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Cartman Sucks/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Bebe Stevens
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Father Maxi
  • Det. Yates
  • Liane Cartman
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Linda Stotch
  • Mrs. Garrison
  • Sheila Broflovski
  • Camp New Grace
    • A counselor
    • Bradley
    • Campers
    • Director
    • Leader
    • Pastor Phillips
    • Staffer

Script

[A scrapbook shot of Butters sleeping, with a poo mustache on his face.]
Cartman: This picture I like to call "The Pierre". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha. [the caption reads "THE PIERRE 3/10/07." Cartman flips the page. The pages are artsy in design] And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. [Yep, the tampon is in there like a thermometer] I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual". [the caption is shown, Cartman flips the page. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stand around him, looking at the pictures. They're all in Cartman's room.] This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae". [caresses the picture] I really like how the light plays with the background on this one.
Kyle: Is this all you brought us here to see?
Cartman: Oh no, there's much more. [flips the page] Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it "New Moon Rising". [a shot of Cartman hanging his ass over Butters' face] I did a whole study using my ass. [Cartman's ass over Butters' face from the left side] Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. [next, Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters] trying out some... different light filters here. [last shot looks faded, with Cartman's ass directly on Butters' face.] But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass.
Kyle: Butters is staying over tonight?
Cartman: Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to-
Butters: [appears at Cartman's bedroom door] Hey, fellas! [Stan and Kenny turn around. Kyle looks over his left shoulder]
Cartman: Heh! [quickly puts away his scrapbook] Oh, oh hey, Butters! [turns around and greets him] I wasn't expecting you so soon.
Butters: Yeah. [puts down his sleeping bag] I finished my chores so I came over a little early. [Cartman takes the sleeping bag and sets it aside. Butters notices the other guys] Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too?
Cartman: [returns] No no, these guys were just leaving. [faces the other guys menacingly] weren't you guys?
Stan: Come on, let's go. [leads Kyle and Kenny out the door.]
Kyle: [stops] Wait, wai- I can't let this happen. [turns around] Butters.
Butters: Yeah Kyle?
Kyle: Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?
Cartman: Kyyyle!
Butters: Uh what do you mean?
Kyle: I mean, that if-
Cartman: What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life.
Butters: Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle.
Kyle: [angered] Hrrugh! [leaves]
Butters: So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while?
Cartman: Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon.
Butters: But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30.
Cartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink.
[South Park, morning. The boys walk up to the bus stop. Cartman isn't with them.]
Cartman: [off screen] You guys! I got it! [runs in and joins them] It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan: What'cha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up at his own cleverness]
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: I know I know, check it out, look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Eh- ...what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh uh.
Kyle: Yeah huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: (Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.)
Cartman: But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No, no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away] What, what can I do? How how can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: Nono wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: [low voice] Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
Cartman: [beat] ...Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Kyle: [beat] ...Idiot.
[Butters' bedroom, several minutes later. Butters is playing with his toys - a car, a truck, and a small action figure.]
Butters: [singing] Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you... [continues howling the tune]
Cartman: [enters the room] Butters.
Butters: [stops playing and gets up] Whoa, hey Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: [a little excited] A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: [really excited] Oh boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees!
Butters: [closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees] Oh, okay! [Cartman grabs a handkerchief from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
Butters: How come uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toybox]
Butters: Oh uh, ho yeah.
Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters? [lowers them and ...] That's good, just like that.
Butters: [wary all of a sudden] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: ...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Butters: Well okay!
Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own wiener] All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go. [at that moment the door opens and Stephen enters.]
Stephen: Butters!
Cartman: Uh! [quickly gets dressed up]
Butters: Whoa! Hey Dad! [Cartman steps down from the toy-box and runs away]
Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]
Stephen: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes off the blindfold]
Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where'd Eric go?
Stephen: [quite concerned, on bended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Butters: Like what?
Stephen: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
Butters: What's... bi-curious?
Stephen: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters. [Linda appears at the doorway]
Linda: What's going on, you two?
Butters: Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]
[South Park Church, day. Butters and Stephen are in the rectory.]
Stephen: Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious.
Father Maxi: Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused?
Butters: ...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright.
Stephen: You see?
Father Maxi: Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you.
Butters: Really?
Stephen: What can I do, Father?
Father Maxi: There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured.
Stephen: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea.
Butters: Whoa boy! Camp!
[Stan's living room. He, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a board game, Living. A door opens and closes, and Cartman appears.]
Cartman: Haahaahahaha! [crosses his arms] Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me!
Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?
Cartman: [uncrosses his arms] I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said!
Kyle: You figured that out, huh?
Cartman: [crosses his arms again as he turns away] That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know. [pleased with himself]
Kyle: Except for us.
Cartman: Right, except for you.
Kyle: And all the people we tell.
Cartman: [turns around] Why would you tell anybody?
Stan: Because it's really, really funny.
Cartman: ...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier.
Kyle: Like what?
Cartman: Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch. [grins, but Stan and Kyle ignore him] Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face! [chuckles]
Stan: That isn't funny.
Cartman: [angrily] Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody!
Kyle: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Cartman: Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys! [the other boys continue playing. Cartman changes tactics: he pleads] You guys, please don't tell anybody.
Kyle: Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on.
Cartman: Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle. [turns around and cackles] Haha, hahahaha! [leaves the house]
[Camp New Grace entrance, night. Stephen pulls up with Butters, and some campers and camp staffers come out to greet them. Butters hops out of the passenger side, dressed in shirt and tie. Stephen goes to the trunk to bring out a suitcase.]
Leader: Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters.
Campers: Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters.
Stephen: [brings the suitcase to an elder staffer] Thank you so much for taking him in.
Director: Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be.
[Camp New Grace interior, night. The camp director is showing Butters around.]
Director: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?
Butters: Because I'm bi-curious?
Director: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. [they approach a room] Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. [Room 22] Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life. [the door opens, and a boy is shown hanging from a noose in the middle of his room. The stool and book he stood on are fallen on the floor. The director quickly closes the door and continues the tour] Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there. [notices another boy in front of them] Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy?
Bradley: Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6
Director: Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Butters: I'm bi-curious.
Bradley: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22.
Director: That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed. [(a boy has hanged himself) whispers softly to a staffer as the staffer walks by] We've got another one: Room 22.
Staffer: Aw, darnit!
[Community park, dusk. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are taking turns shooting the basketball at the hoop. Stan shoots and misses]
Stan: Aw man, I've got H O R S now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball.]
Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?
Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know God damned well what!
Kyle: Let go of me.
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!
Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it!
Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here!
Kyle: Shut up!
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, and [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews! [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly] OW! [puts his left hand over his right arm] OW! AAAAUH! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park] NYAAAAAAAAAA!
[Camp New Grace, chapel, day. Kids of every age are there singing in unison.]
Campers:

