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Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut/Script

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The official script for "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut
The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are waiting for the bus
Stan
Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.
Kyle
Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong
Kenny
(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed.)
The three laugh.
Kyle
Yeah.
Stan
Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.
The bus pulls up.
Ms. Crabtree
Come on, we're running late!
Stan
We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Ms. Crabtree
What did you say?!
Stan
I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Ms. Crabtree
Oh. Alright, then.
She closes the door and drives away.
Kyle
Whoa, dude.
Stan
I always wondered if that would work.
The boys approach Cartman's house. Kyle rings the bell.
Liane
Hello, boys.
Kyle
Hi. We were wondering why fat-ass Mitt to mouth.] I mean, Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.
Liane
Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
Stan
In the backyard?
In the backyard. A classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls: he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad Hatter...
Cartman
Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
Polly
Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.
Cartman
You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.
The boys pop up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance.
Cartman
Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
Clyde
Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?
Cartman
Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
Polly
You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.
Cartman
Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. [Sips.]
Stan
[Behind the bushes with the others.] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Kenny
(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea.)
Kyle
Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
Stan
No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.
Kyle
Really?
Peter
[Back at table.] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
Cartman
Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.
Polly
Eric is the best!
Clyde
Hooray for Eric!
Peter
Eric kicks ass!
At school, the Counselor's office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so is Kyle.
Kyle
Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
Mr. Mackey
Oh, well, there's a news flash!
Stan
Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.
Kyle
Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.
Mr. Mackey
Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, m'kay?
Kyle
Woo-whataya mean?
Mr. Mackey
Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?
Stan
No.
Mr. Mackey
Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left] Oh, of course!
Mr. Mackey walks over to a shelf.
Mr. Mackey
My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, m'kay?
Stan
Is that legal?
Mr. Mackey
Oh, hell yes!
Back at Cartman's Tea Party.
Cartman
My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
Polly
Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.
Peter
Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.
Cartman
That's niiice, Peter Panda.
Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's camera.
Stan
Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.
Kyle
How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
Stan
I donnow, just keep rolling.
Cartman
More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin
Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman
Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde
I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Cartman, confused of how to take that.
Cartman
Eeeyy!
Cartman's house, later that night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Mr. Kitty comes by.
Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!
Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!
Kitty
Hhhhhcck!
Liane
How is your beefy roast, snookums?
Cartman
Mom? Can I ask you a question?
Liane
Sure, hon.
Cartman
You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?
Liane
Uh huuuh.
Cartman
And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Liane
Yyeess??
They look at each other for a long time.
Liane
Well, what's your question, hon?
Cartman
God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
Liane
Oooooohh.
Cartman
I want to know where I came from.
Liane
Ooohh, hhmmm [Finger to lips.]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other, they want to be... close to each other.
Cartman
Uh huuh.
Liane
And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks at them both.
Cartman
So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
Liane
Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
A flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a banner: 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance. Cows are standing around while music and light emanate from inside the barn.
Liane
I was young and naive then...
Liane is seen downing a very tall flask of beer.
Man
Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
Liane
Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [The band ends its tune.] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [She stands next to Barbrady.]
Trainee Barbrady
I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!
Liane
[Breathlessly.] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
Trainee Barbrady
[Takes a cookie and bites into it.] Mm, that's a good cookie! [The band resumes playing.]
Jimbo
Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance!
A duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up falling where he stands.
Liane
And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water.
The crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song begins.
Singing

There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love to me.

Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up, vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.
Liane
I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
Cartman
So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
Liane
Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
Cartman
[Weighs the story.] That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
Liane
I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
Cartman
Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Native American.
Kitty
Meow.
Cartman
No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
Stan's house. Grandpa, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.
Annoncer
Coming this Sunday, [Music begins to play.] a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip.
The title screen appears.
Announcer
In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
Terrance
Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
Phillip
Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.
He farts. They both laugh, the music starts up again.
Annoncer
See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
Stan
Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!
Kyle
Yeah, dude. It looks riveting.
Grandpa starts flipping channels.
Stan
Come on Grandpa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
Grandpa
No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
Stan
Aaawww.
Kyle
[At the same time.] Hunh?
Annoncer
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!
Bob Saget
Hey, I just flew into the studio.
He flaps his right arm like he actually flew in.
Bob Saget
Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh.
Grandpa laughs, but no one in the studio audience is.
Bob Saget
Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.
Only he and Grandpa laugh.
Bob Saget
Knock knock.
The audience stays silent.
Bob Saget
Bob.
Audience is silent.
Bob Saget
Bob Saget..
He chuckles to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some members fall over. Grandpa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a minute or so.
Stan
This guy sucks!
The bell rings and he goes to answer it.
Kyle
Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
Stan opens the door to find Cartman
Stan
Cartman? What the hell are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
Cartman
[Indian music plays.] Native American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people.
He's dressed in Indian clothes (including tassels), with a headband holding three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.
Stan
What??
Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman, and crack up.
Cartman
Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut!
The boys are quiet.
Cartman
Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
Stan
What are you talking about, Cartman?!
Cartman
My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
Stan
Go ahead, dude.
Cartman turns left and leaves to get the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV.
Kyle
Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
Stan
Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!
Bob Saget
Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. [Chuckles.]
Grandpa
Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
Kyle
Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.
They realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile.
UTE Native American Reservation.
Chief Running Water
...And Bear cried to Eagle-
Indian 1
Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
Chief Running Water
What kid?
Indian 1
He claims to be your kid.
Cartman squeezes his way into the campfire circle.
Cartman
Hiya, Dad!
Chief Running Water
Who the hell are you?
Cartman
I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chief Running Water
Your mother?
Cartman
Liane Cartman.
Chief Running Water
Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second. [Suddenly serious.] Look, kid, I'm not your father.
Cartman
But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
Chief Running Water
Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
Cartman
Whatooya mean?
Chief Running Water
She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
Cartman
Huh??
Chief Running Water
Your mom's a slut.
The other Utes on either side of him nod in agreement.
Cartman
Eeyy!!
Chief Running Water
Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.
He flashes back to the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
Chief Running Water
We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.
Chief Running Water
There you are...
Chief Running Water
I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
Liane
Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
Chief Running Water
Whoa, Helloooh!!
They start kissing. A man vomits and passes out.
Liane
[Interrupting the action.] Wait. Wait.
She looks towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back.
Liane
] Who is that?
Some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to everyone. She looks at Chef.
Singing

There you are like a throbbing star-

Now these two focus in on each other.
Liane
Chief... could you excuse me for a minute?
Chief Running Water
Huh??
Liane gets up and leaves.
Chief Running Water
You gotta be kidding me.
Liane
[Approaching Chef.] Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. [Flirts with him gently.]
Chef
Nawh. I'm new in town.
Liane
Well, what's a nice, handsome, black [She looks at his crotch. He follows her gaze.] man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
Chef
I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
Liane
Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to... put your tongue in my mouth?
Chef
Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
Liane
Ahah, I'm plastered! [Tongues come out and they start kissing.]
Cartman
[Alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
Chief Running Water
He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
Cartman
Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
Back in town, the following day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart.
Stan
Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
Kyle
Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
Stan
Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
Kyle
If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
Stan
[With the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth.] Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
Cartman
[With rap beats playing now.] 'S up, homies?
He's dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.
Stan
Cartman?!
Cartman
I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle
You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
Stan
Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
Cartman
[Aloofly.] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian.
Stan and Kyle just look at him.
Cartman
You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad.
He starts to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin'.
Stan
Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.
Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible begins to play.
Kenny
(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
Stan, Kyle
Hold on, Kenny!
Kenny
(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'-
He hits a bump on the road.
Kenny
(AARGH.)
The go-cart returns and goes into the snow.
Kenny
(Goddamn, why-)
He goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits.
Kenny
(Oh this freakin'-)
He hits a boulder.
Kenny
(AARGH.)
The go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny gets up and dusts himself off.
Kenny
(Phew.)
The guys look at him and he waves to them.
Kenny
(Well, I'm fine, guys!)
They smile and wave back.
Kenny
(Now if I can-)
A train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both.
Stan
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
Kyle
You bastards!
Chef's house. Cartman arrives.
Chef
Hello?
Cartman
Yo, Pops!
Chef
[Studying...] Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?
Cartman
You know, jus'... layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
Chef
Get in here! [Drags him in.]
Cartman
Westsa-eed-eh.
Now in the living room with Cartman.
Chef
Take that wig off! [Does it himself.] What's gotten into you?!
Cartman
You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chef
What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
Cartman
He said you kissed her with your tongue.
Chef
Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
Cartman
[Dejected.] Huho. So you're not my dad?
Chef
Of course not. Here. You children sit down,
Chef props him up on a stool.
Chef
...and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.

When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut...he acts like he does, in order to get some action, heheh
The magic starts to happen,
and the two take off their clothes,
that's right,
And they caress and touch each other,
until the part of the man grows,
Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot,
And the man says "I love you" and the woman says "hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom"
So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait...
[Pause.]
...and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiit
And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom
Finally she comes back, and she says,
"Baby, I'm gettin' hot!"
And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of...

Cartman
What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
Chef
Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember.
Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing Liane on the hay stack.
Liane
Whoa, Chef! [He pulls away a bit.] You're so strong!
Jimbo
Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos!
The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of them are "hutt-hutting".
Bronco 1
Are we late for the party?
Bronco 2
What the hell town is this?
Singing

There you are, like a throbbing star. I want-

Liane
Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
Chef
Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
Liane
Woooh! Whooppee!! [She throws her arms out in ecstasy.] Unhh!
A hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the rest of the body up.
Chef
Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
Mr. Garrison
You're drunk, Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting caught. Liane now looks at Mr. Garrison.
Singing

There you are-

Chef
Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
Liane
Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a menage o'three?
Chef
Yeah! When two women are involved. [Moves away.]
Mr. Garrison
Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman.
He moves quickly on top of her and starts kissing her.
Chef
And that's... who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
Cartman
No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
Stan's house that afternoon. He, Kyle, and Grandpa are once again looking at TV
Announcer
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Bob Saget
Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
Cartman
Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
The audience is watching.
Polly
I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all.
The audience starts to laugh.
Cartman
Really? You don't think so?
Clyde
Naw, you're not fat.
Cartman
[Grabs a teacup.] Gee, that's kewl.
The audience is laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and Stan's parents appear.
Sharon
Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
Stan
Huh? [Looks up at them.] Oh yeah.
Randy
Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
Stan
How 'bout some ice cream?
Kyle
Yeah, with butterscotch.
Stan nods in agreement.
Sharon
You bet, you poor dears.
Bob Saget
Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [Drumroll crescendo.] Little Boy's Tea Party.
Kyle
Woohoo!
Stan
Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
Kyle
We're gonna win $10,000! [Grandpa doesn't look pleased...]
Stan
Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully.]
The Bar. Mr. McCormick and Mr. Garrison are at the bar.
Mr. Garrison
Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! [To the barkeep.] Another Cosmo, please.
Cartman barges in throwing the bar doors open.
Cartman
All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!
Mr. Garrison
What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
Cartman
It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
Mr. Garrison
[Gasps.] Oh.
Jimbo
Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison
I am not gay!
Cartman
Then you did sleep with my mom?
Mr. Garrison
No!
Jimbo
He's gay!!
Mr. Garrison
Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?!
Everything stops and gasps are heard.
Mr. Garrison
Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?
Two men at a table look around and get shocked. Principal Victoria and Mayor McDaniels are seen next.
Principal Victoria
Oooooh.
Mayor McDaniels
[At the same time] Hmmm.
Jesus and Father Maxi look shocked as well. No one moves.
Grizzled Man
I haven't.
Mr. Garrison
...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!
Halfy
Oh. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison
So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know.
Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity on him.
Jimbo
[Approaching him.] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean.
A dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and Father Maxi.
Mephesto
Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out.
He is at the bar with his little friend, Kevin.
Cartman
[Turns around.] How?
Mephesto
At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
Cartman
Really? You can? [The dirge turns hopeful.]
Mephesto
Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but...
Cartman
How much?
Mephesto
Three thousand should cover it.
Cartman
I don't have $3000.
Mephesto
Oh. Never mind.
The bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle are waiting.
Stan
Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
Kyle
I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
Cartman
[Depressed.] Hi guys.
Stan
How's it going, Cartman?
Cartman
Oh, fine. How are you guys?
