
...bitch.
Mr. Garrison
That's it Eric, you-!
Cartman
I'm going!
He hops off his chair and walks out, closing the door behind him.
Mr. Garrison
Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.
The class groans.
Mr. Garrison
The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan
Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
There's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking on cell phones.
Director 1
Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead.
Director 2
[In shorts!] Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!
Mayor McDaniels
[Walking about with one of her aides.] Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city.
After school and the kids are out in the town.
Cartman
I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!
Stan
She's not my girlfriend.
Kenny
(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)
Cartman and Kyle laugh.
Kyle
Sick, Kenny.
Stan
Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
Director 3
[Rushing by with a cell phone.] I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater.
Kyle
All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
They come upon a stand that says
CHEF'S
SOUL FOOD
Chef
Hello there, children!
The boys
Hey, Chef.
Stan
Whatcha doin'?
Chef
Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!
Cartman
What kind of cookies?
Stan
Calm down, tubby.
Chef
They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, "Fudge 'Ems".
Chef pulls out a box with that name on them.
Cartman
I wanna Fudge 'Em.
Chef
I can just see the commercial now. "Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
Kyle
Cool!
Chef
And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "Fudge This."
Director 3
[Passing by with his date.] Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares... how quaint.
Woman
This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture.
Chef
Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge."
Woman
Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?
Chef
Huh?
Director 3
I would kill for some cous cous right now.
Chef
Whose goose?
Woman
Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A.
Director 3
Cute sign, though.
The couple leaves, and Chef looks confused. Wendy walks up.
Wendy
Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?
Cartman
[Taunting.] Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
Stan
Shut up, Cartman! [To Wendy.] Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. [They walk away.]
Cartman
She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him.
Kyle
If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.
Chef
Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!"
Cartman
[To Kyle.] Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
At the Bijou, South Park's movie theater. Now playing: Witness To Denial. Stan sits in the front row with Wendy.
Stan
When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.
Wendy
Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them.
Stan
They what?!
The projectionist starts the film. Only the right half of a woman is shown in close-up. The sound is overmodulated.
Candice
Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
Her girlfriend appears far in the background.
Candice
The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!
They switch places. The girlfriend's left side appears in close-up.
Candice
Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.
Stan
[With soda and popcorn.] Oh, brother.
Candice
The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
Her hands cover her mouth.
Candice
Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being
Stan puts his left hand on the arm rest. Wendy reaches for his soda and takes a sip. In a new scene, Candice is talking to her lover, who wears a Lilith Fare shirt.
Candice
You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door.
Candice's Girlfriend
Then make love to me, right now
The two of them embrace and drop out of view.
Stan
Dude!
Wendy
Sshh!
Stan
Dude!
Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away.
Kyle

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way-

Sheila
[From the master bedroom.] Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!
Kyle
I'm poopies, ma!
Sheila
Well, hurry up!
Kyle

Gone are the dark clouds that had me-

Mr. Hankey
[Voice only, slowly, with echo.] Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
Kyle looks down into the toilet.
Kyle
Could it be?
Mr. Hankey
[In his shrill voice.] Hooowwwdy ho!
Kyle hops off and looks into the toilet. No poo is seen.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?
Day two of the South Park Film Festival.
Tom
I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens, [Softly.] except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town [Normally.] and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
At the Bijou, the boys are watching "The Body Decayeth".
Kyle
It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!
Cartman
Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.
Kyle
Well, I'm sure it was him.
Man
Look, look! Here comes somebody!
People come closer as a limousine pulls up. Someone steps out.
A woman
Move aside, I can't see.
Tom
Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
Fred Savage steps out of the limo wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm Fred Savage'.
Crowd
[In disappointment.] AAWWWW!
Fred's head drops as the limo and crowd scurries away.
Tom
Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
Kyle
So how was that movie last night, dude?
Stan
Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
Cartman
It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?
Stan
Yeah, pretty much.
Cartman
Yeah!
Stan
The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.
Kyle
Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan and Kenny laugh.
Cartman
Ay!
Stan
Dude, now that'd be like IMAX.
Kyle and Kenny laugh.
Cartman
Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Kenny
(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh.)
Stan and Kyle laugh.
Cartman
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Cartman looks around, but doesn't go anywhere.
Kyle
Well?
Cartman
I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
Robert Redford
This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into.
Phyllis
Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?
Robert Redford
Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Phyllis
Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Robert Redford
Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!
He laughs maniacally.
Robert Redford
Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
The camera moves in as he laughs maniacally again.
Robert Redford
That's it.
The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now the booth says "Chef's Salty Balls"
Chef
Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."
He brings out the cookie tray to show them. The boys say nothing.
Stan
Are they good?
Chef
Try 'em.
Stan
Hey, dude, these are good!
Cartman
Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef.
Kenny laughs at Cartman's unintended double entendre.
Mr. Hankey
[From under the runoff grate.] Ky-yle!
Kyle
There it is again!
Stan and Kyle have traded places.
Stan
There is what again?
Kyle looks left.
Mr. Hankey
[Moaning.] Ky-yle!
Kyle
It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Mr. Hankey's theme song begins to play.
Stan
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Kyle
Where does that grill go?
Stan
To the sewer, dude.
Kyle
Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!
He walks off, but stops when no one follows.
Kyle
Come on!
The boys have left, Chef starts to sing.
Chef

