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Bass to Mouth/Script

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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Craig Tucker
  • Token Black
  • Timmy Burch
  • Tammy Nelson
  • Emily Anderson
  • Jenny Simon
  • Boy 1
  • Principal Victoria
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Mr. Adler
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mrs. Melman
  • Nurse Bronski
  • Frog King
  • Sparrow Prince
  • Catatafish
  • Vernon and his mom
  • Selena Gomez
  • Singers

Script

[South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Butters walks with Kenny, Stan and Kyle are at their lockers, and Cartman comes into view at the far end of the hallway]
Cartman: YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys! [runs up to Butters, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle] You're never gonna guess what! [stands among them] Seriously you guys, guess what??
Stan: What?
Cartman: You guys, you know Pete Melman? [no one answers] Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class?
Kyle: The blond kid?
Cartman: Yeah yeah, Pete Melman!
Stan: What about him?
Cartman: He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans! [begins to cackle]
Kyle: [angry] How do you know?!
Cartman: Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper!
Butters: Eavesdropper?
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper? [whips out an iPhone and starts looking for the Eavesdropper article] It's a Web site about all the students in the school! [The web site screams "Exclusive! Pete Melman Craps Pants At School!" at you. Part of the page has a picture of Pete on there, with a 'play' button to play a recording]
Clyde: [appears at the far end of the hallway] Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants! [runs off to tell others]
Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys! [gets back to his phone] Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom. [touches the 'play' button] Just listen, listen listen.
Nurse Bronski: Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident. [Cartman snickers quietly]
Mrs. Melman: Oh no, what is it? Is he okay?
Stan: Turn it up. [Cartman obliges]
Nurse Bronski: No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class. [Cartman grins big, Butters grins a little, Kyle is a little disgusted] I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks.
Craig: Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?
Cartman: Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it! [laughs. Craig moves on]
Kyle: Dude, that's so wrong!
Butters: [moves off] Hey! Pete Melmman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies!
Cartman: Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, "Poopypants Pete", but th- but then I also thought of "Mushpants Melman."
Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you.
Cartman: Oh Jesus, what now?! [goes to the office]
[Principal's office, faculty room. Cartman sits at one end of the faculty table while Principal Victoria sits at the other end, flanked by Mr. Mackey on her right and Mr. Adler on her left. The clock reads 2:03 p.m.]
Principal Victoria: Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom.
Cartman: Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny! [slaps the table and laughs]
Principal Victoria: Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying.
Cartman: Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me.
Principal Victoria: Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him?
Cartman: [smiles] Yeah, he killed himself.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, [points] spearheaded by you, cause him-!
Cartman: Hey! Whoooa.
Mr. Mackey: Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out.
Cartman: 'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone!
Mr. Adler: Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete.
Principal Victoria: Please just let it go.
Cartman: You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?!
Mr. Mackey: We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it!
Cartman: Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants.
Principal Victoria: [stands up and walks to the window, then looks out] Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around.
Cartman: [scoff] Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done!
Principal Victoria: If Pete Melman does not kill himself, [turns around] we will make it very worth your while.
Cartman: You aren't listing to anythin- [checks himself] Make it worth my while how?
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway again. Must be a rainy day, as some of the kids are eating lunches in the hall. Butters, Craig, and Stan walk towards the camera, with Craig looking at his iPhone. The three are laughing. Kyle appears and approaches them]
Stan: No way.
Kyle: What's up?
Stan: The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper!
Kyle: Dude, that's fucked up.
Stan: Come on dude, it's pretty funny.
Kyle: It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see??
Stan: Yeah dude, that's pretty funny.
Butters: It's megasuperhilarious! [a girl is putting her books away when Cartman approaches her]
Cartman: Uh, hey Jenny. Sup?
Jenny: What do you want?!
Cartman: Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh?
Jenny: [gets her bag lunch, closes her locker and walks away] Yeah, it's gross! [Cartman stands by her locker for a moment, then catches up to her]
Cartman: So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Eh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes. [takes out a box of cupcakes from his backpack]
Jenny: [unimpressed] So what?
Cartman: I was just thinkin' that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of... [gulps] liked you.
Jenny: I don't like you!
Cartman: I know. Ah I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake? [getting uncomfortable, he puts the cupcake in the box and the box away in his back pack] Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time. [walks quickly away]
Jenny: Hey. Wait. [Cartman stops and Jenny catches up] Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes.
[Fourth grade, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids have all taken their seats. Mr. Garrison is going over a test on sea life.]
Mr. Garrison: And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals. [Jenny gets a sharp pain in her stomach]
Jenny: Oh! Gahhh. Ohf.
Mr. Garrison: They're not fish like some of you retards chose.
Cartman: [concerned, while Mr. Garrision is talking] You okay, Jenny?