The Lord is love this for
With Jesus I can just say no
And not be confused anymore.

Director: We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you.
Butters: He's bi-curious too?
Director: Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!
Pastor Phillips: [flies onto the stage and prances about speaking flamboyantly] Helloooo campers! [twirls some and strikes a pose] Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man! [strikes a running pose] So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what? [jumps up into the air and does a 1080] It worrrrked! [strikes another pose, then eases up]
Director: That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip. [pulls on out of his back pocket] And just like a paper clip, [begins to mess with it] God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight. [presents the straightened paper clip. A Latino boy pulls out a gun, shoots himself through the temple, and goes down. Butters is startled. The director and Pastor Phillips just stand there.]
[Park County Police Station, South Park Division, day.]
Det. Yates: So you say you were robbed. [fills out a police report]
Cartman: Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski!
Det. Yates: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one?
Cartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back!
Det. Yates: Okay, what is the picture of?
Cartman: [long pause] Why... why does that matter?
Det. Yates: Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is?
Cartman: All right. It's a picture ...of me.
Det. Yates: Yes?
Cartman: It's a picture ...of me. [long pause] And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth.
Det. Yates: [long pause] You were sucking somebody's penis. [this grabs other officers' attention.]
Cartman: No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... put their penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture!
Det. Yates: ...I see.
Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep!
Det. Yates: Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury.
Cartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell!
Det. Yates: Well then, you're screwed.
[Camp New Grace, camp office. Butters and Bradley face the director and four staffers - one of them is a woman, another is Pastor Phillips]
Director: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell?
Butters: Well sure, I guess.
Bradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls.
Director: And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?
Butters: Well yeah, sure.
Bradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7.
Director: Then do you mind telling us why we found this [holds up a magazine with an aroused male model on one of its pages] 1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room?
Bradley: That's... that's mine.
Director: You know this is strictly forbidden!
Butters: Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?
Director: [rises from his chair and walks up to Butters] What's wrong?! [thrusts the magazine onto Butters' face] This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?!
Butters: Yes, it's all very confusing!
Director: This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids! [a gunshot and body drop are heard off screen and all the adults present look to their right. The director sighs twice, rests his left elbow on his desk, holds his left hand up, drops his head onto it, and closes his eyes. The other staffers take notice. Bradley looks down, Butters looks down, then around] Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days!
[8:26 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman sits at his desk looking distraught.]
Cartman: That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now. [pounds his desk and gets determined] That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth. [grabs his ears and starts twisting them until they hurt] Ow. OW. OW!
[The Cartman's kitchen, moments later. Liane balances her checkbook and pays off some bills at the breakfast table. Cartman enters the kitchen, puts his head against the wall and begins to cry.]
Liane: [taking notice] Eric? What's the, what's the matter? [walks over to him to console him]
Cartman: [crying throughout] I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow.
Liane: Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened.
Cartman: Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee.
Liane: Oh, now why would he do that?
Cartman: Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre.
Liane: What is the picture of, Eric? [Cartman stops crying]
Cartman: [sniffles] Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have.
Liane: Ohh, that's nice.
Cartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay. [turns his face to the wall and cries again]
Liane: Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen.
Cartman: [looks at her and sobs] But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee. [turns to her and cries into her chest]
Liane: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother.
Cartman: You, you will?
[Butters and Bradley are in their room doing penance - writing Biblical verses at the table.]
Butters: ...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato!
Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters: Awww, that's okay, Bradley.
Bradley: I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused.
Butters: Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home!
Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [warm thoughts... Bradley panics and leaves his chair] Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought!
Butters: Wuh-what's the matter?
Bradley: I think, I, I th-, I think I like you.
Butters: Well I like you too, Bradley.
Bradley: You do?
Butters: Well yeah!
Bradley: You like like me?
Butters: Sure, I like like you a lot lot. [laughs]
Bradley: Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves! [runs to the door and opens it, then runs out and away]
Butters: [gives chase, but isn't fast enough] No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy!
[The Broflovski house, dinnertime. The Broflovskis are eating. The phone rings and Sheila gets up to answer it.]
Sheila: Hello?
Liane: Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother.
Sheila: Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman.
Liane: Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth.
Sheila: [long pause] Excuse me?
[8:56 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman is back at his desk fretting about the following day.]
Liane: Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine.
Cartman: It is? [happily jumps off his chair and runs to her] Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you! [hugs her]
Liane: You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture.
Cartman: [his smile vanishes] What?
Liane: She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it.
Cartman: Mom, she's lying!
Liane: She said she was sure, Eric.
Cartman: Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time!
Liane: Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it.
Cartman: [thinks a moment] Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh.
[Camp office, night. Butters is in there talking to the director.]
Director: Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?!
Butters: I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast.
Director: You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk.
Butters: Oh no, my Dad?
Director: Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity?
Butters: Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'.
Director: We're fixing your confusion!
Stephen: There you are, Butters!
Director: Oheh- hey Dad.
Stephen: What's he done now?!
Director: Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy!
A counselor: They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick! [Butters runs out, followed by Stephen, then the counselor, then the director]
[A bridge similar to the one in "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", day. Bradley is near the middle of the span, hanging on to the side but ready to jump off. A crowd has gathered at one end of the bridge. The director arrives, followed by Pastor Phillips, Butters, and Stephen]
Director: Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley!
Bradley: Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God!
Director: No no, we're fixing you!
[South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman marches towards class with a slide projector. He turns left and enters the classroom]
[Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman approaches Kyle]
Cartman: Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone? [Kyle turns around and Cartman is in his face. Cartman softly says] Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction!
Mrs. Garrison: Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell. [writes the words on the board] Who'd like to go first? [Cartman holds down Kyles arm while raising his own and grunts]
Kyle: Ow! Quit it, dude!
Mrs. Garrison: Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first.
Cartman: HA! [gets up and goes to the board, pulls down the projector screen and clears his throat.] For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer. [clicks the projector on, and the class lights dim] This first picture I like to call "Moods of Winter" [a shot of snow-covered barren trees], a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps?
Kyle: [to Stan] He isn't actually going to show everyone...
Cartman: And now this next picture [clears his throat. Quick cut to]
[The bridge near camp, day. Bradley is still hanging on.]
Director: Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you!
Bradley: It's too late.
Butters: [approaches the bridge] Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look?
Director: You get back. You're only gonna make things worse.
Bradley: I'm not normal. I'll never be normal!
Butters: You're perfectly normal, Bradley.
Director: Get back! You're just as confused as he is!
Butters: [gets angry] All right. All right that does it! [turns around and faces the crowd] I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! [Bradley listens] You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!
Bradley: Yeah.
Butters: I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself! [Bradley thinks about this]
Bradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now.
Director: He's coming down! [everyone begins to chatter] We did it! [stops by Bradley as Bradley climbs back onto the bridge's road] Through the power of Christ we have saved this child!
Stephen: Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.
Butters: No. I like bein' bi-curious.
Stephen: Well you know somethin'? So do I. [they both have a good laugh about it]
Butters: Wait. Now I am confused.
[Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman continues his presentation]
Cartman: And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial. [everyone gasps]
Bebe: Eww!
Clyde: [long pause] Dude.
Cartman: Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft.
Mrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?!
Cartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that-
Mr. Mackey: [at the door] Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother? [reads the message] "Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk." She said you'd know what that means, m'kay? [walks away. Cartman stands there looking at the door, then at the class. Kyle has a look of pity for Cartman on his face and blinks]
Cartman: [longer pause] ...Lame.
[End of Cartman Sucks.]


  1102: "Cartman Sucks" edit
Story Elements

Camp New GraceBradley • "Help Me"

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ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eleventh Season

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