Fandom

South Park Archives

Ass Burgers/Script

< Ass Burgers

3,443pages on
this wiki
Add New Page
Comment1 Share

Ad blocker interference detected!


Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers

Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.


Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Wendy Testaburger
  • Clyde Donovan
  • Molly
  • Riley
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Nurse Bronski
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Officer Barbrady
  • Entertainers
    • Adam Sandler
    • Jill
    • Aide 1
    • Aide 2
    • Anchor
    • Big Harry and Mike
  • Restaurant Executives
    • Burger King Exec
    • McDonald's Exec
    • KFC Exec
    • Pizza Hut Exec
    • Taco Bell Exec
  • Secret Society of Cynics
    • Researcher/Morpheus
    • Martin
    • Mr. Mathers
    • Neo
    • Neo 2
    • Bald Guy
  • Various Unnamed Boys

Script

[Daytime at the apartment building Sharon and her kids moved into the last episode. Stan's clock read 6:59 AM. Inside his window you can see Whistlin' Willy's, and beyond that, the South Park Library. Stan had moved to Downtown South Park. The clock strikes 2 and the radio comes on, waking him up. A morning variety radio show comes on]
Big Harry: Oh that's funny, that's real funny. Big Harry and Mike in the Morning talkin' about the new hit movie [poop sounds], a great comedy, starring [poop sounds] and [poop sounds].
Mike: I saw the movie last night, Big Harry, and it made me laugh so hard! This movie's about a [poop sounds] heh, he was suddenly all like [poop sounds] Aw, man it's great!
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. We'll talk more about it but let's get to some music. The new Tween Wave band [poop sounds] with their song [poop sounds. The song begins to play. Stan sits up and turns the radio off]
[Stan sits still for a few seconds, then still half-awake he goes into the shower and just stands there without taking off his hat. Later, he's at table as Sharon prepares breakfast for him. Shelly is sitting right in front of the TV eating cereal]
Announcer: Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX. Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show! [poop sounds] Dinosaurs! [poop sounds] Lost Humans! [poop sounds] Future, yes! [poop sounds]
[Sharon serves Stan his breakfast, which looks to Stan like a long tube of poop topped with a butter square. Stan just look at it, still half-asleep]
Sharon: Stanley, eat your waffles. [Stan gets his knife and fork and cuts into the waffles, then starts eating.]
[The sidewalk, morning. Stan has finished breakfast and is headed for the school bus stop with his head down. Be begins to hear the other boys as he draws near]
Kyle: Oh shut up Cartman! You don't even know what you're talking about!
Cartman: Oh yeah! I saw it on the news, Kyle! The school is gonna make us all get shots again! [at this point Stan stops and stands alongside the other boys, but he's still looking at the ground] But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas!
Kenny: (Are you serious?!)
Cartman: Yep!
Kyle: That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid!
Cartman: Then why are they sayin' that gettin' vaccinated at school is gonna make us all retarded?
Kyle: [sighs gruffly] Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's!
Cartman: Wait what?
Kyle: That's what they're talking about on the news!
Cartman: Wait, there's a disease called Assburgers?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: You are so lying! There's no disease called fuckin' Assburgers!
Kyle: You wanna bet? [begins to move off] Let's go ask my Dad right now!
Cartman: Okay, you're on, Jew! [he and Kenny follow Kyle away. Several seconds later, the bus shows up and Stan gets on. He takes an empty seat and no one sits next to him. He leans against the window, looking very sad]
[South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. Stan is in class, looking sad, and the seats that would hold Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are empty.]
Mr. Garrison: And so children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations, and boys will head on out to recess. [on the blackboard he had written "HPV Vaccination Day"]
Butters: Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?
Mr. Garrison: No. Butters, that's not how it works.
Officer Barbrady: [offscreen] Mr. Garrison, [now onscreen] these three boys were caught playing hooky.
Cartman: Did you guys know there's actually a disease called Assburgers? [Stan is hearing everything as if from a distance]
Mr. Garrison: Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about vaginal warts.
Wendy: This isn't fair! How can the school make us get vaccinated?
Butters: You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?
Cartman: That's right, it's a butt fungus.
Butters: Well I don't want burgers comin' out of my butt!
Stan: [in an angry outburst] God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! [looks around glaring at everyone, who look back at him, stunned]
