Fandom

South Park Archives

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls/Script

< Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls

3,483pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Comments0 Share


Leftarrow "Summer Sucks/Script" "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls/Script" "Chickenpox/Script" Rightarrow
The official script for "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Chef
  • Mr. Hankey
  • Robert Redford, Film Commissioner
  • Phyllis
  • Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Various Directors (Director 3 is called Marty)
  • Fred Savage
  • Candice Butch
  • Tom, reporter
  • Tom Hanks
  • A monkey playing Mr. Hankey
  • Two Cowboys, one of them called Tom

Script

Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls
Sundance Film Festival. A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford and a woman.
Robert Redford
Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
Phyllis
Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
Robert Redford
No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.
Phyllis
That's not a bad idea. But where?
South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the top. It unfurls, revealing: 1st Annual South Park Film Festival. A crowd instantly pours in and mills about.
Man in background
Ching ching cha-ching.
Man in foreground
Whoa.
South Park Elementary.
Mr. Garrison
Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy
Wow! Cool!
Kyle
They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?
Mr. Garrison
Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
Stan
Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too.
Cartman
No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Wendy
No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Cartman
Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!
Wendy
Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman
I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!
Wendy
Hrmph!
Mr. Garrison
Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!
Cartman looks around for a second.
Cartman
...bitch.
Mr. Garrison
That's it Eric, you-!
Cartman
I'm going!
He hops off his chair and walks out, closing the door behind him.
Mr. Garrison
Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.
The class groans.
Mr. Garrison
The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan
Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
There's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking on cell phones.
Director 1
Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead.
Director 2
[In shorts!] Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!
Mayor McDaniels
[Walking about with one of her aides.] Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city.
After school and the kids are out in the town.
Cartman
I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!
Stan
She's not my girlfriend.
Kenny
(Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)
Cartman and Kyle laugh.
Kyle
Sick, Kenny.
Stan
Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
Director 3
[Rushing by with a cell phone.] I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater.
Kyle
All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
They come upon a stand that says
CHEF'S
SOUL FOOD
Chef
Hello there, children!
The boys
Hey, Chef.
Stan
Whatcha doin'?
Chef
Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!
Cartman
What kind of cookies?
Stan
Calm down, tubby.
Chef
They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, "Fudge 'Ems".
Chef pulls out a box with that name on them.
Cartman
I wanna Fudge 'Em.
Chef
I can just see the commercial now. "Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
Kyle
Cool!
Chef
And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "Fudge This."
Director 3
[Passing by with his date.] Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares... how quaint.
Woman
This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture.
Chef
Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge."
Woman
Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?
Chef
Huh?
Director 3
I would kill for some cous cous right now.
Chef
Whose goose?
Woman
Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A.
Director 3
Cute sign, though.
The couple leaves, and Chef looks confused. Wendy walks up.
Wendy
Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?
Cartman
[Taunting.] Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
Stan
Shut up, Cartman! [To Wendy.] Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. [They walk away.]
Cartman
She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him.
Kyle
If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.
Chef
Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!"
Cartman
[To Kyle.] Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
At the Bijou, South Park's movie theater. Now playing: Witness To Denial. Stan sits in the front row with Wendy.
Stan
When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.
Wendy
Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them.
Stan
They what?!
The projectionist starts the film. Only the right half of a woman is shown in close-up. The sound is overmodulated.
Candice
Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
Her girlfriend appears far in the background.
Candice
The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!
They switch places. The girlfriend's left side appears in close-up.
Candice
Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.
Stan
[With soda and popcorn.] Oh, brother.
Candice
The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
Her hands cover her mouth.
Candice
Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being
Stan puts his left hand on the arm rest. Wendy reaches for his soda and takes a sip. In a new scene, Candice is talking to her lover, who wears a Lilith Fare shirt.
Candice
You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door.
Candice's Girlfriend
Then make love to me, right now
The two of them embrace and drop out of view.
Stan
Dude!
Wendy
Sshh!
Stan
Dude!
Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away.
Kyle

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way-

Sheila
[From the master bedroom.] Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!
Kyle
I'm poopies, ma!
Sheila
Well, hurry up!
Kyle