Jenny: Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh! [can't stand it much longer] M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please [winces] be excused?
Cartman: Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class. [Jenny moans even more]
Mr. Garrison: What's the matter?
Jenny: Gah I just need to go to the restroom!
Mr. Garrison: Well okay.
Cartman: Ah, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class.
Jenny: Please! I've gotta go now!
Cartman: Well just, give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp.
Jenny: [leaves her seat] No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH! [lets out a wet fart]
Class: Eeeeww! [Jenny can't hold it in. Bebe and Stan leave their seats while Cartman stands on his desk]
Cartman: Oh my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! [Millie, Token, and Wendy leave] Did you hear that?! [Kyle and Clyde leave] It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was!
Kids: Ew!
Butters: Sick!
Cartman: WAY worse!
Timmy: Run. [Jenny begins to bawl]
[Principal's office faculty lounge. Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey have gathered again to meet with Cartman. Silence fills the room]
Principal Victoria: ...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis.
Cartman: Alright, kewl.
Mr. Mackey: [shoots back] No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life!
Cartman: You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simon crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper! [shows them the story on his iPhone]
Principal Victoria: [shoving her chair aside. It falls to the floor] That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off!
Cartman: Mobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die!
The three adults: Yes!
Cartman: Jesus Christ! [thinks hard] Okay, okay. [squeezes his eyes shut, puts his hands over them, removes the right hand] Um, Jesus- [removes the left hand] ah... Okay, look. [the adults lean in a bit] Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those?
Mr. Mackey: Our students did average, maybe just below average.
Cartman: Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you... [turns his head left for a moment, still hasn't opened his eyes] you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved. [Victoria, Adler, and Mackey just stare at him]
Principal Victoria: That's insane!
Cartman: Okay, well if you have a better idea, then why am I here? [Mr. Adler looks at Principal Victoria, Principal Victoria looks at Mr. Mackey, Mr. Mackey places a call.]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah no they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay.
[The school hallway, day. Butters, Craig and Stan are laughing at another Eavesdropper headline as Kyle rounds the corner behind them. Kyle walks up to them]
Stan: Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simon's boyfriend calling her "soft-serve Simon."
Kyle: That's not funny.
Craig: Hey, here's a post about Token: "Token Black's Private Gym Photos" [laughs]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] I'm not looking at that!
Stan: Come on, dude, it's pretty funny!
Kyle: It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you!
Stan: I wouldn't care.
Craig: Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack.
Stan: What?
Craig: "In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'."
Stan: [sees Kenny and walks up to him at his locker] Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?!
Kenny: (What?)
Stan: How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?!
Kenny: (I don't know.)
Stan: Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?!
Kenny: (No!)
Stan: That was a private e-mail from me to you! [notices a pissed-off Wendy approaching] Hey Wendy.
Wendy: You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!
Kenny: (Oh fuck I'm gettin' out of here!) [closes his locker and leaves]
Stan: No, I was telling Kenny he would like it.
Wendy: Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! [Stan leans away a bit]
Stan: Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this.
Wendy: So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?! [Stan stays silent]
[South Park Elementary Library. Stan has convened a meeting of some of his classmates and is now at the podium]
Stan: This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all! [The others present are Red, Kenny, Butters, Craig (looking at his iPhone), Wendy, Kyle, Bebe, and Token. Kyle raises his hand] Yes, Kyle.
Kyle: So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right?
Stan: Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?!
Wendy: Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack. [Butters laughs at Wendy's wisecrack in a weird way]
Stan: Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room! [the other eight look at each other] Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch! [pounds the podium with his fists] And we're not gonna-!
Craig: [reading off his iPhone] It's not somebody in this room.
Stan: What? How do you know?
Craig: Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: "Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker." [laughs] Yeah. Hey wait, that's me.
Kyle: Where is it coming from?
Craig: Huh?
Kyle: If it's on the school network we can track the IP address. [takes Craig's iPhone and sets about tracing the IP address. The kids head into the hallway and pass by the music room] This way. In here. [they stop at the music room door] Whoever it is using the computer in the music room.
Stan: We only have music class on Thursday.
Wendy: Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know.
Kyle: Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?!
Stan: Oh I'm ready!
Kyle: One. [Stan makes fists and tenses up] Two. Three! [opens the door and the nine kids run in, but they're all surprised at what they see. It's a gerbil typing away into the Eavesdropper Web site. This week on Spee: Jenny Simons Still On Suicide Watch]
Craig: It's a rat! [the gerbil noticed them and runs away]
Kyle: Get it! [the kids give chase. Craig and Kyle run into each other and fall trying to get the gerbil. Bebe and Token fall giving chase]
Stan: Don't let him get away!
Token: He's gone!
Stan: What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper?
Kyle: Wikileaks. [Kyle is now at the computer looking at the login screen] It says here his name is Wikileaks.
