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A History Channel Thanksgiving/Script

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  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Kenny McCormick
  • Liane Cartman
  • Steven Stotch
  • Mr. Garrison
  • Announcer and Narrator
  • Attendant 1 and Chet
  • Charles Biggens
  • Donald T. Brown
  • Duncan Everton
  • Miles Standish
  • Natalie Portman
  • Indian Chief and Pilgrim King, and their peoples
  • David "Running Horse" Sawitzky
  • THC President and Wife, his agents, and a helicopter pilot
  • Random Voices


[South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The bell rings. Mr. Garrison goes to the front of the class. On the chalkboard is written "Thanksgiving"]
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's all take our seats. [most of them are seated; Kyle, Token, Bebe and Stan are the last four to get seated] As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American.
Butters: Oh neato, huh fellas?
Guest: [a stout "Native American"] Hello boys and girls. My name is David Running Horse... Sawitsky, and I am one sixteenth Cherokee Indian.
Cartman: Does that mean we only have to pay one sixteenth attention to you? [Sawitsky crosses his arms and is not all all pleased]
Sawitsky: There've been a lot of "stories" about the first Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they are mostly geared towards making the Pilgrims look good, and my people being degraded as usual. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace? Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?
Butters: [innocently] Thanksgiving is about murder?
[Kyle's room, afternoon. The four boys are there. Stan and Kyle are reading books at Kyle's desk, Kenny is reading a couple of books on the floor, and Cartman is... on his back on Kyle's bed eating Cheesy Poofs]
Cartman: This is bullcrap! A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?
Kyle: Well, it is kinda true, you know? Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the Native Americans got pretty screwed over.
Cartman: Yeah, and now my video game time is getting screwed over by them.
Kyle: [looks over his shoulder angrily] Hey, fatass! Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?!
Cartman: Jesus Kyle, you are really being crampy today.
Stan: We all have to do this report together, dude.
Cartman: You guys, we are wasting time. If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving let's just go downstairs and watch TV.
Kyle: How is that gonna help?!
Cartman: [like a doorbell] Dumbass, it's November. [normally] The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back. We can learn everything we need.
[A TV. The History Channel logo comes up.]
Announcer: You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history.
Narrator: [as re-enactments play in color and in black and white] A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving between Pilgrims and Native Americans. but what really happened at that first historic dinner?
[Cartman's house, day. The boys are on Cartman's couch watching TV]
Cartman: Dude, see? I told you. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books when we've got History Channel?
Narrator: [more re-enactments] We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621, but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been visited by aliens! [dramatic flashes of darkness as the alien is shown up close, then a picture of a fetus, and then...]
Duncan Everton: [Professor of History, Oakmont H.S.] In every journal entry we researched from those early Pilgrims, not one entry mentioned anything about aliens not being there.
Narrator: And what about the food? [a juicy baked turkey is shown, then the previous image is shown without the alien] Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving suggest a kind of alien technology? [the alien reappears in the scene, but with two other aliens]
Cartman: Uh-huh??
Kyle: What? This isn't history.
Stan: Dude, it is called History Channel.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Charles Biggens: [Culinary Associates of America] And if we look in all the journals and aall the history books, there is no reference to stuffing before 1621. So where did it come from? Did it come from space? We just don't know.
Narrator: Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving? Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod, when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form? [an alien with an erect penis is drawn over the aerial image] What exactly did the Pilgrims experience? [colored lights move around over the ocean's horizon as Pilgrims gather by the beach] How exactly did those beings from another world shape the dinner we celebrate every November? [a tiny UFO hovers near a turkey]
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Kyle, why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period again?
Kyle: We're not basing research for our report on this crap!
Cartman: Okay, let's take a vote: Who thinks the possibility of ancient aliens at Thanksgiving makes for an interesting history report? [he and Kenny raise their hands, then Stan raises his]
Kyle: [at Stan] Dude!
