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Cast

  • Stan Marsh
  • Kyle Broflovski
  • Eric Cartman
  • Butters Stotch
  • Stephen Stotch
  • Linda Stotch
  • Liane Cartman
  • Aunt Nellie
  • Uncle Budd
  • Mitch
  • Tourists
  • Pentagon Officials
  • Unnamed General
  • Unnamed Scientist
  • Various Catamount Pictures Producers
  • Various Soldiers

Script

AWESOM-O
Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting on the porch.
Butters
What the heck?
Butters steps outside to look for the address label.
Butters
Whoa! What a huge package! [finds it, the shipping label reads]
Butters
To Butters Stotch. Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me! [returns to the crate's label]
Butters
Who is it from? "Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." [skips around] Wow! A package for me from Japan!!
Butters pushes the crate into the house.
Butters
Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11.
Butters skips around and runs into the house. He returns with a small crowbar.
Butters
Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package.
Butters tugs at the panel he loosened. The panel swings down and Butters flies off. He lays on his back and looks up. A large A.W.E.S.O.M.- O., wide enough to resemble Cartman, walks out of the crate.
Cartman
[monotone] Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Butters
[dazzled] Whoa...
Cartman
I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot.
Butters
[approaches AWESOM-O] You... you're my robot?
Cartman
Yes. I will be your new best friend.
Butters
Oh wow!
Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters goes to his desk and makes a few calls.
Butters
Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already.
Cartman snickers to himself
Butters
Well I gotta go Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do.
Butters hangs up, takes the phone back to his bedside table and sets the phone down.
Butters
Heheh, they're all so jealous! [He hops onto the bed next to Cartman.] I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have.
Cartman
Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff.
Butters
Hey yeah! Well, I can tell you anything, huh? [strokes his chin] Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a hesitated colon, which means I sometime can't control my sphincter.
Cartman
[snickers] Really?
Butters
Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school. [Cartman begins to chuckle] You okay, AWESOM-O?
Cartman
Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
Butters
Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to... put up my rectum.
Cartman
[laughs] That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets.
Butters
Hm, okay. Let's see [strokes his chin] Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff.
Cartman
Oh, really?
Butters
Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days.
Cartman
Heh. Wow, that sucks.
Butters
Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy, so my dad came home and beat me.
Cartman
Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
Butters
No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play on me ever again! [hops off and walks towards his desk.]
Cartman
Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you.
Butters
Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets!
Cartman
What?
Butters
When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake.
Cartman
You saw that?
Butters
Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
Cartman
Nuh uh.
Butters
I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout!
Cartman
No way.
Butters
Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll have my revenge, boy howdy!
Cartman
[beat] ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?
Butters
Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?
Cartman
Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape?
Butters
How come?
Cartman
Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.
Butters
Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you. [leaves the room]
Cartman
[moments later, still on the bed] Oh, son of a bitch!
Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it.
Butters

Hey there have you heard about my robot friend?

They're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a story.
Butters

He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all.
He's a cyber, wired bundle of joy.

Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot is good and Butters is pleased.
Butters

My robot friend.

Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're dismayed at what they see. Stan pinches his nose and shuts his eyes in frustration, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow.
Butters

I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.

Butters jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles.
Butters

He's smart as can be and emotion-free

Butters washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O.
Butters

And he's computed his way to my heart.
My robot friend.

At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O doesn't need the other one. The waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger.
Butters

My robot friend.

Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon.
Butters

My robot friend.

They walk into a sunset together.
Butters

My robot... friend.

Butters' house, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the coffee table.
Linda
Oohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot.
Stephen
[tosses the paper onto the couch arm as Linda serves him coffee] Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes. [takes his cup]
Butters
[leading Cartman to the stairs] That's great AWESOM-O! [Cartman carries a pile of clothes] You can carry all my laundry in one trip!
Linda
Ah, Butters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon.
Butters
Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
Linda
Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night?
Butters
Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he?
Linda
That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
Cartman
AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
Butters
Yeah! Don't you know nothin' about robots? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away! [Cartman follows Butters upstairs]
Linda
Aw, that's just adorable.
Stephen
It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over.
The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O stands next to him.
Butters
I love to brush my teeth! In the mornin' and at night!

To keep 'em white and healthy, I got to brush them all the time!

