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Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus/Script

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The official script for "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" was released by South Park Studios. It is located here!

Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Eric Cartman
  • Jesus Christ
  • God
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Randy Marsh
  • Sharon Marsh
  • Stuart McCormick
  • Mrs. McCormick
  • Gerald Broflovski
  • Miss Aliton
  • Craig Netzel, field reporter
  • Tom, news anchor
  • Jerome "Chef" McElroy
  • Dr. Mephesto
  • Dr. Doctor
  • Mr. Mackey
  • Ike Broflovski
  • Radio announcer
  • Jimbo Kern
  • Father Maxi
  • Skeeter
  • Rod Stewart
  • Nurse
  • Agent

Script

[South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards Tom's Rhinoplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby New Year.]
Stan: Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome.
Kyle: I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!
Cartman: [runs up] You guys! You guys! [pants] Guess what?
Kyle: What, fatass?!
Cartman: I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys! [grins]
Kenny: (...What?)
Stan: No you didn't!
Cartman: Yes! I really did.
Stan: How do you know?
Cartman: Well, because yesterday I got my period. [lets the words hang there for a moment]
Kyle: You got your what?
Cartman: My period, you guys. You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature takes its course by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month.
Stan: You're making that up! [a woman steps out of a small building, and he addresses her] Miss Aliton, what's it mean to get a period?
Miss Aliton: Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell you. Ah-
Stan: Please, it's important.
Miss Aliton: Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed, you know, down there. [points to the region]
Kyle: Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! [Miss Aliton turns and walks away. The boys turn to face Cartman]
Cartman: Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm ma-ture. [begins to dance away backwards] I got my period, and you guys didn't. I got my period, and you guys didn't. [skips out of view]
Stan: Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us.
Kyle: Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding out my ass.
Kenny: (Me too.)
[TV 4 News Flash]
Anchorman: In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children. Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with simple antibiotics. [turns to face another camera, and a new picture, "New Year's Eve 1999" appears] Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another. [In New York, amid burning buildings, one man beats another man over the head with a bat. In Paris, people drop down from on high, and in Beijing people torch each other] But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.
[Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are everywhere]
Netzel: Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park. [the camera begins to pan to the right. A man with two kids next to him sit in chairs. Skeeter and his friends are there, too] Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love. [the front door opens] Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out! [turns to face the house. Jesus peeks out from it]
Woman: [picks up her son and points Jesus out] Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him?
Boy: He's neat, Mommy. [cameras go off as the crowd stands behind some "Jesus line. Do not cross" lines. Jesus drops back into his house, then peeks out again]
Netzel: [softly] Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous. [Jesus moves forward] But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us!
Jesus: Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? [people lower their cameras, puzzled] Can I help you with something? [no one moves]
Netzel: ...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.
Jesus: Uuh-huh?
Netzel: Well, it's "The Millennium".
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 2: Yeah.
Man 3: Yeah.
Cameraman: Right.
Jesus: So, what happens at the millennium?
Netzel: ...I don't know.
Jimbo: We thought you did.
"Y2K" Man: Yeah, you're supposed to know!
Man 4: Yeah!
Man 5: Yeah, you're Jesus.
Man 6: Hey!
Man 5: You're the one in control.
Jesus: Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear somethin' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jesus: Well, what do ya want?
Fr. Maxi: We want to see God!
Randy: Yeah, with our own eyes.
Crowd: Yeah!
Jimbo: We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Crowd: Yeah!
Woman: That's right!
Jesus: Oh. Uuuh, let me think about that for a minute. [backs up and closes the door. The people in the crowd are left to talk amongst themselves]
Man With Picket Sign: [to man to his left] Is that good?
Man 7: I don't know.
Man 8: I don't know. Is that good or not?!
[The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.]
Stan: Hello?
Kyle: Dude, did you get your period yet?
Stan: No, there's no blood coming out of my ass.
Kyle: Mine neither. But I double-checked, and Cartman was right. Your period is the start of puberty.
Stan: Well, if Cartman is the only one who get it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways.
Kyle: Yeah.
[The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and Kenny gets up to check it out]
Kenny: [seeing the red streak] (Woohoo! [jumps for joy] Woohoooo!)
[Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman looks over a box of Breeze tampons]
Stan: Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's.
Cartman: Hold your horses, guys. This is very important for mature people. [drops the Breeze and picks up the Plug-Ups. Softly] Let's see. Offers complete protection during heavy flow, hm. [swaps the Plug-Ups for the Cotton Cork] Lessee, might slow stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh. [swaps the Cotton Cork for the Beaver Dam] Oh, this one's got wings, you guys!
Kenny: [rushes in] (You guys! You guys, I did it! I got my very own period!)
Cartman: [pleased] You did?
Kyle: You got your period too, Kenny?
Kenny: (Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting down and then I got my period!)
Cartman: Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You got your period, so now you're a man. We can hang out together on New Year's Eve. [Stan shrugs, but looks worried] But first you need to buy some Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear.
Kenny: [exults] (Woo-hoo!)
[Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces the floor]
Netzel: [from the TV] Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus. [a man holds up a sign saying: "It's the end of the MILLENIUM. Please don't kill us JESUS". Jesus looks in wonder]
Rancher: [holding a Bible] Well, the way I see it, if he really is who he says he is, well then he'd better do somethin' on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!
Jesus: [sighs heavily] Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me. [a flash of light and swirling clouds follow as Jesus comes forward to meet his father]
God: [voice-over] What is it, my child?
Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God: Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival.
Jesus: It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you.
God: Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.
Jesus: But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback.
God: Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.
Jesus: Just make an appearance. You can come down, say 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30.
God: I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself.
[The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.]
Kyle: Ike, can I talk to you? [sits down next to Ike]
Ike: Uh ar, stufid.
Kyle: Ike, I don't know what to do. All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am. I can't be the last one to get it. I just can't!
Ike: Whoa won toooo-reeee.
Kyle: Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out? I might not even get to be their friend anymore.
Ike: No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. Tabyudog.
Kyle: Yeah! I could just say I got my period! It's not like they'll check. I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday! It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.
Ike: Cokeh mocker.
Kyle: [stands and moves out] Thanks a lot, Ike!
[The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are hanging out there.]
Stan: So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?
Cartman: Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?
Kenny: (No. All I could get was a couple of tampons.)
Cartman: Tampon? What's a tampon?
Kenny: (See, a tampon is what you stick up your ass so you don't bleed.)
Cartman: Ew, doesn't that hurt?
Kenny: (A little.)
Kyle: [rushes up quite excited] You guys! I got my period, too!
Cartman: Wow, cool!
Stan: [frightened] You did?
Kyle: Yeah! [Stan looks down sadly] I was just hanging out in my room, and then I perioded all over the place.
Cartman: All right! You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this "Women Who Run With The Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers.
Kyle: Awesome! We get powers?
Cartman: Yeah! Come on, we can set everything up in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! [Stan is left alone, but Cartman returns] Hey, don't feel bad, Stan. Some of us just mature a little later than others. [walks away]
[Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and writes]
Stan: Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you speed up my development a little? Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan [He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]
[Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. One window on the house is lit from within]
Jesus: Are you there, God? It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!
[The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance and Phillip are heard.]
Phillip: [a rooster crows] Oh God, you're smelly!
Announcer: Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m., [Stan awakens] and only two more days until the new millennium! [Stan moves towards the radio, than away from it, then hides under the covers, then sprints for the restroom. Quickly, he lowers his pajamas and briefs]
Stan: Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!
Sharon: Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
Stan: [sobbing] I'm not bleeding out my aahass!
Sharon: Well, that's good, honey.
Stan: No it's not! It's terrible! [Sharon looks worried. Stan returns to his bed and prays] Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death. If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve. Please, please give me my period soon.
[Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door opens again]
Jimbo: Here he comes!
Mr. Garrison: He's coming out!
Jesus: [steps out and closes the door] ...I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right. After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium. [the crowd cheers and jumps for joy] I have spoken to my Father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us. And ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! [more cheering and jumping] So what we're going to do tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD STEWART to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going! [...silence]
Man: ...We knew you could do it, Jesus! [the crowd begins to cheer again, and Jesus grins]
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'd better book my ass a flight to Vegas! [hurries away]
Fr. Maxi:

[beings to sing. Others step aside]
For he is Savior
For he is Lord

Crowd:

He gives me hope when
I have only been bored
And he lifts me up with
His gentle arm...

[The Ewok Village 2000. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle with candles next to them.]
Cartman: [wearing a bandana and flowers] Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess Wind?
Kyle: [with bandana and leafy wings] Here.
Cartman: Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!
Kenny: [with fine pendant on his hood and purple cape] (Dammit, here!)
Cartman: And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods. We're supposed to talk about our periods. And boys. Let's talk about boys first. I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool.
Kyle: I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.
Kenny: (Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't really seem to be a doubt.)
Cartman: Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk about our periods. Kyle, you first.
Kyle: Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.
Cartman: What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle: Nothing. Um [clears his throat], my period is really uuuh... [Cartman looks on skeptically] Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.
Cartman: ...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going swimmingly, too.
Kenny: (And mine too.)
Kyle: [sighs] Phew.
[Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks]
Chef: [opens the door] Oh, hello Stan.
Stan: [despondent] Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: Can I come in?
Chef: Well, sure. [Stan enters and Chef closes the door. They sit on the sofa] Now, what's the matter, little cracker?
Stan: Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And this person is really bummed out, because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't.
Chef: OOH, you're talkin' about your older sister, Shelly.
Stan: No.
Chef: Your little girlfriend, Wendy.
Stan: Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't.
Chef: Look, Stan. Do you really know what a period is?
Stan: Yeah, Cartman told us.
Chef: Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle. I think it might clear things up for you. [gets up and faces him]
Stan: Okay.
Chef:

Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby.
Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby.
Ooo yeah, yes yes baby
Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now
Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby!
Ewww, baby! No, no!
Alright now—I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay.
Uh alright, watch out for the bedspread, baby.
Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what.
Uuh, how about uuh, uh.
Why don't I call you next week?
And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that clear things up for you?

Stan: [thinks] ...So what you're saying is, this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time.
Chef: ...Is that what I said?
Stan: But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, that you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again, 'cause everyone has blood coming out their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, then by God, I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! [hops off and heads out the door.]
Chef: Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle part there.
[Rod Stewart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart and framed gold records]
Agent: I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.
Jesus: Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I an the Lamb of God.
Agent: Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we could talk about that later; here comes Rod now. [some double doors open, and a nurse wheels Rod into the room]
Rod: Hullo-o-o.
Jesus: [surprised, but quickly recovers and shakes Rod's hand] Hey, Rod, great to see you.
Rod: Oh.
Jesus: Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. It's really given them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure that together, we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!
Rod: Pooped pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod: Pooped pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod: Pooped 'nmuh pants.
Jesus: Uh, you pooped your pants?
Rod: Pooped in my pants.
Jesus: Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants?
Nurse: Again?! [turns Rod around to wheel him away] Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie? [exits with Rod. Jesus can only look on, shocked]
[Genetic Engineering Ranch, night]
Dr. Mephesto: [leading Stan into the lab] Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan. It's what links us all together, makes us one.
Stan: But what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty.
Dr. Mephesto: Never went through puberty? Who never went through puberty?
Stan: Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.
Dr. Mephesto: Your father never went through puberty?
Stan: No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself.
Dr. Mephesto: Oh, I can't say that I blame him.
Stan: So do you know anything that can help him?
Dr. Mephesto: Well, I should think the most logical solution would be... hormones.
Stan: Hormones? [smiles. Mephesto takes him to the medicine cabinet]
Dr. Mephesto: Yes! [removes a bottle of PURE HORMONES] Here, and tell your father to take just one of these pills every week. It could be just what he needs. And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.
Stan: Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the best! [walks away with the bottle]
Dr. Mephesto: My pleasure. I just love helping people.
[Genetic Engineering Ranch, outside. Stan looks at the bottle and reads the prescription:

"one tablet weekly." He pops the lid off... One tablet falls, and then the empty bottle.]