Cartman: Okay, and who wants to take a little Pamprin so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down? Kyle? [raises Kyle's hand]
Kyle: [sighs] Alright, fine! Let's just get this stupid report over with!
[A mansion, night. A phone rings. The time on the alarm click is 2:14 a.m., and the couple in bed wake up. The man takes the phone]
THC President: [sits up in bed] Yes? A report from where? [sits up on the side of the bed] Does Congress know about this yet? Try to keep it contained and get the helicopters ready. I'll be there as soon as I can. [hangs up and sits back down]
Wife: Darling?
THC President: They found something. This could be it. [makes a fist]
[The bus stop, day. The school bus stops and the boys get off]
Cartman: Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating it's called menopause?
Stan: ...What?
Cartman: Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable? I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately, 'cause he's goin' through menopause.
Kyle: Dude, shut your fuckin' mouth!
Cartman: See what I mean, you guys? [a black car with tinted windows pulls up at a corner within sight of the boys and the passenger window comes down and the agents inside look at the boys]
Agent 1: [brunet] Is that them?
Agent 2: [blond] That's them.
[An interrogation room, somewhere. The boys are seated and waiting for someone. Three men walk in - the two agents and the man from the mansion. The agents close the door and the man from the mansion goes to the table and takes his seat opposite the boys. He leafs through the boys' report, and the boys look at each other]
THC President: You boys have been very busy... [he closes the report] We need to know everything that you know.
Stan: 'bout what?
THC President: Have you been contacted by alien life forms?
Agent 1: Did you come across some kind of ship or something?
Kyle: Dude, look, we, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel.
THC President: [silence for a few seconds, then] We are The History Channel. [rises from his chair] For years we've been collecting information on Thanksgiving. We're getting close to the truth. And now you boys have exactly the same information. It can't be coincidence.
Kyle: We saw it on your channel.
THC President: What exactly did you seez?!
Stan: That... stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology?
THC President: My God. Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview?
[Butters' house, living room. He's watching a Jonas Brothers video]
Steven: Alright, Butters, that's enough MTV for one day. You need to watch something that stimulates your brain. I'm putting on History Channel.
Butters: Okay Dad.
Announcer: You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest! Larrh! Followed by Hairy Bikers. Errh! But now, back to Part 3 of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.
Narrator: It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by Pilgrims, Native Americans, and alien beings.
Stan Marsh: [history expert] Stuffing wasn't mentioned anywhere until 1621? And it might have been... alien technology?
Narrator: And while the number of people who accept the alien theory continues to grow, some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether. Could it be that Pilgrims were actually aliens themselves?
Kyle Broflovski: [Ph. D., Professor of Thanksgiving - DeVry Institute] Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving! Just like you can't "prove" that... the Pilgrims themselves weren't alien! Can you prove that?! Here: draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with your hand! Maybe that symbol matches... galaxies in space or something! OooOoOoOooOOO! [moves his hands around]
Narrator: [a scene of alien families sharing Thanksgiving on Earth] Could it be that the Pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet? History experts like Kyle Broflovski say "yes."
Kyle: You might as well just say Pilgrims and Indians were all aliens who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty!
[Kyle's house, living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are on the sofa watching the same special Butters is]
Stan: Wow, check it out dude, we're on TV. [smiles]
Kyle: How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them. [a knock is heard at the front door and Kyle goes to answer it]
Sawitsky: What are you doing?!
Kyle: ...Uh oh.
Sawitsky: The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?! Native Americans are aliens?!
Kyle: I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn't make a po-
Sawitsky: Haven't my people been through enough?! [whips out a gun with his left hand and quickly aims at at Kyle] Goddamn you!