[Mr. Mackey's office, moments later]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Stan, you, you've gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m'kay? I know that... your parents recently got divorced. M'kay, that's gotta be hard. I know that's... that's bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m'kay, and sayin' everything is... just shitty, well, that's called bein' a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay. ...I mean you've gotta, you've gotta snap out of it, Debbie. Come on, Debbie, you're even bummin' me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just- just sucks.
Stan: [after a few seconds' silence] I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie. Okay, you know, uh life, life has to change, m'kay?
Stan: How?... When all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick. How do you go on when nothing makes you happy? [tears start to well up around his eyes]
Mr. Mackey: Huh... e-excuse me a minute, Stan. m'kay? [stands up, goes to his desk, picks up his phone and starts dialing] Uh, hi, Ms. Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan for the flu last year? We did? Uh oh... I think he's got Asperger's.
[Breaking News]
Announcer: This is breaking news, from CNN! Or Fox or, whatever. [The logos for Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC go by] Fuck you.
Anchor: The first documented case of a child developing Asperger's Syndrome from school vaccinations [a shot of a syringe and the words "ASPERGER'S SYNDROME" appear] has put the government in a tight spot. [a shot of Stan] At a press conference today the media heard from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn.
Randy: It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent, and then the "government" comes along and with one shot turns your child into a "mentally incapacitated" freak! I mean look at him. He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing. It's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced!
Anchor: In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed "Stan's Bill," putting an end to school-mandated vaccinations.
[At the White House]
Aide 1: Mr. President, the bill is ready. [the duck, wearing a tailor-made suit, quacks, with shit splattering out of its mouth]
Aide 2: Just sign right here, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the document]
Aide 1: Aaand if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the second document. The parties involved gather for a quick photo opportunity]
Anchor: It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted from the vaccinations, but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind.
[Cartman's house, morning. He's in the kitchen cooking up a bunch of burgers. He's got two patties in a large pan, and he begins to sing.]
Cartman: Turn on your heart light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow-
[South Park Elementary. Cartman approaches the nurse's office, having gotten excused from class. He stops, clears his throat, and enters. He starts to moan as he approaches the examination bed. He hops on and sits down]
Nurse Bronski: Eric, what is it this time?
Cartman: [coughing somewhat] Fever... Light... lightheadedness... I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nurse Bronski: [puts down her notepad and starts examining him] You don't feel warm.
Cartman: Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever but I- oh OH. Oh my buns! There's a sharp pain in my buns!
Nurse Bronski: Can you lay on your stomach?
Cartman: I-I'll try. I'll try. [lays on his stomach. The nurse sees something under his pants and pulls them back.]
Nurse Bronski: What the? [pulls back the briefs and pulls out a wrapped item, then unwraps it] What is this? A hamburger? [indeed, that's what she's holding]
Cartman: A what??
Nurse Bronski: [pulls out another hamburger] Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?
Cartman: Are you serious? How can there be- [sighs] Oh my God! You're saying I have assburgers??
Nurse Bronski: [pulls out a third hamburger] This doesn't make sense. Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something?
Cartman: What are you talking about?? I got vaccinated from the school, and now clearly I have Assburgers!
Nurse Bronski: Very funny!
Cartman: Well I'm glad you think Assburgers is funny! Just note my condition on your records there!
Nurse Bronski: Get out of my office!
[The school hallway. Kyle is at his locker as Wendy approaches.]
Wendy: Hey Kyle? [immediately he knows what she's going to ask] Have you heard anything at all from Stan?
Kyle: I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse.
Wendy: I don't know what to do. It's like he's... completely turned off.
Boy 1: Those two should just screw and get it over with!
Boy 2: Yeaahh...
Kyle: I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it uh, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything.
Wendy: Look, maybe what we should do is all go over to his house together, an-and that way we could-
Kyle: [puts his notebook away and closes his locker door] NO. I can't, Wendy. [walking away] All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go. [stops] And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left palm] positive attitude.