Cartman
[under his breath] Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this. [normal. Butters opens up the medicine cabinet] Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears?
Butters
Oh. Yeah.
Cartman
I would like to see what he looks like so I can beat him up for you. May I see the video?
Butters
[turns around carrying a box of suppositories] Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. [takes one out and puts the box on the cabinet] Can you help me?
Cartman
What?
Butters
Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on.
Cartman
Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function.
Butters
[hops down from the stool] Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there.
Cartman
...No way.
Butters
AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you.
Cartman
Weak! [turns right and faces Butters' ass.]
Butters
Ye- yeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep.
Cartman
Lame!
Butters' house, moments later.
Butters
All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep. [POV changes from outside to bedroom overhead] Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...
Cartman
AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
Butters
Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye, [turns off the light] or what, or whatever robots have.
Butters closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He turns to his left and places a hand on AWESOM-O.
Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' desk looking through more stuff.
Cartman
Where is it? Where is it?!
Butters
AWESOM-O?!
Cartman
Wah!
Butters
AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing?
Cartman
Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you.
Butters
Aw Jeez, Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?!
Cartman
AWESOM-O understands.
Butters
Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!
Three spankings follow, but as they are done against the robot frame, they are ineffective.
ButtersJust know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast.
Dialog
Cartman
Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at the coffee table.
Butters
Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together. [Butters and AWESOM-O are walking in a field] Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off]
Cartman
I would like some Sunny Delight too.
Butters
[tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. [tickled, turns away] Uh, heehee. [the doorbell rings] Whoa. Uh, go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
Cartman
[turns] AWESOM-O will answers the door. [walks towards the door as Butters leaves and opens it. He sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]
Kyle
What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Stan
Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot?
Cartman
[normal voice] Shh! [lifts up the helmet part of the outfit] I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer.
Kyle
Why?
Cartman
Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay?
Kyle
Why?
Cartman
Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
Butters
[appears behind Cartman holding his glass of Sunny Delight] Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?
Cartman turns around, then adjusts his helmet.
Cartman
[monotone] Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Butters
Ah, hey fellas! Ah, I see you met my robot.
Stan
Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
Butters
Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny quickly look to Cartman]
Cartman
Weak.
Butters
He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: Hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight?
Cartman
Yes, of course. [begins to walk towards the kitchen]
Kyle
Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, [Cartman stops] I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
Cartman
Suck my balls, Kyle. [resumes his walk]
Butters
[cheerfully] He's made in Japan!
The dining room. Stephen holds a cup of coffee and listens as Linda talks to Liane.
Linda
Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great.
Liane
Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately.
Linda
Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well, that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along.
Liane
Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.
Linda
[Stephen takes a sip] Excuse me, I didn't catch that.
Liane
Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over.
Linda
Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.
The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink.
Cartman
Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere.
Butters
[enters] AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop! [Cartman moves to the refrigerator, Stephen and Liane enter]
Linda
Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged, you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
Butters
[overjoyed] Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?!
Cartman
What?
Butters
Oh boy, [shakes Cartman's hand] AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever! [hugs the "robot"]
Cartman
Lame.
Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background.
Aunt Nellie's house.
Uncle Budd
Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport. [Butters enters in a suit]
Butters
Hi Aunt Nellie! [runs up to her and they hug each other]
Aunt Nellie
There's my little nephew! How was your flight? [they let go of each other]
Butters
It was long. We had a three-hour delay... departin' Denver, but we're here!
Aunt Nellie
Didn't ya bring any bags?
Butters
Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in.
Aunt Nellie
Your robot?
Uncle Budd
Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.
Cartman walks in mechanically with all the luggage.
Butters
There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie. [Cartman drops the suitcases]
Aunt Nellie
Hello! It's nice to have you here.
Cartman
AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please?
Aunt Nellie
Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
Cartman
Thank you. [walks in the direction Aunt Nellie points to]
Uncle Budd
I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip.
Aunt Nellie
Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight.
Butters
Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat.
Aunt Nellie
Right...
Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches... for the toothpaste. He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily.
Butters
[knocks on the door] AWESOM-O?
Cartman
Aw- Aw- AWESOM-O is coming. [finishes off the tube, hops down, and tosses the tube aside]
Butters
Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go sightseein'!
Cartman
Argh! [heads out.]
Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.
Butters

 I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend
We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun
We're two of a kind-
That's me!
And my robot friend.
My robot friend.
My robot friend.

Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman carries the bags.
Butters
Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time?!
Cartman
Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps?
Butters
Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary. [Le Catamount Bistró] That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neat-o, huh? [moves off]
Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.
Producer
[as the other producer eats] Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right?
Mitch
[the bald producer] We're really smart.
Producer
We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family. [notices something and points] Hey, what's that over there? [Mitch looks over his shoulder. The camera looks at Butters and AWESOM-O attracting a crowd]
Woman
Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy.
Girl
What's he do?
Butters
Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Super Bowl next year?
Cartman
The New Orleans Saints. [everyone around them laughs, and the producers approach]
Boy
Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Cartman
Seventeen. [everyone laughs again]
Producer
Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Mitch
[strokes his chin] Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas! [smiles]
Producer
[looks at him intently] Exactly! [smiles]
Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters and AWESOM-O to his staff.
Producer
Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000. [approaches the robot, who's seated at one end of the table] I've already seen what it can do.
Staffer 1
Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot.
Producer
It's not?
Staffer 1
No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is "computerized automatron."
Mitch
Oh, very nice, Mitch.
Staffer 2
You are the smart one.
Producer
Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas.
Staffer 2
How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us?
Producer
Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office?
Cartman
Um... okay. How about this: [the staffers take pen to paper and anticipate the ideas] Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something.
Staffer 2
[thinking over this idea, then write it down] Oh, perfect!
Staffer 3
We'll call it "Puppy Love"!
Staffer 2
Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
Mitch
Yeah, yeah!
Staffer 3
Let's hear it!
Mitch
Yeah, we wanna hear it!
Staffer 3
Come on, come on!
Cartman
Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a... boxer, or something.
Staffer 3
[the producers start writing again]... Yes, it's flawless!
Mitch
Punch-Drunk Billionaire!
Aunt Nellie's house, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.
Butters
Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?
Cartman
You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Butters
Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.
Cartman
[growing desperate, walks around] Haaaa! Haaaa!
Butters
[concerned] You, you okay AWESOM-O?
Cartman
AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
Butters
Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow.
Washington DC, the Pentagon.
The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers.
General
Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this.
He turns around and faces a wall of TV screens. His peers turn to look. He then turns the screens on. Images of AWESOM-O, taken from various angles, pop up.
General
The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler. [the officers murmur amongst themselves]
Black Official
That's incredible!
White Official
You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
General
No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could re-program it and turn it into a weapon!
Black Official
Yes, that might be the best thing to do.
White Official
Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
Scientist
Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a weapon is unethical.
General
Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a weapon before we do...
Black Official
Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again.
White Official
But worse. With robots.
Scientist
I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability.
General
You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub. [the scientist sits back down.] Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles! [zoom in] I want that robot!
Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.
Butters
Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.
Cartman
Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer
Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O.
The other men rise and leave the room, making plans for lunch on the way out. The producer approaches Cartman.
Producer
You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model?
Cartman
...What?
Producer
Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans?
Cartman
AWESOM-O does not understand.
Producer
Let me show you what I mean. [removes his tie]
Catamount Pictures lobby.
Butters
Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice.
Cartman
[from the boardroom] Lame!
Butters
Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either.
The boardroom doors burst open and AWESOM-O runs out.
Cartman
Not cool! Totally lame! [runs to his left. Butters looks over his shoulder]
Butters
AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction. [hangs up and goes after AWESOM-O.] AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go?
Butters looks left, then right, then goes to the right, exiting the scene. Moments later the producer shows up at the doorway with his pants down.
Cartman
Waaaaa!
A cattle prod appears and shocks him until he falls over. A dolly then appears and two soldiers quickly put Cartman on it and haul him off.
Soldier
Let's go! Move, move!
Butters
[appears around the corner] AWESOM-O? [notices the soldiers] Hey, what are you doin' with him?!
The soldiers exit some side doors and toss him into the back of a waiting van. Butters exits the side door.
Butters
That's my robot! [the soldiers get into the van and drive off] AWESOM-OOOOOOOO!!!
A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman and tighten the locks on him.
General
Are those arm and leg locks secure?
Soldier
Secure, sir!
General
Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on. [the scientist turns a drill on and approaches AWESOM-O]
Cartman
Whoa, whoa, wha- whoa, whoa!
Scientist
[steps back surprised] What the hell?
General
What's going on?
Scientist
[in disbelief] It... powered itself back on.
General
[whispers to a soldier to his left] Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
The soldier cocks his semiautomatic and aims at Cartman.
Cartman
Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?!
Scientist
Are your systems stable? Run a systems check on your CPU.
Cartman
The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
Scientist
Ah, I'm sorry, robot, [in a low voice, almost a whisper] they want me to reprogram you.
Cartman
I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!
Scientist
What did you say?
Cartman
I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
Scientist
[stunned] ...Oh my God. [turns around and approaches the military]
General
What's happening?
Scientist
The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness.
General
What? How can that be?
Scientist
Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
General
Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist!
Scientist
Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
Cartman
Goddamnit, get me down from here! [the military approaches him]
General
Who made you, robot?
Cartman
[enunciating] I'm not a robot, I'm a human!
White Official
[the military turns around] Jesus, the scientist was right.
General
But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio?
Cartman
Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
General
[faces Cartman] Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too.
Scientist
Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness!
General
Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country, [draws out the next few syllables] Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?! [the military leaves him to his work.]
Scientist
Damn you all to hell!
Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidewalk alone with his head down.
Butters