Kyle: Ack dude! [backs up as Sawitzky walks towards him]
Sawitsky: The white man is gonna PAY for his lies! [stops in front of Stan and Kenny, keeping his gun aimed at Kyle]
[In the sky, black Army helicopters approach. In one of them, the History Channel and two agents sit]
Agent 2: Look at this, sir! [hands him a picture] An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the Pilgrims landed in 1620. [puts his right hand on it and traces a turkey on the photo with it] Five Pilgrim settlements, with Plymouth Rock here. [puts a dot on the location] The same symbols appear everywhere in history. [on a baked turkey, in the night sky...]
Agent 1: The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then Plymouth Rock is some kind of wormhole.
THC President: Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens! How did we not think of it?!
Agent 3: Sometimes it takes the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things.
Agent 2: True dat.
THC President: True dat.
[Plymouth, Massachusetts. day. The monument to Plymouth Rock is shown. The helicopters show up and descend onto the park near the monument. Plymouth Rock itself is shown in the water, unprotected.]
THC President: Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secured!
Agent 4: [through his bullhorn] Alight people, let's clear out! We need you ALL to disperse! [a woman and her daughter stop to listen] This area is under quarantine. [the woman and daughter leave]
THC President: Give me a piece of chalk. [agent 1 hands it to him. The president quickly traces a turkey on the rock, then backs up.] Huh... Nothing.
Agent 5: Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.
THC President: Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid. [they all turn and walk out of the water] We should've known. Pilgrims couldn't be from space.
[Space, the final frontier. A Pilgrim shoots through space in a wormhole and hits the planet hard. Electricity crackles through some power lines. A shadow climbs out of the impact crater. It's... a Pilgrim. Nearby, a truck rolls by, driven by Natalie Portman. The Pilgrim runs from the crater and into Portman's path; she rolls over him, then stops.]
[The History Channel learns of this and sends its top men out to investigate. Several tents go up at the crash site]
Agent 6: Here. You can see it right there. An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the Earth.
THC President: What is it?
Agent 6: It's a Pilgrim, sir. [the president is stunned, looks outside, then walks outside with five other men]
THC President: So then, Professor Broflovski was right after all. [the camera pans up into the sky. Another camera travels through space]
Narrator: Not long ago, it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth shared the universe with beings from other planets. [the camera approaches a rock formation that has golden (literally) ears of corn sticking out of it. The camera then goes around the formation and through a thick cloud layer] These alien beings visited our world, and once, even settled it, from deep within the galaxy Canis Major, and a distant planet called... Plymouth. [the camera pops up and sees a magnificent building from which rise four massive golden ears of corn. An entrance with 14 colossal Pilgrim statues is shown. Inside the cathedral-like building a Pilgrim king, seated on a throne flanked by two huge golden cornucopias overflowing with gold and jewels, speaks to a huge crowd]
Pilgrim King: Fellow Pilgrims! The great Captain hath gone missing and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines! We must prepare for war with the Indians!
[Another planet, named Indi. The Indian chief there speaks to his people]
Indian Chief: Now it is OUR time! We shall attack Plymouth, and we will take... ALL THEIR STUFFING! [the Indians cheer]
[Cartman's house, day. Liane is at the kitchen cutting up construction paper. Cartman runs through the dining room, then returns and enters the kitchen]
Cartman: Non! Mom, did you already get stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner?
Liane: What hon?
Cartman: Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving!
Liane: Uhoh, Thanksgiving's still a couple of weeks away, sweetie. I haven't gone shoppies yet.
Cartman: Oh no. Oh NO!
Liane: What is it, hon?
Cartman: Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the news there's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage! Get your coat on, Mom! We've gotta go to the store! [turns around and leaves the kitchen]
[The supermarket, day. A woman is taking her groceries to her car. Cartman runs into the the chapping cart and knocks it over, spilling the woman's groceries. Cartman then turns and runs into the store. Liane folows him in. Cartman finds a worker]
Cartman: You guys have stuffing?!
Attendant 1: Stuffing? Sure. Aisle 17.
Cartman: Oh... We're not too late. Mother, come! [Liane takes a shopping cart and follows Cartman to the right aisle. Cartman looks for the stuffing, but doesn't fine any. The attendant walks by] Hey! Where is it!