Gone are the dark clouds that had me-

Mr. Hankey
[Voice only, slowly, with echo.] Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
Kyle looks down into the toilet.
Kyle
Could it be?
Mr. Hankey
[In his shrill voice.] Hooowwwdy ho!
Kyle hops off and looks into the toilet. No poo is seen.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?
Day two of the South Park Film Festival.
Tom
I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens, [Softly.] except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town [Normally.] and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
At the Bijou, the boys are watching "The Body Decayeth".
Kyle
It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!
Cartman
Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.
Kyle
Well, I'm sure it was him.
Man
Look, look! Here comes somebody!
People come closer as a limousine pulls up. Someone steps out.
A woman
Move aside, I can't see.
Tom
Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
Fred Savage steps out of the limo wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm Fred Savage'.
Crowd
[In disappointment.] AAWWWW!
Fred's head drops as the limo and crowd scurries away.
Tom
Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
Kyle
So how was that movie last night, dude?
Stan
Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
Cartman
It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?
Stan
Yeah, pretty much.
Cartman
Yeah!
Stan
The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.
Kyle
Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan and Kenny laugh.
Cartman
Ay!
Stan
Dude, now that'd be like IMAX.
Kyle and Kenny laugh.
Cartman
Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Kenny
(Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh.)
Stan and Kyle laugh.
Cartman
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Cartman looks around, but doesn't go anywhere.
Kyle
Well?
Cartman
I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
Robert Redford
This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into.
Phyllis
Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?
Robert Redford
Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Phyllis
Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Robert Redford
Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!
He laughs maniacally.
Robert Redford
Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
The camera moves in as he laughs maniacally again.
Robert Redford
That's it.
The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now the booth says "Chef's Salty Balls"
Chef
Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."
He brings out the cookie tray to show them. The boys say nothing.
Stan
Are they good?
Chef
Try 'em.
Stan
Hey, dude, these are good!
Cartman
Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef.
Kenny laughs at Cartman's unintended double entendre.
Mr. Hankey
[From under the runoff grate.] Ky-yle!
Kyle
There it is again!
Stan and Kyle have traded places.
Stan
There is what again?
Kyle looks left.
Mr. Hankey
[Moaning.] Ky-yle!
Kyle
It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Mr. Hankey's theme song begins to play.
Stan
Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Kyle
Where does that grill go?
Stan
To the sewer, dude.
Kyle
Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!
He walks off, but stops when no one follows.
Kyle
Come on!
The boys have left, Chef starts to sing.
Chef

Hey, everybody,
have you seen my balls?
They're big and salty and brown
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up,
just stick my balls in your mouth
Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls
put 'em in your mouth
Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em...