[The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have reassembled.]
Cartman: Now, for our first club activity, we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word. We look at the word and think about what that word means to us. [tips the bowl towards Kyle, who reaches in and takes a slip of paper]
Kyle: [unfurls and reads] Okay. Today's word is "spirituality." What that means to me is uh- [thump. The three look up]
Stan: [outside, below] Hey assholes! [the three rise and head for a window]
Cartman: Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet.
Stan: [now with some facial hair] Don't you worry about that! I've started taking hormones!
Kyle: Hormones?
Stan: Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker. And I'm just here to tell you that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!
Kyle: Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are supposed to take hormones.
Cartman: Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan. You should let it come, like the morning dew.
Stan: So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Cartman: Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go.
Stan: [voice breaking] Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more hormones. [walks away. The other three withdraw and resume their discussion]
Cartman: Now, the word is "spirituality." I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because she-
Kenny: (Ooooowwwwwwwhh.) [leans forward in pain]
Cartman: Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and has-
Kenny: (Oh- ooowww!)
Cartman: Goddammit, Kenny, shut the hell up!
Kenny: (Aaaaaa!) [falls back and passes out. Blood spews up from his mouth]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
[Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside, the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands]
Dr. Doctor: Mr. and Ms. McCormick.
McCormick Parents: Yes?
Dr. Doctor: I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. I can't believe it.
Dr. Doctor: We just didn't get to him in time. There's nothing we could do.
Stuart: What happened? What killed him, doctor?
Dr. Doctor: Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days. It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God.
Dr. Doctor: My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Gi-ih [gulp]
Dr. Doctor: We must get to the bottom of this! ...if you'll pardon the pun. But actually, right now, I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show.
Stuart: Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
[Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene]
Netzel: Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed King of Pop, right here at this hotel behind me. [tents and stands pepper the grounds. Some of them have been seen in South Park before] It looks as though Jesus really has come through. [Jesus is in his room looking at the report] Everyone is very excited, because rumor has it that God Himself is gonna show up to the event.
Jesus: [shocked] What??
Netzel: How about you, ma'am? Do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?
Ma'am: [in party hat] Of course he is. This is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
Jesus: [turns off the TV] Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? [no answer] ...Hello?
[New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off]
Sharon: Stanley. [Stan awakes. A beard is forming] Wake up, honey. It's time to leave for Las Vegas. [he jumps out of bed and walks past a Terrance and Phillip full-length mirror. He stops, walks backwards, and looks at his reflection, strokes his sparse beard, turns to look at himself from the side...]
Stan: Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.
[Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The crowds erupts in anticipation]
Cartman: [walks in with Kyle] Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people. [Jesus takes the stage and speaks]
Jesus: Alright, people. Are we ready to rock the millennium?! [the crowd roars. Jesus steps backstage and prays] Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well. Please make them like it.
Kyle: [Butters is already next to Cartman] Hey, here comes Stan.
Stan: [walks up, with a deep boy voice] Have I missed anything?
Cartman: Wow, Stan, you really got some nice titties there.
Kyle: Did you get your period yet, Stan?
Stan: No. I didn't, but-
Cartman: Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas. [he and Kyle walk off]
Jesus: Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as heck am excited. We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, Mr. Rod "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" Stewart! [the curtains open as Jesus steps aside. The nurse rolls Rod up to the mic and walks away as the band plays. The crowd has no reaction. The band pauses after a while, so Rod can sing]
Rod: O-o-oh. [the band riffs a bit] O-oh. [the band plays on. Jesus keeps time] O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or. [Stan walks around and then sits on a curb, truly depressed. Rod continues to sing unintelligibly]
Jimbo: [disgusted] Whoa, man.
Rod: Oh. Uh pooped 'em. [the band resumes play as the nurse brings a bucket on stage and checks him out]
Mr. Garrison: This sucks balls!
Blonde: Yeah!
Man 7: Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!
Man 9: Yeah!
Jesus: Oh no.
Crowd: We want God! We want God! We want God!
Jesus: ["We want God"] Please, Father. Do something.
Crowd: We want God!
Jesus: [goes onstage again] Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.
Randy: We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!
Woman: This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Skeeter: Let's get him! [leads the charge to the stage]
[Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to riot.]
Netzel: Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas in what is quickly becoming known as "the gayest party ever." Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. [behind him, two men pop in and out of view. One holds a bat, the other runs back and forth. The man with the bat beats the other man down, but the other man pops up and continues running]
Stan: [goes onstage] Jesus, why does God hate me?
Jesus: Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again.
Stan: He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.
Jesus: Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Stan: Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?
Jesus: Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life.
Stan: What do you mean?
Jesus: If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems. [becomes reflective] A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence. [realizes something] That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party.
Stan: I just wanted my period.
Jesus: I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own. [Skeeter and five other men bring a large cross in] I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment. [a bright light appears in the sky and descends towards the stage. The crowd gapes in awe]
Man: Whoa, what is that??
Jesus: [the light approaches him] It's Dad.
Fr. Maxi: God? God is going to show himself??
Woman: Look, I can see him. [the light begins to bathe the crowd]
Jesus: Father. You came.
God: Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me. [now the crowd is shocked] Be ye not afraid. [God is shown as some kind of short-legged squirrel, elephant, cat, hippopotamus hybrid] Blessed art thou, my children. [a man's party blower falls from his lips]
Randy: That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega. [a snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth] The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that??
God: What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks a moment] ...Well not like that!
God: Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question.
Gerald: [next to Mr. Mackey] One question?
Mr. Mackey: Only one?
Sharon: What should we ask him?
Chef: We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?".
Stan: I have it. I have the question. [steps forth] Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?! [the crowd stands aghast]
God: [after a while] My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it.
Kyle: [exposed] How do know that?
God: You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man — with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven. [transforms into the light and returns the way he came]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it??
God: I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000. [zips away]
Stan:

Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before! [people look at him, annoyed] Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay. [looks around] I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
[end credits roll]
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne...

Skeeter: Let's get him.
Stan: Let's have a cup o-Aaaa! [mayhem ensues as people riot, breaking wood and glass all around. A gunshot is heard, a couple of women scream, and the rioting goes on]
[End of Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus.]


  316: "Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus" edit
Story Elements

GodJesusRod StewartCuba • "The Menstrual Cycle Song"

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South Park: The Complete Third Season

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