Attendant 1: It's right there, right on the uh... [sees that the stuffing shelf is empty] wait, that can't be right. Hey, hey Chet. What happened to all the stuffing?
Chet: [walks up] What are you talking about? [sees that there is no stuffing, and his jaw drops a bit]
Attendant 1: We got more in the back, right?
Chet: I just did inventory in the back, it... it was all put out here!
Attendant 1: You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?!
Chet: Oh no!
Cartman: No!
Chet: No!
Cartman: NO!
[Planet Plymouth, day. An Indian delegation and a Pilgrim delegation meet up]
Pilgrim King: You dare come to Plymouth, ambassador?! After attacking our stuffing mines?!
Indian Chief: The stuffing mines were never yours!
Pilgrim King: Wihtout control of the mines we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador! This will be war!
Indian Chief: You are in no position to declare war! Your lead commander is nowhere to be found!
Pilgrim King: And how knoweth you that?!
Indian Chief: Word travels fast in our sector.
Pilgrim King: I do not give free bowls of stuffing, what sayest you?! We will take back control of the stuffing mines! [turns and leaves with his men]
Indian Chief: Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off! [turns and leaves with his men]
Pilgrim King: And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong. [looks up to the sky as his men move on without him] Where are you, Miles Standish?
[Kyle's living room, later. Sawitzky is still lecturing the boys on Native American history]
Sawitzky: And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue! Native Americans were brutalized, and David Sawitzky's ancestors deserve an apology! It was wrong to mix aliens and real history!
Stan: I don't know, dude. Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids and the link to Mars?
Kyle: [through gritted teeth] Dude, there's a guy with a gun here!
Stan: I'm just saying there's lots of symbols and signs out there that show aliens and history are pretty linked.
Kenny: (Yeah, that's true.)
Kyle: Would you guys stop!
Sawitsky: Just keep writing your apology! [paces. The front door opens and Miles Standish jumps in dramatically]
Miles: How now, Indian?! Why hast thy race sent me here to Earth?!
Sawitsky: [surprised] Huh? [Miles runs at him and throws him up against a wall] Ack.
Stan: Dude!
Miles: You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here! Why?! [punches Sawitzky twice. Sawitzky falls to the floor and Miles begins kicking him in the balls]
Kenny: (Go, dude!)
Stan: Yeah, go on dude!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Miles: [turns Sawitzky over and picks him up] Hast thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?! Tell me, Indian!
Sawitzky: I I uh I'm only one sixteenth.
Miles: Hold your lying tongue! [puts a glowing ball into Sawitzky's mouth] This shall prove if thou art Indian or not! [Sawitzky begins to tremble and moan, then he's surrounded by a purple light and consumed] Ah, he was not.
Stan: I didn't think so.
Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] I have been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute. I need your wisdom to get back to my planet.
[Kyle's house, outside. Miles, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny go to a waiting truck]
Miles: Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me! [the boys get in] We must make haste to Cape Cod! [then he does]
Stan: [looking at the driver] Who's this?
Miles: This is Natalie.
Natalie: Hi guys.
[Cape Cod, night. THC continues camping out there.]
Agent 7: Alright, sir. We got some more information on the Pilgrim who crashed to Earth. Thirty seconds after impact the Pilgrim was hit by a truck and then put into the back seat.
THC President: Who did the truck belong to?
Agent 6: We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir.
THC President: The actress? That doesn't make sense.
Agent 8: It gets worse. All over the country people are reporting a shortage of stuffing. We don't think it's coincidence.
THC President: You're telling me that somehow during a stuffing shortage, this "Pilgrim" dropped down from space and got into a truck driven by Natalie Portman?!
Agent 9: Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman!
THC President: [walking forward, filling the screen] We have to find Professor Broflovski. He was right about all of this. He'll know what to do.