The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat clamors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere.
Cartman
Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
Kyle
Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!
A sound is heard and the boys quickly turn to look.
Stan
What was that?
The beam of his flashlight lands on a rat.
Cartman
Aw, man, let's get out of here!
Kyle
We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.
They look ahead, only to see something making splashes in the water.
The boys
Aaaaah!
Kenny
(Wait!)
The figure rises and turns, only to reveal itself as a snorkeling human, Mr. Garrison, with him is Mr. Twig.
Kyle
What the hell?
Mr. Garrison removes his mouthpiece.
Stan
Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison
Oh uh- hello, children.
Cartman
What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison
Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
Kyle
In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison
Children, do you know how to file a police report?
The boys
No.
Mr. Garrison
Good. See you in school.
He puts his mouthpiece back on and drops into the water. The boys are stunned, but walk forward.
Cartman
This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?
Kyle
Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?
Cartman
Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home.
Mr. Hankey
The boys turn to see Mr. Hankey rowing in a paper fries tray.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, boys.
Kyle
I told you guys he'd be here!
Mr. Hankey
Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht.
Cartman
[Displeased.] Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
Mr. Hankey
Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?
The boys
Yes.
Mr. Hankey
And usin' dental floss?
The boys
Yes.
Mr. Hankey
And washin' behind your ears?
The boys
Yes.
Cartman
No.
Mr. Hankey coughs.
Kyle
What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?
Mr. Hankey
Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home.
Stan
What do you mean?
Mr. Hankey
Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.
Cartman
[Incredulous.] Oh my God.
Mr. Hankey
These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
Kyle
And that's why you got a cold?
Mr. Hankey
That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Stan
Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?
Mr. Hankey
There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.
He coughs some more.
Kyle
Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.
The boys move off.
Mr. Hankey
Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
Mr. Hankey rows away. Meanwhile, back at the festival... Playing at the Bijou: "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." Score another one for Cartman. Inside, the festival host stands before the movie audience.
Host
So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
Kyle
[Rushing in.] Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?
Director 4
Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
The audience buzzes and cameras flash everywhere, Kyle shields his eyes.
Kyle
Aaahh!
Director 4
Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
The audience groans.
Kyle
Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food.
Female director
Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr. Hankey"?
Kyle
He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.
No reaction from the audience.
Director 3
What a great story-it has everything!
Female director
This could be the next Free Willy.
Director 5
Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?
Kyle
Huh??
Director 6
Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?
The boys just stare.
Director 7
It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.
Director 4
This could be a great summer movie.
Female director 2
[Rising in the back.] Can we put a mon-key in it?
Director 8
"The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?
Director 9
Keanu Reeves.
Director 10
Matt Damon!
Fred Savage
Fred Savage!
The other audience members laugh at the thought, and Fred is miffed.
Director 7
I'd pay a million for this story!
Director 10
I'll pay two.
The rest of the audience descends into conversation.
Kyle
Dude, no one even listened to me.
Stan
Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
One of the directors has pulled Cartman aside.
Director 3
Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
Cartman
Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
Director 3
I want you to do a big-money deal with me.
Cartman
All of us?
Director 3
Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?
Cartman
Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.
Director 3
Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
They walk off. Meanwhile, in front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there.
Robert Redford
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
The crowd cheers.
Someone in the crowd
Fantastic!
Robert Redford
And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand.
A wrecking ball appears and knocks the building down with one fell swoop.
Crowd
[Gasping.] Ooohhh!
Aide 2
Can they do that?
Mayor McDaniels
They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the bad news. An organ is heard.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey!