Cartman: [rounds a corner and walks past Wendy and Kyle] Godamned stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch!
Kyle: What's the matter dude?
Cartman: [stops and backs up] I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing! That's what's the matter!
Kyle: You made hamburgers? Well that's awesome! I'd love one. [reaches for a burger and bites into it. That burger might have been in Cartman's underwear] Mmm. Hm, wow [swallows] This is really good, Cartman.
Cartman: Really?
Kyle: Yeah. [a girl walks by] Hey Riley! Try this hamburger. [hands her a burger] Cartman made them himself.
Riley: [unwraps and eats it] Wow. What is that?
Kyle: Seriously, Cartman. You could make money with these!
Cartman: Gee, thanks Kyle!
[Asperger's Research Center, day. A researcher takes Sharon and Stan on a tour of the facility]
Researcher: The truth is we still know very little about Asperger's syndrome, Mrs. Marsh. All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits. [they stop next to a seated man who has wrapped his legs behind his neck and is making bubbles with bubble solution and farts] Good morning Mr. Mathers.
Mr. Mathers: Goodbye, doctor [farts into the blower]
Researcher: [signs and moves on] It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not. [they stop by a man urinating on a wall. Sharon and Stan notice what he's doing] We've got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan.
Martin: [turns around, still urinating, and Stan gets peed on] Nice to meet you.
Researcher: [moves on. Martin faces the wall again] Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness. [Stan shakes his head to get the piss off] Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because of its name people think it's a disease to be made fun of. [the researcher opens a door to Room 209, a room of adults who are mentally deficient in one way or another. The adults are doing odd things and making odd sounds. He enters as Sharon and Stan look on a bit worried.] Alright everyone, let's have a seat. [Martin comes in, still urinating, and takes a seat. Stan finds a spot on a sofa and sits there.] Oh uh, we'll be done at about 5 pm, Mrs. Marsh. I'll call if it's any earlier.
Sharon: Oh, right, uh. Good bye, Stan. I-I love you. [leaves and closes the door. Everyone sits in silence for a few minutes, then]
Researcher: Alright, are we clear?
Neo: We're clear! [eveyone begins to move normally and arm themselves. They turn into Matrix characters]
Morpheus: Watch that window, Puck! [Neo gets into position by the window] Everyone, make sure this room isn't bugged! [the others seal the room] Alright Stan, listen up! We don't have a lot of time! You've been told Asperger's is real! It isn't! It's just a front we use to stay hidden!
Stan: Wait, it's not a real illness?
Morpheus: Of course not! If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's! That's just, that's just mean! [Stan says silent] There's a big war going on out there, Stan, and we want you to join our fight to bring it all down!
Stan: [gets off the sofa and walks towards the door] Uh, nooo nonono, we're not doing this!
Morpheus: You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you?! [Stan stops in his tracks, astounded] Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right?
Stan: [turns around] Yeah.
Neo: So do we. All of us here. We know the truth too.
Morpheus: We found a way to make it stop, Stan. Now are you interested? Or not?
[Cartman Burger, day. Cartman has set up a burger stand in front of his house. Burgers are $5 each. Butters and Kenny are dressed in Cartman Burger uniforms and are helping Cartman run the stand, with Kyle at the grill. To Cartman's left is a booth made from a large Thompson delivery box that now houses a secret last process in burger preparation. A bunch of kids have already gathered and are eating the hottest thing in the neighborhood. Among the bunch are Scott, Craig, Kevin, and Lola. Kevin has just bought his burger and chips]
Cartman: Next order, please! Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful.
Clyde: [walking by eating a burger] I just can't believe how yummy these are.
Cartman: There you go, Molly, and a bag of chips.
Molly: Thanks!
Cartman: How are we doing on those patties, Jew?
Kyle: About three minutes, fatass!
Cartman: Nice!
Butters: Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric. We need more.
Cartman: It's alright. I think another batch is just finishing off in our top-secret flavor enhancer.
Kyle: [rushes up in time to stop him] Dude, come on Cartman. As employees, don't you think we should get to see what the final secret flavor enhancer is?
Cartman: I'm sorry Kyle, but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be everywhere, and we'll have to go back to school. Now, let me get those hamburgers. [Kyle may have noticed, but he doesn't say anything about the burgers stuffed down behind Cartman's ass and legs. Cartman goes into the booth, and moments later comes out with a fresh batch of finished burgers] Alright, these are good to go! [More kids have gathered. Among them are Esther, Heidi, Red, Bill, and Tommy.]
[Asperger's Research Center, day. The people there set up their secret headquarters - computers, monitors, probes, etc.]