Kyle looks at Stan, both are worried.
Kyle
Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
Cartman
Ohh. Nothing. It's just... nothing.
Stan
Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman
Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but... to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and... I don't have $3000.
Stan
Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
Cartman
Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh...
Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move first.
Cartman
Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.
Kyle
Uuuh, Cartman. We know how you can get $3000.
Cartman
[Suddenly bright.] You do?
Stan
Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and... if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
Cartman
You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
Stan
Uh, yyeah.
Cartman's house that night. The boys are on the sofa.
Announcer
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Cartman
What kind of video did you guys make?
Stan
Uuh, you'll see.
Bob Saget
Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."
Falsetto Bob Saget
Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [The dog picks up a hat and walks towards a man on a chair.] Hahaha. [Leaps up behind the man and drops the hat in place.] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, [Jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera.] hehehahahuh.
The audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is particularly tickled by the video.
Bob Saget
And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party."
Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of his tea party two days before.
Cartman
Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
Polly
Oh, thank you, Eric.
The audience starts to laugh. Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid.
Bob Saget
Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.
Stan
We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money!
Cartman's anger is beginning to build.
Cartman
I... am... so... pissed... off... right... now.
Kyle
[Trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!
Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up.
Kyle
We're gonna win!.
Bob Saget
And finally our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."
Falsetto Bob Saget
Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.
It is the scene where Kenny gets killed. Stan and Kyle are shocked, Cartman is angrier.
Falsetto Bob Saget
Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.]
The go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner, back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks.
Falsetto Bob Saget
Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train.
The train demolishes him.
Falsetto Bob Saget
Ooooh, I sure did.
Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with laughter.
Stan
Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle
You bastards!
Bob Saget
Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh.
The audience continues laughing.
Bob Saget
And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit By A Train,"
Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross.
Bob Saget
Nnnnhnnnhnnnh.
The audience laughs harder.
Stan
Dude. We lost.
Kyle
Dammit!
Cartman
[Slowly, deliberately.] I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously.
Getting more livid with every word.
Bob Saget
Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
Grandpa
I won! I won!
Stan's eyes grow large.
Stan
Grandpa!!
Bob Saget
Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time.
He chuckles as the show ends.
Kyle
Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.
Cartman is very livid now.
Cartman
Kill... you... guys! Kill you guys!!
South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.
Mephesto
All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [Blinks up.], Jimbo [A bit shocked.], Mr. Garrison [Eyebrows up.], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski [Surprised.], myself, my friend Kevin [Looks up at him.], or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.
Stan
Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!
Mephesto
The test results are in this envelope.
Cartman is hopeful.
Mephesto
Shall I... open it?
Mr. Garrison
[Impatiently.] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
Mephesto
Erhum ehrum uh [Gasps.] The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
Announcer
[An organ plays.] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water? [Looks askance.] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto? [Looks around.] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo
Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Announcer
Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo
[Aghast.] Daaagh!
Announcer
Or is Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady
Huh?! Where?!
Announcer
Or could it be Ned?
Ned
Could be.
Announcer
Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle
[Pissed.] Dad, how could you?!
Announcer
Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman
[Record scratches.] What?! [Enunciating] Son of a bitch!
End of Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut


  113: "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanLiane CartmanBob SagetDrunk Barn DanceAmerica's Stupidest Home Videos • "Waitin' On a Women" • "Canon in D" • "There You Are!"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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