Fandom

South Park Archives

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe/Script

< Cartman Gets an Anal Probe

3,450pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Comments0 Share

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.


The official script for "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
At the bus stop.
Boys
School day, school day, teacher's golden ru...
Kyle Broflovski
Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike Broflovski
Zeeponaner.
Kyle
Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike Chortles.]
Eric Cartman
Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle
Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan Marsh
What's a dildo?
Kyle
Well, I don't know...[He faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman
I know what it means!
Kyle
Well, what?
Cartman
I'm not telling you.
Stan
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny McCormick
(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina.) [The others laugh.]
Cartman
He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike Laughs.]
Stan
Dude, that kicks ass!
Kyle
Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike
Don't kick the baby.
Kyle
Kick the baby.
He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns.
Stan
Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman
That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle
Really? What about?
Cartman
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...
The dream sequence begins.
Cartman
...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.
Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in.
Cartman
Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A Visitor peeks inside.]
Cartman
...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.
Cartman
Weeaak!
Cartman
Then I was lying on a table...
Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas.
Cartman
...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.
Stan
Dude! Visitors!
Kyle
Totally!
Cartman
What?
Stan
That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!
Cartman
No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan
Visitors are real.
Kyle
Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman
Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
Chef
[Drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Stan
What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef
Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman
Kick ass.
Chef
Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman
[Surprised.] Huh?
Kyle
Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman
Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Chef
Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman
Oh!
Stan
They took him on their ship.
Chef
Oh! [Quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman
Oh!
Kyle
What's an anal probe?
Chef
That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt.
Kyle
Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
Cartman
No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan
Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Cartman
No!
Ike
Eneh probe.
Cartman
Shut up, dildo!
Chef
Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.
Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word "Believe" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off.
Cartman
Oh!
Kyle
We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman
God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
They start to file onto the bus.
Kyle
Why you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman
Shut up!
Ike
[Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.
Kyle
No, Ike, go home.
Ike
Eeeeee!
Kyle
This is it. This one's for the game.
Ike
Purplor.
Kyle
Kick the baby!
He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side.
On the bus.
Stan
Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Veronica Crabtree
Sit down! We're runnin' late!
The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him.
Kyle
Damn it, he's still there.
Stan
Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle
No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree
Sit down back there! Arrrggghhh!!
Stan
Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree
What did you say!?
Stan
I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh.
Kyle
[Gasps.] Oh, my God!
Two Visitors are holding Ike between them
Stan
[Turning to see.] Visitors!
Kenny
(Oh nooo!)
Kyle
Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] Stop the bus! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree
Do you want an office referral!?
Kyle
No.
Ms. Crabtree
Then sit down!
Kyle
But I...
Ms. Crabtree
Arrgghhh!
Kyle
Arrghh!
Kyle, Ms. Crabtree
Arrrggghhh!
Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word.
Stan
Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?
Cartman
Shut up you guys, it's not working.
Kyle
We have to do something!
Stan
Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree
What did you say!?
Stan
Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.
Kyle
What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.]
Cartman
Heh, somebody's baking brownies.
Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away.
Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow.
Farmer Carl Denkins
That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
The cows moo questioningly.
Officer Barbrady
This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
The cows shake their heads.
Farmer Carl
People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady
UFO's? [Laughs.]
Farmer Carl
Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady
That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
Helicopters fly by above him.
Farmer Carl
What was that?
Officer Barbrady
That, that was a pigeon.
Farmer Carl
What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them.
Farmer Carl
Hey! My cattle!
The "Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.
Farmer Carl
You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady
There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Herbert Garrison
And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat
That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.]
Kyle
[Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"
Stan
[Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle
[His voice is rising to an audible level.] "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan
Dude!
Mr. Garrison
Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle
Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle
No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman
[Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.
Kyle
[Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison
I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle
I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison
Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle
Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat
Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison
Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle
Damn it!
Cartman
Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.
Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned.
Cartman
Ow! My ass!
The class gasps.
Kyle
Dude!
Stan
Damn, Cartman!
Cartman
[Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass!
Kyle
Dude, he's farting fire!
Stan
It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
Cartman
No, that was just a dream.
Mr. Garrison
Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
Cartman
No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.
Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.
Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town.
Train Conductor
Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.
The cows are all staring at the conductor.
Train Conductor
No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
Officer Barbrady
[Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows!
Cows split up and run off mooing.
Officer Barbrady
Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.]
Cafeteria
Kid
So then I had bad, bad gas.
Jason
Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman
[Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.
Stan
How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Cartman
Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
Kyle
Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
Stan
[Gasps.] Where?
He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear
Cartman
[Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger.
Stan
Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
Cartman
I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan
I do not!
Wendy Testaburger
Hi, guys.
Kyle, Cartman
Hi, Wendy.
Wendy
Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.]
Stan
Bleech!
Wendy
Eww! [She leaves.]
Kyle, Cartman
[Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy.
Kyle
Dude, what does the note say?
Stan
[He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
A look of wonder comes over his face.
Kyle
Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman
Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny
(Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)
Stan
[That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat?
Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant.
Kyle
Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter.
Chef
Hello there, children.
Boys
Hey, Chef.
Chef
How are you doing?
Kyle
Bad.
Chef
Why bad?
Kyle
Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef
Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.

I'm gonna make love to you woman
Gonna lay you down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
Make you moan and perspire
Gonna--

Stan
Uh, Chef.
Chef

--get those juices flowin'--

Stan
Chef.
Chef

--we're makin' love gravy--

Stan
Chef!
Chef

--love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!

Stan
Chef!!
Chef

Love luh--

Huh?
Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle.
Chef
Do you feel better?
Kyle
No!
Chef
Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan
Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef
What?!
Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter.
Chef
What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
Kyle
Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman
You are making it up.
Cartman farts more fire, the anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at Cartman's determination that it didn't happen.
Stan
Whoa!
The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.
Cartman
What?
Kyle
That was cool!
Chef
It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.
Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe.
Chef
This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us.
Cartman
[Turning to face Chef, testily.] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
Chef
It's no joke, children, this is big!
Kyle
Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
Chef
Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself.] Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children.
Cartman
Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
Chef
[Pulling on the fire alarm] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [To the boys.] Okay children, this is your chance!
Stan
Killer! Thanks, Chef.
Chef
Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien Visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
The boys' neighborhood.
Boys
[Singing.]

We got out of school,
No more school today,
We got out of school...

Cartman, interrupting the song with a fiery fart.
Cartman
Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
Stan
Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman
I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
Kyle
Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman
Uh—Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!
a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.
Cartman

I love to singa,
About the moona and June-a and the springa,
I love to singa,
About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...

A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background.
Stan
What the hell was that?
Kyle
He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!
Cartman
Ah, son of a bitch!
Cartman
You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
Kyle yells into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes.
Kyle
Hey!
Cartman
Uh...
Kyle
If you Visitors can hear me-
The voice echoes in Cartman's head.
Cartman
Hey...
Kyle
-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
Cartman
Ow! [Faces Kyle.] That hurts, you buttlicker!
Stan notices a spaceship hovering overhead.
Stan
Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle
Give me back my brother!
Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.
Stan
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!
The spaceship leaves.
Kyle
Damn it, we were so close!
Stan
Hey look, [Kenny gets up.] I think Kenny's okay.
Kenny
(Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)
The fleeing cows run over Kenny.
Stan
Owww.
Kenny
[He gets up again.] (Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)
Officer Barbrady mows him down with his police cruiser. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach.
Stan
Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle
Now do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman
No!
Kyle
Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman
He's not dead.
Stan
Dude, Kenny is dead!
Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.
Stan
See?
Cartman
Shut up, you guys.
Kyle
He's dead, Cartman!
Kyle pulls Kenny's head off his body.
Cartman
God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [He walks off.] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle
Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
Cartman
[Off screen.] Dildo!
Kyle
You're all I have left, Stan.
Stan
Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle
You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!
Rats feast upon Kenny's body.
Stan
Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [He hurries away.]
Rats drag Kenny's head off.
Kyle
Rats.
Cartman's house.
Liane Cartman
Hello, Eric.
Cartman
Hi, Mom.
Liane
How are you doing?
Cartman
Well, I'm pissed off!
Liane
Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman
I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
Liane
You're not fat, you're big boned.
Cartman
That's what I said.
Liane
You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman
No!
Liane
Just a weensy eensy woo woo?
Cartman
No, leave me alone mom! [He walks past her.]
Liane
How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman
[He stops in his tracks.] What? Well, that does sound pretty good.
He returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie.
Cartman
Uh, Mom?
Liane
Yes, hon?
Cartman
If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Liane
Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Cartman is in disbelief she even asked.
Cartman
Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan.
Kyle
Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now.
Stan
But her note said she'd be here.
Wendy appears out of nowhere.
Wendy
Hi, Stan.
Stan
Bleech!
Wendy
Eww!
Kyle
You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy
But why, Stan?
Stan tries to hold it in.
Stan
Bleech!
Wendy
Eww!
Kyle
Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?
Wendy
[Turns to Kyle.] Huh?
Kyle
Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy
What happened to your little brother?
Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV.
News Reporter
As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.
A plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of Cartman.
Cartman
Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
News Reporter
Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Noticing Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie.
Cartman
No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, you bad kitt--!
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!
Kitty hisses.
Cartman
Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Liane peeks in suggestively.
Liane
Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman
[Confused.] What?
Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother.
Kyle
...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy
Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle
Why?
Wendy
Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
Kyle
Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [He moves out.]
Wendy
Come on, Stan. [She walks past him, following Kyle.]
Stan
Bleech!
Wendy
Eww! [She walks away.]
Stan
Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?
A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.
Cartman's House, a short time later.
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, you can't have any!
Mr. Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty--!
Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze.
Cartman
Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
Liane enters the room with Kyle, Stan, and Wendy.
Liane
Eric, look who's here.
Cartman
Dude, weak mom.
Kyle
Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
Cartman
I can't, my mom said...
Liane
That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman
[Quietly.] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends--
Liane
[Stern.] Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman
God damn it!
Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames.
Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree.
Cartman
You guys, I have to get home.
Stan
Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
Cartman tugs his foot testing the rope.
Cartman
Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle
How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan
I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman
[Cartman farts fire.] Ow!
Wendy
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle
Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the Visitors are sure to come!
Cartman
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle
Sure you do!
Stan
Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman
I don't wanna.
Stan
[To Kyle and Wendy.] He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle
Fart, damn you!
Cartman
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands.
Cartman
I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
Stan
Hey, it's happening again.
The probe is now a large satellite dish.
Kyle
Whoa, look at that.
Stan
Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman
You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan
Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Cartman
Sure, you guys, what-ever.
The dish sends a radio signal out to space.
Chef's yard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him.
Chef
Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [He looks at his watch.] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
Forest.
Cartman
You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!
Three small ships descend, followed by a mother-ship.
Cartman
Oh, God damn it!
Mr. Garrison
[Driving by, he stops.] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle
Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Three Visitors appear.] Uh, uh...
Stan
Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle
Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i- is a pretty special thing.
Stan
Yeah.
Kyle
Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan
That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle
Did it work?
Stan
No, they're leaving.
Kyle
Hey, you scrawny-assed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan
Whoa, dude!
Kyle
You know what you fuckers like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
Stan
Hey Wendy, what's a dildo? [She shrugs.]
The spaceship door opens.
Ike
Help me doy tair.
Kyle
Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Ike
Don't hurt me.
A herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of Visitors stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle Visitor raises its hand and addresses them.
Visitor
Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)
Cows
Moo?? (Really??)
Kyle
Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
Ike
Don't kick the baby.
Visitor
Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)
Cartman
What the hell are they talking about?
Cow
Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
Visitor
Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)
Visitor Carl
Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)
Kyle
Ike!
Visitor
Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.
Kyle
Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
Ike
It's my turn!
Ike dives from the ship into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.
Visitor
Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)
The Visitors disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.
Cartman
You guys, get me down from here!
He farts fire, burning the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.
Cartman
Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
Stan
Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle
Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike
Oh, he fly out the sky.
Chef's yard.
Chef
Wait, where are you going, alien Visitors? Come back!
A blonde arrives with a brunette.
Blonde
Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
Chef
Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
Forest.
Kyle
Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [They leave.]
Stan
Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy
Whatever, dude.
Stan
Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy
Cool!
She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy.
Stan
Bleech!
He barfs right on her face.
Wendy
Eww!
Stan
Sorry.
Wendy
Hey, look. A French fry.
Stan
Cool.
Wendy
And what is that?
Stan
I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.
Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.
Wendy
Hey, what's that?
Stan
That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy
Oh hey, what about that?
Stan
I don't know what the hell that is...
Bus Stop.
Stan
Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle
Yeah, we're running out of friends.
Stan
I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows.
Cows out on a pasture.
Cows
Mooo.
Officer Barbrady
Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.
One of the cows steps on the plate on the Visitor's device. A beam from the device strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.
Officer Barbrady

I love to sing-a,
About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...

The cows begin hopping about gleefully.
Bus Stop. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.
Cartman
Puh!
Stan
Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle
Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman
Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
Stan
Really, what about?
Cartman
Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan
That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Cartman
[Sarcastically.] Oh right, [Matter of factly.] why don't I have pinkeye then?
Kyle
Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
Cartman
Ahh, son of a bitch!
End of Cartman Gets an Anal Probe


  101: "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanKyle BroflovskiStan MarshKenny McCormickIke BroflovskiJerome "Chef" McElroyMr. GarrisonVisitorsMr. KittyAnal ProbeSouth Park Elementary • "I'm Gonna Make Love to You Woman" • "I Love to Singa" • "School Days"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki