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Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut/Script

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The official script for "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut
South Park.
Announcer 2
Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy.
A shot of Cartman chowing down on cookies and milk.
Announcer 1
Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer.
Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added. Then the episode resumes at the laboratory.
Mephesto
And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room.
Cartman
Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices.
Stan
Oooh- hey, Kenny.
Mephesto
Gentlemen, the father is...
The lights go out.
Mr. Garrison
Hey, what the hell's going on?
Jimbo
It's a power outage!
Two gunshots, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down.
Chef
Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady
Oh my God, look!
Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him.
Kenny
(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)
Kyle
You bastards!
Mr. Garrison
Mephesto's been shot.
Everyone gathers around Mephesto.
Chef
Is he ...dead?
Jimbo and Ned stand near a newly broken window.
Jimbo
Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!
Mr. Garrison
Then who was it?
Announcer 1
Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it--
Cartman
Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer 1
Or was it Sheila Broflovski?
Chef
[Listening to Mephesto's chest.] Waait! [Getting up.] He's still breathin'! He's not dead.
Cartman
[Grabbing Mephesto's shirt.] Goddammit! Who's my father?
Chef
[About to lift Mephesto.] We've got to get him to the hospital.
Cartman
You've got to be kidding me!
Chef
Come on, children!
Chef carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows.
Cartman
Eeeehh..!
Gerald Broflovski
Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this.
Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away.
Jimbo
There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.
Mr. Garrison
Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
Announcer 1
Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto.
Cartman
Is he awake yet?
Kyle
[Checking.] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Chef
Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle
What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef
I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to... [Mad at himself.] Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
Stan
Could you pull over so I can get out?
Chef
What? We have to get to the hospital.
Stan
I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals.
Chef
Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?
Kyle
Man, it's really starting to snow.
The scene outside is filled with snow falling as Chef drives by.
Kyle
I hope they don't close the roads.
Cartman
They can't. Mephesto can't die.
Kyle
Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.
Cartman
No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, "Come Sail Away", by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.
Kyle
Really?
Cartman
Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.
Kyle looks at Stan, who looks back. Kyle begins.
Kyle

I'm sailing away...

Cartman
No! Don't!
Kyle

Set an open course for the virgin sea...

Cartman tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong.
Cartman
Eh--
Two short gasps follow, then Cartman races through...
Cartman

For I've got to be free,
Free to face the life that's ahead of me,
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard,
We'll search for tomorrow, on every shore,
And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on,
Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay,
A gathering of angels appeared above my head,
They sang to us this song of hope,
And this is what they said,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

The car passes a sign for Hell's Pass Hospital.
Cartman

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads

Cartman is out of breath, breathing heavily, Chef keeps driving.
Kyle
Whoa, dude!
City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Sharon, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor.
Jimbo
What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!
Sheila
We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.
Sharon
Uh... Where are our children?
They look around.
Mayor McDaniels
Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?
Officer Barbrady
Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking.
A man and his boom mic operator rush in.
Man
Mayor! Mayor!
Mayor McDaniels
[Aside to an aide.] The press is here.
Sid Greenfield
My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted.
Mayor McDaniels
[Amazed.] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
Greenfield
We're desperate for stories.
The boom mic operator thumps him.
Greenfield
A-and this one is so compelling.
Mayor McDaniels
[Aroused.] Really??
Greenfield
Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.
Officer Barbrady
Hey, I thought of something. [Close-up.] Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction.
Mayor McDaniels
Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?
Jimbo
Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi--
Mayor McDaniels
Shh.
Greenfield
We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.
Mayor McDaniels
Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Greenfield
Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman
It is?
Mayor McDaniels
[Thoughtfully.] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!
Greenfield
Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1
Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?
At the Unplanned Parenthood Clinic, it is snowing.
Liane
I want to have... an abortion.
Receptionist
Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...
Liane
Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.
Receptionist
Yes, Ms. Cartman. If you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?
Liane
About eight years ago.
Receptionist
[Processing.] ...I sseee, so the fetus is...
Liane
Eight years old.
Receptionist
Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.
Liane
Really?
Receptionist
Yes, this is what we would refer to as the "fortieth trimester".
Liane
But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
Receptionist
Wuh... But we prefer to abort babies a little- ...earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester.
Liane
Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.
Receptionist
Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.
Liane
[Rises from the chair.] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!
She leaves, meanwhile at the Hell's Pass Hospital, Chef and the children have arrived.
Chef
Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in.]
Stan
[Stops.] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him.]
Kyle
Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.
Cartman
Yeah, stop being a wuss!
Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter.
Chef
Doctor!
Dr. Doctor
One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!
She reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth.
Kyle
Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!
Dr. Doctor
We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son.
She spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end.
Chef
Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
Dr. Doctor
I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan
[Pained.] Oh man. [Grabs his stomach.] I'm gonna be sick.
Dr. Doctor
There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.
Squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side.
Stan
Oogh.
Scraping sounds are now heard.
Nurse
Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.
Stan
Ooooogh.
Dr. Doctor is still driving the syringe.
Dr. Doctor
Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.
Blood starts bursting from the injection site.
Dr. Doctor
Oops, he's hemorrhaging.
A burst lands next to Stan, who is wide-eyed at this point.
Stan
Aghh!
Dr. Doctor
[Plop.] Ooo! His head fell off.
Stan
I'm gotta get outta here!
Kyle
Stan!
Dr. Doctor
Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.
America's Most Wanted temporary set.
Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium.
Mephesto Tryout
And the father of Eric Cartman is... Bang! Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot! [Drops the cane.]
Greenfield
Oh, thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [The actor departs.] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Mister-uhh Garrison.
Assistant
Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
Garrison 1
Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 1
[Just a sock with two purple disks for eyes.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield
Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!
Mr. Garrison
I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield
Thank you! Next!
Mr. Garrison
[Shocked.] What?
Greenfield
Next!
Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters.
Garrison 2
[An actor with a deep voice.] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 2
[A fist with a face drawn on it.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Greenfield
Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs!
Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck. Meanwhile Liane is in bed with her congressman.
Liane
...And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.
O'Reilly
Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.
Liane
But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.
O'Reilly
No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.
Liane
Oh, dear.
Back at the hospital, Mephest is still on the operating table, sedated.
Dr. Doctor
Well, this is about all I can do for him.
Cartman
Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
Dr. Doctor
Sorry, son, it might be a while.
Cartman bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around.
Cartman
Wake up, you son of a bitch!
Chef
Whoa!
Dr. Doctor lowers Cartman from atop Mephesto.
Dr. Doctor
Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.
Cartman
I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
Kyle
Hey, Cartman.
Cartman
What?
Kyle

I'm sailing ay...

Cartman

--way; Set an open course for the virgin sea
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard...

Stan
Okay okay, let's get outta here now!
Cartman

...We'll search for tomorrow on every shore...

Kyle
[Looking out at the snow storm.] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.
Cartman

...And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on...

Dr. Doctor
My God, that's a hell of a storm.
Cartman

I look to the sea; Reflections--
--in the waves spark my memory...

Stan
Oh, weak.
Kenny looks up towards the window.
Cartman

...Some happy, some sad; I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We lived happily forever, so the--

Back at the studio, auditions have ended, Greenfield is looking at the storm.
Greenfield
God, I hate mountains. This better not push back our shooting schedule.
The actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone.
Greenfield
Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it.
Greenfield sees a new actor and turns to his assistant.
Greenfield
Who's that?
Assistant
Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to get him to play the part of the little monkey guy.
Greenfield
Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have you, Eric!
Eric Roberts stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile.
Greenfield
Here we go, aaand action.
Mephesto Actor
I want to announce who the father is.
Greenfield
Bang!!
Mephesto Actor
Oh, I've been shot! [Falls over.]
Barbrady Actor
Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor
My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Mephesto Actor
[As Chef Actor speaks] Whoaw..!
Barbrady Actor
You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.
Chef Actor
Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady Actor
Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.
Officer Barbrady
Whoa, this is a good movie!
Back at the hospital.
Cartman

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee

The boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.
Stan
Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
The doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse, a blonde is bleeding from a gash on her neck.
Blonde
Doctor, I can't focus!
Dr. Doctor
We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly.
She tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold.
Chef
Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor
Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.
Everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts.
Dr. Doctor
Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Cartman
What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
Dr. Doctor
He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out.
Bzht. Everything goes black.
Dr. Doctor
Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars.
Voice-over
Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your host, John Walsh.
John Walsh
Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [His picture appears.] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this heinous crime [The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen.] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case.
A reenactment plays.
Mephesto Actor
[Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!
Garrison Actor
[Catches him.] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
Mr. Hat Actor
Right away, Mr. Garrison.
Eric Roberts as Kevin
No, no! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
Greenfield
What the--? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvising lines again!
Chef Actor
I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
Eric Roberts
This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want--
Greenfield
God-dammit!
Outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt.
Greenfield
What the hell is this?!
Cameraman
We've lost the feed to L.A.
John Walsh
Uuuhm... We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Announcer 1
Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
Greenfield
Somebody go see why we lost the hookup!
The doors fly open and snow is swept in.
Jimbo
Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
Back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around.
Nurse Goodly
Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.
Dr. Doctor
[Opening the operating room doors wide.] Nurse, I could use some help in here!
Goodly
Coming!
Cartman stands in her way stopping her.
Cartman
Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
Goodly
Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
Dr. Doctor
Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!
She looks at him and glares.
Dr. Doctor
Oh, sorry.
Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him.
Liane
Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.
Governor
[Smoking.] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm.
He edges closer to her.
Liane
I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh-- Oh, I just don't know...
Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor
Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
Chef
What do you want me to do?
Dr. Doctor
Do you know anything about surgery?
Chef
I used to watch Quincy.
Dr. Doctor
What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.
Stan
No way, dude!
America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, Jimbo opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him.
Jimbo
Well, [Opens his right eye.] we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
Greenfield
We're snowed in?
Mayor McDaneils
Yes. We're trapped!
Mr. Garrison
[Snuggling up to Greenfield.] Like sailors on a submarine.
Mayor McDaniels
My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
Assistant
Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Officer Barbrady
Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [Rubs his belly.]
Jimbo
I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.
Everyone is now focused on Jimbo.
Jimbo
Our only option might be to... eat each other to stay alive.
Gasps are heard all around.
Greenfield
Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
Jimbo
That's a lot of lead, Mr. Director. I don't eat pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
Mayor McDaniels
Buut, how do we decide "who"?
Jimbo
Well, we draw straws.
Greenfield
Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?
Jimbo
Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Greenfield
Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
Announcer 1
Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar--
Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.
Dr. Doctor
Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows.] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [He withdraws.] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
Stan
No.
Dr. Doctor
Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.
Stan
[Queasily.] Oh boy.
The doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask.
Stan
Bleech!
The vomit goes right into the open incision.
Kyle
Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
Cartman
Sweet.
Dr. Doctor
Suction!
Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup.
Cartman
Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
Announcer 1
Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman
[To Kenny.] That is really starting to piss me off.
America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws.
Jimbo
Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [Draws.] Whew.
Mr. Garrison
[Draws] Whew.
Sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself.
Officer Barbrady
Wooo!
Jimbo
Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady
The short what?
Jimbo
Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Barbrady
That's not how I played it!
Mr. Garrison
Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling.
Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor
I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.
Chef
So how do we get to it?
Dr. Doctor
We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
Kenny is stunned. The doctor pats his head.
Dr. Doctor
Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct.
Dr. Doctor points it out to him on the map.
Dr. Doctor
Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [Points to it.] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here.
He points to an area between the holding area and the generator.
Dr. Doctor
Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman
Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor
Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny
(Huh?)
The studio.
Mr. Garrison
I... can't... go on... eh. So... hungry...
Mayor McDaniels
We're all going to die in this horrible place. [She covers her eyes.]
Jimbo
We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
Greenfield
How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
Jimbo
There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor.]
Mayor McDaniels
[Thoughtfully.] Yes, of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
Mr. Garrison
[Madly] Eat Eric Roberts!
The rest of the group goes mad, Ned gets up and everyone prepares to do him in.
Eric Roberts
No! No, please!
Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse.
Mayor McDaniels
Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating.] We're cannibals. [Someone burps.] God save us.
Jimbo
God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!
Assistant
[Coolly.] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.
Greenfield
[Miffed.] Aaww.
Mr. Garrison
This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.
Jimbo
What time is it, Barbrady?
Barbrady
It's almost midnight.
Mr. Garrison
Oh! I can't... go on. [Drops to his side.]
Jimbo
We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.
Greenfield
What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
The hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator.
Dr. Doctor
Team B? Come in, Team B.
Kenny
(This is Team B.)
Dr. Doctor
Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Kenny
(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
Dr. Doctor
Oh... Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
Kenny
(Yup! I see it in the drift.)
Dr. Doctor
Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
Cartman
What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?
Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them.
The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs.
Mayor McDaniels
My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo
It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who.
Announcer 1
Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.
Kenny
(Okay, I've reached the generator)
Dr. Doctor
Roger, Team B. [To Team A.] He's reached the backup generator. [To Kenny.] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
Kenny
(Roger.)
Dr. Doctor
Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
Kenny
(Negative.)
Dr. Doctor
Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
Kyle
D'you have any wire here?
Dr. Doctor
There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
Kenny
(I'll stick 'em together)
Dr. Doctor
No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
Kyle
No, he'll die!
Cartman
Go, Kenny!
Dr. Doctor
Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
Kenny
(Goodbbyyyyee-ugh!)
Stan
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle
You bastard!
The lights stabilize.
Chef
The power!
Dr. Doctor
Quickly! Get the scanner running again!
The scanner is brought in.
Dr. Doctor
We've got a chance now!
The White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.
President Bill Clinton
Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
Liane
[Relieved and joyful.] Oh, thank you, thank you.
Clinton
We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen.]
Liane
[Pulls back.] Terminated?
Clinton
Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
Liane
Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
Clinton
Adoption?
Liane
Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
Clinton
Well, that's- pretty different.
Liane
Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President.
She quickly leaves the bed. Now to a Colorado sunrise.
Dr. Doctor
Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
Mephesto
[Coming to.] Where... where am I?
Chef
You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but--
Mephesto
Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
Chef
Ooohhh.
Dr. Doctor
Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
Chef
He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.
Stan
He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
Kyle
He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
Cartman
Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop.
Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare.
Stan
[To Kyle.] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?
Kyle
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Ave Maria" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Mr. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then...
Mr. Garrison
Ohh. It's over! We're free!
Officer Barbrady
Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
Jimbo
Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
Mayor McDaniels
But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
Ned
Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
Singer
[A la Aaron Neville]

Ave Maria...

[The camera pulls back, and back...]
Mr. Garrison
Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag. Does anybody else want some?
The hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos.
Mephesto
I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life--
Cartman
Just tell us already!
Mephesto
Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing--
Cartman
[Boiling.] Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!
Mephesto
Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman. [All gasp.]
Chef
What???
Liane
[Back with her cookies.] Yes, it's true.
Mr. Garrison
Noo, that doesn't make sense!
Mephesto
Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [She looks guilty.]
Mr. Garrison
Uh-meaning what?
Mephesto
Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
Liane
It's true.
Chef
You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!
Mephesto
No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.
Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked.
Mephesto
The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Cartman
Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
Stan
Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
Liane
I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.
Eric and Stan look up at her.
Liane
I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you.
Cartman
Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
Mephesto
Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
Cartman
No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my mom?!
Announcer 1
Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
Cartman
Ooohhh, forget it!
End of Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut


  202: "Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut" edit
Story Elements

Eric CartmanLiane CartmanDr. Alphonse MephestoEric RobertsAmerica's Most Wanted • "Come Sail Away" • "Ave Maria"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Second Season

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