Morpheus: Alright, is he ready to be sent in?
Bald Guy: He's ready! Beta levels are normal.
Stan: Who are you people?
Morpheus: We are the Secret Society of Cynics. [walks off a bit and sighs] Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you... that you're seeing the world the way it actually is?
Stan: Huh?
Morpheus: The world around us has all completely turned to shit. But aliens are putting out a brainwave that keeps most people seeing a false reality
Stan: Aliens?
Morpheus: Or, robots from the future, whatever. The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance.
Neo 2: Yeah. Everything used to be awesome and cool, but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us!
Neo: Yeah!
Stan: Because of aliens? [crosses his arms]
Morpheus: Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you! All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down. They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you! Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in?
Stan: Yeah I'm ready!
Morpheus: Let's send him in! [a member of the society prepares a drink for Stan - whiskey on the rocks - and gives it to Morpheus, who hands it over to Stan] Drink this. [Stan hesitates, then takes it and drinks it down. He steps outside and everything is as lovely as it ever was. No signs of shit anywhere.]
Stan: Ahhhh! [walks around town looking at it with a new sense of wonder, but his walking is off] Oh coool!
[in a theater viewing an Adam Sandler film]
Adam Sandler: Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?
Jill: I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.
Stan: [laughs rather heartily, looking drunk] Adam Sandler's funny.
[Cartman Burger, day. A crowd of kids has gathered, either enjoying their burgers or waiting in line. The little stand has been replaced by a bigger, studier stand, with a wooden awning along the façade and a covered area behind it. Some makeshift tables have been set out. Butters isn't present yet]
Butters: [approaches Kyle] Hey Kyle, you have a visitor. [Kyle leaves to see who it is]
Kyle: Stan? [Stan is looking away, drunk]
Stan: [sees him] Kyle! [falls into Kyle's arms]
Kyle Hey, Stan!
Stan [his speech is slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy. You were right: Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!
Kyle: Stan, are you alright?
Stan: Yeah dude, I totally get it now. I can see how lame I was saying everything was, was shit.
Kyle: Really? Uh, Stan, that's great. [smiles. Cartman leans back and looks over from the stand]
Stan: [squints his eyes] But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on! [turns around excitedly]
Kyle: Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
Kyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. [Cartman takes a quick order, then looks back at Stan and Kyle] Ah-I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan: ...Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept? [Cartman walks over, drying his hands off in the process]
Kyle: See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become.
Cartman: Everything alright here, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, it's fine.
Cartman: We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle: Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Kyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan: [a couple of seconds of silence, then Stan gives him the finger.] Fuck you Kyle, you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and walks back to the burger stand] ...Kyle, I love you. [Kyle reappears a few seconds later, and Stan gives him the finger again.] You're a piece of shit though. Fuck you! [Kyle turns heel and walks back towards the stand] ...I love you. [Kyle does not return]
[Next morning, Stan's room. The radio alarm wakes him up at 7, as usual. Laughter comes from the speaker]
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of [poop sounds], we're breakin' it down.
Mike: Oh Big Harry, when the [poop sounds] ran into the [poop sounds]- [Stan sits up, then scoots towards the alarm]
Big Harry: Nonono, no! How about when [poop sounds. Stan turns off the alarm, then hops off the bed.].
[Asperger's Research Center, day. Stan goes into the center with a bad headache. He has a hangover.]
Morpheus: He's back! [the other members jump up and gather around Stan] Did you see the illusionary world again?
Neo: How does it feel to be back in the Matrix?
Stan: I feel like total shit.
Bald Guy: It's okay. That's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.
Morpheus: Try and focus, Stan: we've found them! We know where the rock creatures are now.
Stan: The rock creatures?
Morpheus: Or aliens, or AI- things. Whatever, fuck you.
Stan: Dude, I canh- I... I can't do any...
Neo: He's gonna pop! [Stan vomits and falls over on his face. He passes out. The other members gather around him even closer. Fade to black. Some time later, Stan's eyes blink.]
Morpheus: Come on kid, there's not a lot of time left.
Neo: You're pushin' him too hard!
Stan: Ugh God.