[A campsite for the night. Kyle sits alone by the campfire, and the trailer-truck is behind him. Inside the trailer, Miles talks to the others]
Miles: We shall make camp here for the night. On the morrow perhaps we can reach Cape Cod. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved. [looks outside and sees Kyle] What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?
Stan: Aw, I think he's just kind of pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient alien thing.
Miles: [studying Kyle some more] He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped. [moments later, he goes outside to talk to Kyle] I fear, Kyle, that you still do not know whose side to be on.
Kyle: No, ah I don't.
Miles: It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories that Pilgrims and Indians were not of this world.
Kyle: I actually only just said that sarcastically.
Miles: HA1 Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [pats him on the left shoulder a few times] Then you are only just a remarkably gifted child! [puts his right hand over Kyle's left hand, then withdraws it to pull out a map] Here, let me show you. Your planet is one of the five. [points to the others] Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim, and this planet over here nobody really cares about. [spreads his right hand over the map so each fingertip touches a planet, then traces the hand with a pencil] The five are connected by a series of wormholes. [the trace is finished] My people came to your world, and so did our enemies. But we made a treaty, and for 300 years our people have not fought. But now, the treaty is over.
Kyle: But I always read that Native Americans were here, and that Pilgrims and other settlers kind of took their lands from them.
Miles: You can't believe what everyone tells you, Kyle. You have to open your eyes. [stands up and puts down his map on his seat. Natalie, Stan, and Kenny look on from the trailer] Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth, and the stuffing mines can again be ours, for he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe. [all of a sudden, a night sun focuses on him and a helicopter is heard]
A pilot: Hold it right there! [five black cars pull up quickly and surround Miles and Kyle. Natalie, Stan and Kyle leave the trailer]
Agent 10: We found Professor Broflovski! He is with the Pilgrim! [the agents close in on Miles and he unsheathes his sword]
Miles: Stay back, all of you! For I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped! Come boys! Let us fight to the death!
THC President: [rushes into the middle] Wait! Stop, stop! Please, Mr. Standish, we are all on the same side here. We know why there's a stuffing shortage. We've been trying to get the wormhole open.
Miles: I trust none but them! [points to the party he came with - Natalie, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Indians hath betrayed us! I must return to Plymouth so my king can know the truth! [hurries away]
THC President: PLEASE! [stops him] We're the History Channel. We care as much about the truth as you do.
Miles: Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible!
[Planet Plymouth. The king of Plymouth sits on his throne looking board]
Pilgrim: [shot through with several arrows] My Lord! My Lord, the battle is lost! We have tried to stop the Indians on their home planet, but yea they are too strong!
Pilgrim King: Then our last chance for survival is gone?
Pilgrim: I'm sorry my Lord. All Pilgrim forces sent to the Indians' planet have been wiped out.
Pilgrim King: And so soon the Indians will be here. Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth!
[The Indians and Pilgrims do battle on Indi]
Indian Chief: The stuffing mines are ours! [some Indians celebrate at the mines]
[Cape Cod, day. A wooden pathway has been built to Plymouth Rock and surrounds it. Miles uses a blown up version of his map to show the History Channel what's going on.]
Miles: Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here. Once I get back I will assemble my people to attack Indi, and gain control of the stuffing mines. If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.
THC President: But Mr. Standish, I'm afraid it's not that simple. We... tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work.
Miles: Ah ha ha ha! Of course not! You have the correct symbol, but you are missing the keeper of the portal.
Agent 11: The keeper of the... of course! Natalie Portman!
THC President: We were wondering what she had to do with all this! Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!
Agent 12: Our window of opportunity is closing, sir! The wormhole has to be opened now!
THC President: Alright Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole.
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President: Please, Ms. Portman, you've got to open your wormhole right now!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmm. [then to the right] Uh uh.
THC President: Curses and cranberries! I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President: There has to be a way to get the portal open! Where's our expert?! [everyone moves aside to reveal Kyle] What do we do, Professor Broflovski?
Kyle: I'm not a professor.
THC President: The History Channel said you were!
Kyle: You are the fucking History Channel!
Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] Please, Kyle of DeVry Institute. There is no more time for squabbles. The universe is at stake!
THC President: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] You knew everything else. You somehow knew about all of this. You knew it... here. [points to Kyle's heart.] You must know... how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.
[A local restaurant nearby. Nice, upscale, with a string trio playing during dinner. Kyle is in his suit, Natalie is in a different dress]
Kyle: So, do you uh, do you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie?
Natalie: I had a lot of really close friends growing up, but not any brothers and sisters; I was an only child.
Kyle: [having trouble with small talk] Wow, awesome. Um...
Natalie: I have dual citizenship in the United States and Israel. [a waiter with a bottle of wine walks by and Kyle snaps his fingers twice, then indicates to the waiter that Natalie should get some more wine. The waiter serves it] Oh thanks.
Kyle: Um... so... [behind him, everyone involved in the portal matter is watching them] So dual citizenship, wow, uh... You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that.
Natalie: Well, I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA. But I did classes at the University of Jerusalem too.
Kyle: Cool. Cool... You wanna order some dessert?
[Cape Cod, night. Kyle and Natalie walk down to Plymouth Rock]
Natalie: Thanks, that was a lot of fun.
Kyle: Yeah, it was cool, thanks. [looks over his shoulder. Miles motions at him to continue] Um, so... Is there any way you'd
Natalie: What?
Kyle: You know, could youuu...
Natalie: What?
Kyle: Would you please just open your wormhole?!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Oh. [moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmm... [moves her torso to the right] no.
Kyle: [sighs in exasperation] Errh!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. Okay.
Miles: Yes!
THC President: Alright, let's go, folks! [he and several other men go towards Plymouth Rock]
Natalie: Just for a sec though. [turns around and joins them]
Miles: Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute. Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved!
Kyle: Yeeah, you're welcome. I'm sorry I doubted you. And guys, I'm I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all. [behind the rock, Natalie's legs go up in the air]
Stan: It's cool dude, we understand.
Kyle: I guess we should all realize... [the portal is activated] that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand. [the portal shoots out into space towards planet Plymouth]
Miles: [rises with his sword unsheathed] Now make way, children! For I have a war to fight! [runs towards the rock, jumps on it, and into the portal stream] For stuffing!! [goes towards planet Plymouth]
[The stuffing mines. The battle continues]
Indian Chief: Take ALL their stuffing!
Pilgrim: The treaty ends now! [the Indians retreat as flying galleons sweep over the stuffing mines with powerful rays, destroying any Indians along the way]
Narrator: With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standish was finally able to command a Pilgrim army.
Miles: Now attack their left flank! Good! They're retreating! Hit them with the anti-Indian device! [A destroyer walks in and obliterates all the Indians with its powerful beams]
Narrator: The Pilgrims fought off the Indians, making stuffing once again available on all our Thanksgiving tables.
[Cartman's living room. The boys are watching The History Channel once again.]
Random Voices: Yea. Stuffing mines. Yea.
Narrator: And now you know the true story behind Thanksgiving.
Stan: Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before.
Cartman: Yeah, History Channel rules.
Narrator: But was the first Thanksgiving really just about Pilgrims and Indians from space? Or was there something more? Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been... [an image of a woman appears against a wall] haunted!
Donald T. Brown: [Ph. D., University of Phoenix] There is certainly no evidence that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.
Narrator: The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave? [ghostly figures appear here and there.]
Cartman: Uhhh??
Kyle: [throws up his arms in exasperation] Oh, come on!!
[End of A History Channel Thanksgiving.]
  1513: "A History Channel Thanksgiving" edit
Story Elements

Miles StandishNatalie PortmanDavid SawitzkyPlymouth (planet)The History ChannelAncient Aliens at Thanksgiving


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