Kyle looks all around and walks.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey?!
Kyle is surprised to see an organ before him, and Mr. Hankey playing vigorously.
Kyle
Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
[Turns around.] Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.
Mr. Hankey starts coughing again.
Mr. Hankey
Well, how did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment?
Kyle
They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie.
Mr. Hankey
[Droops.] Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'.
He turns back and starts playing the organ again.
Kyle
[Determined.] We only have one option. I've gotta take you to the surface.
Mr. Hankey
Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
Kyle
It's the only way to prove to them that you're real.
Mr. Hankey
But I won't last long up above.
Kyle
Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm not gonna let you die!
Mr. Hankey
All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth.
Wendy
Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening!
They look up to see "Tom Hanks in: Me & Mr. Hankey".
Stan
Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats. On the screen, Tom Hanks is in a hospital with a fever, hand to forehead.
Tom Hanks
Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight.
Mr. Hankey
[A talking monkey hanging from the curtain.] No, I'm not leaving without you.
The monkey drops down and goes to Tom Hanks' bedside.
Mr. Hankey
We started this together, we're gonna finish it together.
The monkey holds his hand.
Tom Hanks
I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not.
Stan reaches out for Wendy's hand. Wendy cries, blows her nose into a napkin, and hands it to Stan, who just looks at it.
Director 3
[Sitting in the back with Cartman.] It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Cartman
Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!
Tom Hanks
[Onscreen.] I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
Cartman
[Mocking.] I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.
Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out, crushing Kenny.
Man 1
Oh my God, I found a penny! [Picks it up.]
Man 2
You bastard!
The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with Mr. Hankey.
Kyle
Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How are you doin'?
Mr. Hankey
[Looking more frozen than dry.] It sure is -dry up here. [Coughs]
Kyle
Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on!
Construction is under way at the Hollywood Planet, South Park's "Death Star".
Mayor McDaniels
Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you?
Robert Redford
[Arms crossed.] Make it quick.
Mayor McDaniels
Well, the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town.
Robert Redford
Uh-huh.
Mayor McDaniels
Right. So, we were actually wondering if we could call this whole thing off?
Robert Redford
We have contracts. [He pulls some out.] You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work.
Cartman
[With director 3.] Eh but, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the movie made a lot of money!
Marty
Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!
Stan
[Happening upon the scene.] Serves you right, Cartman! You're a sellout!
Cartman
I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
Stan
If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout!
Chef
[Stopping by.] It's all gone to hell, children. And we're all to blame. Even me!
His booth is shown.
Chef
I was sellin' out my town, too! And now look at it.
The town looks just like Sundance at the beginning of the episode.
Stan
So what do we do now?
Chef
There's nothin' we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls.
Kyle arrives with Mr. Hankey in a shoebox.
Kyle
You guys, we have to hurry!
Stan
Why?
Kyle
Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!
They walk over to Robert Redford.
Kyle
Sir! Sir!
Robert Redford
Not now!
Kyle
I have to show you something.
Kyle presents the box containing Mr. Hankey to Robert Redford.
Kyle
I think it will change the way you feel about your impact here.
A director
What's this?
Others have started to gather around.
Kyle
I want you guys to all meet my friend.
Kyle removes the lid to the box and rattles the box a bit. When nothing happens, he turns the box over and Mr. Hankey drops out, dry as a bone. The boys gasp.
Robert Redford
That's great, kid. A dried-out lump of shit; very compelling. [To the crowd] Okay, folks, let's move! We've gotta have that sign down in time for the opening tonight!
Kyle
You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
Mr. Hankey starts coughing and is barely audible, only his right eye opens.
Mr. Hankey
Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something I must tell you. Come clo-ser.
Kyle draws closer.
Mr. Hankey
Clo-ser.
Kyle moves in further.
Kyle
Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
Mr. Hankey dies.
Kyle
Nooohohohohohoho-
Mr. Hankey
Wake up.
Kyle
What is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
Come clo-ser.
Kyle moves in closer.
Kyle
What is it?
Mr. Hankey
Clo-ser.
Kyle moves even further in.
Kyle
Yes?
Mr. Hankey
Closer!
Kyle is very close.
Mr. Hankey
One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.
He dies.
Kyle
Nooo!
Flashbacks of Mr. Hankey flood Kyle's mind, including one of the monkey who played Mr. Hankey in the movie.
Voice over
[Singing slowly, mournfully.]