Morpheus: Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion. We're sending you back in! [a pair of doors in the ceiling slide open and a giant bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey drops down, being held in place by a robotic arm. A nippled syringe pulls forward and enters Stan's mouth and begins pumping him full of whiskey. Stan can only look down helplessly]
[A darkened boardroom. Sevem shadowed figures sit around a boardroom table]
Figure 1: We all know why we are here. There's a rebellion in our midst and it must be SQUASHED OUT! [it's a McDonald's executive] We have to put an end, to Cartman Burgers. [the other executives seen are from KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway, Chick-fil-A, and Taco Bell.]
Other Execs: Yes, yes, but what do we do?
KFC Exec: At KFC we've seen a 50% drop in sales.
Pizza Hut Exec: It's worse at Pizza Hut. Cartman Burgers choked out the market.
McDonald's Exec: [gets up from his chair and paces a bit] What makes them so good? For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers satisfy the taste cravings from all of our restaurants!
Taco Bell Exec: [walks up to a chart and then turns to show the other execs.] There lies the secret. [eight restaurants are shown on the chart, including City Wok. An arrow from each of the restaurants points towards a Cartman Burger in the middle] It's the chemical compounds from all our flavors. Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger.
KFC Exec: [walks up to a whiteboard on which a chemical compound from each restaurant is shown being mixed in a beaker and the combined solution being distilled into the Cartman Burger] It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredients of our food, breaking them down into some kind of... gas. And them somehow... infusing that gas into his hamburger. What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?
Pizza Hut Exec: It would have to be some sort of super Dutch oven.
Burger King Exec: But a Dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen. [Behind them, Stan breaks into the boardroom through the window]
Stan: [falls onto the floor] Aughah. [gets up and starts firing indiscriminately, moaning all the while. He falls on his back, fires off a few more shots, turns his head to his left side, and throws up. He passes out]
[Some time later. The execs have tied him down to a chair quite securely and wait a while. An arm reaches forward and tries to rouse him]
McDonald's Exec: Hey! Wake up. Come on now, wake up! [looks at the Taco Bell Exec] Use the smelling salts! [the Taco Bell Exec puts an enchirito under Stan's nose]
Stan: [sniffs and then smacks his lips a bit, finally waking up] ...Enchirito?
McDonald's Exec: You know the secret?
Stan: What? You guys are aliens?
McDonald's Exec: Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste?!
Stan: Dude, I don't know!
Taco Bell Exec: He's lying! [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a picture of Kyle] You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend.
McDonald's Exec: Ah ha!
Stan: I'm not friends with him.
Taco Bell Exec: They've been through everything together. Inseparable.
Stan: No, no, we don't hang out anymore.
McDonald's Exec: Oho right, like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that?
Stan: Dude, I didn't walk away! I turned 10 and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me, so I-!
McDonald's Exec: Oh sure! Anyone would ditch out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good! Now stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers is so delicious!
Stan: I don't know!
McDonald's Exec: Alright, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way.
[Cartman Burger, day. The place is packed with kids now. The crew is taking a break: Kenny and Butters are chatting by the grill as Kyle delivers some burgers to Cartman.]
Kyle: There, ten mediums and five medium-rares.
Cartman: Alright, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer.
Kyle: Next please. [smiles, but quickly frowns upon seeing the next customer] Oh, hey.
Stan: Kyle, you've gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.
Kyle: What are you doing?
Stan: How do you guys make them so yummy?
Kyle: I don't know.
McDonald's Exec: [hiding in some bushes with the other execs] You'd BETTER get him to tell you or you're getting shot in the back of the head! [The Chick-fil-A exec has a sniper's gun trained on Stan's head. Stan is wearing an ear piece] You got that?!
Stan: [panicking, but with great restraint] Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger
Kyle: Why?! So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times?!
Stan: No, because there's aliens with a sniper-chicken on me.
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh God! Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I I'm sorry. But your negativity is poison to me!
McDonald's Exec: Oh, right. Like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness!
Stan: Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault!
Kyle: You said "fuck you" to my face, Stan.
Stan: Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying.
McDonald's Exec: Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back.
Kyle: Alright, look. I honestly don't know the secret, dude. Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us.