[A boy's bedroom, full of panda stuff. On the boy's desk is a cage with a gerbil in it - Lemmiwinks. He runs in his wheel for a while, then steps off it for a sip of water. When he's done, the Frog King appears before him]
Frog King: Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails. [Lemmiwinks makes some noises] Yes. And I'm afraid the news is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks!
Singer: ''Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.
Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaks
Of Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks...
Frog King: Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks.
Singer: Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom!
[South Park Elementary, hallway. Two girls chat by some lockers]
Girl 1: It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab?
Girl 2: It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too. [above them, Wikileaks is recording everything they say]
Emily: Really? You too?
Girl 2: That's just between us, okay?
Emily: Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you. [Stan and his gang spot Wikileaks]
Stan: Stop that rat! [Wikileaks jumps off the lockers and runs for the computer lab]
[The Computer Lab, moments later. Wikileaks jumps onto the first computer he sees, logs in, and starts typing in his latest headline: "TAMMY NELSON AND JEN MARX 'HELP!' OUR MOMS ARE VICIOUS DRUNKS!¡" The gang catches up to Wikileaks]
Stan: Knock it off! [Wikileaks hops off and heads for the nearest air vent, and makes his escape]
[The school library. A boy is typing into his iPhone]
Boy 1: I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and- [Wikileaks runs by and snatches the phone away in his teeth] HEY! [Wikileaks runs to the nearest computer, logs in, and types in the latest headline: "TOMMY EDWARDS HAS A CRUSH ON MARLA WATKINS" Butters looks in and spots Wikileaks. Wikileaks notices him]
Butters: NO Wikileaks! Bad!
[The school cafeteria, at that moment. In the kitchen Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, Cartman, and Mr. Mackey add Ease-Lax laxatives to the pizzas just brought in from Pizza Hut]
Cartman: Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm.
Mr. Mackey: Eh, Is this one good?
Cartman: Yeah, I think they're all ready.
Principal Victoria: You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza?
Cartman: It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever.
Mr. Mackey: Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us.
Cartman: Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?! [leaves the preparation table and faces them] I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now!
Mr. Mackey: Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler. [Mr. Adler leaves, then returns with a grinning Selena Gomez]
Cartman: Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You [gasp] you actually got her to come! [grins]
Selena Gomez: Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together?
Cartman: No thanks. Okay, proceed.
Mr. Mackey: I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez. [Mr. Mackey punches her on the stomach twice. Cartman is awed, then smiles. Principal Victoria then smashes Gomez on the head with a baking tray] Alright, get her the fuck out of here. [Mr. Adler hauls Ms. Gomes away.]
Principal Victoria: Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight?
Cartman: That. Was. Amazing.
Mr. Mackey: Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here! [they hear some small gerbil sounds] What the? [notices Likiweaks on a shelf recording the action] Oh shit! [Wikiweaks runs away] Stop that rat!
[The boy's bedroom, day. Lemmiwinks is back in his wheel, exercising]
Frog King: Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny. [The Sparrow Prince flies in through the open window and lands on the upper edge of the gerbil cage] Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring?
Sparrow Prince: Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment. [jumps down into the cage] The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet.
Frog King: Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him.
Sparrow Prince: Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother?
Frog King: I thank God I don't have to make that decision. [the two of them then just observe Lemmiwinks.] We might need to bring in some outside help.
[Back in the music room, Stan is on the computer as the other eight kids look on]
Stan: You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon.
Butters: Biggest story about who?
Craig: There's no telling. It could be about any of us. [Stan gets off the computer and notices something happening above him as a blinding light appears. The light softens to reveal the Catatafish]
Catatafish: Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish.
Singers: Catatafish of the Salmon School.
Kyle: What?
Catatafish: I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner.
Stan: Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil?
Kyle: What is that thing?
Catatafish: I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish.
Singers: Catatafish's tale will soon be told.
Stan: Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet?
Catatafish: He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault?
Singers: Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.
Catatafish: No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again!
Kyle: Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat!
Catatafish: Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it.
[The faculty restroom. Principal Victoria looks outside to make sure there's no one or nothing around, then closes the door and locks it. Mr. Mackey checks behind the mirrors for bugs while Mr. Adler checks the stalls]
Principal Victoria: Alright, are we sure we're alone?
Mr. Mackey: We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?
Mr. Adler: What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!
Principal Victoria: This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't!
Mr. Mackey: Oh right! "The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students." That's not gonna be on Wikileaks!
Mr. Adler: Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them.
Mr. Mackey: All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad!
Principal Victoria: No, no, we're not bad.
Mr. Mackey: We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story.
Principal Victoria: What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick?
Mr. Adler: Our students committing suicide?
Mr. Mackey: Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus.
Mr. Adler: How do we do that?
Mr. Mackey: We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it.
[The boy's house, day. The gang of nine kids has arrived at Lemmiwinks' new home and Stan and Kyle are pounding on the front door.]
Mother: [answering the door] Yes?
Stan: Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here?
Mother: Yes, Vernon's around somewhere.
Stan: Come on, guys! [charges in with the other kids. Mrs. Trumski is about to close the door when Catatafish floats in]
Catatafish: Excuse me.
[Vernon's room, moments later. The kids find Lemmiwinks in his cage]
Butters: There he is! [the kids go to the cage] It's Lemmiwinks! [climbs the chair beside Lemminwink's cage]
Stan: Quick, we need something to carry him in!
Kyle: Here's a shoebox! [goes for the shoebox. Vernon walks in at that moment]
Vernon: Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?!
Stan: We just need to borrow him, kid. [Kyle hands the box to Butters]
Vernon: MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL!
Stan: [walks up to Vernon] Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him!
Vernon: MOOOM! [Frogn King and Sparrow Prince appear in the middle of the room, hovering, and Vernon and the others notice]
Frog King: There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now!
Kyle: Grab him! [Butters scoops Lemmiwinks into the shoe box and the group runs out the front door]
Vernon: [stops just outside the front door] MOOOM! [the group runs down the street]
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: Quickly! We must get to the school! [the group makes it to a bus stop just as a transit bus is pulling away]
Stan: Whoa whoa wait, wait! [the bus stops, the door opens, and the group gets on]
[Inside the bus, the kids and the ghost animals take seats]
Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
Stan: Can't this thing go any faster?
Butters: Hang on, Lemmiwinks!
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
Stan: Craig, are we still clear?
Craig: Nothing broke on the Web site yet.
Frog King: Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin! [the driver speeds up]
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
[From out of nowhere Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey toss a bound and gagged Cartman onto the road and watch as the bus runs over him. Principal Victoria is with them. The bus rolls a bit further, but stops due to a broken muffler. The door opens and the group steps out]
Kyle: What the hell happened?!
Mr. Mackey: Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it? [pulls out a letter] Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay. [opens it up and reads it:] Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman.
Stan: Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it!
Mr. Mackey: [thinks a moment] Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go!
Sparrow Prince: Go by car!
[South Park, midtown. Principal Victoria has got everyone packed in her car and races down the street to get to the school]
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him!
[South Park Elementary. Principal Victoria arrives at school and the group pours out of her car and rushes into the school]
Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
[The music room, moments later. Wikileaks types furiously to get the scoop out: "SCHOOL FACULTY TRIES TO POISON STUDENTS!!" Stan leads the group into the music room]
Stan: Stop right there, you little rat!
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: [appears before Wikileaks and stops him] Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish! [Sparrow Prince and Catatafish descend on the shoebox and open it. Lemmiwinks peeks out, then leaves the box]
[The battle begins. The two gerbils stand on their hind legs and face off. Wikileaks runs off and Lemmiwinks quickly follows. The camera tries to follow the action, but gets shaky. The gerbils dance around each other for a few seconds, then rush at each other and fight.]
Frog King: Oh dude, he is fucking him up!
Butters: Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him! [Indeed. Lemmiwinks had bit Wikileaks on the jugular and Wikileaks is bleeding. Wikileaks soon stops moving and Lemmiwinks gets off him]
Frog King: He did it!
Mr. Mackey: [walks over to the computer and gets to work] Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay.
[South Park Elementary hallway, some days later. Stan puts his stuff away in his locker and closes it. He walks over to Kyle, Kenny... and Cartman, who has casts on his right arm and right leg, and who's walking with a crutch]
Stan: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes.
Cartman: Boy, I say.
Mr. Mackey: [rounds the corner and sees Cartman] Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice.
Cartman: It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it.
Mr. Mackey: Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay.
Cartman: Oh, you're most certainly welcome.
Mr. Mackey: [walks through them and continues down the hallway] Well students, why don't we uh- [feels a pain in his stomach] Oooh. Oh, gee, uh...
Cartman: Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh! [lets out a wet fart] Aaaah! Oh it's bad! [so bad bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor] Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH! [that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor] OW!
Cartman: [softly] I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those.
Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a [poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face] Ooowww, okay! [begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass] Ooohhh, it's bad!
Frog King: Congratulations, Lemmiwinks.
Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you, private lives will stay private.
Catatafish: Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth.
Frog King: Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother? [Lemmiwinks just gets up and walks away] Le-Lemmiwinks? [no answer] He's devastated.
Sparrow Prince: Yup, he's devastated.
[End of Bass To Mouth.]
  1510: "Bass to Mouth" edit
Story Elements

EavesdropperLemmiwinksWikileaksSparrow PrinceFrog KingCatatafishVernon TrumskiSelena GomezJenny Simon • "Lemmiwinks vs. Wikileaks"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifteenth Season

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