Hey, everybody,
have you seen my balls?
They're big and salty and brown
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up,
just stick my balls in your mouth
Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls
put 'em in your mouth
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em...

The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat clamors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere.
Cartman
Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
Kyle
Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!
A sound is heard and the boys quickly turn to look.
Stan
What was that?
The beam of his flashlight lands on a rat.
Cartman
Aw, man, let's get out of here!
Kyle
We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.
They look ahead, only to see something making splashes in the water.
The boys
Aaaaah!
Kenny
(Wait!)
The figure rises and turns, only to reveal itself as a snorkeling human, Mr. Garrison, with him is Mr. Twig.
Kyle
What the hell?
Mr. Garrison removes his mouthpiece.
Stan
Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Oh uh- hello, children.
Cartman
What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison
Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
Kyle
In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison
Children, do you know how to file a police report?
The boys
No.
Mr. Garrison
Good. See you in school.
He puts his mouthpiece back on and drops into the water. The boys are stunned, but walk forward.
Cartman
This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?
Kyle
Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?
Cartman
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home.
Mr. Hankey
The boys turn to see Mr. Hankey rowing in a paper fries tray.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, boys.
Kyle
I told you guys he'd be here!
Mr. Hankey
Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht.
Cartman
[Displeased.] Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
Mr. Hankey
Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?
The boys
Yes.
Mr. Hankey
And usin' dental floss?
The boys
Yes.
Mr. Hankey
And washin' behind your ears?
The boys
Yes.
Cartman
No.
Mr. Hankey coughs.
Kyle
What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?
Mr. Hankey
Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home.
Stan
What do you mean?
Mr. Hankey
Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.
Cartman
[Incredulous.] Oh my God.
Mr. Hankey
These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
Kyle
And that's why you got a cold?
Mr. Hankey
That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Stan
Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?
Mr. Hankey
There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.
He coughs some more.
Kyle
Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.
The boys move off.
Mr. Hankey
Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
Mr. Hankey rows away. Meanwhile, back at the festival... Playing at the Bijou: "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." Score another one for Cartman. Inside, the festival host stands before the movie audience.
Host
So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
Kyle
[Rushing in.] Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?
Director 4
Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
The audience buzzes and cameras flash everywhere, Kyle shields his eyes.
Kyle
Aaahh!
Director 4
Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
The audience groans.
Kyle
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food.
Female director
Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr. Hankey"?
Kyle
He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.
No reaction from the audience.
Director 3
What a great story-it has everything!
Female director
This could be the next Free Willy.
Director 5
Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?
Kyle
Huh??
Director 6
Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?
The boys just stare.
Director 7
It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.
Director 4
This could be a great summer movie.
Female director 2
[Rising in the back.] Can we put a mon-key in it?
Director 8
"The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?
Director 9
Keanu Reeves.
Director 10
Matt Damon!
Fred Savage
Fred Savage!
The other audience members laugh at the thought, and Fred is miffed.
Director 7
I'd pay a million for this story!
Director 10
I'll pay two.
The rest of the audience descends into conversation.
Kyle
Dude, no one even listened to me.
Stan
Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
One of the directors has pulled Cartman aside.
Director 3
Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
Cartman
Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
Director 3
I want you to do a big-money deal with me.
Cartman
All of us?
Director 3
Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?
Cartman
Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.
Director 3
Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
They walk off. Meanwhile, in front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there.
Robert Redford
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
The crowd cheers.
Someone in the crowd
Fantastic!
Robert Redford
And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand.
A wrecking ball appears and knocks the building down with one fell swoop.
Crowd
[Gasping.] Ooohhh!
Aide 2
Can they do that?
Mayor McDaniels
They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the bad news. An organ is heard.
End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls


  209: "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls" edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyRobert Redford • "Chocolate Salty Balls"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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