McDonald's Exec: [comes out of the bushes and goes to the stand] Goddamnit this is getting us nowhere! [the other execs follow him onto the sidewalk] Everyone get back! Do you wanna play hardball?! That's fine! [the Chick-fil-A exec wields his gun and the kids scream and scatter. The McDonald's exec goes to the Secret Last Process Booth] All right, let's see this mighty machine once and for all! [before he can see anything, he's gunned down by the drunken research center/Matrix members, who then start firing away indiscriminately with their semi-automatics]
Morpheus: [dispatching the Taco Bell exec] You vampire sons of bitches! [the Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Subway execs go down, then the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell execs]
Neo: Haha! [accidentally shoots himself in the head and goes down]
Morpheus: Alright, nice work Stan. Now comes the final step! You have to take out Duck President!
Stan: Just stop it! You people are so full of shit!
Mr. Mathers: Uh oh, looks like the serum is wearing off! [whips out a glass and a bottle of whiskey] Here, you'd better take some more! [pours the whiskey in the glass]
Stan: No, I'm done with that! [slaps it away from the member's hand]
Morpheus: But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was!
Stan: I don't want everything to go back to the way it was! [suddenly calm] I, I don't. [he steps over the broken bottle, leaves and joins the other kids, who have returned] You were right, Kyle. Sometimes, the only way to go forward, is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude. It's okay. You're gonna do this and I'm gonna do my thing and ...my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact, it's better. Change is gonna bring new things to all of us. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see. And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with all new people in town. [approaches one boy] Maybe this kid will become my new best friend. [then another] Or maybe this kid will.
Douglas: Wow. [smiles]
Stan: Maybe it won't be like before, but... at least it'll all be new. And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going. For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited. [a horn and the sound of wheels stopping are heard]
Randy: [in the U-Haul truck] Stan? Stan! Get in the car, Stan! Your mom and I are movin' back in together!
Stan: [his face drops] What?
Randy: We worked it out, pal. Surprise!
Stan: No, dad, no. No, please!
[At the apartment, Stan's room, day. Sharon and Stan talk]
Sharon: [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know...
Stan: No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn.
Sharon: People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know.
["Landslide" plays again, with everything going in reverse. The realtor removes the sign she had placed in front of the Marsh house. The Marsh family moves back in. Randy and Sharon work together to take the sofa back inside while Shelly carries her own box. Sharon sets up Stan's room again almost as he had it before they moved. Randy carries in another box of Stan's stuff. Stan looks out over the neighborhood from his window... which was apparently across from Cartman's house all this time, for he sees Cartman Burger and the crowd of kids and adults across the street.]
Kyle: You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!
Crowd: Eeewww!
[The sitting president, who is a duck, is removed and Barack Obama resumes his presidency. In his backyard, Randy Marsh makes a small bonfire of all his Steamy Ray Vaughn stuff. At Stark's Pond, Wendy and Stan share a picnic, but he's not interested enough to puke on her. At the dinner table, Stan isn't eating, but looks down and away. Finally, in his bedroom, the radio wakes him up at 7 AM., like always. His favorite morning show comes back on]
Big Harry: I like that!
Mike: Yeah.
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning, talkin' about Two and a Half Men. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale? I am psyched for that!
Big Harry: Dolphin Tale, Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. [Stan sits up] Let's hear one from the band Slamjammer and their song- [Stan turns the radio off. There's a knock on his door]
Kyle: [enters with Cartman and Kenny] Dude, we're gonna see the new Zoopeeker movie!
Cartman: The Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier! [they walk back out and away.]
Stan: ...K, coming. [hops out of bed and puts on his coat, going through the motions. He walks out to join the boys, but a few seconds later he returns to open a drawer, pull out a bottle of whiskey, opens it, takes a swig of it, closes it, and puts it back in the drawer. He doesn't bother to put on his shoes. He closes the drawer and heads back into the hall]
[End of Ass Burgers.]


  1508: "Ass Burgers" edit
Story Elements

Asperger's SyndromeCartman BurgerAsperger's Research CenterSecret Society of CynicsDuck President • "Turn on Your Heartlight" • "Landslide"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Fifteenth Season

Also on Fandom

Random Wiki