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
He loved me, I loved you.
Therefore vicariously he loved you-

Kyle
Nooo!
HazMat official
I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.
The HazMat official scoops Mr. Hankey's corpse into a small white body bag.
Kyle
[Weeping.] Noo! No!
Stan
[Concerned.] Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here for you.
Wendy
[Arriving.] Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie? [Damn.]
Stan
Okay!
Stan releases Kyle, who falls to the ground.
Kyle
Uuf.
Over at the Bijou, now showing: "BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK" A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside, it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks at him. He pulls his hand back and looks at the screen.
Cowboy
Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
Tom
I ate all mine up, silly.
Cowboy
Well then, now what do we do?
Stan tries again, and again pulls back. This time, Wendy takes his left hand in her right one and smiles at him. He smiles back at her. A few blinks from her eyes and a gentle squeeze from her hand and he vomits - at a man sitting in front of her.
Man
AAWWWW!
Wendy
Eeewww!
Man
[Facing Stan.] Hey!
Stan
Sorry.
Cowboy
Well, why don't we just explore our sexuality?
Tom
Ooh, good idea. Let's.
They hug, and the cowboy drops to work on Tom's pants.
Stan
Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!
Wendy is alarmed, Stan jumps up and.
Stan
Blaach!
He vomits on the man in front of him again.
Man
Aaww! [Turns around to face Stan.] Is there a problem, young man?
Stan
No problem, dude.
Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming into him.
Kyle
I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan.
Chef
Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.
Kyle
Chef, does poo go to heaven?
Chef
[Chef ponders a moment.] Well, uh-I kinda hope not.
Kyle starts weeping.
Chef
I mean, sure it does.
Kyle quiets down.
Chef
Here. I'll give him one of my Salty Balls to take with him to poo heaven.
Chef removes the face tubes and drops a ball into Mr. Hankey's mouth, then puts the tubes back.
Chef
Come on, let's go.
They start to walk away.
Mr. Hankey
[Weakly.] Kyle.
Kyle
[Rushes back.] Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho.
Kyle
He's back! He's back! [Chef returns.]
Mr. Hankey
That was delicious.
Chef
My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle
You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef
You're daaamn right.
Hollywood Planet is finished and awaiting its unveiling. But first, over at Cartman's booth,
Cartman
Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, folks. for only $14.95!
Woman
I'll take two.
Man
I'd like to pay for one.
Cartman
Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
Robert Redford is at the podium.
Robert Redford
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year!
Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Jimbo are dismayed, along with the rest of the town.
Robert Redford
And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain!
The curtain drops to reveal Hollywood Planet in all its glory. Kliegl lights move their beams around and palm tress line the restaurant front.
Robert Redford
I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!"
He laughs sinisterly. The crowd gasps at the size of the thing.
Kyle
Wait!
The crowd turns to see who it is.
Kyle
I brought him! I brought him to show you!
Cartman is with Stan and Kyle.
Robert Redford
[Put off.] Oh, not this again!
Kyle
Behold! Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey jumps out of the box.
Mr. Hankey
Hoooooowwwdy-ho!
The crowd looks at him blankly, then turns back to face the commissioner. Hollywood folks are hard to impress.
Robert Redford
Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place for all-
Mr. Hankey
Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival.
Short Man
Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about, 3, okay?
Mr. Hankey's hands drop and he hops over to the podium. Robert steps aside.
Mr. Hankey
Uh, folks, please. Little towns like this simply aren't made for friggin' films. We love havin' visitors, but golly, too many of you is hurtin' our ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin' or what film is gonna get sold. It should be about people gettin' together, and watchin' movies, and about people who could never get their movies seen havin' a chance to have it watched, if only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say, "Gaw, let's forget about lawyers and managers and studios and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art."
The crowd ponders the speech. Kyle smiles, and so does Mr. Hankey.
Robert Redford
[Grabs Mr. Hankey and pulls back.] I have had enough of you! [He tosses him away.]
Mr. Hankey
[Flying through the air.] Nyyaarrrr!
Kyle
No!
Mr. Hankey hits a wall and slides down.
Robert Redford
Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of film festivals.
Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Chef gather 'round Mr. Hankey.
Kyle
[Crying.] O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
Chef
Well, it worked once before.
Chef drops six balls into Mr. Hankey's mouth.
Mr. Hankey
[Recovering.] Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick!
He rubs his belly and hops off. As he does, syncopated music plays, and he switches to a sorcerer's cap. He's pissed.
Stan
What the hell is he doing?
Kyle
I don't know.
Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice. He starts to do his magic, waving his hands as clouds gather and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town.
Cartman
Whoa!
Robert Redford is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now covers the street. They start to dance.
An Agent
Oh my God!
Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porta Potties nearby and builds into a giant wave.
Crowd Members
[Fleeing.] Aaaaahh!
The poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out of the Hollywood Planet area. Robert Redford and Phyllis get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases it.
Man
Oh, my God, it's crap!
Man 2
Ohh! Noo!
The poo traps a car and pushes it into the air as the poo turns into a twister.
Man 3
Whoa, it smells, it smells!
Robert Redford and Phyllis reach their car.
Phyllis
[Now inside.] Come on, let's go! It's coming!
Robert Redford
[With key in the ignition.] I'm trying, damn it!
Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up.
Robert Redford
Aww. Aww. Glup.
The poo drowns them and pours out the car windows.
Man
Let's get out of this town!
Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly. Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople.
Mr. Hankey
[Gazing at the scene.] Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
He takes his cap off and lifts it high in a flourish, smiling.
Kyle
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid of all the film people!
Townsfolk
Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels
Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!
Mr. Hankey
I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.
He jumps down to Kyle.
Mr. Hankey
Kisses.
He kisses Kyle, and Kyle hugs him. Chef hugs both Stan and Kyle.
Wendy
[Stopping by.] Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.
Stan
Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
Wendy
Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.
Cartman
Yes. And I've learned something, too.
The others turn, Stan and Wendy hold hands.
Cartman
Being a sellout is sweet. Because you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers- like you guys. Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls. The song of the same name plays.
End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls


  209: "Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls" edit
Story Elements

Mr. HankeyRobert Redford • "Chocolate Salty Balls"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki