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Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride/Script

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The official script for "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

Script

Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
Bus Stop.
Kyle
Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.
A dog walks up to the boys.
Stan
Hiya, Sparky.
Kyle
[Looking.] Who's that?
Stan
That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
Kyle
Wow! Cool!
Stan
Good boy, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?
Cartman
Eh. You're making me sick, dude.
Stan
He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
Cartman
No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
Sylvester
Arrrrrr.
Stan
He's not meaner than Sparky.
Cartman
Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester.
Sylvester comes over.
Stan
Sparky'll kick his ass.
Cartman
I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
Kyle
You're on, dude.
Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl.
Stan
That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!
Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked.
Cartman
Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan
Sparky, bad dog!
Kenny
(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)
Stan
What?!
Cartman
Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.
Stan
What do you mean?
Cartman
That dog is a gay homosexual.
looks back to study the situation, then...
Stan
He's just confused.
Kyle
I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
Kenny
(No, check his penis.)
Kyle smiles.
Stan
Sick, shut up dude.
Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away.
Cartman

Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.

The bus pulls up.
Football Field, sideline before school.
Chef
Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.
Kyle
Who's Middle Park?
Cartman
What's homecoming?
Chef
But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [Silence.] Now, let's start practice.
Chef blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field.
Pip Pirrup
Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef
Yes Pip, what is it?
Pip
Well, I still don't have a helmet.
Chef
I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.
Pip
Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?
Chef
Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.
Pip
Oh.
Chef
Sorry son, now get your ass in there.
Out on the playing field.
Stan
Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
Chef
[Impatiently.] Hike the damn ball!
Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.
Pip
Aaaaaaaargh!
Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo
Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?
Chef
[Distracted.] Huh? Oh fine, fine.
Jimbo
I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.
Chef
Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo
That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
Chef
I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?
Jimbo
Middle Park by 70 points.
Chef
Hmmm.
They look towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball.
Chef
I don't think we have a chance.
Jimbo
Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. [Yells.] Right Stanley?
Stan turns to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes.
Stan
Huh?
The ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle.
Jimbo
Thatta boy.
Chef
Great pass Stan.
Jimbo
Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie.
On sideline after practice.
Chef
Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
Kyle
Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
Stan
Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.
Clyde
Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
Stan
Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your-
Sees Sparky lunge after Rex.
Stan
Sparky, get down!
Clyde
Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
Cartman
There he goes again.
Stan
Get down Sparky! Down!
Cartman
Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
Clyde
Make him stop!
Rex moves away with his tail between his legs.
Rex
Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
Fosse and Bill pass by laughing.
Fosse McDonald
I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
Bill Allen
Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Fosse
Gay dog.
The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting.
Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Start of school.
Cartman
...And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Mr. Garrison
Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a "D-".
Cartman
Ah, dammit!
Mr. Garrison
Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat
Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
Mr. Garrison
Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.
Stan
Um, I'm not really prepared either.
Mr. Garrison
Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
Stan
Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-
Mr. Garrison
Excellent. "A-".
Cartman
Eeyy!
Stan
Wow, cool!
Cartman
Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?
Mr. Garrison
Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.
Cartman
That's not fair!
Mr. Hat
Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.
Cartman
Stupid puppet.
Dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison
Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
As everyone is leaving.
Stan
Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
Mr. Garrison
Well of course Stanley, what is it?
Stan
What's a - homosexual?
Mr. Garrison
Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.
Stan sits.
Mr. Garrison
Stanley, gay people... well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Stan
I guess.
Mr. Garrison
Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.
Bus stop. The boys get off the bus.
Cartman
You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass.
Kyle
You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.
Cartman
Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.
Stan
Shut up dude!
Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on.
Stan
Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Sparky
Bark, bark.
Cartman
Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.
Stan
He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky.
Sparky sits.
Stan
Good boy, now shake.
Sparky shakes.
Stan
Goood boy. Now, don't be gay.
Waiting for the command to sink in.
Stan
Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay.
Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls.
Kyle
Did it work?
Stan
I don't know.
Cartman
He still looks pretty gay to me.
Bill
Huh, huh.
Fosse
Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?
Bill
Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [They laugh.] Stupid little gay dog.
Fosse
Gay dog.
Stan
Come on you guys, I have an idea.
Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well.
Jimbo
I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
Bookie
Are you crazy?
Jimbo
No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
Gambler 1
I want to put all my money on the Cows.
Gambler 2
Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too.
Gambler 3
Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.
Female Gambler 1
I got 500 on the Cows.
Female Gambler 2
Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.
Jimbo
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...
Gambler 4
You better be right about this Jimbo.
Jimbo
Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.
Ned
Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo
Well not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?
Bookie
You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
Ned
I love that song.
Jimbo
'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.
In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.
Stan
Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-
Stan notices a pink scarf on Sparky.
Stan
Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!
He grabs the scarf.
Stan
No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi.
The crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out.
Kyle
Ooh-la-la.
Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her.
Cartman
There he goes.
Stan
Atta boy Spark, get her.
Sparky climbs atop Fifi.
Stan
Yes!
Sparky pulls Fifi's collar off and into the air, catching it around his neck.
Stan
Ah crap! Now what do I do?
Kyle
Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
Cartman
No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France.
Kenny
(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)
Stan
I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
Kyle
Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.
Stan
Like who?
Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV.
TV Announcer
And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Jesus Christ
Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Robert
Yeah, is, is this Jesus?
Jesus
Yes my son.
Robert
This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
Jesus
Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert
Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since- I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.
Jesus
Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Stan
Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.
Jesus
My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-
The station's logo pops up.
TV Announcer
That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
Stan
Damn it!
Kyle
What'd he say?
Stan
I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
Cartman
Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!
Stan
Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle
Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
Stan
No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!
Outside, Sparky overhears this.
Stan
I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!
Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone.
On the sideline at practice.
Chef
Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts.] Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.]

Just like makin' sweet love to the football.
Feelin' naughty with the football.
Mmmm.

Kyle
Uh, Chef?
Chef

Spank it, ever so gently.

Kyle
Chef.
Chef

Spank it.

Kyle
Chef!
Chef
Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.
Pip
Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef
No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
Pip
Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
Chef
That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
Pip
No um, I guess not.
Carl's Bomb's And Explosives and Accessories.
Jimbo
What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
Carl
What moment would that be?
Jimbo
Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.
Carl
What high F?
Jimbo
You know,

Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah.

Carl
Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?
Jimbo
No, dammit! The Aaaaah.
Carl
Aaaaahh.
Ned
Aaaaahh.
Jimbo
Aaaaahh.
Carl
Aaaaahh.
Jimbo
Great, we...
Carl
Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
Ned
Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo
You got it...
Carl
Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
Ned
aaa - dooo
Jimbo
Aaaaahh.
Carl
Alright, yeah, okay...
On the sideline at practice.
Chef
What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
Stan
I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
Chef
Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
Coming up to see what's the matter.
Mr. Garrison
Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef
Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison
What do you mean?
Chef
Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison
What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.
Chef
Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison
I just act that way to get chicks, dumb-ass.
Chef looks puzzled, wondering.
On the field.
Kyle runs up from behind.
Kyle
What's the matter dude?
Stan
I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
Cartman
Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him.] Ow!
Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al
Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.
Sparky looks at him.
Big Gay Al
Have you been outcast?
Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al
Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?
Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al
Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.
Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up.
Stan
Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
Kyle
Wow, it's been like two days.
Stan
I think he might've run away.
Cartman
Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him.] Ow!
Kyle
We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
Stan
I'm not playing.
Kyle
You what?!
Stan
I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [Leaves.]
Middle Park Elementary School.
Jimbo
[Whispering.] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned
[Louder.] Okay.
They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse.
Jimbo
Hello there, Enrique.
Ned
What are we doing here?
Jimbo
Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead.
Jimbo puts the bomb on Enrique's back.
Jimbo
And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", Boom!
Enrique gets wide-eyed.
Jimbo
No more Middle Park players.
Enrique starts to tremble.
Ned
Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
Jimbo
[Laughs.] God damn, I love football!
Stormy mountains.
Stan
Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
South Park Elementary.
The Middle Park Cowboys exit the bus.
Cowboys
Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.
Frank Hammond
Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.
Pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines.
Frank
Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
Chef
[Between his teeth.] Oohh, come on Stan.
Pip
Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
Chef
No Pip, I'm sorry!
Stormy mountains.
Stan
Sparky! Sparky!
South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin.
Referee
Play ball.
Chef
You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
Kyle
But I never practiced quarterback.
Chef
It's a little late for that bull-crap now.
Frank
Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski.
Mr. Garrison
Heyhey, where is little Stanley?
Mr. Hat
Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
Jimbo
Ned, look.
Middle Park's mascot, Enrique, is shown.
Jimbo
They've got Enrique on their sidelines, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
Ned
Yay.
Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al
Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
Stan
Fine, how are you?
Big Gay Al
I'm super, thanks for asking.
Stan
My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
Big Gay Al
Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. [They enter.]
Stan
D'you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al
We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.
Gay Lion
Rooaar.
Big Gay Al
And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
Stan
Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
Big Gay Al
Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance?
They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail.
Vocalist

Oww, we can both be gay!

In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss.
Kyle
Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!
Huddle
Break!
At the line of scrimmage.
Cowboy 1
You guys are toast.
Cowboy 2
Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
Cartman
We'll just see about that.
Kyle
Set, set.
Cartman farts long and nasty right into Kyle's face. Kyle quickly retreats.
Kyle
Damn it Cartman!
Chef
What's the matter?
Kyle
Cartman farted!
Cartman
No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
Chef
Come on Kyle. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
Kyle
No way dude!
Chef
Hike! The! Ball!
Kyle is back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.
Kyle
Ah, dude, weak.
Cartman
That's right, you get back there.
Kyle
Hut.
Frank
The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes.
Screaming as Kyle is tackled.
Frank
Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.
Jimbo
Hell's bells.
Frank
Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
Phil quickly covers the mic.
Phil
Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
Frank
Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
Townsman 1
We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
Jimbo
Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, heheh.
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Dance Floor.
Vocalist

...both be gay.

Dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky.
Stan
Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
Sparky
Ruff.
Stan
I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
Sparky
Barr.
Stan
Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.
Sparky follows Stan.
Stan
We can work on making you not gay together.
Sparky stops and sits.
Stan
Sparky?
Big Gay Al
Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
Stan
What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al
Come this way, I have to show you something.
South Park Football Field, second quarter.
Frank
With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
Kyle
Hut, hut.
Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball.
Frank
Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
Muffling Frank.
Phil
Dude! Now that is not cool.
Frank
Sorry, sorry.
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
Big Gay Al
Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.
Stan looks at the boat.
Big Gay Al
Step aboard, Stanley.
He and Sparky step aboard the boat.
Big Gay Al
Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show.
Frank
And the South Park Cows are set to receive...
The Cowboys kick off.
Frank
There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.
Kenny weaves through the special teams.
Frank
He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
Cowboys
Hold him, hold him!
Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms.
Cowboys
Hold him, hold him!
Cowboy
Yaaah!
A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.
Frank
The little running back is down. I think he's...
Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.
Frank
Yes, he's been decapitated.
Kyle
[Gasp.] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
Phil
Hah, that's gotta hurt, Frank.
Frank
How true!
Chef
Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field.
Frank
Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
The boat-ride begins the passage through several animatronic scenes.
Big Gay Al
You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.
The tips of the Japanese soldiers' swords touch.
Big Gay Al
Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!
Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his pistol.
Big Gay Al
Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.
Doors open to reveal a scene reminiscent of 'It's a Small World.'
Boat Ride Singers

We're all gay, and it's okay,
'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay.
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.
It's okay, hey, to be gay!