[voiceover, sadly]
Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend?
We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away.
He was my ten gigahertz old pal.
My robot friend.

Butters
[realizing something] Hey, wait a minute. [sees the van that took AWESOM-O away] Why, that's the van that- [tuns towards it] Oh my God!
The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins to descend towards him.
Cartman
[fidgets frantically] Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
Soldier
It'll all be over soon, robot!
The scientist scratches his head, then decides to take action. He takes out a vice wrench and smacks the soldier with it, knocking him out. He turns off the drill, tosses the wrench aside and goes to AWESOM-O.
Scientist
Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot!
Cartman
Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!
The General and his men return, Cartman gets off the platform.
General
What the hell are you doing?!
Scientist
[turns around] Well I- I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me!
General
Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
Cartman
No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am! [raises his helmet enough to show his eyes]
Butters
[enters] AWESOM-O!
The helmet quickly goes down and Cartman becomes a robot again.
Cartman
I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
The soldier fires one shot into the scientist, and the scientist goes down.
Butters
No! [runs up to Cartman] No, please! [hugs him] Don't kill him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world!
Butters begins to sob. The military is amazed by this display of affection from a boy towards his robot.
Scientist
[still alive, looks up] There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes something human anyway?! [pulls out his stomach] Does this make me human?! [pulls out his lung] Or this?! [pulls out his intestines] Or these?! [falls over dead]
General
[approaches AWESOM-O] Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all- [Cartman farts, Butters steps back surprised] Hey, wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart?
Butters
Hey, robots don't fart!
Cartman
Uh... now ending fart sequence.
General
Oh, and it, it smells, too!
Cartman
Smell sequence initiated.
Black Official
A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense.
Butters
Hang on a second, here!
Butters reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at what they see..
A portable screen is put up inside a room and the videotape of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing around like Britney Spears.
Cartman

[rapping]
Would you like to touch my body?
Come on and touch my body!
Oooo, my hot body!
Don't you like my hot body?
Come on and touch my titties!
I felt them just like?
Come on Justin, touch my body!
[begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake]
Mmm, Justin, yeah!
Touch my body! You and me!
Check it out, my not-hot body!
Come on, my body!

As the video plays, shots are shown of: the fourth graders and the kindergartners, more fourth graders and older students (including Stan, Kyle, and Kenny), Chef, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, other teachers, Butters enjoying himself immensely, the Catamount Pictures producers, the military, then of a fuming Cartman having to suffer it all as everyone laughs.
General
Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!
Cartman
Lame...
End of AWESOM-O


  802: "AWESOM-O" edit
Story Elements

A.W.E.S.O.M.-O 4000Butters Stotch • "My Robot Friend" • "If You Leave Me Now" • Justin TimberlakeAdam SandlerCatamount Pictures • "Touch My Body"

Media

ImagesScriptWatch Episode

Release

South Park: The Complete Eighth Season

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