Big Gay Al
Sooo, what do you think Stan?
Still singing.

...It's okay to be gay...

Stan
This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand.
Still singing.

It's okay to be gay. Shalala Waylaylay Shalala Waylaylay It's okay to be gay.

Big Gay Al
[To himself.] Isn't this precious?
South Park Football Field. Halftime.
Frank
And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamo-...s' brother...
Jimbo
Alright Richard!
Music starts up.
Richard Stamos

Loving you,
is easy cause you're beautiful,
-doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--
Aaaaa!

His voice cracks and the music stops.
Richard

Aaaaa!

Jimbo
What the hell?!
Richard

Aaaaa!

His voice wavers.
Jimbo
He didn't sing the high F.
Mr. Garrison
Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.
Jimbo
Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.
Richard

Lalalalala lalalalala lalalalala lala la la lala...

Mr. Garrison
[Heckling.] It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Stan
Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
Sparky
Ruff!
Big Gay Al
No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
Stan
No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!
They start to walk off.
Big Gay Al
Oh Stan?
They stop.
Big Gay Al
When you get back to town,
Earnest music plays.
Big Gay Al
...tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
Stan
I will Big Gay Al, I will.
They depart.
Bell dings.
Big Gay Al
Ooh, my carrot cake! [Rushes inside.]
South Park Football Field, fourth quarter.
Kyle
Hike!
Frank
And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...
Mr. Garrison
I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.
Mr. Hat
Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.
Townsman
You're a dead man Jimbo.
A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.
Frank
Well, this should just about wrap it up for-
Stan and Sparky come on to the field.
Frank
Wait a minute, what's this?
Jimbo
Yeah!!!
Crowd Member
Yohooooh.
Frank
It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
Chef
Where the hell have you been Stan?!
Stan
I've been getting my best friend back.
Chef
Just get in there boy!
Jimbo
Give 'em hell Stanley!
Stan takes his place on the field as Jimbo looks to the heavens, and prays aloud to himself.
Jimbo
Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
In the first row of the stands.
Jesus
Leave me alone.
Stan
Hike!
Frank
Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
Kyle
Hey Stan, Ah- I'm open, I think.
Stan
Mph.
Stan throws the ball.
Frank
And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.
Kyle
Oof.
runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.
Frank
Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
Frank recoils.
Phil
Dude!
The crowd cheers as Kyle scores.
Frank
Touchdown!
Jimbo
Yeah!
Mr. Garrison
Wooo!
Frank
The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!
Swats his mic away.
Jimbo
Yeah! Woohoo!
Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard.
Townsman
Speech!
Frank
Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
Stan
Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
Crowd
Yeah, alright!
Stan
And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd
Weoooow!
Stan
And it's okay to be gay!
The crowd falls silent.
Jimbo
What?!
Stan
Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
Mr. Garrison
What the hell is he talking about?
Frank
Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
Stan
I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.
The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief.
Stan
It's true, I'll show you.
At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen.
Stan
But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club.
Cartman
Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.
The missing animals suddenly appear.
Townswoman
Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago.
Townsperson 1
Sidney!
Townsperson 2
Willy!
Townsperson 3
Carlos!
Suddenly at Stanley's side.
Big Gay Al
I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
Stan
Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
Big Gay Al
I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.
He pops his suitcase open and climbs into it.
Big Gay Al
Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.
He presses a button, and the suitcase closes.
Stan
Wow!
The suitcase flies off.
Richard
You guys, you guys! I can do it.
Mr. Garrison
Do what?
Richard

Loving you,
is easy cause you're beautiful,
doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo

Jimbo
No!
Richard

Aaah.

Enrique
Mroo-
BOOM!
End of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride


  104: "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride " edit
Story Elements

Big Gay AlStan Marsh • "It's Okay to Be Gay" • "Now You're a Man" • "Loving You" • "Loving the Football" • Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal SanctuarySports BookRichard Stamos

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete First Season

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